The Mad Men Problem

I get it. Mad Men is a wonderful program. Draper, Campbell and crew have really outdone themselves. Peggy represents all working women. Sterling is as charming as a cheating SOB can be and Cooper is everyone's favorite super rich weirdo.

Here's the issue: Mad Men is interfering with my enjoyment of other shows.

This is not an issue of "I just can't watch the Jersey Shore any more because it just doesn't stack up against Mad Men." I think it's clear that The Shore and Mad Men are two entirely different animals. If Mad Men is a graceful swan, then The Shore is a disgusting pig that gets shit-faced every night and probably has a couple diseases that it tries to keep under wraps. But there's a time for swans and a time for diseased pigs ... as far as TV shows go.

The issue is that most of my favorite podcasts can't stop f'ing talking about Mad Men. I'm talking to you, Nerdist, Daves of Thunder, Bill Simmons and even Kevin & Bean from time to time. I've skipped near entire podcast episodes from Simmons and I've outright stopped listening to Daves of Thunder due to the never-ending Mad Men "spoiler alerts." Is the show so good that these entertainers can't bother to come up with their own material for the 'casts? I'd like to listen to your shows ... but I can't because you won't shut up with the spoiler alerts.

I'd like to enjoy the show I'm enjoying ... while I'm actually enjoying THAT show. Not some other show. This doesn't seem like a ridiculous request to me.

I don't know who to blame so I'm blaming everyone. Suck it, Mad Men. And suck it, all you entertainers that have to leech off Mad Men's popularity.

No One Doesn't Love To Have Fun

Another phrase we can all agree to stop saying: "He just loves to have fun." This is a phrase I've often heard people use to describe others and it drives me crazy. At the end of the day (winky frowny face), this may be the most redundant sentence ever. I can actually use science to prove this. Enter proof by contradiction.

Let's imagine for a second that someone hates having fun. In such a case, they would seek out activities that most of us consider not fun: root canals, filing taxes, watching The Tyra Banks Show. So our subject wakes up one day, picks out his desired activities and then jumps into the dentist chair, flips Tyra on the tube and goes to town. In doing so, he's doing what he wants to do and enjoying himself. Ergo, having fun. Unless someone is doing something someone else has forced them to do at all times, they have to choose something to do ... and no one's going to choose something to do that they hate ... and in the process you'll be having fun.

I think we can now officially strike "likes to have fun" from our collective lexicon. It's science.

The Bachelorette Musings: Ali and Roberto Chris Drama - The Finale

Somehow I've done it. I've gone an entire week without knowing what happens on the finale. And I heard this shiz had 12 million viewers? Is that for real? People are actually watching this show to find out what happens and not just laugh at Roberto's out of control sweating? Huh. Who knew.

• So far so good. I have nothing to say after Roberto's entire montage.
• And the same for Chris' montage. It's gonna be a long night. Or a short night. Depending on how you look at it.
• I guess I can't complain about the ab / chest focused establishing shots of Ali in her multiple bikinis.
• Well if anything, the room that Ali's family got should have them buttered up at least a little bit. Holy shit.
• Ali doesn't know the name of the Tampa Bay MLB team? "The Tampa Blue Rays?"
• Wait a minute. Ali and Raya are related? Has the adoption question been asked by one of them.
• Okay. Ali's mom speaking speaking Spanish ... How do you say "I am cringing" in Spanish?
• When you ask for dad's blessing, what you're really hoping to hear is "I don't have a problem with that." That's pretty much the ideal non-negative but certainly not overly positive result.
• In case you've forgotten, Roberto can salsa dance. He can also play baseball, speak Spanish and sweat profusely. That much we know for sure.
• Onto Chris' date ... a little bit breezier, but Dad's poker face remains strong. Looking forward to his response to Chris' question. Will he downgrade to "That wouldn't be the worst thing in the world" or possibly upgrade to "I would not hate it if you married my daughter."
• Ali looks a lot like her mom. A lot.
• Apparently the idea of french toast for dinner is drop dead hilarious in the Ali househould. Really way too much laughing at that concept.
• So Ali's brother ... or brother in law? I can't tell cuz I don't think he's said a word yet.
• Also I really hope that 85% of their conversations revolve around the room they have. They are actually staying in this room. That crap is crazy!
• Quote of the night from Ali's dad so far: "It is huge." No context needed.
• EXACT same response for Chris: "I would have no problem with that." Ali's dad = poker face.
• You know what's more fun than salsa dancing? Swimming off the end of the crazy room they have. Advantage Chris.
• Time for some straight talk from Poker Face. Advantage Roberto. Hands down according to Dad. Wild.
• And Raya straight talks entirely in favor of Chris. Looks like it's gonna be a grudge match all the way to the end. Or at least that's what the producers would like you to think. One or the other.
• Ali just said this and I've always had an issue with anyone who says "likes to have fun." Is there anything that needs to be said less? Are there people out there that DON'T like having fun? Assuming you're into not having fun, wouldn't you then like that and in essence be having fun? Logically speaking, I think not liking to have fun is literally impossible. Oh and Ali and Roberto hung out with sting rays.
• The Roberto night time date hasn't even started and he is sweating like mad. Are there no fans at this Hilton?
• I got you a present. Looks like it's a picture in a frame at first, but it's actually got a second use.
• Well at the end of the Roberto date, it's hard to say anything other than "Advantage Roberto."
• The Chris date is starting and I have to ask ... is something happening right now? What's with the sit down, Ali?
• Oh boy, Ali's at a loss for words. Not good, Chris. Not good.
• This is the most high profile "we're better off as friends" speech ever. Brutal.
• Could she at least mope or cry? She cried her eyes out with Frank and now nothing for Chris? Pretty weak sauce there, Ali.
• I guess props to Ali ... sorta. At least Chris doesn't have to get on one knee and then get pulled up by his hands. That's always the worst.
• So now the real grudge match begins. Chris vs. Kirk vs. Craig R for the next Bachelor.
• Little double rainbow all the way for Chris. Now he feels better. Good. I like Chris.
• One advantage to this change in format: no ring choosing montage. Cuz that's not total BS every time.
• Didn't Roberto get the first impression rose? And now he's got it all wrapped up? What are the chances?
• Son of B! Spoke too soon. Stupid ring montage begins now.
• Did that mother f'er finally tighten his tie!? F you, Roberto. What are the odds he tightens his tie at the wedding? Answer: slim cuz the wedding likely won't happen. It's just a matter of odds, people. The winners bracket: Trista and Ryan. The losers bracket: every other Bachelor/Bachelorette couple ever. Good luck, Ali and Roberto.
• They really shouldn't have made Roberto travel so far after getting dressed up. He spent most of the walk up the stairs wiping sweat from his brow.
• Wow he is really really sweating ... a lot. Brow sweat has moved onto lip sweat. Honestly how hot can it be? It looks like there's cloud cover.
• Nice job with the product spot on the ring box there, Neil Lane.
• Music montage courtesy of the Lion King soundtrack? I miss "On The Wings Of Love" immediately.
• Well it's all down hill from here. I doubt you can afford The Hilton Bora Bora on a minor league baseball salary. Congratulations to the happy couple ... for at least the next 4 months or so!

Well it's been real. It's been fun. It hasn't been real fun. Another finale that doesn't outdo the Big Swayze finale. But things are looking up. Bachelor Pad tomorrow, yow!!

The Bachelorette Musings: Ali and Man Drama Tellin' All

Big night here for the blog. We got Dave and Lubs on board for the double feature starting with the guys tell everything they've ever had to tell in their lives about this show and everything else. Or ... The Men Tell All.

• Let's start with a crazy loud song that kinda reminded me of The Shout Out Louds
• Dude in the audience count: 0 so far.
• Ali starts the night off with a black sparkly dress. Silver sparkly dress yet to come.
• How did I forget about Bubble's line: "It's just my heart ... jump in. Stay a while."
• This interview is actually kind of redeeming for Ali. She actually seems like she had a decent handle on what was going on during the season. I like that she kept Bubble along as long as she did all the while kinda knowing he was crazy.
• Blooper reel! Roberto nearly blinds Ali when he pops his cork ... yowza.
• Is Ali wearing a giant watch ... or just some sort of bracelet that looks like a watch?
• Fair to say that the range of Ali's jokes when it comes to astronauts begins and ends with ... Houston, come in.
• Chris H had his own internal nickname? And it was Phantom? No wonder we never ever saw him speak. Come to think of it, is he even eligible for this show seeing as how he can't talk?
• Derrick, 2 questions. 1) Who are you? and 2) pew pew pew pew pew right back at you, dude.
• I like that Harrison openly pretty much just said "Frank's not here, but we're gonna talk all kinds of shit about him anyone."
• Weatherman, the leather jacket ... not working, man.
• If I was Harrison, I'd prefer to be surrounded by about 18 more candles than are already there.
• All this "let me finish" talk during their confrontation of The Weatherman is giving me wonderful flashbacks to Jake and Vienna's swan song. I'd mail The Weatherman $100 right now if he said "again with the interruption ..."
• Okay, I skipped it the first time, but I can't let it go twice. Phantom has said the phrase "self promote himself" multiple times now. Does his newness to talking make him not understand that there's no one else you can self promote other than yourself?
• The dudes are sticking up for Frank? Break up or no break up, I stand by the idea that Frank sucks.
• The "guard and protect your heart" count or the GAPYHC on this episode alone is already well past double digits.
• Bubble's singing makes me physically have to turn away from the television. I literally cannot watch it.
• Ali's dismissal of Bubble might be my favorite vote off ever. The sigh and "I'm gonna give Justin the rose" ... it just says so much. It wasn't "Justin, will you accept this rose?" It was "Bubble, I can no longer handle your crazy and I have no choice but to give this rose to the other dude."
• Oh! I spotted a due in the audience. I think he's accompanying his daughter. He's wearing a sweater vest.
• Kirk, thank you. Thank you for not liking Frank. We should start a club or something.
• Most disinterested person on the entire set: the wilderness guy from the first episode that did the fishing thing who has got absolutely zero play tonight.
• Well hey, Jessie. Why do I have no recollection of you from your original season? And what is this "social networking" site you're on?
• Wow, Craig R loves that Rated Inj has no car. Loves it.
• Audience dude #2 sited. He also appears to be quite old and probably being dragged along to this event.
• 3rd audience dude sited and he is f'ing PUMPED about Ali coming up after the break. I hope he had to answer for that at work the next week.
• Yay, Ali's here and she's super sparkly yet again. Woo ... pee.
• Her hair looks like a bird's nest.
• Didn't Bubble say he's not a singer. I am again forced to physically look away from the television.
• Bloops! Wow, these guys weren't all drama all day after all. Except for the jokes about the barking dogs. Those were not funny at all.
• Dave, Lubs and I just spent the majority of the Roberto/Chris montage discussing the possibilities of how/if/when/whether Ali's had relations with these dudes. This element of the final 3 or 4 weeks HAS to play in more to the big picture of the actual relationships that these pairs are forming than ABC lets them talk about, right? I mean the thought of the other dude has to pop into the other dude's mind at some point during those dates, right?
• Bachelor Pad. Seriously. Seriously. Initial thoughts: Tenley is not cut out for this show. What's her name does NOT look better as a blonde. And I haven't heard Gia's horrible laugh yet so I've again been tricked into being attracted to her.

Somehow the finale still hasn't been spoiled for me so we'll see you for the finale live blog shortly. From the real bachelor pad ... out.

The Bachelorette Musings: Ali and Tahiti Drama

The episode that ABC has been teasing since mid-June. Let's see what you've got Frank AKA dude that I'm starting to wonder if the producers paid to keep on the show in order to increase the drama factor. Oh and Tahiti gets a crap load of free advertising. Drama in 3-2-1.

• What I like about Frank's establishing shots ... is that it seems like he is bobbing his head to the acoustic guitar riff they have rolling You have to have Ali teach you how to stare longingly out into space.
• Frank has 2 roller suitcases? What kind of man is this?
• Roberto carries around an actual cd ... with a jewel case ... of the Lion King? Can someone teach him that he can hide all the embarrassing music he wants on an iPod?
• Frank not only rocks the longing stare out into the nothing, but then caps it off with the dramatic removal of the glasses. Looks like someone's going to get a rose ... the final rose. Yowwwwwwwwwwww!
• Wait, let me try again. This is gonna be sweet ... fantasy suite. Yowwwwwwwwwwwww!
• Okay, one more. We might be looking at history here ... Bachelorette history. Yoowwwwwwww! Shoulda stopped at 2? I agree.
• Nicole who what? Oh right. The drummed up drama. How could I have forgotten?
• How can we drum up drama and stretch this episode? We bump out to Frank doing a voice over while he leaves the hotel. We bump in to Frank STILL doing a voice over while he walks the streets. Can we have him call someone and let the phone ring 7 times too?
• Frank, I say this as a guy who severely dislikes you ... shut UP, dude!! Your voice over has made us successfully not care about anything you do or say or feel ever.
• So far I'm a huge fan of Nicole ... who has not said a single word since sitting on the couch. I sincerely hope she's getting paid.
• Bah, she starts speaking only to reveal the worst news ever ... she likes Frank.
• This is the worst conversation ever. Frank is trying to see if he has a spark with Nicole by talking about how great things are with Ali. Good plan, Frank.
• The continuity issues with this conversation just sky rocketed to a ridiculous level. Shot 1 ... and jump cut to shot 2.
• You're spending the rest of your lives together? Great. You're perfect for each other. I'll buy your honeymoon for you if you would just shut your mouth.
• I just looked up from making my drawings above to see the ridiculous shot of Ali coming out of the water throwing her hair back. You do realize I was joking about the Tahiti commercial, right ABC?
• Was Roberto sweating profusely from the chest during their ride in that, uh ... what's it called. Those flying devices that have blades that spin around ... there was a black one in an 80s show named after a wolf of some kind ... I'm blanking.
• It needs to be said. This lagoon is ridiculous ... in spite of its heart shape that has been mentioned 74 times.
• I think it's really hot in Tahiti. Roberto is sweating balls again at dinner.
• Roberto has redundant tendencies when he gets nervous as in ... "I want to make sure my feelings are reciprocated back."
• From Harrison: "Dear Ali and Roberto, here's a room key. Someone get Roberto a cold shower cuz he is sweating like Shaquille O'Neal right now. PS as should already be apparent, I'm psychic ... how else could I have written this card ahead of time?"
• Euphamisms for sex so far: "He made it very clear tonight that he is in this for the long haul." "We get to spend special alone time together tonight."
• The Chris date has been rolling for a good 10 minutes now. I have nothing to say. They seem normal together. That's all I've got. Probably helps that they aren't at a beach that is arbitrarily shaped like something representing love.
• Are you allowed to just start cracking open clam shells like that? Do you need a permit or something?
• It's note-from-Harrison time. "Dear Ali and Chris, try your best to forget that Roberto and Ali cashed in on this card not too long ago. We won't give you same room or anything. It'll be a different room pretty far away from where Ali and Roberto had 'special time' ... so waddayasay?"
• I like that Frank packed 2 full bags even though he only came here to break up with Ali. And that he still refers to Nicole as his "ex girlfriend."
• Frank is amazing. Harrison: "How do you think Ali's going to take it?" Frank: "I have no idea." I think you have some idea, Frank.
• I've got a prediction ... Pain.
• I'm happy realizing I will never have such an odd conversation in my whole life as this Frank/Harrison convo is.
• Does Frank honestly not know what to do here? Did he expect Harrison to tell him to write a poem for her and it'd all be fine? Or maybe to ride it out until just after the fantasy suite and then let her know?
• Ali misses Frank? She's head over heels for him? What in the hell is going on in this world?
• "Ali, we need to talk ... and when I say talk, I mean we need to sit down and have the most pregnant pause ever ... so long that it makes you start crying before I even say anything. Wait for it. Wait for it. Nope, still not ready to start talking. Let's ride this silence out a little longer. This is a 2 hour show after all."
• If I was Frank, I'd break the ice with "It's so damn hot! Milk was a bad choice."
• And now let's both cry and put our heads in our hands and say nothing for 10 seconds. This is what our lives have led us to.
• Our first mope moan is accompanied with a dramatic tossing of flip flops. The producers are high fiving just off camera, right?
• Kudos to Dave ... how great would it have been if Harrison busted in with the fantasy suite card right before they hugged?
• Can someone remind Ali about the two dudes she boned in the last week?
• If you're Nicole, do you break up with Frank upon seeing him cry this much over another chick? I hope so ... a lot.
• Kudos to the producers for putting Frank's picture in the deliberation room. Man, Ali could really stick it to Roberto or Chris by giving a flower to Frank even when he's not there and is with another chick.
• Good news: Harrison also has high hopes that Ali's future husband is still participating in the game and hasn't dumped Ali for an ex girlfriend.
• Harrison: "I think we should still have a rose ceremony because ... we have some time to kill. So the guys are arriving soon ... by boat. Just wanted you to know their means of transportation in case that effects your decision. I know that your decision would be totally different if they were arriving by foot. Okay. When you're ready."
• Ali: "I'm a little nervous going into this rose ceremony because I have to tell the guys that I'm choosing them by default." (For the record, I typed this bullet before Ali specifically said she wasn't choosing them "by default" ... I'm not happy that she and I used the exact same phrase even if I was joking and she was serious.)
• Different country, same BS rose ceremony featuring a semi-weird and not-so-great dress from Ali and casual Friday from the gents.
• You know why I like Ali? Cuz she sums up a crazy vague and confusing monologue with "It is what it is." Dis-like.
• Up next, we take this show all the way overrrrrrrrr ... to a different part of Tahiti ... and Roberto continues to sweat profusely.

But first, the men tell all ... as if they hadn't been doing that all season ... some in the form of permanent body ink. Good times.

The Bachelorette Musings: Ali and Man Drama - Family Style!

This week, we're back in the good ol' US of A where Kirk shows Ali his dad's basement (not a euphemism), Roberto gives Ali a baseball card, Chris' family seems semi-normal and Frank remains insecure (probably because he lives with his parents).

• These establishing shots are so dumb. I couldn't really figure out what "back in the states" meant until I saw Ali actually walking "in the states."
• So Roberto lives in Tampa near a school I guess.
• Wow, hilarious ... a baseball jersey with a name on it. Let's over-laugh some more.
• Judging from his one and only at bat, Roberto really knows how to ground into a double play.
• I've had a lot of my own baseball cards that I've shown to girls I've been trying to date ... to no avail. If only those cards had been from said girl's home town, then apparently I would have faired a lot better.
• Ali is meeting Roberto's dad Roberto, his mom Olga, his sister Olga and his sister in law Olga. I only lied about one of the previous names.
• Roberto (the older one) to Ali: "What are some of your personal goals?" Ali: "Mine?" Roberto: "No, personal goals that aren't yours, you flipping weirdo."
• Ali's thought bubble while talking to Old-berto: "This guy likes trophies and baseball and sports, if I say 'team' A LOT, he's that much more likely to like me."
• And to finish it off, let's team up all the Robertos and Olgas and dance awkwardly in the living room.
• Next up ... welcome to rainy Cape Cod. Judging from Ali's tennis ball toss to Chris' dog, she didn't learn anything from Roberto (either of them).
• Ali: "When Chris is feeling comfortable, I'm feeling comfortable ... and vice versa." Not quite sure Ali has the term 'vice versa' all figured out yet.
• Huh ... apparently it's a "dennis" bracelet "as seen on The Bachelorette."
• I have nothing to say about Chris' family. They're extremely normal and cool and are knocking it out of the park with Ali (or at least she best be seeing it that way).
• Fun fact: both of Chris' sisters in law are named Olga. Not really.
• Ali's time with Kirk's family is off to a great start. Ali and the step mom just had a really awkward hand-shake-oh-wait-we're-hugging-wait-no-okay-yeah-we're-hugging exchange.
• And now for the oh-so-hyped taxidermy awkwardness. Judging from the previews, this is as good as this episode has to offer.
• Kirk's dad: "What that is ... is a caribou foot that I put eyes on." Ali: "Well, no shit what else would it be."
• Huh. Beyond all the visually aided caribou feet, Ali's dad seems pretty normal and actually offers up some really nice words and good advice to Ali and Kirk. Didn't see that coming.
• You know what's not gonna not suck? ABC's The Gates.
• What's more awkward than adult braces? Senior citizen braces. Well done, Kirk's mom.
• TV #2 is showing the "legends" soft ball game. Marisa Miller just laid down a stronger grounder than Roberto. Other weird note from the legends game: Bo Jackson is still alive. Who knew.
• I'll let Kirk sum it up: "I am falling for this girl and ... I have fallen. I fell ... recently for this girl. Me fall. I fallded."
• Ah, the L train, Navy Pier, the Cubbies ... there's no place like Tulsa.
• Hey Ali, we're going on a boat. It's like a helicopter built for the water.
• Ali: "What I like about Frank is that he's at a point where he can get up and go anywhere. And when I say 'get up,' I mean get up from the bed in his room in his parents' house. And when I say 'go anywhere,' I mean move out, get a job and try to become a man. It's kind of perfect for us."
• Most confusing line of the show so far: "I think Frank and I are great together."
• Great news. Dating In The Dark is back August 9th. So awkward and wonderful.
• Bummer. No Olgas in Frank's family.
• So I've heard of the "Deep V," but it looks like Frank is wearing the "Deep U?"
• Onto the cocktail party where Chris ends his second sit-down interview in a row with the girl crying. Thank goodness Ali didn't try to talk about her dog.
• It's announcement time and Roberto's tie is loose, Frank is wearing some kind of weird lapel jacket with jeans and Ali's mope face is on.
• My money is on Kirk going bye bye. Probably because of the caribou foot face. That's just something you can't un-see.
• It's like that old wive's tale says ... Put on some dress shoes, you get a rose. Well done, Chris.
• Kirk responds to rejection with a couple firm head nods, straight talk and a smile. Cold as ice!
• Ali responds with moping. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhocking.
• Nothing cures a broken heart like a free trip to Tahiti and awkward laughter. Check and check.

Next week: wow Tahiti is crazy gorgeous. Seriously. Oh and Frank "needs to talk." PS how was there not more footage of Jenny in this episode?

The Bachelorette Musings: Ali and Man Secrets

Heyo! So we're in some tropical location this week, right? Well hot or cold climates, looks like one of Ali's men always has some kind of secret bomb to drop. Let's see what we've got this week. Oh and happy birthday to America (yesterday) and Lubs today. 'Merica!!

• If the men weren't all in shorts and flip flops, I'd think this was the same square where they met in Iceland for the awkward poetry hour. Diversity!
• Theme of the episode so far: clap it out. No roses! (Clap clap clap.) Lisbon! (Clap clap clap.) Chris Harrison! (Clap clap clap.)
• Do the men get notes from the producers to roll with the ambiguous date card clues? Or are their reactions genuine? They haven't realized that every date card follows the formula of possibly sexual innuendo + common figure of speech + loose relation to the actual course of the date?
• I don't know if this date is going well or not ... I was too busy picking up one of those Canon cameras over on Amazon.co -- son of a b! They got me with the product spot again! Damn your oh-so-subtle and insanely effective marketing ploys. PS Ali and Roberto have nothing on us.
• Next date card ... "Let's find our future in the past." Okay so maybe my formula needs a little work cuz that one seems to just be a random jumble of words.
• Ali: "What kind of meals does your mom make?" Roberto: "All that Spanish stuff that I don't know what it's called." So either Roberto's vocabulary is wayyyy limited or his mom doesn't make tacos, burritos, enchiladas, tamales, arroz con pollo or any of the other 10 Spanish entrees I could reel off.
• Well I never thought I'd say this, but thank goodness for Jake and Vienna cuz that Roberto date buhhhhhhlewwwwwww.
• Frank, Ty and Ali hit the helicopter and actually react like people that have ridden on one 6 or so times in the last couple months. Well done, all.
• Now I see when the 2nd date card was so random ... cuz they already used the castle cliche and they're headed to another castle.
• Why are we whispering? It's just a deer.
• This just in ... a 2-on-1 date is less optimal than a 1-on-1 date. In other ground breaking news, Ali likes yellow, Portugal has a shit-ton of castles and Miss Lippy's car is green.
• Next date card: "Once upon a time ..." If I was producing this ep, I probably have gone with "Uh, we ran out of castle allusions, dude. You're going to a castle."
• I think Frank just said "I had a job, I went to Europe ... yadda yadda yadda I live with my parents." The man never ceases to amaze. He's got a new crazy card to play every week.
• "Would you live in a tree with me? Let's live in a tree." I repeat: I have no idea what Ali sees in Frank.
• Onto the Kirk date. Note to the producers: those giant beers aren't helping with continuity.
• Most of my fairy tales have giant cell towers too.
• You know what's better than this date? This.
• The buzz phrases for today are: "serious" and "a lot on my mind."
• Date card #4: "Love gets better with age ... and castles ... and helicopters. The Bachelorette!!" Okay maybe it didn't say all of that.
• Wow, Chris and the scooter ... someone get this guy a helicopter ride for the sake of his manhood.
• Now that Ali's behind the wheel, I'm fairly impressed the producers allowed this one. Could you imagine how badly the rest of the season would go if Ali scraped the crap out of her knees and elbows after a moped crash?
• Chris is out. There's no way she boots Roberto, Frank or Kirk over him. And I think she thinks Ty's hotter.
• Well it's rose ceremony time and we're 3 for 3: purposefully loosened tie for Roberto, casual Friday for Chris and a statement dress from Ali.
• Sign of how boring this episode was/is: they're giving a full 30 minutes to Jake and Vienna. I would take this personally, Ali. If I were you, I'd go into full messy hair / moan mode. Actually, that would be the perfect transition back into some prime time with Jake.
• Uh oh, Ty. You did not want Chris to get that rose. Thanks for dressing up at least, buddy.
• Tennis bracelet FTW! Nice pull, Chris.
• It's the rainiest limo-side goodbye in Bachelorette history.
• Wow, the super mope face is back. And the rain certainly isn't helping that hair.
• And now, the drama ... "Hi, I'm Chris Harrison. Many people have found love on our show ... well, actually 14 of the 14 bachelors have eventually broken up with the woman they gave their final rose to. And one super stud of the universe didn't give out a rose at all. Man those were the days! We've given you updates when our couples get married and even have children ... well technically both of those updates were about one couple: Trista and Ryan. They're the only couple we've actually produced. But no bother! This Jake and Vienna drama is solid white hot gold, baby!!! Get ready for a bucket-sized helping of awkward sauce."
• Most interesting tidbit so far ... Harrison went out to dinner with Jake and Vienna just for kicks? Is this a post-Bachelor tradition? Or do Jake and Harrison have some sort of special bro bond?
• So far what I'm hearing is ... Jake is an adult. Vienna is 18 (for all intents and purposes). A relationship not built around whirlwind dates around the world didn't work. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhocking.
• Jake! Bringing it. "Oh yes, baby, I've got text messages."
• This is some must-see shit right here. I've never seen such passive aggressive behavior from two people at the same time. I'm worried they're going to create some kind of passive aggressive black hole.
• Why did Vienna have a dude in her house that has a cuss word for a last name?
• I know what would solve all their issues: a paulie-o-graph test. Woah! Just as I typed it, Vienna said it too. Those pauli-o-graphs solve everything!
• Well lookie here. The original bach blogger awakens from her slumber. How say you, Sports Gal?
• The bleeps are fantastic. Apparently Harrison watched a Vienna interview on NB-$#*@ ... or the F#$& Network ... or HBO-&*#$
• New twist idea on an old classic tune courtesy of Vienna: "I Hate LA."
• Amazingly Vienna is coming out this looking less crazy here. I'm easily picturing him talking down to her 90% of the time.
• With that said, I fully support throwing GPS units in the back of the SUV and I freaking despise re-measuring furniture.
• Co-sign: "We don't ... really care about the dog."
• Harrison is so awesome. "How do we move forward? And when I say we, I actually don't mean we at all. I mean you. Probably should have just gone straight to 'you two' from the start there. Classic me -- I mean us -- no, wait, me. Yeah, 'me' is the right one there."
• While I agree that she is interrupting you, Jake, you really don't make a good impression by saying "again with the interruption" 16 times over.
• The disembodied "stay tuned" from Harrison as the camera points at a pitch black closed door ... might have been the moment of the episode.
• Even more hard hitting interview questions from Chris: "What do you make of what just happened? What just happened here?"
• I'll leave it to Harrison to sum up: "... but ... it is what it is." Someone sign this guy up for the next 10 seasons!
• My summary would have been ... "Both of you seem entirely undateable and I'm guessing hundreds of people just decided not to get engaged based on the last 30 minutes. Thanks to both of you for talking to us -- me -- us ... whatever, somethin'."

Next week, apparently the guy who lives with his parents does not have the most awkward date. That honor goes to Kirk's dad from Wisconsin. He likes taxidermy. And Frank likes being wound way way tight. So tight that he dates other girls to take the edge off. Good times.

The Bachelorette Musings: Ali and Man Drama in Turkey

Well it's time to go to Turkey, get greased up and wrestle and of course find out which one of these weirdos has a girlfriend that would allow him to go on The Bachelorette of all reality shows. It's occurred to me that this season hasn't really been about Ali at all. Each and every story line has been about the dudes. Let's see if Ali can carry the show beyond her ridiculous establishing shots now that Bubble is gone.

• "I don't think anything could go wrong at this point." I see what you did there, editing team.
• It's never good when when something is brought to Harrison's attention. He bats 1.000 when it comes to bad news being associated with "attention."
• This is some gripping TV here. We just watched Harrison check the dial tone, dial all 17 numbers and then listened to the phone ring six (6!) times before Jesse picked up. I was worried about how they were going to stretch this into 2 hours before the ep started. I am no longer worried. Can we at least turn the next phone dialing sequence into a montage of some kind? A phone operation montage.
• "Jesse, hey. Chris Harrison. ... I'm good. Well actually I'm not that great. We just burned 30 seconds of air time on executing this call and it is beyond awkward. ... What? Oh yeah, we should probably move onto the reason we called. 2 hours is a LOT of time to kill, ya know!? Okayyyy, here's Ali."
• Oh, Rated Injured. How could you do this to me? More importantly, how could you do this to all 9 of the studs on Bubble's arm -- er, on the show that trusted you and stuck up for you? Oh wait.
• The non-verbal shots of Harrison are fantastic.
• Also does Ali seem almost excited about this? Her tone of voice is way off.
• I was joking about actually learning who the girlfriend is and what her motives were/are. WTF is going on? We're talking to Inj's girlfriend? And she's revealing that everything everyone suspected about him is true? This season is beyond weird.
• Inj has Ali, a 2-year girlfriend and a 2-month girlfriend. He's Rated R!
• I like that Jesse and the girlfriend's footage was shot on a Flip Mino without a tripod.
• Hearing all this news: pretty good. Harrison saying "sorry" and then clearing his throat awkwardly: priceless.
• Time wasting via network television lesson #2 - hall walking montages kill a good minute and make for a great bump in.
• Kiiiiinda into the Valley Girl speech that Ali laid down. Also into how Inj handled it. "Well! I'm boned. Later, y'all!"
• Cancel that. Didn't realize he had no plan for what to do when he left the hotel. "Uh. Ah. Damn, this restaurant isn't open yet and apparently there are no side walks in Turkey so looks like I'm gonna have to plow through this shrub and scale this fountain. This is exactly how I figured I'd go out."
• I think we already knew this, but there's no way Justin makes it as a wrestler after this. Lying/acting is pretty important in the sports entertainment world. Justin is out on more than just this show.
• Ty and Ali are on a date. That is all.
• Frank! The last of the crazies. Save us from this horrible date, dude.
• I haven't considered writing a comment for 20 minutes. What we have here is 2 semi-normal people on an innocuous and completely unremarkable date. I'm dreaming of phone dialing montages with Harrison.
• The guys to Ali in the castle: "Put down your hair." Ali: "It won't reach." This is your bachelorette, America.
• This is your first time wrestling covered in olive oil, Chris? I always knew you were a weirdo.
• Let's hear it for Craig. The last non-chiseled bachelor standing. And he wins the olive oil wrestling competition to boot. Lawyered.
• I know what would allow Frank to cool out and relax coming into this group date. A nice, relaxing, soothing date card. Something along the lines of "Frank, the road to love is BIZARRE. Ali." Most ominous date card ever. Might as well have said "No rose for you."
• What just happened? Is Ali and Frank's date over yet? I fell asleep.
• I was snapped back to life when they previewed "Bachelor Pad!" Is it August 9th yet?
• Ali actually likes Frank? I didn't see that coming.
• Roberto wears a necklace over his shirt in his head shot? Hhhhhuh.
• I'm meant to believe that it was Ali's idea to go straight to the rose ceremony? Anah. Anah, producers!
• "Gentlemen, I know you were surprised there was no cocktail party. Chris from Cape Cod, I know you were surprised to find out your street shoes look stupid with that suit. I've had enough. I've had enough of this casual Friday routing on elimination night! Is nothing sacred any more!?" How much would I kill to have Harrison spice things up right about now?
• Uh, later Craig. You can't hypo love I guess, dude. (Little joke for all the 1L's out there.)

Thank the lord for "this season on The Bachelorette" redux cuz this episode was abismal. My hope is that Frank has a girlfriend. And it's the same girl that Justin was 2-timing Jessica with.

The Bachelorette Musings: Ali and Man Drama in Iceland!

As Bjork would say ... Greetings, Narlax. Repeat after me, everyone: vörður og vernda hjarta sér. Yeah, that's right. That says "guard and protect her heart" in Icelandic. The Bachelorette Blog is good for one thing if nothing else: cold hard knowledge, people. Now let's all watch Bubble Throat be a man ... be a man for that woman.

• Remember that kids game? Don't step on the floor - the floor is lava. Iceland is where that game is real. The lava is lava.
• You know what's hilarious? When Harrison says "love poem." You all have the worst nervous laughs ever.
• Guess which guy in this crew wears fingerless gloves? Bubble, that's who. Purple ones.
• Extra credit for Icelandic words? Just point them to this blog and it'd be in the bag.
• Either I just blacked out or Chris N actually said words out loud that were captured on film, edited into a piece and then aired on ABC.
• Over/under on number of times Bubble says "heart" on this episode: 51.5. I would count, but it would honestly annoy me too much.
• How far away did Ali run from during her intro to the love poem segment? She rocked a full speech before arriving.
• Body language from everyone involved in this segment: colder than sasquatch balls.
• Hey Chris N, probably shoulda kept that speechless streak going there, duder.
• What episode are we on? How does it always take 5 contestants before someone realizes they should interact with Ali during the competitive bits? Ya know, rather than standing 15 feet away from her and squinting/freezing/forgetting your lines.
• Hey Ali, don't say what I just said about approaching you during competitions.
• Ok, Kirk, you seem to be the only normal dude here. I'm actually kinda curious/interested in how this date goes.
• Same outfit, huh? Well here's to being in the moment. Cuz out of the moment, y'all look goofy.
• Kirk hasn't dated someone for more than a year ... and neither have I. Maybe I'll learn something later in the date the same time Ali does ... besides what I've already learned: don't wear the same outfit on a date that's being taped and televised.
• Group date announcement time. 1) Chris L said "numero uno" when he said Roberto's name first. I see what you did there. 2) Inj vs. Bubble? This is like Kobe vs. Lebron. 1st team all outcast vs. 1st team all (heart) defense.
• Time to bitch about commercials: did the guy doing the voice-over promos for Wipeout win a contestant for most annoying voice?
• I was only half paying attention during Kirk's dinner, but I'm pretty sure it played out exactly like an episode of House. Introduction to character -> explanation of symptoms -> multiple failed attempts at diagnoses and treatments -> turns out it's something ridiculously simple based on the character's environment -> almost instantly cured.
• Bubble's deep-seeded belief in his tattoo didn't even last a full episode. He's already regretting it. Awesome. Way to stick to your guns, Bubble.
• Did anyone notice the throw away line where he said he likes physical pain? Really killing it with those rose choices, Ali.
• If I were a betting man and we could put Ali on a lie detector, I would bet on the fact that Ali is really not having a good time in Iceland. Her face while waiting for the guys holding 5 horses on a glacier ... well the term overjoyed didn't come to mind.
• "First horseback riding, now we're going into a cave. What's next, playing with snakes?" Yep, Chris L, that's what's next. A little snake play. Huge snake population in fugging Iceland!
• Inj vs. Bubble grows even more epic. Now that Inj's crutch walk has been out done with the heart guard tattoo, it's time for him to venture out and do something sneaky. This is why this match up is so crazy. It's not enough that they're the first two guys to actively do things during non-dates to get an edge ... Inj has now done so twice in a season!
• I'm pretty sure throwing away those crutches was a waste. I could be wrong but I'm guessing those things are pretty easily reused by the next injured person. Hopefully Ali's not into recycling.
• Sorry, just had to take a major break. It was taking all I had not to finally dive into the new iPhone software and folder-ize all my $#!*. I feel better.
• Blue lagoon segment ... I'll give it up. Ali did her homework.
• I know this show is now a national treasure and a world wide success, but the group dates at this stage in the season remain a little creepy. Bunch of dudes waiting around to have their time to make out with Ali.
• Frank, you're losing ground, you've got Ali in a bath robe alone and she's clearly suuuuuuuper tipsy. Eyes on the prize, dude. Aaaaaaand you didn't even make a move? Choke city, man.
• We're back in the hot tub and Ali is nothing short of trashed. Good times.
• Better times - Days of Our Lives maintains his vow of silence since the love poem segment. Good call, Chris N.
• Ali is approaching "I'm fine" drunk. That drunk where if you ask the person a simple question or even just let the silence hang for a second, they're sure to blurt out "I'm fine." at least 2 or 3 times in a row. I'm ... I'm fine. I'm fine.
• Commercial commentary: this rookie cop show is gonna suck. If you want to go throwback, check out The Shield or The Wire for a good cop show. Something current - Southland.
• I think Bubble just wished for Ali to say "Kick rocks, dude." Can we talk to Harrison about reversing the entire rose process so she says "kick rocks" to everyone she wants to boot instead of giving out roses to those she wants to keep? "Gentlemen ... Ali ... this is the final rock tonite. Kick it when you're ready."
• There are too many Bubble quotes for me to keep up with. "The wrestler would probably break his other leg to get a rose." And that's worse than getting a tattoo for a rose how?
• "I mean what I say ... and when I say I mean what I say ... well, I'm proving that I would do anything including tattooing my body and go through any amount of pain to find love here with Ali." Except for breaking my leg. That kind of pain is not a good pain. It's a pain that says "kick rocks, Ali. I'm here for me. I'm here to put on a show." Tattoos on the other hand ... totally sensible, level headed, perfect-foundation-for-the-start-of-a-long-healthy-relationship pain. My logic is flawless. I am Bubble Throat.
• More gold sandwiched by the shots of Bubble sitting alone in the snow and coughing pathetically: "I'm just gonna be myself and I'm gonna have fun and I'm gonna do what I do best and that's just be myself and just be who I am." Score it at home. That's 3 "I'm's" and 3 "gonna's" all strung together with 4 "and's" and finished with "be who I am." He's nothing if not well spoken. And he didn't even mention "heart" once.
• The best foreboding in any reality show ever is finally executed. "The only thing Kasey has to do today is be normal." Let's get him to plug the oil leak while we're at it. Topical!!
• Ali's smile after Bubble's explanation of the tat: "I am going to smile and say whatever I need to say to get the hell out of here without being kidnapped."
• You know what people say a lot and really fervently when they're not nervous and very confident with an interaction they just had with a chick? "Exactly!"
• You know how you know you're crazy? When the Bachelorette tells you that you're not getting the rose rather than giving the other guy the rose ... "I'm gonna give Justin the rose."
• This is all just too easy. "I just don't know where I went wrong," says Bubble as a helicopter lifts off with the woman he's meant to be a man for with his arch enemy "The Wrestler."
• Nice job by Injured playing his douche card at the end. "2 roses. 1 to Justin and 1 to Rated R!"
• Onto the cocktail party ... if Ali kisses Frank and then doesn't give him a rose, all time pantheon moves.
• Ali: "Chris N, if I were to ask you one thing that I don't know about you that would surprise me ..." Chris N: "That I have vocal chords."
• Again Kirk nails the behind the scenes comedy: "brunch once a year."
• This just in: Days of Our Lives is a mute AND totally delusional. I've never seen someone more likely to get the boot. Kick rocks, Chris N.
• I was jerked away from ignoring the Harrison / Ali interview by the silence filled with his ridiculous look and ever so slight head nodding while waiting for Ali's response. You're a weird guy, Harrison.
• My money is on the following rock-kicker: Chris N no question. But Craig would be out too if she was booting two. (Fun with homonyms.)
• Aaaaaand the final 2 men without roses confirm my premonition.
• Bingo. And would you believe it? No exit interview. Just a walk to the car.
• Oh wait, he blows his season long word count out of the water in the limo expressing feelings I didn't know a guy who wasn't even on the show could have.
• Did Ali just say "supposably?" Uggggh.

We'll see you in Turkey next week, sports fans. And we find out if it's Roberto or Kirk that has a girlfriend back home. You really know how to pick 'em, Ali.

iPhone 4 ordering process

This about sums up the iPhone 4 ordering process so far.

The Bachelorette Musings: Ali and Man Drama - Episode 4

First things first. Zach reminded me that Bubble Throat has a second great nick name. Wocka as in ... wocka wocka! (Side note: what are the chances!) Onto another 2 hours of men not acting like men ... in New York!

• How early does Harrison wake these guys up? Cuz some of them look like death. There's no way it's earlier than 10am ... which confirms that these guys should be enjoying sleeping in every day, working out and then maybe going on a date or staying home and drinking beer and bbq'ing. What are they doing instead? Taking every chance they can to start shit.
• I just ran back the close up shot of the tattoo knuckle guy working the hair dryer three times. Was I supposed to take something from that? Is this an episode of Lost?
• Wocka's lame double peace sign for the Flip camera reminded me of this. His ideal first date involves horseback riding and a yacht? F this guy. Also I think we should take note of that tattoo count for later.
• Now that he's on the one-on-one date ... Bubble Throat is too good of a nick name. It's just so damn descriptive.
• "I turn around and there's a helicopter blowing on my face. I'm like 'Oh no. Are you serious?'" Yes, Bubble! Yes, we're serious!! It's the fracking Bachelorette! The franchise has averaged 1.78 helicopter rides per episode since the late 90s! You're more likely to go on a helicopter ride than get kicked off the show at this point in the season! Bah, I dislike him so much.
• ... and then he sang. Bubble serenade really might have been the most awkward moment in Bachelorette history. Are you with me, Harrison!?
• Cape Code Chris was right: unicorn love. So accurate.
• Even Frank is beating up on Rated Injured? What a weird universe this show depicts.
• Ali asks "So how is this different from your other relationships?" "Hmmmm, well I'm dating you competition-style against 8 or so other dudes, a date that doesn't involve a helicopter ride is considered "weird," we're alone in a museum at night running around with flash lights, oh and there's TV cameras and lighting everywhere ... what else what else what else? Oh yeah, and you're Ali."
• Bubble Serenade 2: Awkward Boogaloo. Ali actually scores some points with me with her face that says "I'm going to listen to you, but I'm going to try to telepathically tell you that this is horrible and I can hardly keep from forcefully stopping you."
• Onto the group date ... So these guys are tripping over each other running up stairs to get a part in the Lion King musical and the wrestler is the weird one? I don't understand. There is no understanding.
• Just when Bubble's serenades couldn't get any worse, this date actually demands that every dude sing to her. It's like the awkward olympics.
• Unflattering defined: Ali's ass in a Lion King wire work outfit.
• ABC doesn't even get the losers/winners (I'm fine with either description in this scenario) seats in the theater? They're watching it on closed circuit TV? What kind of low Lion King production is this? (Get it? Cuz I should have said 'low rent' but I said 'low Lion King?' Rent? Cuz that's a Broadway play too! HAHAHAHAHAHALOLOLOHAHAHAROFLROFL--not funny.)
• Let's really document history here, Harrison. Tiny Weatherman was just the victim of the first ever rejection to "Can I steal ____ away for a second?" I honestly can't remember such a thing occurring.
• Hey, Tiny Weatherman. What does it mean when Ali chooses Kirk to take her up her room and not you? It means we have a high pressure system moving in from the East and what it's gonna do is it's gonna push out all these gloomy skies we've been seeing right on outta here. And when I say "gloomy skies," I mean the guys on this show that are wound way too tight. And when I say "guys on the show wound too tight," I mean "guys on the show that are also weathermen." Get the hint, dude.
• Tiny Weatherman asks "Where's Bubble?" Anyone check to see if he's crutching his way up Mulholland drive? Call-back!
• Bubble getting a tattoo to make Ali open up to him is as good of an idea as a couple getting pregnant to "save the relationship."
• Hey Bubble, this is you and this is the edge. You're over it. (I spent C-Cubed's entire date working that up and I'm fine with that.)
• Dave wins the Josh Radin joke opportunity with this one: "How great would it be if it was Bare Naked Ladies again?"
• Fine. I'll say it. I'm gonna see Knight and Day ... and there's a very decent chance I'm going to like it a lot. Tom Cruise's insanity makes him better. Does no one else see this?
• Onto the cocktail party ... The open hate for Rated Injured remains impressive.
• "Those roses mean a lot to me. They carry a lot of weight." Really, Ali? Really?
• I tried. I really tried to find something hatable about Kirk. After serious deliberation, I think he might actually be a normal, decent dude.
• I'm serious. Who is this guy? Has he been on the show the whole time?
• Okay, seriously. This tattoo is the biggest mistake ever on this show, right? Imagine Bubble on date #1 with another girl down the line. She asks for the story behind the tattoo. There is no answer that gets him to date #2.
• Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, Frank makes fun of Bubble to his face and he thinks everyone loves the tattoo. GREAT times. Frank (!) is making fun of you, dude. Not good.
• "You're gonna be the tattooed Bachelorette guy for the rest of your life." Cape Cod Chris, everybody!
• The new guy (Chris N. apparently) couldn't even move or react. That's how insane this tattoo is. Worth replaying at home if it's still on your TiVo. PS Are we sure Chris N wasn't taken off the set of Days of Our Lives and inserted on the show mid season?
• Apparently sick Ali likes to show some skin. This is her most revealing dress to date, no?
• Ali's favorite candy is Sour Patch Kids? I have to admit. I didn't see that coming.
• Frank!!!!! What are you doing!!!??!?!?! (You all know what I'm talking about.)
• Holy crap, I just realized Ali's dress isn't a dress. It's some sort of weird back-less one-zee. Her weird cocktail outfit streak lives on!
• I'm still flabbergasted from Frank's interruption. She's not going to see the tattoo before handing out the roses. I am so rooting for Bubble getting a rose now.
• Days of Our Lives gets a rose and I honestly can't remember him interacting with Ali in any way ... or even talking for that matter.
• Inj is in again! (And pushes Tiny Weatherman one step closer to full on melt down.)
• This honestly might be the most I've ever been interested in a final rose.
• YES! This is so amazing! Amazing! She picked the guy with the heart guard tattoo!!! And she doesn't even know!!! Oh this is so great. I just exclaimed multiple times. Dave is a witness. I'm honestly sad that I didn't pause the DVR and tape my reaction. I've never wished for something Bachelor related so much ... all my dreams.
• Forecast for the Tiny Weatherman: partly teary with a 90% chance of self pity and depression.
• Okay, enough of you, Tiny. Let's get back to a season that just totally redeemed itself. Frank is my new hero. Bless you, Frank.
• Oh wait, Ali just said "I thought I'd put you guys on ice and take you to Iceland." Nevermind. Worst season ever.
• No one can say Iceland without me linking to the greatest thing Iceland has ever produced: Kristen Wiig's impression of Bjork.

Next week: the season that went from horrific to one of the best seasons ever in the course of 20 minutes sees if the impossible can become possible. In Ali's words ... "The only thing [Bubble] has to do is be normal." Good luck with that one, Ali!!!!

Amazing!

The Bachelorette Musings: Ali and Man Drama - Episode 3

By popular demand (aka Ando, Tim and Ella), here we are. I'm just gonna start with episode 3 as far as the blog goes.

Episode 1 - I watched with my family in Hawaii. It was fun to actually speak my snark aloud to people in the room for a change. I remember imagining how ridiculous filming all of Ali's lead in package footage must have been, skipping the Harrison/Ali sit down interview and thinking that was a great decision, the wrestler guy (aka Rated Injured) and being annoyed with how the wet driveway destroyed Ali's dress (just like it did Jillian's). But mostly I remember this:

I'm pretty sure Ali spent 50% of the episode holding hands with these dudes in this fashion. Also known as the most awkward way to carry on a conversation imagineable. This trend and her general mood of "freak out!" quickly let me know that the streak of me not liking the main player in a Bachelor/Bachelorette season is running strong.

Looking at this week's upcoming scenes, we seem to be in store for a helicopter ride (shocker), the most incredible sell out ever (by a band I never "got" and now certainly never will) and ... man drama. On that subject, I'm with Ando: "The man drama on The Bachelorette is out of control. And, frankly, a bit shameful. What happened to doing keg stands and eating dog food?"

Onto this week's episode and even more man drama!

• Craig R loves two things: helicopter rides (that he's not on) and deep Vs!
• The audio they pipe through these helicopter head sets is top notch. Kudos to the sound team at ABC. Can we get some more static in the monitors?
• Just when I couldn't hate the tight wire thing any more, Ali resumes the pose (see photo above).
• How many different confessionals did Ali do about this date? Judging from the outfits, I count 4 so far.
• I'm sorry, but I could never be as cheesy as Roberto. I'm out, casting director. I disqualify myself.
• I think as a society, we can stop qualifying the phrase "you surprised me" with "in a good way!" No one has ever said "you surprised me! ... in the most negative way you can possibly imagine."
• Onto the group date ... what's that, Ali? You've got a surprise for us? Is it in a good way? Is the surprise that there's no helicopter ride? Cuz that actually would be a little mind blowing.
• Hey Frank, shut up about the BNL song and its relevancy to the situation you're all in. Seriously do they get a bonus each time their BS comment from confessional makes it onto the show?
• My first chuckle of the episode comes courtesy Tiny Weatherman and his crazy high stress level regarding his role in the video. Big fan of this guy maintaining this freak out.
• Why do all these scenes have lines of dialogue? What kind of weird music video is this? Shouldn't the song be playing over the scene?
• Tiny Weatherman is crying? What the hell is going on with this season? Also, while we're here, worst music video ever, right? Has to be.
• Look I'm not saying I'm looking closely at this, but the cumulative body fat percentage of these dudes is like 17%, right? Cumulative. Here's my guess for the casting call for this season. Wanted: guys who work out constantly, love saying cliches into a camera and are highly suspicious of other dudes' "reasons"
• Onto the roof top ... if I haven't said it already, Tiny Weatherman bugs.
• Can I make a request? Can we have a clock in the lower right corner that shows how long each dude gives the other dude before he plays the "Can I steal Ali away?" card? How informative would that be?
• Roof top hot tubbing? I immediately miss Roslyn.
• Aw, Rated Injured ... no pool time for you. If you were really hard core, you'd bust that cast on the post and Super Fly Snuka into that pool.
• Confirmed. Worst music video ever. Thanks for removing any doubt.
• That security guard that told Rated Injured where Ali lives ... he got fired right? Can you just tell the cast members where she lives?
• Rated Injured just reeled off his second "at the end of the day" of the episode. Please just stop.
• Onto the home date ... no up front license plate on Ali's car ... I'm surprised Santa Monica police didn't drop her a ticket. (That one was for Carolla.)
• Thank goodness for Lakers/Celtics on TV #2 because this date is beyond awkward.
• Make it 3 "end of the day's" for Rated Injured.
• Just so I know ahead of time that I'm going to hell, can someone tell me if Kasey is/was deaf. Cuz if not, I'm calling him Bubble Throat.
• If you're a dude, here's a sign a date is going badly ... girl drops multiple thank you's, I appreciate it's, etc. She's saying that to help her feel better about rejecting you later.
• And I wrote that last bullet BEFORE Ali said "Thank you for being so great." Unreal, Ali. Honestly "Please leave my house now" would have been less embarrassing.
• Kirk says Rated Injured doesn't need to gloat? Incorrect. He's a wrestler. Gloating is literally a job requirement.
• Before it happens, I'll ask ... the dudes hate Rated Injured because they don't think he's in it for the right reasons, right? So how does his walk to Ali's house make them more angry about his intentions? Seems like that's the opposite of the Roslyn-type maneuvers he could be trying to pull which would certainly say "wrong reasons."
• Wipeout. Seriously. Wipeout.
• Back to Injured ... Why does he feel the need to keep his visit a secret? Is it entirely so he can smirk at the camera and make vague references to "one on one" time during convos with the other guys?
• Frank's gonna pop. He's this season's Michelle. He's this season's Hillary.
• Nothing lets people know you're getting pissed like saying "aboot." Probably also isn't helping Injured's wrestling career. (See note above regarding gloating.)
• Good call, Ty. It is like "Mr. Jekyll ... and Hyde." Might want to think those analogies out ahead of time, Ty.
• Direct quote from Ty: "This is my only question ... The person that I see every day walking around this house isn't the same person that she sees." GREAT question, Ty. I had never considered that question.
• Suddenly Injured is looking like this season's Vienna.
• I've already tired of typing "Rated." I look forward to when I shorten it to "Inj."
• I like that Frank looks like he's studying for The Bachelorette written exam at all times. Remember the most common multiple choice answer is C, Frank.
• Roberto: "Justin walked over to her house yesterday ... in crutches." Kasey: "How is that possible?" Did you miss the part about the crutches, Kasey? Not quite sure how else he would have walked over there.
• This whole scene is one of the oddest things ever. I'd like to repeat my argument. How exactly does walking miles on crutches make the dude less in it for Ali? And more importantly what are these chicks' -- er, dudes' deal? How about we stop gossiping and do a keg stand or play some XBox or write a blog about the Bachelorette? Ya know ... something that men actually do?
• Just noticed ... is Ali wearing a tan drape as a dress? Someone check the windows at Ali's house. I nominate Inj.
• Jesse's non-verbal response to Ali's comment about his "jean get up" ... maybe the moment of the season so far.
• Did Ali win a state championship in college? That is a giant f'ing ring.
• Tiny Weatherman is officially the worst. He and Frank should date.
• Booyah. Inj is in! Even though I'm weirded out by him crying alone by the pool, I'm pullin' for Inj.
• PS I understand that Wes paved the way to play the "intentions" card, but here's the difference. Ladies enjoy the Bachelorette. Ladies also enjoy country music. You know what ladies don't like? Entertainment wrestling. I really don't think Injured figured he was gonna score a bunch of fans on the Bachelorette and then they'd all switch over to TNA immediately after. I will say this though. He scored one. He scored one.

Next week, a bunch of dudes' odd obsession with a never-will-be wrestler spans the globe ... on The Bachelorette! And apparently Bubble Throat is a cutter? Weirdest season ever. You don't even need to say it, Harrison.

Luke's iPad Review Plus Some Tips

Well I've had my iPad for about a month and my predictions regarding what it was and how I'd use it were pretty accurate: as far as media consumption goes, the iPad is a ridiculously capable and beautiful toy. I say toy because I tend to use it for fun. If anyone out there is using it efficiently for work or non-fun things, more power to them.

Some of the notable pros

• Being able to switch orientations at any time (especially when just browsing apps) is a feature that I now find myself longing for on the iPhone. Some sites have griped about how the vertical orientation has 4 apps per row while the horizontal has 5 apps per row which apparently completely befuddles people as to how/where to find their apps. Uh, here's a tip: if it's not on the row you're looking at, it's either one row up or one row down.
• Orientation lock is also fantastic and something else that is hopefully coming soon to the iPhone.
• The battery life is incredible. 10 hours of heavy usage is legit. I have push notifications turned on for just about everything, use the iPad as my primary iPod during work and still only have to charge once every 2 days usually.
• The native apps are great - Mail, Contacts, YouTube and Calendar is probably my favorite. Since it has "List" view with the big screen, it might actually be the best iCal app that Apple has put out. List view on the iPhone is nice, but small. List view on iCal on the Mac doesn't exist.

Some of the notable cons

• I haven't really figured out the keyboard yet. I took to the iPhone keyboard like a duck to water. The two-thumb "just type and trust that the iPhone will figure it out" technique works great for me. The two thumb technique isn't really an option on the iPad since the screen is so big. Trying to do a full qwerty set up with both hands ... I haven't found the groove.
• You really do need something to set this thing on. Holding it with one hand while using it with the other for an extended period of time just isn't comfortable. I guess all this means is that this thing isn't quite yet the Star Trek communicator.
• I haven't acclimated to the $10+ price point on certain apps yet. I guess the semi-standard $1 price tag on iPhone apps has me pulling a Scrooge here, but so far I haven't bought an app that cost more than $5.

In Summary

It's a gorgeous toy. As far as consuming email, websites, social media, video, audio, it's as good as it gets. Content creation is not as outstanding, but obviously still doable. The keyboard is quite usable and a bluetooth connected keyboard clears up that issue. Still a laptop or desktop has it beat when it comes to composing big documents, spreadsheets, etc. I didn't get the 3G because my primary usage will be at work, home, airports ... all of which have wifi these days. Plus the 3G is $30/month. And my iPhone already has 3G so i'll use my iPhone when I really need data and I'm not near a wireless. In short, this is one of the best unnecessary toys I've ever purchased. When it comes to sitting on the couch and goofing around on the web, the iPad is the best "laptop" ever.

Notable Apps

This is my home page.

• Native apps of Calendar, Contacts, Photos, Maps, Videos, YouTube and the iTunes/App Stores are fantastic. The origami slide show is exceptionally pretty and fun to use. You can see it in the first couple seconds of this video.
• Evernote is on all my devices - all my Macs, PCs and my iPhone (both work and home). I use it for taking notes, keeping extra copies of receipts and keeping To Do lists.
• I use YouTube on the iPad more than I use it on my computer. The layout and flow is fantastic.
• Yahoo Entertainment is now my go-to TV guide.
• Netflix and ABC are great for watching stuff when you're on WiFi.
• USA Today, Instapaper Pro (one of the afore-mentioned $5 apps I bought), NewsRack (another $5 gone) and Stumble Upon make for great reading material. Instapaper Pro allows me to save articles to read later when I'm not connected to WiFi. NewsRack is the best RSS reader I've found so far.
• Twitterific is the free Twitter client I'm using until Tweetie comes out with something for the iPad.
• And then my home screen games: Words HD, We Rule, Godfinger. All fun online games that you can check in on for 5 minutes or 60 minutes at a time.
• My username is johnsonl33 pretty much across with board if you want to play Words with me or be my friend on We Rule or Godfinger.
• One thing I'll see is that I think the iPod app actually has a ton of room for improvement (pending a future blog post or a call from Steve Jobs).

And onto my 2nd page.

• More fun reading apps: SkyGrid, Zinio Magazine Reader, New York Times Editors' Choice.
• NBA Courtside is a great companion while watching NBA playoff games.
• The Marvel app is so well done that I read my first comic in 15 years recently and plan to read more.
• Plenty of reading options - iBooks and Kindle are pretty much the same - no crazy stand outs that I can see that one has over the other. Stanza is the carry over from the iPhone that has all the books I've downloaded from drinkmalk.com. I need to take the time to switch them over to iBooks for an iPad-optimized reading experience.
• GoodReader is a great tool that allows for storing, organizing and viewing of files you receive via the web - PDFs, images, etc.
• Some carry overs from the iPhone: WootWatch, Zenbe Lists for GTD, Bookworm, Streak For The Cash, ESPN Scorecenter, Remote and Drop7. All these apps proved good enough that I still use them even though they're not iPad optimized.
• Again I can't say enough about Drop7 - possibly the best iPhone/iPad game I've come across yet.
• And then we have some iPad optimized games: Pinball HD, SpaceStation, Sudoku and Implode! All pretty and very fun - Pinball being the real winner of the bunch. What a gorgeous and well executed game. I can understand why it's been in the App Store top 5 since its release.

Tips and Accessories

• Wallpapers - As gorgeous as the default wallpaper for the iPad is, there's plenty more great backgrounds to be found at interfacelift.com already sized for the iPad.
• Also I've cut and cropped a few of my favorite carry overs from the past years that haven't yet been cropped by the original authors. Check out my collection here.

• Accessories - As you can see in my pics at the top of the post, I picked up this little gem for my iPad stand - the Fellowes Study Stand. I actually picked up 2 since they're only $5 each - one for my desk, oen for the coffee table. No need for a $30 iPad dock. Just grab one of these. And they fold up so you can take one with you.
• And I also found this little guy collecting dust in my company's supply closet - a slightly nicer option for a couple extra bucks. You can find them at Office Depot.
• For travel, I had to bite the bullet and pick up a case. I got this one. It comes a portable/foldable stand that works great on trays on planes. Worth the $40 (I guess).
• I use my static free cloth that came with my iMac to wipe down the screen every now and then. The screen does a good job of "shining through" the finger prints, but it's still nice to have something to wipe it down every so often.

In the words of Ferris Bueller, "if you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up."

Kaitlyn and Eric's Wedding

Kaitlyn and Eric's wedding featuring Thank God I Miss You by Ben Rector and then the greatest wedding song of all time - Footloose!

Sorry for the mushy start.

Another Day, Another T-Shirt

"What t-shirt am I gonna wear? Can't decide! Brain anneurism!"

-Tenacious D

The Bachelor Diaries: On The Wings of Awkward Proposals

Well, here we are. Another season almost in the bag. And all we need to do is stomach our way through 2 hours of awkward interaction with the family that raised what grew to be Jake. Oh yeah ... and helicopter arrivals for the big decision. Aviation.

• Jake goes with "so in love" for both of the ladies? WTF, Jake.
• "My family just shut down their lives to come out here and help me." The whole St. Lucia thing probably didn't hurt, dude.
• "Both laugh at my stupid jokes," says Jake. Mom's reaction: "Wow." So far I love Mom.
• LOVE Mom. "Is she the girl everybody hated?"
• First commercial break. I'll agree with Ando's logic that he's gonna pick Vienna due to a) lack of previous marriage baggage, b) the Hooters girl factor (aka rocked Jake in the bedroom) and c) the fact that she has nothing going on besides being in love with Jake.
• Tenley, cool it on the mmhmm's, yeah's and uh huh's with Jake's mom. Just let her ask the damn question.
• You know what Tenley's good at? Conversing while crying.
• I'm pretty sure this all means that Vienna's time with the fam is going to be a fracking train wreck.
• "You need to tell her how goofy you get," says Mom to Jake. Yeah, tell her, but whatever you do, don't show her.
• Chances of Jake coming up with the idea of jumping in the pool himself? What number is lower than 0%?
• The train wreck is off to a ridiculously fast start. Vienna is like a train wreck engineer. Every move she makes brings this date to a new disastrous level.
• Okay. Every girl on The Bachelor and every girl in Jake's family and every girl I know can't all be wrong. Vienna is like rabies for women. Within 20 minutes, every girl in earshot is approaching foaming at the mouth rage.
• The female in-laws talking to Vienna: "You and Tenley are so different. Like night and day different. Like you're the day ... and like ... I'm a vampire. Like Jake chooses you and I'll burst into flames and die." Not verbatim, but I think the conversation went something like that.
• What just happened? Mom changed her mind and one of the in-laws is crying for judging Vienna? Did I black out over the last 5 minutes? I have no idea how Vienna turned the tide. Seriously.
• So Jake opens the Vienna date with "how do you feel about sulphur?" If I were to ask a girl this question at the beginning of a date in an alternative universe, here's the descending list of answers I'd most like to hear. A) "Uh. What? You're weird." B) "I hate sulphur." C) "I LOVE sulphur!!"
• It'd be a lot more fun if these 2 were using this mud to hide from the predator. In fact just about anything would be better than this date.
• Vienna was married for 3 days? When/how did I miss out on this fun fact?
• If nothing else, the bachelor is a vehicle for people to say every cliche they've ever heard out loud and feel like they actually mean them.
• No one has ever said "Tomorrow, one of these girls is going to be my fiance" with a frown on their face ... until Jake.
• "You captivated me deeper than I've ever been," says Jake about Tenley. I don't even know what that means. I think it's a compliment, but I'm not sure.
• My new greatest hope for the finale is that Jake proposes to Tenley and then she says no. Please please please please please.
• Grey's Anatomy is still on ... huh.
• Tenley and Jake just talked for a long time. I have nothing interesting or funny to add.
• You know what I could go for? A lot of cliched voice over from Jake with an extended shot of him sitting like this:
• 
  
• Perfect.
• Obligatory ring choosing segment -> obligatory selection of a horrible tie and it's time for chopper arrivals.
• Last minute prediction: he goes with Tenley cuz he still feels bad about whatever he said on the boat and just cuz breaking up with Tenley would be so much more of a dick move. And if there's anything we learned this season, it's that Jake is the opposite of a dick.
• Woops. So much for my last minute prediction.
• Ho. Leecrap this is even worse than I imagined.
• And then it got worse when Tenley somehow thanked him for rejecting her. And took crying while conversing to a new level.
• Sign of how horrendous the last segment was: I stopped busying myself with the Internet to pay attention to the DWTS reveal. Erin Andrews, HELLO!
• Just thought of something that made me physically smile. How pissed is Ali right now?
• Well everyone, what have we learned? Being one of the most hated females in Bachelor history pays off in the end. That's what.
• I have 3 words for you, ABC, Jake and The Bachelor franchise regarding this season: Fail. Epic Fail.

I got nothing. I'll see about doing "After The Final Rose" at a later date. It was all downhill after they booted Roslyn.

The Bachelor Diaries: On The Wings of Roslyn's Infidelity

It is on. What is it, you ask? It. Harrison. Roslyn. Arms folded grudge match. Is on. It. Plus some more crying from Ali I'm sure.

• Reliving Elizabeth's insanely awkward note reading ... coulda done without that.
• Just in case you can't tell what's "live" and what's not, the super duper not live stuff is the stuff where they've turned up the contrast so much that you kind of have to squint and everything is blurry. The really not live stuff is at normal contrast ... oh and is all happening in the fracking studio with the audience. Bungie jumping. Two dudes on a couch. Top of Coit Tower. Live studio audience. I wouldn't know which was which without the contrast.
• Oooooh, past season catch up when we get back. "You won't believe what happens when these people get together," says Harrison. Unless they combine forces to create the super large hadron collider, I'm probably gonna believe it.
  
• Jesse! My boy! GNARRRRRRR, dude!
• Nikki, I was so happy to have forgotten you.
• Did Wes just say nipple? I ran it back 4 times and can't say for sure that he's saying nipple. He uses nipples to quantify his good times?
  
• To recap ... nope. No super large hadron collider. Just drinking, flirting and making out.
• Oops, wait apparently "with great success comes ..." the need to work with 5th graders and paint life guard stands. Not exactly as quotable as Uncle Ben, but I guess it works.
• The Bachelor and someone named Mike Fleiss gave money to Ellen? Who's Mike Fleiss? Oh.
  
• Harrison says "the most memorable women are here tonight." Which girls watching at home just started crying?
• Ashley, I haven't forgotten about you.
  
• Did Gia just say that Tenley shits rainbows? Where was this personality during the season, Gigi?
• These stories about Roslyn are easily the most interesting stories from the whole season. The season has been that bad.
• Pot shots Harrison has taken at Michelle tonight ... at least 5. Don't pick on the crazy ones, Harrison. They don't know you're making fun of them half the time.
• All things considered, props to Michelle's crazy ass. She defended herself well against Harrison, Ali's "look at me" interruption and her own condemning footage.
  
• How many more viewings before Jake double closing Ali's limo door is not funny? 100? 1,000?
• What the hell is going on? Ali just apologized to Vienna and asked others to stick up for her.
• Looks wise, I'll say it. I'm not mad at Ashleigh or Elizabeth.
• Of all the cruel ironies, why did they reunite Roslyn with her steamy staffer during the walk through the back halls of the studio?
• 
• Harrison, we see that ring on your finger. No reason to try to score points with Roslyn.
• "Son, isn't the simplest story the truth?" Yes. Yes it is, Dr. Phil.
  
• How in the hell do they not have any footage of this?
  
• I know what would settle this once and for all. Have her try on the glove!
  
• How great would it be if Roslyn really was telling the truth and all the girls met late one night and formulated this conspiracy? At this point, that's my greatest hope for the outcome of this story.
• "Back by popular demand, your bachelor, Jake!" You go to hell, Harrison. You go to hell and you die!
• "When we were sitting on that bench, my heart was crying." I loathe this man.
• 
  
• Most unexpected tears of the night: Kathryn. No question. Did you WATCH the show? This guy sucks! What are you crying about?
• 
  
• I told you you blew it with Christina, Jake.
  
• ANOTHER pot shot at Michelle. Chris is ruthless tonight.
• For those scoring at home, it's 9:48pm and Steve just went upstairs and put himself to bed. Night, Steve.
• These outtakes are tremendously tremendous. (USA! USA! USA!) Harrison's response to what he uses on his teeth is my fav. And Ashleigh's send off.
• And someone get Corrie and Tenley their own show.

Next week on The Bachelor, we find out who's on the next DWTS!!! Oh and Jake picks between "sugar and spice." Which one's which exactly?

More importantly, the guy that watched Roslyn why she packed her bags and walked her to the studio tonight ... is named Paulie. And he's single!

The Bachelor Diaries: On The Wings of Fantasy Suites

Okay, it's time for the episode where all the actual dates are just prelude to a phone call from Ms. Career Woman Ali. So much for Eyes On The Prize. Oh and I forgot about the fantasy suites ... probably because the idea of Jake making a move on these chicks is about as natural as a jet planes. Aviation.

• The throwbacks to night one are kinda fun. Tenley's name is "Tenley ... like the number ten." Cute.
• Holy crap Vienna was the girl that asked to see Jake's abs straight out of the limo. I can't even imagine all the other ladies watching that episode back.
• "So I've watched about 5 minutes of this season and I hate this dude." My ever-wise roommate Dave, everybody.
• Ali is back "home" which looks a lot like a hotel room ... and sleeps with pictures of Jake by her bed. What do you call someone that puts food on the shelves at a grocery store? A stalker, that's right. (Wrong spelling, but go with me, people.)
• 2 thoughts about Gia and Jake's time in the city. 1) There's not even a word for how annoying Gia is. 2) Jake can not dance. At all.
• Wait a minute. Leap of faith ... jump of the dock into the ocean. Oh. Oh I see what you did there. Not even close to clever or charming.
• Ugh. Jake dons the necklace.
• Here's a sampling of convo during dinner. Jake: "You're very deep." Gia: "... Like, more than I would ever open up, like, really, like you don't even -- you don't even know." Deep indeed, Jake. Deep.
• Somehow the men's snowcross on the olympics has pulled me away from this deep conversation. This course is insane.
• "Eh ha. I'm ready to use the key. Eh ha!" She's deep and not shy ... and annoying beyond words.
• Tenley arrives just in time for 1,000th helicopter ride in Bachelor history!! You figure they would have rolled out some balloons or some confetti or something.
• Tenley thinks Jake loves to dance? Someone roll the Gia date for her.
• Fantasy Suite? More like Can't-asy suite! Cuz Tenley has only been with one man ... in case you hadn't heard Tenley the first 489 times. What? No recycling of jokes allowed?
• "This came from Chris Harrison ... and I'm really excited about it," says Jake. Holy crap, you sold her, Jake. I might actually be impres -- nah, can't go that far.
• Euphemisms for sex learned during tonight's show ... Tenley: "moving forward." Gia: "Ready to use the key."
• Oh no, they've shifted to pairs figure skating on the other TV. I'm forced to watch the rest of this date.
• Onto Vienna's date ... Putting an eye patch on Jake is like putting a birthday hat on a dog. He's immediately disoriented and he's gonna squirm uncomfortably until he figures out a way to get it off.
• "I don't care if we're in St. Lucia or Texas, I just want to be with him." What are you trying to say, Vienna? What are you trying to say?
• Well this date is mostly unbearable. Hey look, I was a one-year-old lush!
• Gist of the dinner date as best I can tell ... there will be no suspense when it comes to fantasy suite choice time.
• Tenley's euphemism for the evening: "show him another side of me." No real need for euphemism in this case.
• Uh, so much for suspense of the next segment ... looks like Ali's headed for Lucia.
• Why do they even bother asking for bachelor and bachelorette nominees on the website? How long has it been since we've had a newcomer as the main character? If only I had the past 5 or so odd seasons documented somehow ... shit.
• Key quote from the Jake/Ali phone convo: "Ehhhhhh." Ali's got a real way with words. I can see why he asked her back.
• Wow, looks like the damn editors at ABC got me again. Jake makes a stand. In your face, Ali! Aviation!
• That was a really really really long segment to end up right where we were at the end of the last episode.
• Gia's head tilt during her video diary makes me want to jam handfuls of marbles into my eyes.
• For the sake of drama, I hope he drops Vienna mostly cuz I think her freak out would involve the most acting out. Gia would probably cry and do an annoying whimper very similar to her annoying laugh. And dumping Tenley at this point would just be too cruel for words.
• This has to be one of the most numbing episodes in Bachelor history. I'm averaging 0.67 comments per segment over the last 4 segments.
• First draft pick - Tenley. Very impressive turn around for her.
• Oh Gia. Gia Gia Gia. Your mom was way off, right?! Lesson learned: don't listen to your mom after she's only known a guy for 2 hours.
• Did anyone else catch the giant smile on Harrison's face as he walked in to give Gia the boot? Dude was downright giddy.
• Gia's complete acceptance of all this is ... bizarre. Sad and bizarre.
• Oh and I just noticed she's wearing the necklace thing on her wrist. Please take it off for your own dignity. Good gravy.
• What is this dirt road they're taking Gia away on? Are they going to ... take care of her? Seems like the airport would be on a paved road.
• Jake puts the cherry on top of the most awkward toast of the season with not only a group hug but talk of how hard it was to get rid of Gia. Smooth as always.
• Be proud, ladies. Jake thinks you're "the best of the best."

Next week, good times with the return of the crazies from this season. And enough non-verbal reactions from Vienna and Tenley to keep us all guessing.