Monday, May 18, 2009

The Bachelorette Musings - Hot Dog Jillian - Season Premiere

Well ... here goes nothing. It's my BS bullet points against the Sports Gal's tweets. (2,000 followers already!) You be the judge. This should also be interesting cuz I only know what I skimmed regarding the most shocking season in Bachelor history!
  • Jillian, I don't even know you, but 1) you run weird and 2) you drop the cliches with the best of them: "open my heart", "let my walls down", "I don't give an s what he puts on his hot dog." Er. Wait.
  • Just re-read last season's premiere blog. Looks like I was then referring to Jillian as 'Canada.' I think we can do better than that this season.
  • Who had 9 minutes in the breakdancing footage pool? You win.
  • We're 5 dudes in and they're all douches. One of them just said "I'm a catch because I just graduated from law school and I'm an attorney at law."
  • Look, people. If you think Jake is trying to be an average pilot ... well, I mean, you're just dead wrong. He's looking to be an artist pilot ... or a pilot artist. I don't quite get it but he's trying to make art out of flying single prop planes I guess.
  • See, the problem with being named Kiptyn ... is that Google has you by the balls. Case in point. And just in case he deletes it, I screen capped the pig shot.
  • I just spent the entire Harrison interview Googling Kyptin. I assume it was the standard bs: looking for Mr. Right, how did it feel to get owned by Jason, hyperbole hyperbole hyperbole.
  • It's not flying, okay? It's aviation. Only average pilots say flying.
  • First impression by John from Boise in a word: hammered.
  • What are you saying about yourself when you're Brad the financial advisor and your first move is to dust your shoulders off? Dandruff problem? Fan of Jay-Z?
  • Okay, the word of the day is ... cool. Jillian says cool 0.9 times per meet and greet.
  • I like how the spray down of the side walk for dramatic effect has ruined Jillian's dress. I blame you, Harrison.
  • Holy shit. I thought I had ABC on a typo, but apparently not: restaurateur is a word. Are there other words where I can just leave out random letters while maintaining the word's meaning?
  • Jillian, seriously stop saying cool.
  • Kyle, I think I already said it once, but you're a douche.
  • Steve, YOU'RE a douche. I take back everything I said about Kyle.
  • If I ever appear on the Bachelorette and get my own Spanish guitar riff as I emerge from the limo, kill me. My life is complete.
  • Greg, YOOOOOOOOU'RE a douche!!! Kyle and Steve, you've been entirely out-douched.
  • How much would I pay for Harrison to go hyperbolic with the word "douchiest?"
  • Her dress is fully ruined. It's like she's wearing a mop around her feet.
  • There's a developing epidemic on the Bachelor/Bachelorette: the "I don't mean to be rude, but can I steal him/her" move. Is there anything that can be done about this? Should anything be done about this? There may or may not be hours of debate waiting for us.
  • This guy's name is Tanner F? 1) Giggle. 2) Does this mean there's two dudes named Tanner on this show?
  • That's Juan from Santa MONicaaaaaaaaaa!! (This joke was not meant for everyone.)
  • One of the out-douched just drew on Jillian's finger. And she's eating it up. I did not see that coming.
  • Guitar guy kinda makes me miss LeeLee from way back and all her horrificness.
  • Okay, look, I'm a man. I'm 40. Come at me, etc. With all that said, Breakin' 2: Mike from Astoria seems to be a legit cool dude. But actually cool, not the played out cool that Jillian keeps using.
  • The guy with the worst first impression ever knows random ass stats about first impressions? In all seriousness, what are the chances?
  • Speaking of stats, the most insignificant twist in Bachelor history gets an unreasonable response. Your chances dropping from 1/25 to 1/30 does not equate to bombs being dropped.
  • I just realized I am directly in the age range of all these dudes. I just stared at a blinking cursor for 60 seconds here. There are no words.
  • Attention, everyone. I have important news. The other Tanner's last initial is P! Best Bachelorette season ever.
  • Here's what those hamsters jamming out in that Soul car haven't considered: keep up the cruising and all your peers are gonna be in way better shape than you.
  • Trying to look at it objectively, I think being one of the last 5 proved to be decidedly advantageous.
  • Apparently the Sports Guy lied about the Sports Gal's twitter binge.
  • Number of rose ceremony shots of dudes I swear never got out of the limo: 5.
  • Number of guys that received a rose that I swear never got out of the limo: 10.
  • Yes! F and P both make it to next week! F! P!
  • The first time ever where I might have actually needed Chris' help with the rose count. That was a shit load of roses.
  • All 3 of the douches get the axe. Well done, Jillian. I guess Jillian has good douche-dar? Too far? Probably.
  • Man, Steve is a douche. He would have left a better impression if he ripped his shirt off and howled like a coyote.
  • I spent the entire happy portion of "this season on The Bachelorette" looking forward to the moment when the music turned ominous. You're so lovably predictable, Bachelorette.
Summer TV, people. It's pretty good okay.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

The Mrs. Buttersworth Name Contest. It's About Time.

Kevin and Bean recently turned me on to this:

Let me start by saying yes, I'm as excited as you are. Let's just compose ourselves though and look at this rationally, shall we?

1. This is the best URL you could get?

Typically "vanity" URLs like this are meant to be quick and short so that people can type it in from memory. With that in mind, you went with instead of just (which you own)? And on top of that you went with /namecontest instead of just /contest or /name? My curiosity led me to my 2nd point ...

2. This isn't their only active contest.

They have not one, but TWO other active contests. What does this say about their target demographic? Apparently if you love syrup enough to go to a syrup website, you are extremely likely to then want to a) burn calories on stories about a bottle of liquid sugar, b) do arts and flipping crafts on behalf of Mrs. B and c) "guess" the name of a fictitious animated talking female glass bottle with no legs. One of these ridiculous wastes of time just isn't enough to satisfy people that love syrup so much they have to turn to the Internet in between trying to induce themselves into a sugar coma every morning.

3. Win BIG!

What's "BIG!", you ask? Lucky for you, I read the rules.

BIG! = A year's supply of syrup + $500 = 1 case of syrup ($550 value) + $500

In other words, "BIG!" is a grand except it's as though you are required to spend half of your winnings on flipping syrup.

And while we're here, a year's worth of syrup = a case? Isn't that something like 24 bottles? 24 bottles of syrup? In a year? Holy balls, people. Can you imagine the average weight of the people entering this contest if they're taking down 24 bottles of syrup per year? No wonder they have time to enter in 3 syrup contests. They can use their 3 hours per day on the treadmill to "guess" Mrs. B's name.

4. "Guess" Mrs. Butterworth's first name? Honestly.

I did a little more research and found that Mrs. Butterworth was originally created in 1961 and, according to the marketing geniuses that created this contest, she had a name this whole time, but I guess they felt they'd sell more sugar sauce if Mrs. B maintained a certain sense of mystery? And now, I guess, is the time to give everyone what they've been waiting for. Now that she's 48 and well into the cougar era, it's time for Mrs. Butterworth to become ... Tina Butterworth? Jane Butterworth? Esther Butterworth? Charisma Butterworth? Whatever the name is, I know I'll be lining up for more sucrose juice and I'll be telling my kids about 2009, the year that the 48-year old mystery was solved.

5. Read the rules or you might get burned.

Who is entering a contest about naming a cartoon food product and using obscene language? "Dear Mrs. B, Thanks for all your f'ing awesome syrup. Seriously pancakes would be s without your gd complimentary f'ing goodness. S. Seriously, Mrs. B. You're the s. F. Is your first name Gertrude?"

On the off chance I win, anyone know if there's a market for cases of syrup on ebay?

P.S. Is Aunt Jemima / Mrs. Butterworth the first weird combination of two nearly identical products coming out at once? Did the likes of Deep Impact / Armageddon and The Prestige / The Illusionist realize there's always room for 2 of everything based on the ongoing success of two bottles of syrup modeled after motherly females?

Yes, this is what I did with my Sunday evening.