Sunday, February 8, 2009

The Bachelor Diaries - The Jason Edition - Episode 4

Well here I am after putting in a crap load of hours at work over the last month.  I was ready to do a marathon and get all caught up before I discovered that neither my DVR nor has the week 3 episode available ... so we're jumping straight to week 4.

Let's start off by seeing what I missed.  I'm guessing a combination of kissing and cat claws ... hopefully not at the same time.
  • Nervous Texas had a breast reduction?  I have no idea what that means.  I mean, I understand the effect of the procedure that she took.  But I don't know what that means.  Ya know?  (what I mean?)
  • Woah! Natalie just said that only the big man upstairs is eligible to not be attracted to her?  Wow.  Unrelated note: have you ever heard someone say something not conceited after saying "I don't mean to sound conceited"?  No.  It's the one guarantee that you are about to hear something COMPLETELY conceited.
  • Looks like Stick-Up-Her-Butt girl is maintaining the status quo.  Well done.  I can appreciate consistency.
  • Beyond all that, it looks like I missed some boobie silhouettes.  Shoot.
Aaaaaaand I'm all caught up.
  • So apparently we have a new tradition: the on-the-spot-song.  Great.
  • What's this?  Control freak girl has trouble thinking quickly and potentially embarrassing herself?  Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhocking.
  • By the way, Lauren saying she knows a little about making music ... you could say that (or you could let her MySpace account do the talking for you).
  • Seriously, is there anything likeable about Nikki?  "That 2-on-1 date is like death."  Good times, Nikki.
  • Am I the only one who laughed when Nikki said "I literally want to cry" as the started crying?  Next time, you can just start crying.  We get the picture.
  • Molly was loaned some of Jason's comfy clothes ... which is apparently exactly her style.  Which style is that exactly?  Loaner clothes?  Dude clothes?  Comfy clothes?  You like comfy clothes, Molly?  A recent study revealed that 83% of people prefer clothes that are as rigid, itchy and awkward-fitting as possible.  Weirdo.
  • "First girl in bachelor history to have the walk of shame."  I can appreciate owning up to that.
  • Side note: why didn't Molly get her clothes before going home?  Couldn't swing by the closet on the way from the tent to the car?
  • Wait. I missed out on the Tooth Nazi talking to Jason while crying and vomiting?  How did that scene not make the recap?
  • Man, it would have really been something to hit Nikki with improv singing and improv acting gigs back to back.  Even though I'm looking forward to "death" on the 2-on-1 date, this would have been great too.
  • I'll say it again.  Stick-up-her-butt lacrosse coach is twenty-fracking-five years old?  I can't comprehend.  Can we do some research on her Danny Almonte style?
  • Oh!  Jip.  The "couple of hoo-errs" line is scripted?  I was excited to see that unfold.
  • "Feels like a real Hollywood set" you say, Jason?  Probably because it is an ACTUAL Hollywood set, dude.
  • Nervous Texas says "I think Naomi got to kiss Jason about 11 times in their scene and it got harder and harder and harder ..."  That's what she said ... "to watch."  Oh, you ruined it.
  • Seriously, try to process this.  Nervous Texas and Stick-Up-Her-Butt are the same age.  Not possible.
  • I really appreciate the cut back to the house so that Nikki can start crying about nothing.  It had been about 4 minutes.  The girl has a skill.  She can turn anything into a weepy pity party.  2-on-1 date?  Death.  11 year relationship?  Should be married with a kid by now.  Basket full of kittens?  They'll die some day.  
  • Perfect response to "I only want the rose if you wanna give it to me." ... "I hear you."  I mean, you can't argue with that.  Let's go the judges: 9, 9.5, 10, 9, and an precedented 10 from the German judge.  A near-perfect score in the medal round of Question Dodging.
  • Holy crap.  There's 40 minutes left in this episode?  I'm kinda glad I missed week 3.
  • I actually feel bad for the Tooth Nazi.  Watching a woman totally break down ... not good times.  At least she was keen enough to realize she just got rejected.
  • OMG Nikki is a downer!  I can't imagine that there's even an ounce of fun to be had with this girl.  "Get ready to dance the night away!" ... "yay."  Shoot me in the face.  And I'm just watching her on TV.  Can you imagine dating her?
  • Remember, ladies, if you're looking for a dude that stays in the box, Jason is not your guy.  Don't look at me.  He said it.   Unrelated rant: the metaphorical "box" is more played out than the metaphorical "end of the day".  There is no box any more, people.  The box is gone.  No one is thinking IN the box anymore.  Hence, thinking out of the box has lost all meaning.  Just end it.
  • My mind was just blown.  Apparently dancing (of all things) is a good metaphor for a relationship.  I'm having trouble following along, but apparently in both dancing and relationships ... sometimes you lead ... and sometimes ... you FOLLOW?  Huh?  I think this dance coach is some kind of transcendent mind because I'm usually pretty quick to pick up on stuff like this, but ... leading AND following?  In both dancing AND relationships?  Too clever for me.
  • One thing Nikki has going for her: she can do choreographed dancing!  And all she needs is ... (wait for it) ... weeks or flipping MONTHS to prepare.  Talented AND fun loving?  I just can't get enough of this girl!
  • Nikki takes a whole new angle on desperation.  She pretty much just said that Stephanie should be taken out of the running because she already had a husband.  Dead or not.  A husband is still a husband.  And once you have one, you gotsta move to the back of the line, girlfriend!  How can Jason NOT just propose to this girl right now?
  • In case all my ridiculous conclusions and capital letters haven't made it obvious, re-read my last few posts out loud while applying the most sarcastic tone you could possibly imagine.  Hell, read everything in a super sarcastic tone.  It's more fun that way anyway.
  • You'd think I'd be happy now that Nikki got the boot, but I'm even more angry.  "You should never ever change?"  Yes, you should.  "I loved it.  Every minute of it."  No, you didn't.  Are both of these people taking crazy pills!?
  • This is unreal.  She won't stop.  "I don't know how much smarter I could get or how much prettier I could get?"  A) Yeah, he dumped you because of your lack of intelligence.  If you had just known the answer to 14-across in the Sunday crossword, you'd still be in here.  Next time, I'm sure you'll hit the vocab harder and land your true love!  B) How can you be this conceited whilst being dumped?  You don't know HOW you can get smarter?  Are you actually trying to say you have nothing left to learn?  100% unlikeable.  Nikki.
  • Okay, enough with Nikki.  Back to ripping on Jason.  How is he seriously into Stephanie while also being into chicks like Lauren and Melissa?  I can't imagine more different females.
  • Okay, is Jason the biggest mack (aka man-whore) that The Bachelor has ever known?  Kissing at the end of one-on-one dates used to be a big deal.  This dude makes out with each and every girl at the rose ceremony!  I can't figure out how I feel about this.
  • I don't know what to say about Lauren other than ... her approach to this show is unprecedented ... Don't bother asking, just TELL the dude what to say, think, feel and do.  It's bizarre.  Again, I don't know how to react.
  • Harrison!  Where ya been all episode, buddy?  Maybe your presence could have saved me from spending 90% of this blog ripping on a girl I don't even know.  
  • "Ladies, Jason, in case you have the short term memory of the guy from Memento, in the last 90 seconds, you handed out 2 of the 3 roses you have to hand out ... so this is your last one.  3 minus 2 equals 1.  Got it?  Awesome."
  • How about this ... Jason takes a page from Big Swayze's book and rejects them all  I'll admit it.  I didn't see it coming.
  • All of their departures were unremarkable ... which I guess is remarkable since the Tooth Nazi was primed for a freak out for sure.
Next week, Jason wears the worst tie/shirt combo in Bachelor history.  Yet ANOTHER page stolen from Big Swayze.  How dare he.

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