The Bachelorette Musings: Ali and Man Drama in Iceland!

As Bjork would say ... Greetings, Narlax. Repeat after me, everyone: vörður og vernda hjarta sér. Yeah, that's right. That says "guard and protect her heart" in Icelandic. The Bachelorette Blog is good for one thing if nothing else: cold hard knowledge, people. Now let's all watch Bubble Throat be a man ... be a man for that woman.

• Remember that kids game? Don't step on the floor - the floor is lava. Iceland is where that game is real. The lava is lava.
• You know what's hilarious? When Harrison says "love poem." You all have the worst nervous laughs ever.
• Guess which guy in this crew wears fingerless gloves? Bubble, that's who. Purple ones.
• Extra credit for Icelandic words? Just point them to this blog and it'd be in the bag.
• Either I just blacked out or Chris N actually said words out loud that were captured on film, edited into a piece and then aired on ABC.
• Over/under on number of times Bubble says "heart" on this episode: 51.5. I would count, but it would honestly annoy me too much.
• How far away did Ali run from during her intro to the love poem segment? She rocked a full speech before arriving.
• Body language from everyone involved in this segment: colder than sasquatch balls.
• Hey Chris N, probably shoulda kept that speechless streak going there, duder.
• What episode are we on? How does it always take 5 contestants before someone realizes they should interact with Ali during the competitive bits? Ya know, rather than standing 15 feet away from her and squinting/freezing/forgetting your lines.
• Hey Ali, don't say what I just said about approaching you during competitions.
• Ok, Kirk, you seem to be the only normal dude here. I'm actually kinda curious/interested in how this date goes.
• Same outfit, huh? Well here's to being in the moment. Cuz out of the moment, y'all look goofy.
• Kirk hasn't dated someone for more than a year ... and neither have I. Maybe I'll learn something later in the date the same time Ali does ... besides what I've already learned: don't wear the same outfit on a date that's being taped and televised.
• Group date announcement time. 1) Chris L said "numero uno" when he said Roberto's name first. I see what you did there. 2) Inj vs. Bubble? This is like Kobe vs. Lebron. 1st team all outcast vs. 1st team all (heart) defense.
• Time to bitch about commercials: did the guy doing the voice-over promos for Wipeout win a contestant for most annoying voice?
• I was only half paying attention during Kirk's dinner, but I'm pretty sure it played out exactly like an episode of House. Introduction to character -> explanation of symptoms -> multiple failed attempts at diagnoses and treatments -> turns out it's something ridiculously simple based on the character's environment -> almost instantly cured.
• Bubble's deep-seeded belief in his tattoo didn't even last a full episode. He's already regretting it. Awesome. Way to stick to your guns, Bubble.
• Did anyone notice the throw away line where he said he likes physical pain? Really killing it with those rose choices, Ali.
• If I were a betting man and we could put Ali on a lie detector, I would bet on the fact that Ali is really not having a good time in Iceland. Her face while waiting for the guys holding 5 horses on a glacier ... well the term overjoyed didn't come to mind.
• "First horseback riding, now we're going into a cave. What's next, playing with snakes?" Yep, Chris L, that's what's next. A little snake play. Huge snake population in fugging Iceland!
• Inj vs. Bubble grows even more epic. Now that Inj's crutch walk has been out done with the heart guard tattoo, it's time for him to venture out and do something sneaky. This is why this match up is so crazy. It's not enough that they're the first two guys to actively do things during non-dates to get an edge ... Inj has now done so twice in a season!
• I'm pretty sure throwing away those crutches was a waste. I could be wrong but I'm guessing those things are pretty easily reused by the next injured person. Hopefully Ali's not into recycling.
• Sorry, just had to take a major break. It was taking all I had not to finally dive into the new iPhone software and folder-ize all my $#!*. I feel better.
• Blue lagoon segment ... I'll give it up. Ali did her homework.
• I know this show is now a national treasure and a world wide success, but the group dates at this stage in the season remain a little creepy. Bunch of dudes waiting around to have their time to make out with Ali.
• Frank, you're losing ground, you've got Ali in a bath robe alone and she's clearly suuuuuuuper tipsy. Eyes on the prize, dude. Aaaaaaand you didn't even make a move? Choke city, man.
• We're back in the hot tub and Ali is nothing short of trashed. Good times.
• Better times - Days of Our Lives maintains his vow of silence since the love poem segment. Good call, Chris N.
• Ali is approaching "I'm fine" drunk. That drunk where if you ask the person a simple question or even just let the silence hang for a second, they're sure to blurt out "I'm fine." at least 2 or 3 times in a row. I'm ... I'm fine. I'm fine.
• Commercial commentary: this rookie cop show is gonna suck. If you want to go throwback, check out The Shield or The Wire for a good cop show. Something current - Southland.
• I think Bubble just wished for Ali to say "Kick rocks, dude." Can we talk to Harrison about reversing the entire rose process so she says "kick rocks" to everyone she wants to boot instead of giving out roses to those she wants to keep? "Gentlemen ... Ali ... this is the final rock tonite. Kick it when you're ready."
• There are too many Bubble quotes for me to keep up with. "The wrestler would probably break his other leg to get a rose." And that's worse than getting a tattoo for a rose how?
• "I mean what I say ... and when I say I mean what I say ... well, I'm proving that I would do anything including tattooing my body and go through any amount of pain to find love here with Ali." Except for breaking my leg. That kind of pain is not a good pain. It's a pain that says "kick rocks, Ali. I'm here for me. I'm here to put on a show." Tattoos on the other hand ... totally sensible, level headed, perfect-foundation-for-the-start-of-a-long-healthy-relationship pain. My logic is flawless. I am Bubble Throat.
• More gold sandwiched by the shots of Bubble sitting alone in the snow and coughing pathetically: "I'm just gonna be myself and I'm gonna have fun and I'm gonna do what I do best and that's just be myself and just be who I am." Score it at home. That's 3 "I'm's" and 3 "gonna's" all strung together with 4 "and's" and finished with "be who I am." He's nothing if not well spoken. And he didn't even mention "heart" once.
• The best foreboding in any reality show ever is finally executed. "The only thing Kasey has to do today is be normal." Let's get him to plug the oil leak while we're at it. Topical!!
• Ali's smile after Bubble's explanation of the tat: "I am going to smile and say whatever I need to say to get the hell out of here without being kidnapped."
• You know what people say a lot and really fervently when they're not nervous and very confident with an interaction they just had with a chick? "Exactly!"
• You know how you know you're crazy? When the Bachelorette tells you that you're not getting the rose rather than giving the other guy the rose ... "I'm gonna give Justin the rose."
• This is all just too easy. "I just don't know where I went wrong," says Bubble as a helicopter lifts off with the woman he's meant to be a man for with his arch enemy "The Wrestler."
• Nice job by Injured playing his douche card at the end. "2 roses. 1 to Justin and 1 to Rated R!"
• Onto the cocktail party ... if Ali kisses Frank and then doesn't give him a rose, all time pantheon moves.
• Ali: "Chris N, if I were to ask you one thing that I don't know about you that would surprise me ..." Chris N: "That I have vocal chords."
• Again Kirk nails the behind the scenes comedy: "brunch once a year."
• This just in: Days of Our Lives is a mute AND totally delusional. I've never seen someone more likely to get the boot. Kick rocks, Chris N.
• I was jerked away from ignoring the Harrison / Ali interview by the silence filled with his ridiculous look and ever so slight head nodding while waiting for Ali's response. You're a weird guy, Harrison.
• My money is on the following rock-kicker: Chris N no question. But Craig would be out too if she was booting two. (Fun with homonyms.)
• Aaaaaand the final 2 men without roses confirm my premonition.
• Bingo. And would you believe it? No exit interview. Just a walk to the car.
• Oh wait, he blows his season long word count out of the water in the limo expressing feelings I didn't know a guy who wasn't even on the show could have.
• Did Ali just say "supposably?" Uggggh.

We'll see you in Turkey next week, sports fans. And we find out if it's Roberto or Kirk that has a girlfriend back home. You really know how to pick 'em, Ali.