The Bachelor Diaries - The Jason Edition - Season Premiere

So I didn't even think I was going to have time to do this thing. In fact, I thought I had missed the premiere because I hadn't set my DVR. But then it turns out my DVR loves me and had taped it. And then I started the thing while eating dinner. And I wasn't 15 seconds in before I was bitching about Newnan to my roommate Dave. I paused it, ate my dinner and here we are.

You know the drill. Snarky snarky here we go.

• "Are we Greek?" F Newnan. F that girl. "Are we Greek?" No, WE are not. You are, Pappas. P.S. did you hear that Jesse shredded his last gnar all over her face? Yeah, they broke up.
  
• While we're going down memory lane ... You're my boy, Jessie! Gnar! We miss you Big Swayze. So. So. Much. Okay, on with the Jason edition.
• Wow, dude is veiny. Gah.
• "Ty's not gonna be around for the whole thing, but he'll be here for the start. We'll probably send him home before I start sealing all kinds of deals. Chicks love veins."
• How many times in his life has Ty been called "buddy"? I put the over/under at 47 billion.
• Whoever had 2:48 in the pool for the first Harrison hyperbole, you win ... "the most romantic season ever."
• There is no way that any less than 100% of these girls worked out on the day of the first party.
• "I'm a tooth Nazi. Ha ha ha ha." Uh, yeah, okay. Glad one of us is laughing.
• Dominique. It was over before it started.
• Melissa (Cowboy cheerleader) ... uh, nice work, camera 2. Good gravy, don't make it obvious or anything.
• Yes! We have our first drop-dead-obvious nickname: Vision Board! BTW, did you hear that Oprah's fat again? OMG it's crazy times! Right!?!? She was fat once. And then skinny. And now fat again!
• "I handle bitches with a slap," says Naomi. Well, I mean, duh. As if anyone ever handled bitches via some other method.
• I'll give it to Jason for being original. He's somehow both nervous AND excited about the party. Is this guy dynamic or what?
• Yes, drink, ladies. Drink that sweet, sweet champagne. We'll all thank you kindly for it in a few hours.
• Carrie from Kansas is wearing pink eye shadow. There's just no getting around it.
• The salsa dance has me cringing like mad. It's too much. Too much, salsa girl.
• Stacia, the 24 year old mother of 2 from Utah ... no comment.
• Nikki from Chicago ... eyes up here, Jason! Up here!!!
  
• The cringing returns with golfing girl from Michigan. Thanks for that.
• So when a Brazilian girl laughs awkwardly after you tell her you know a little bit of Spanish, that's her way of being too embarrassed to tell you they speak Portuguese in Brazil.
• Wow, I really dislike Dominique. Her puff piece had the 100% opposite effect than I imagine the producers would have hoped.
• And the Tooth Nazi claims the cringe grand prize with the fake teeth. Great work.
• "The most shocking twist in Bachelor history" is apparently upcoming. Breathe it in, people.
• Great moments in local news: "A rocker is helping out a politician ... at 10." I'm not making this up, people! Who could possibly turn away from such a story?
• These ladies are serious. They just did a tequila shot with pops Jason.
• Fun fact, Jason has the same birthday as my boy, Lubs. Thanks for the knowledge, Tooth Nazi.
• Jason, if you and your veins ever want to do anything for me ... boot Dominique. Boot her now. How about the first impression booting? Can we install that as the new shocking twist?
• Anyone wondering how to immediately weird out a dude, here's your answer: "I actually resigned from my job to be here."
• Canada is actually making hot dogs? What is that all aboot? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh I kill me. Good times.
• I will say this with no sense of irony at all. Mustard is exactly the right choice. No one needs Canada to tell them that.
• See what Lauren the teacher did differently from Sharon the teacher? She did NOT quit her teaching job prior to coming on the show. She also wore a leopard print dress that is not exactly cut high. Ya know!? Jerry!!!??!?!?!
• "We got a box. It's a box, we got a box." How much would I have lost it if someone quoted Brad Pitt in Se7en when they presented the box? "What's in the f'ing box!?"
• I'll say it. I like nervous girl from Dallas.
• I'm pretty sure Natalie just asked if Melissa is ready to be a "mendor" to a child. When it comes to mendoring, I have to say I too am unsure if Melissa is qualified.
• "I mean he's 14 months so he's still learning," says Megan the mom. Uh, when exactly do you expect your child to stop learning?
• First impression rose? More like first im-breast-ion rose! Heyo!!!
• Let's give it up for Megan being the first person ever to say "you a-holes" while walking to receive a rose. I really hope this becomes a trend. You must utter a blanket insult to all the other ladies after Jason calls your name at the ceremony. "Erica." "Take that, you hookers!" "Will you accept this rose?" "Of course I will, Jason. Thank you."
• At least one more week of the Tooth Nazi. Get your cringes ready.
• Unemployed lands a rose? Chick is weird beard.
• Drunky who gets engaged and married and divorced on a whim, Dominique (booyah!), Vision Board, 24-year old mother of 2 from Utah and others get the boot.
• Whoever keeps saying "whore" but turning it into a 2-syllable word is my favorite. She's my favorite.
• Oh, Newnan. I look forward to building on our history of hate with your reprisal this season.
• Also, is Jason trying out for a soap opera with his crying on the balcony routine?
• Spoiler alert! The winner has a French manicure!

Pretty good times, y'all. I could have handled a girl pulling her version of the "coyotes" routine from last year, but at least we're rid of Newnan. Oh wait.