The Bachelorette Musings: Ali and Man Drama - Episode 4

First things first. Zach reminded me that Bubble Throat has a second great nick name. Wocka as in ... wocka wocka! (Side note: what are the chances!) Onto another 2 hours of men not acting like men ... in New York!

• How early does Harrison wake these guys up? Cuz some of them look like death. There's no way it's earlier than 10am ... which confirms that these guys should be enjoying sleeping in every day, working out and then maybe going on a date or staying home and drinking beer and bbq'ing. What are they doing instead? Taking every chance they can to start shit.
• I just ran back the close up shot of the tattoo knuckle guy working the hair dryer three times. Was I supposed to take something from that? Is this an episode of Lost?
• Wocka's lame double peace sign for the Flip camera reminded me of this. His ideal first date involves horseback riding and a yacht? F this guy. Also I think we should take note of that tattoo count for later.
• Now that he's on the one-on-one date ... Bubble Throat is too good of a nick name. It's just so damn descriptive.
• "I turn around and there's a helicopter blowing on my face. I'm like 'Oh no. Are you serious?'" Yes, Bubble! Yes, we're serious!! It's the fracking Bachelorette! The franchise has averaged 1.78 helicopter rides per episode since the late 90s! You're more likely to go on a helicopter ride than get kicked off the show at this point in the season! Bah, I dislike him so much.
• ... and then he sang. Bubble serenade really might have been the most awkward moment in Bachelorette history. Are you with me, Harrison!?
• Cape Code Chris was right: unicorn love. So accurate.
• Even Frank is beating up on Rated Injured? What a weird universe this show depicts.
• Ali asks "So how is this different from your other relationships?" "Hmmmm, well I'm dating you competition-style against 8 or so other dudes, a date that doesn't involve a helicopter ride is considered "weird," we're alone in a museum at night running around with flash lights, oh and there's TV cameras and lighting everywhere ... what else what else what else? Oh yeah, and you're Ali."
• Bubble Serenade 2: Awkward Boogaloo. Ali actually scores some points with me with her face that says "I'm going to listen to you, but I'm going to try to telepathically tell you that this is horrible and I can hardly keep from forcefully stopping you."
• Onto the group date ... So these guys are tripping over each other running up stairs to get a part in the Lion King musical and the wrestler is the weird one? I don't understand. There is no understanding.
• Just when Bubble's serenades couldn't get any worse, this date actually demands that every dude sing to her. It's like the awkward olympics.
• Unflattering defined: Ali's ass in a Lion King wire work outfit.
• ABC doesn't even get the losers/winners (I'm fine with either description in this scenario) seats in the theater? They're watching it on closed circuit TV? What kind of low Lion King production is this? (Get it? Cuz I should have said 'low rent' but I said 'low Lion King?' Rent? Cuz that's a Broadway play too! HAHAHAHAHAHALOLOLOHAHAHAROFLROFL--not funny.)
• Let's really document history here, Harrison. Tiny Weatherman was just the victim of the first ever rejection to "Can I steal ____ away for a second?" I honestly can't remember such a thing occurring.
• Hey, Tiny Weatherman. What does it mean when Ali chooses Kirk to take her up her room and not you? It means we have a high pressure system moving in from the East and what it's gonna do is it's gonna push out all these gloomy skies we've been seeing right on outta here. And when I say "gloomy skies," I mean the guys on this show that are wound way too tight. And when I say "guys on the show wound too tight," I mean "guys on the show that are also weathermen." Get the hint, dude.
• Tiny Weatherman asks "Where's Bubble?" Anyone check to see if he's crutching his way up Mulholland drive? Call-back!
• Bubble getting a tattoo to make Ali open up to him is as good of an idea as a couple getting pregnant to "save the relationship."
• Hey Bubble, this is you and this is the edge. You're over it. (I spent C-Cubed's entire date working that up and I'm fine with that.)
• Dave wins the Josh Radin joke opportunity with this one: "How great would it be if it was Bare Naked Ladies again?"
• Fine. I'll say it. I'm gonna see Knight and Day ... and there's a very decent chance I'm going to like it a lot. Tom Cruise's insanity makes him better. Does no one else see this?
• Onto the cocktail party ... The open hate for Rated Injured remains impressive.
• "Those roses mean a lot to me. They carry a lot of weight." Really, Ali? Really?
• I tried. I really tried to find something hatable about Kirk. After serious deliberation, I think he might actually be a normal, decent dude.
• I'm serious. Who is this guy? Has he been on the show the whole time?
• Okay, seriously. This tattoo is the biggest mistake ever on this show, right? Imagine Bubble on date #1 with another girl down the line. She asks for the story behind the tattoo. There is no answer that gets him to date #2.
• Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, Frank makes fun of Bubble to his face and he thinks everyone loves the tattoo. GREAT times. Frank (!) is making fun of you, dude. Not good.
• "You're gonna be the tattooed Bachelorette guy for the rest of your life." Cape Cod Chris, everybody!
• The new guy (Chris N. apparently) couldn't even move or react. That's how insane this tattoo is. Worth replaying at home if it's still on your TiVo. PS Are we sure Chris N wasn't taken off the set of Days of Our Lives and inserted on the show mid season?
• Apparently sick Ali likes to show some skin. This is her most revealing dress to date, no?
• Ali's favorite candy is Sour Patch Kids? I have to admit. I didn't see that coming.
• Frank!!!!! What are you doing!!!??!?!?! (You all know what I'm talking about.)
• Holy crap, I just realized Ali's dress isn't a dress. It's some sort of weird back-less one-zee. Her weird cocktail outfit streak lives on!
• I'm still flabbergasted from Frank's interruption. She's not going to see the tattoo before handing out the roses. I am so rooting for Bubble getting a rose now.
• Days of Our Lives gets a rose and I honestly can't remember him interacting with Ali in any way ... or even talking for that matter.
• Inj is in again! (And pushes Tiny Weatherman one step closer to full on melt down.)
• This honestly might be the most I've ever been interested in a final rose.
• YES! This is so amazing! Amazing! She picked the guy with the heart guard tattoo!!! And she doesn't even know!!! Oh this is so great. I just exclaimed multiple times. Dave is a witness. I'm honestly sad that I didn't pause the DVR and tape my reaction. I've never wished for something Bachelor related so much ... all my dreams.
• Forecast for the Tiny Weatherman: partly teary with a 90% chance of self pity and depression.
• Okay, enough of you, Tiny. Let's get back to a season that just totally redeemed itself. Frank is my new hero. Bless you, Frank.
• Oh wait, Ali just said "I thought I'd put you guys on ice and take you to Iceland." Nevermind. Worst season ever.
• No one can say Iceland without me linking to the greatest thing Iceland has ever produced: Kristen Wiig's impression of Bjork.

Next week: the season that went from horrific to one of the best seasons ever in the course of 20 minutes sees if the impossible can become possible. In Ali's words ... "The only thing [Bubble] has to do is be normal." Good luck with that one, Ali!!!!

Amazing!