Monday, January 12, 2009

The Bachelor Diaries - The Jason Edition - Episode 2

Okay, we're back. It's episode 2 which is where Jason really starts to get to understand how many bad decisions he made. Were there any girls that Jason really shouldn't have gotten rid of? Did he judge some of his 25 possible mates too quickly? Is someone watching Ty?

Who cares!? No time to dilly dally. Episode 2. Go. Now.
  • The recap of the recap features Jason scrubbing down his biceps in the shower. Should I admit to not doing this? Is this an understood staple of shower hygiene? How dirty can one's biceps get that they need specific scrubbing time.
  • Also, I think Ty just winked. Kid's got skills. Or a nervous tick. One or the other. Yeah yeah, I know. I've just been formally invited to 13 Beelzebub Place, Hellburg, Hell, 66666.
  • I'll steal a bit from Adam Carolla when I ask about the vision board ... why do you have to cut the words out of magazines? If you write out the words in your own fancy font, is the board null and void? Is this some strange ploy for Oprah to sell more copies of her magazines?
  • Apparently later ... brace yourselves, people. The claws are gonna come out. Say it ain't so, Harrison!
  • Speaking of Harrison, the dude is rocking a blog that puts mine to shame. Seriously, you must read this.
  • So after the ladies check out the house (and Nervous Texas tries out the bath tub with no water and full clothes), Chris asks "So what did you think of the house?" ... Ladies: "ye-wow-woo-gre-beau-awe-wee-oooo". "Is it gonna work out for ya?" ... "sur-ye-uh-defi-blur-you-dammit-big-time-jlar-yep." I'm pretty sure that's an exact quote.
  • Step 1: hot dog topping test. Step 2: chicken fight in the pool. Step 3: marriage. Just try to deny that logic. It's like ready, set, go. Or uno, dos, tres. Or 29-year-old male, dating reality show, running diary blog.
  • Ok, the default rose girl ... she needs to relax. You got your rose. The girls are threatened by you. Move on.
  • Unnamed blonde girl quizzed Jason on the 3 branches of government? This is what constitutes stimulating conversation? Hey Jason, ready to get crazy? What's the capital of Vermont? No wait. Let's notch it up. A squared + B squared equals what? OMG, we are off the chain, right? This is B-A-N-A-N-A-S bananas! Quizzes!
  • So you girls actually use the hold-the-article-of-clothing-up-against-your-body as an actual way to determine the level of flattery of said article of clothing? What can that possibly accomplish?
  • I'll give it up for Robin Thicke's band. They are feeling it considering they're performing for a raging audience of ... two. People. Two people. Seriously, though, as an audience member what do I do when I represent half of the entire audience? Do I make eye contact with the band members? Do I not? Do I bob my head? Do I need to make sure I split time looking at each band member?
  • I'll say again. Wow, Robin Thicke. You are perFORming for 2 people like no one ever has.
  • Wait. Default pissed off rose girl is a LaCrosse Coach? Is there a profession that could tell someone less about what to expect from someone's personality? Perfume developer? Wig shop owner? Marine Biologist?
  • So, when the Goodyear blimp appears on the Bachelor and becomes the most complicated and expensive magic 8-ball ever, who's paying who? Does Goodyear pay the Bachelor for the exposure? Or does ABC pay Goodyear to stoop to such a low? Or is this some sort of shot across the bow of the Firestone clan?
  • Hey Jason, Seacrest is gonna be pissed when he sees you wearing his t-shirt/vest comboooooooooo. All 4 feet 8 inches of him is gonna go into a little miniature rage all over you. (Oh, c'mon, everbody's doing it. Try it. It's fun.)
  • I'll say this for Nikki, the girl who is coming off an 11-year relationship and has only kissed that dude since she was 17 ... if she takes kissing as seriously as she says ... well, Jason takes kissing ... jokingly ... [cough]-he'skissingeveryone-[cough]-ahem!
  • P.S. I just blew my own mind when I realized I'm the same age as Nikki. Is that how I'm supposed to act as a 29-year-old?
  • Okay, the girl that chatted with Jason after the widower ... the girl who decided to go home to be with her family ... I've never seen that girl before. I'm serious. Who are you?
Woops, my DVR thought that the 8:30-9 block was "Samantha Who?" I'll have to finish this off when they post it online tomorrow. Until then ... kisses are serious business, people. I'm 29. I should know.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand we're back. I believe I signed off just as the cat claws were being extended ...
  • As far as drama goes, this was pretty weak. I did enjoy that what's-her-face declared that she wanted clarification because she "deserved it." Talk about stating the obvious, Megan. You're entitled. You're entitled to ... clarification. Don't you let anyone keep it from you, girl!
  • Jason just used the word "alluded". I'm pretty confident in saying this is a Bachelor/Bachelorette first.
  • Who was the one girl that actually responded to Harrison's "good evening"?
  • Ugh! Megan gets a rose and sorta keeps up the tradition with "stop it right now". I really would have preferred "burn in hell, fatties!" Another week of her projecting general malaise at everyone. Great.
  • I don't think the widower has moved her head yet -- oh wait, she got a rose and then showed us every tendon she has in her neck.
  • In terms of presenting himself to America, Jason seems to be doing a good job of picking all the young cuties while peppering in some single moms and other good "stories". Right? While we're here, I think Ando makes a point that kissing 4 girls in one episode may be a record ... especially this early.
  • Oh. The job quitter bites the dust. That's gotta sting. Hopefully unemployment covers the flight home. Try this on your next job interview: "I quite the Bachelor to come to this interview!"
Next week. Shocker! Default Rose is still pissed. At everyone. Great. Plus, what's that running down the beach? It's your kid, widower! Just the drama I'm looking for in an online dating reality show.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I found your blog trying to google search the infamous Chris Harrison's blog and think your's is high-larious. but dude you def. gotta catch up on your bachelor blog... And as impossible as this sounds it's quite possibly funnier than the show itself (a compliment cause the bachelor is actually the chuck norris of tv)