Episode 1 - I watched with my family in Hawaii. It was fun to actually speak my snark aloud to people in the room for a change. I remember imagining how ridiculous filming all of Ali's lead in package footage must have been, skipping the Harrison/Ali sit down interview and thinking that was a great decision, the wrestler guy (aka Rated Injured) and being annoyed with how the wet driveway destroyed Ali's dress (just like it did Jillian's). But mostly I remember this:
I'm pretty sure Ali spent 50% of the episode holding hands with these dudes in this fashion. Also known as the most awkward way to carry on a conversation imagineable. This trend and her general mood of "freak out!" quickly let me know that the streak of me not liking the main player in a Bachelor/Bachelorette season is running strong.
Looking at this week's upcoming scenes, we seem to be in store for a helicopter ride (shocker), the most incredible sell out ever (by a band I never "got" and now certainly never will) and ... man drama. On that subject, I'm with Ando: "The man drama on The Bachelorette is out of control. And, frankly, a bit shameful. What happened to doing keg stands and eating dog food?"
Onto this week's episode and even more man drama!
- Craig R loves two things: helicopter rides (that he's not on) and deep Vs!
- The audio they pipe through these helicopter head sets is top notch. Kudos to the sound team at ABC. Can we get some more static in the monitors?
- Just when I couldn't hate the tight wire thing any more, Ali resumes the pose (see photo above).
- How many different confessionals did Ali do about this date? Judging from the outfits, I count 4 so far.
- I'm sorry, but I could never be as cheesy as Roberto. I'm out, casting director. I disqualify myself.
- I think as a society, we can stop qualifying the phrase "you surprised me" with "in a good way!" No one has ever said "you surprised me! ... in the most negative way you can possibly imagine."
- Onto the group date ... what's that, Ali? You've got a surprise for us? Is it in a good way? Is the surprise that there's no helicopter ride? Cuz that actually would be a little mind blowing.
- Hey Frank, shut up about the BNL song and its relevancy to the situation you're all in. Seriously do they get a bonus each time their BS comment from confessional makes it onto the show?
- My first chuckle of the episode comes courtesy Tiny Weatherman and his crazy high stress level regarding his role in the video. Big fan of this guy maintaining this freak out.
- Why do all these scenes have lines of dialogue? What kind of weird music video is this? Shouldn't the song be playing over the scene?
- Tiny Weatherman is crying? What the hell is going on with this season? Also, while we're here, worst music video ever, right? Has to be.
- Look I'm not saying I'm looking closely at this, but the cumulative body fat percentage of these dudes is like 17%, right? Cumulative. Here's my guess for the casting call for this season. Wanted: guys who work out constantly, love saying cliches into a camera and are highly suspicious of other dudes' "reasons"
- Onto the roof top ... if I haven't said it already, Tiny Weatherman bugs.
- Can I make a request? Can we have a clock in the lower right corner that shows how long each dude gives the other dude before he plays the "Can I steal Ali away?" card? How informative would that be?
- Roof top hot tubbing? I immediately miss Roslyn.
- Aw, Rated Injured ... no pool time for you. If you were really hard core, you'd bust that cast on the post and Super Fly Snuka into that pool.
- Confirmed. Worst music video ever. Thanks for removing any doubt.
- That security guard that told Rated Injured where Ali lives ... he got fired right? Can you just tell the cast members where she lives?
- Rated Injured just reeled off his second "at the end of the day" of the episode. Please just stop.
- Onto the home date ... no up front license plate on Ali's car ... I'm surprised Santa Monica police didn't drop her a ticket. (That one was for Carolla.)
- Thank goodness for Lakers/Celtics on TV #2 because this date is beyond awkward.
- Make it 3 "end of the day's" for Rated Injured.
- Just so I know ahead of time that I'm going to hell, can someone tell me if Kasey is/was deaf. Cuz if not, I'm calling him Bubble Throat.
- If you're a dude, here's a sign a date is going badly ... girl drops multiple thank you's, I appreciate it's, etc. She's saying that to help her feel better about rejecting you later.
- And I wrote that last bullet BEFORE Ali said "Thank you for being so great." Unreal, Ali. Honestly "Please leave my house now" would have been less embarrassing.
- Kirk says Rated Injured doesn't need to gloat? Incorrect. He's a wrestler. Gloating is literally a job requirement.
- Before it happens, I'll ask ... the dudes hate Rated Injured because they don't think he's in it for the right reasons, right? So how does his walk to Ali's house make them more angry about his intentions? Seems like that's the opposite of the Roslyn-type maneuvers he could be trying to pull which would certainly say "wrong reasons."
- Wipeout. Seriously. Wipeout.
- Back to Injured ... Why does he feel the need to keep his visit a secret? Is it entirely so he can smirk at the camera and make vague references to "one on one" time during convos with the other guys?
- Frank's gonna pop. He's this season's Michelle. He's this season's Hillary.
- Nothing lets people know you're getting pissed like saying "aboot." Probably also isn't helping Injured's wrestling career. (See note above regarding gloating.)
- Good call, Ty. It is like "Mr. Jekyll ... and Hyde." Might want to think those analogies out ahead of time, Ty.
- Direct quote from Ty: "This is my only question ... The person that I see every day walking around this house isn't the same person that she sees." GREAT question, Ty. I had never considered that question.
- Suddenly Injured is looking like this season's Vienna.
- I've already tired of typing "Rated." I look forward to when I shorten it to "Inj."
- I like that Frank looks like he's studying for The Bachelorette written exam at all times. Remember the most common multiple choice answer is C, Frank.
- Roberto: "Justin walked over to her house yesterday ... in crutches." Kasey: "How is that possible?" Did you miss the part about the crutches, Kasey? Not quite sure how else he would have walked over there.
- This whole scene is one of the oddest things ever. I'd like to repeat my argument. How exactly does walking miles on crutches make the dude less in it for Ali? And more importantly what are these chicks' -- er, dudes' deal? How about we stop gossiping and do a keg stand or play some XBox or write a blog about the Bachelorette? Ya know ... something that men actually do?
- Just noticed ... is Ali wearing a tan drape as a dress? Someone check the windows at Ali's house. I nominate Inj.
- Jesse's non-verbal response to Ali's comment about his "jean get up" ... maybe the moment of the season so far.
- Did Ali win a state championship in college? That is a giant f'ing ring.
- Tiny Weatherman is officially the worst. He and Frank should date.
- Booyah. Inj is in! Even though I'm weirded out by him crying alone by the pool, I'm pullin' for Inj.
- PS I understand that Wes paved the way to play the "intentions" card, but here's the difference. Ladies enjoy the Bachelorette. Ladies also enjoy country music. You know what ladies don't like? Entertainment wrestling. I really don't think Injured figured he was gonna score a bunch of fans on the Bachelorette and then they'd all switch over to TNA immediately after. I will say this though. He scored one. He scored one.
Next week, a bunch of dudes' odd obsession with a never-will-be wrestler spans the globe ... on The Bachelorette! And apparently Bubble Throat is a cutter? Weirdest season ever. You don't even need to say it, Harrison.