The Bachelorette Musings: Ali and Roberto Chris Drama - The Finale

Somehow I've done it. I've gone an entire week without knowing what happens on the finale. And I heard this shiz had 12 million viewers? Is that for real? People are actually watching this show to find out what happens and not just laugh at Roberto's out of control sweating? Huh. Who knew.

• So far so good. I have nothing to say after Roberto's entire montage.
• And the same for Chris' montage. It's gonna be a long night. Or a short night. Depending on how you look at it.
• I guess I can't complain about the ab / chest focused establishing shots of Ali in her multiple bikinis.
• Well if anything, the room that Ali's family got should have them buttered up at least a little bit. Holy shit.
• Ali doesn't know the name of the Tampa Bay MLB team? "The Tampa Blue Rays?"
• Wait a minute. Ali and Raya are related? Has the adoption question been asked by one of them.
• Okay. Ali's mom speaking speaking Spanish ... How do you say "I am cringing" in Spanish?
• When you ask for dad's blessing, what you're really hoping to hear is "I don't have a problem with that." That's pretty much the ideal non-negative but certainly not overly positive result.
• In case you've forgotten, Roberto can salsa dance. He can also play baseball, speak Spanish and sweat profusely. That much we know for sure.
• Onto Chris' date ... a little bit breezier, but Dad's poker face remains strong. Looking forward to his response to Chris' question. Will he downgrade to "That wouldn't be the worst thing in the world" or possibly upgrade to "I would not hate it if you married my daughter."
• Ali looks a lot like her mom. A lot.
• Apparently the idea of french toast for dinner is drop dead hilarious in the Ali househould. Really way too much laughing at that concept.
• So Ali's brother ... or brother in law? I can't tell cuz I don't think he's said a word yet.
• Also I really hope that 85% of their conversations revolve around the room they have. They are actually staying in this room. That crap is crazy!
• Quote of the night from Ali's dad so far: "It is huge." No context needed.
• EXACT same response for Chris: "I would have no problem with that." Ali's dad = poker face.
• You know what's more fun than salsa dancing? Swimming off the end of the crazy room they have. Advantage Chris.
• Time for some straight talk from Poker Face. Advantage Roberto. Hands down according to Dad. Wild.
• And Raya straight talks entirely in favor of Chris. Looks like it's gonna be a grudge match all the way to the end. Or at least that's what the producers would like you to think. One or the other.
• Ali just said this and I've always had an issue with anyone who says "likes to have fun." Is there anything that needs to be said less? Are there people out there that DON'T like having fun? Assuming you're into not having fun, wouldn't you then like that and in essence be having fun? Logically speaking, I think not liking to have fun is literally impossible. Oh and Ali and Roberto hung out with sting rays.
• The Roberto night time date hasn't even started and he is sweating like mad. Are there no fans at this Hilton?
• I got you a present. Looks like it's a picture in a frame at first, but it's actually got a second use.
• Well at the end of the Roberto date, it's hard to say anything other than "Advantage Roberto."
• The Chris date is starting and I have to ask ... is something happening right now? What's with the sit down, Ali?
• Oh boy, Ali's at a loss for words. Not good, Chris. Not good.
• This is the most high profile "we're better off as friends" speech ever. Brutal.
• Could she at least mope or cry? She cried her eyes out with Frank and now nothing for Chris? Pretty weak sauce there, Ali.
• I guess props to Ali ... sorta. At least Chris doesn't have to get on one knee and then get pulled up by his hands. That's always the worst.
• So now the real grudge match begins. Chris vs. Kirk vs. Craig R for the next Bachelor.
• Little double rainbow all the way for Chris. Now he feels better. Good. I like Chris.
• One advantage to this change in format: no ring choosing montage. Cuz that's not total BS every time.
• Didn't Roberto get the first impression rose? And now he's got it all wrapped up? What are the chances?
• Son of B! Spoke too soon. Stupid ring montage begins now.
• Did that mother f'er finally tighten his tie!? F you, Roberto. What are the odds he tightens his tie at the wedding? Answer: slim cuz the wedding likely won't happen. It's just a matter of odds, people. The winners bracket: Trista and Ryan. The losers bracket: every other Bachelor/Bachelorette couple ever. Good luck, Ali and Roberto.
• They really shouldn't have made Roberto travel so far after getting dressed up. He spent most of the walk up the stairs wiping sweat from his brow.
• Wow he is really really sweating ... a lot. Brow sweat has moved onto lip sweat. Honestly how hot can it be? It looks like there's cloud cover.
• Nice job with the product spot on the ring box there, Neil Lane.
• Music montage courtesy of the Lion King soundtrack? I miss "On The Wings Of Love" immediately.
• Well it's all down hill from here. I doubt you can afford The Hilton Bora Bora on a minor league baseball salary. Congratulations to the happy couple ... for at least the next 4 months or so!

Well it's been real. It's been fun. It hasn't been real fun. Another finale that doesn't outdo the Big Swayze finale. But things are looking up. Bachelor Pad tomorrow, yow!!

The Bachelor Diaries - The Jason Edition - Episode 5

After a 10 minute break to collect myself and realize I'm going to Hell for not saying a single nice think about Nikki, I'm back.  Who's up for casual making out ... now with Ty sleeping in the next room?  Bonus!

• Nervous Texas keeps all her roses in a zip lock baggy?  I'm not only NOT weirded out by this, but I'm amazed it took this many seasons to see it.  Every chick on the show ever has done this, right?
• I'm 14 minutes in and this is all I've got.  It's the most boring episode of The Bachelor ever!
• When Nervous Texas asked if she could bring her stretchy pants, I couldn't help but think of this.  
• Never before have 4 girls been jealous of a girl who drove herself to a dude's house, did the dishes and then sat on the couch waiting.
• I think Stephanie is wearing a white fur vest hoodie ... for those times when your arms are warm, your chest is cold, and you know you won't be coming in contact with any PETA types.
• A blind kissing test?  We've reached new heights in casual kissing for The Bachelor.  
• And then he nails the test?  As a woman, are you happy or pissed that he knows your kiss and 2 other woman's kisses that well?
• They're openly (and amicably) discussing their jealousies of the other girls?  It's weirding me out.  Apparently Nikki took all the cat claws with her when she left the show.
• Jillian really says "aboot".  I'm having a hard time speculating how I'd feel about being face to face with the #1 go-to Canadian dialect cliche.
• When Jason asks "if we go to your hometown, who would I meet?" ... I mean, you're in, right.  He may as well have just given you a rose, no?
• Did Naomi the flight attendant from Carlsbad, CA just pull out "un poquito"?  
• I really should have an "amazing" count going with Jason.  He's picked up on The Bachelor tradition.  
• Wow, Naomi really liked her date.  Single-prop planes and rock walls are the key to Naomi's heart.  Either that or she's so desperate for a 1-on-1 date that she would have taken a trip to Taco Bell and reruns of Carpoolers.
• This season is suddenly from the twilight zone.  Four of the ladies are sitting in the bathroom drinking beer and (again) amicably discussing all of their pros and cons when it comes to landing Jason.  I bet the producers are pissed.
• I'm glad that Jill and Jason got scones and lattes prior to just chatting and making out the entire time.
• Seriously, what is with that shirt/tie, Jason?  It looks like "Pink Elephants on Parade" ... except more psychadelic.
• Okay, I'll say it.  I will happily date Jill, Melissa or Molly if Jason guns them down.  Am I wrong or are they all generally the bee's knees?  See?  This season just turned crazy.  I'm talking about how much I LIKE the girls ... 3 of them!
• Seriously, they're cheering each other on DURING the rose ceremony!  Up is down.  Down is up.  This season on The Bachelor: Anarchy Reigns!
• Since I'm bored, have you heard Christian Bale's freak out?  And the remix that followed?  Masterpieces both, says I.
• Awwwww, sorry, Steph.  You got the boot.  But hey at least he got your hopes up by saying yours was the best date he went on!  Misdirection FTW!
• Okay, even I'll give it up.  The chick is amazing ... if only for genuinely saying thank you to the most ridiculous compliment-while-being-dumped ever: "You're the most amazing person I've ever met."  Yeah, clearly, Jason.
• Please!  Someone at least mention the shirt/tie.  It's like the circus puked all over his chest, right?
• It's official, Stephanie the Medical Marketing Manager from Huntsville, AL, you have the best outlook on life ever.  You are ... the anti-Nikki.

Wow, next week (and by next week I mean tomorrow) is looking up.  Thank you, Naomi's crazy mom and her dead dove that is in need of a wake.

P.S. This is officially the bizarro-season.  The outtro just showed two of the girls re-enacting the Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene.  There are no cat claws, the girls cheer each other on, and the girl that got the boot just left with more dignity than she came in with!  What is going on!?

The Bachelor Diaries - The Jason Edition - Episode 4

Well here I am after putting in a crap load of hours at work over the last month.  I was ready to do a marathon and get all caught up before I discovered that neither my DVR nor ABC.com has the week 3 episode available ... so we're jumping straight to week 4.

Let's start off by seeing what I missed.  I'm guessing a combination of kissing and cat claws ... hopefully not at the same time.

• Nervous Texas had a breast reduction?  I have no idea what that means.  I mean, I understand the effect of the procedure that she took.  But I don't know what that means.  Ya know?  (what I mean?)
• Woah! Natalie just said that only the big man upstairs is eligible to not be attracted to her?  Wow.  Unrelated note: have you ever heard someone say something not conceited after saying "I don't mean to sound conceited"?  No.  It's the one guarantee that you are about to hear something COMPLETELY conceited.
• Looks like Stick-Up-Her-Butt girl is maintaining the status quo.  Well done.  I can appreciate consistency.
• Beyond all that, it looks like I missed some boobie silhouettes.  Shoot.

Aaaaaaand I'm all caught up.

• So apparently we have a new tradition: the on-the-spot-song.  Great.
• What's this?  Control freak girl has trouble thinking quickly and potentially embarrassing herself?  Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhocking.
• By the way, Lauren saying she knows a little about making music ... you could say that (or you could let her MySpace account do the talking for you).
• Seriously, is there anything likeable about Nikki?  "That 2-on-1 date is like death."  Good times, Nikki.
• Am I the only one who laughed when Nikki said "I literally want to cry" as the started crying?  Next time, you can just start crying.  We get the picture.
• Molly was loaned some of Jason's comfy clothes ... which is apparently exactly her style.  Which style is that exactly?  Loaner clothes?  Dude clothes?  Comfy clothes?  You like comfy clothes, Molly?  A recent study revealed that 83% of people prefer clothes that are as rigid, itchy and awkward-fitting as possible.  Weirdo.
• "First girl in bachelor history to have the walk of shame."  I can appreciate owning up to that.
• Side note: why didn't Molly get her clothes before going home?  Couldn't swing by the closet on the way from the tent to the car?
• Wait. I missed out on the Tooth Nazi talking to Jason while crying and vomiting?  How did that scene not make the recap?
• Man, it would have really been something to hit Nikki with improv singing and improv acting gigs back to back.  Even though I'm looking forward to "death" on the 2-on-1 date, this would have been great too.
• I'll say it again.  Stick-up-her-butt lacrosse coach is twenty-fracking-five years old?  I can't comprehend.  Can we do some research on her Danny Almonte style?
• Oh!  Jip.  The "couple of hoo-errs" line is scripted?  I was excited to see that unfold.
• "Feels like a real Hollywood set" you say, Jason?  Probably because it is an ACTUAL Hollywood set, dude.
• Nervous Texas says "I think Naomi got to kiss Jason about 11 times in their scene and it got harder and harder and harder ..."  That's what she said ... "to watch."  Oh, you ruined it.
• Seriously, try to process this.  Nervous Texas and Stick-Up-Her-Butt are the same age.  Not possible.
• I really appreciate the cut back to the house so that Nikki can start crying about nothing.  It had been about 4 minutes.  The girl has a skill.  She can turn anything into a weepy pity party.  2-on-1 date?  Death.  11 year relationship?  Should be married with a kid by now.  Basket full of kittens?  They'll die some day.  
• Perfect response to "I only want the rose if you wanna give it to me." ... "I hear you."  I mean, you can't argue with that.  Let's go the judges: 9, 9.5, 10, 9, and an precedented 10 from the German judge.  A near-perfect score in the medal round of Question Dodging.
• Holy crap.  There's 40 minutes left in this episode?  I'm kinda glad I missed week 3.
• I actually feel bad for the Tooth Nazi.  Watching a woman totally break down ... not good times.  At least she was keen enough to realize she just got rejected.
• OMG Nikki is a downer!  I can't imagine that there's even an ounce of fun to be had with this girl.  "Get ready to dance the night away!" ... "yay."  Shoot me in the face.  And I'm just watching her on TV.  Can you imagine dating her?
• Remember, ladies, if you're looking for a dude that stays in the box, Jason is not your guy.  Don't look at me.  He said it.   Unrelated rant: the metaphorical "box" is more played out than the metaphorical "end of the day".  There is no box any more, people.  The box is gone.  No one is thinking IN the box anymore.  Hence, thinking out of the box has lost all meaning.  Just end it.
• My mind was just blown.  Apparently dancing (of all things) is a good metaphor for a relationship.  I'm having trouble following along, but apparently in both dancing and relationships ... sometimes you lead ... and sometimes ... you FOLLOW?  Huh?  I think this dance coach is some kind of transcendent mind because I'm usually pretty quick to pick up on stuff like this, but ... leading AND following?  In both dancing AND relationships?  Too clever for me.
• One thing Nikki has going for her: she can do choreographed dancing!  And all she needs is ... (wait for it) ... weeks or flipping MONTHS to prepare.  Talented AND fun loving?  I just can't get enough of this girl!
• Nikki takes a whole new angle on desperation.  She pretty much just said that Stephanie should be taken out of the running because she already had a husband.  Dead or not.  A husband is still a husband.  And once you have one, you gotsta move to the back of the line, girlfriend!  How can Jason NOT just propose to this girl right now?
• In case all my ridiculous conclusions and capital letters haven't made it obvious, re-read my last few posts out loud while applying the most sarcastic tone you could possibly imagine.  Hell, read everything in a super sarcastic tone.  It's more fun that way anyway.
• You'd think I'd be happy now that Nikki got the boot, but I'm even more angry.  "You should never ever change?"  Yes, you should.  "I loved it.  Every minute of it."  No, you didn't.  Are both of these people taking crazy pills!?
• This is unreal.  She won't stop.  "I don't know how much smarter I could get or how much prettier I could get?"  A) Yeah, he dumped you because of your lack of intelligence.  If you had just known the answer to 14-across in the Sunday crossword, you'd still be in here.  Next time, I'm sure you'll hit the vocab harder and land your true love!  B) How can you be this conceited whilst being dumped?  You don't know HOW you can get smarter?  Are you actually trying to say you have nothing left to learn?  100% unlikeable.  Nikki.
• Okay, enough with Nikki.  Back to ripping on Jason.  How is he seriously into Stephanie while also being into chicks like Lauren and Melissa?  I can't imagine more different females.
• Okay, is Jason the biggest mack (aka man-whore) that The Bachelor has ever known?  Kissing at the end of one-on-one dates used to be a big deal.  This dude makes out with each and every girl at the rose ceremony!  I can't figure out how I feel about this.
• I don't know what to say about Lauren other than ... her approach to this show is unprecedented ... Don't bother asking, just TELL the dude what to say, think, feel and do.  It's bizarre.  Again, I don't know how to react.
• Harrison!  Where ya been all episode, buddy?  Maybe your presence could have saved me from spending 90% of this blog ripping on a girl I don't even know.  
• "Ladies, Jason, in case you have the short term memory of the guy from Memento, in the last 90 seconds, you handed out 2 of the 3 roses you have to hand out ... so this is your last one.  3 minus 2 equals 1.  Got it?  Awesome."
• How about this ... Jason takes a page from Big Swayze's book and rejects them all  I'll admit it.  I didn't see it coming.
• All of their departures were unremarkable ... which I guess is remarkable since the Tooth Nazi was primed for a freak out for sure.

Next week, Jason wears the worst tie/shirt combo in Bachelor history.  Yet ANOTHER page stolen from Big Swayze.  How dare he.

The Bachelorette Musings, The Finale and After the Final Rose

Well, I'm nearly 29 and this is my Monday night. I'm prepared to watch 3 f'ing hours of DeAnna, Jesse and Jason. Son of a b. Sorry to use harsh ... letters, but I mean ... with nights like this ... can't wait for 30! You know what they say? 30 is the new 20 (year old sorority girl). Oh me oh my I am lacking in masculinity ... OKAY onto the show!

• So we start with a recap which featured Jason saying "I never expected to meet someone like DeAnna." Right. You expected to meet DeAnna exactly ... which you did. Don't they know who the b'lette is when they submit their app? No?
• Holy crap, we're actually in Newnan. Nnnnnnnnnewnan!
• So DeAnna's sister ... uh ... she looks ... not like DeAnna.
• Why is Newnan sitting on the couch with her feet just barely hovering off the ground? Is she that tiny or did they buy their couch from the mad hatter?
• Ah, the Pappas' reminiscing about Big Swayze ... good times.
• Jason, in reflecting about Newnan, says "my feelings grow 100% probably every day." Probably. Some days it's only 87%. Other days 120%. But it probably averages out to 100 so we're cool.
• Does Mr. Pappas rock a cane? Or is he just going to beat Jason with it if he pulls a Big Swayze?
• OH! It wasn't a cane, it was a golf club ... that he uses in his front yard. Work on that short game, Big Pappas.
• Big Pappas says Jason is "a gem of a guy." He went on to say that Jason is outrageous, truly truly truly outrageous.
• Onto Jesse's in-house session and he's getting grilled compared to Jason. Apparently being a snowboarder is much much worse than being a divorced single dad. I'm not saying either is worse than the other. I'm just saying take it easy on my boy Jesse. Equal opportunity grilling, please.
  
• Big Pappas says "I have a nephew that's 6'5" 300 lbs. and we'll come hunt you down." Jesse's response: "Nice." Honestly what else CAN you say to something like that? You're my boy, Jesse!
• Oh no! Jesse didn't ask the permission. Safe to say he didn't kill it. Didn't kill it.
• Hyperbole is back! Harrison says "it's the most awkward family visit ever." Good times.
• Wow, so I don't think I heard her right but apparently the extended family visits involves meeting Zhahj, Yaya, Papoo and Uncle Blue Tarp. Or Clutark. Or Flulark. And of course Tina. There's always a Tina.
• So Jesse shows up and then Jason shows up and we basically have this on our hands.
• Just what this season needed ... another big ladle full of awkward sauce. Jason, DeAnna and Jesse on the same couch in front of Yaya and Papoo and Tina. Drink it in, everyone. It's probably our last helping.
• Jesse shows Yaya and Papoo how to "blow it up". Good times. Later he shows them how to huck a rodeo hambone steal grind! There was one casualty, but trust me, it was worth it ... and rad.
• Yaya chooses Jason?! What the gd? He didn't show you how to blow it up!
• Well at least Jesse is killin' it with the sister and sis-in-law while Yaya and Papoo are fawning over Jason. Killed it with the sisters!
  
• Wow, let's hear it for the music director. As Jesse asks for Big Pappas' blessing, there is a dramatic crescendo, a pause and then a laid back acoustic guitar jam as Pappas grants his blessing. Listen closely, everyone. Those smooth acoustic notes are telling you everything's gonna be okay.
• And then Jesse and Big Pappas nug! AND blow it up! Oh man, he killed it! Killed it! You're my boy, Jesse! Eat that, Yaya!
• DeAnna, really? You really want this guy? Really?
• Yaya goes nugs with Jesse again? Don't do it, Jesse. She's disloyal. She's a traitor to the code of the nugs.
• Well, looks like the sisters are traitors too. They're all up on Jason despite Jesse killin' it with both of them. Not lookin' good for my boy.
• So Jeremy comes back. Looks like that previous helping of awkward wasn't our last. We get a big awkward double fudge sundae with awkward sauce sprinkled with awkward cherries! And two awkward spoons!
• Once again Jeremy and DeAnna are the most boring couple ever. I'm fast forwarding. She's rejecting him yet again. Nice work, Newnan.
• Okay, the 2-hour format is not helping here. Jesse and DeAnna get their own island. Jesse gives DeAnna a memory book. Jesse READS her the book out loud. We get it. It's great. It's wonderful. They like each other a lot.
• Just noticed they changed the bachelorette logo so that the "O" is a diamond ring. Nice touch, ABC.
• Jason and Newnan go scuba diving with sharks on their date. Get it? It's a metaphor for their whole relationship. The ocean is the format of the show: very difficult to navigate without mouthfuls of awkward salt water. The sharks are the other bachelors, specifically Greg the Coyotes guy. And the self contained underwater breathing apparatus is Chris Harrison: necessary to the show, but annoying and tough to get used to. Nah! I'm just kidding, Harrison. Lova ya, buddy!
• And then this dude makes DeAnna a flipping board game. Let me guess what it's called. CandyLAME! No, wait. Chutes and LAMERS! No no no. SORRY, I'm a Tool. Stretch on the last one? Okay.
  
• So the dudes pick out their respective rings and I get how it's special and all ... I guess. But honestly, is there a ring that one guy could pick out that would cause DeAnna to say "Hmmm, you know what? Nah. I can't be with a guy that picks that ugly giant diamond." What's that? I'm totally insensitive? Dang it.
• Also, Jesse has cut off a chunk of his hair since the start, no?
• While we're here, Jesse is rocking some emotions. Near hurling at the ring choosing and crying in the confessional. We've come a long way from the 3-step hand shake at the start.
  
• Well, Jason is the first out of the limo. The show's history tells us this is typically a bad sign for Jason and a gnarly/rad sign for Jesse. Jason is also wearing an orange tie.
  
• Man, DeAnna is cold as ICE! Jason drops to a knee and before he can even say a word, she says "no". Big Swayze taught her well.
• Can't believe Jesse killed it! He killed it! Check my quote from this entry: "Do you think Newnan knows what it means to 'shred the gnar'? Me neither." I sit corrected, Newnan. I sit corrected.
• Also this proves that being first out of the limo means doom on all incarnations of this show.
• What the hell is up with the switching of sides after the rejection? It's happened before and it happened just now. Newnan lines up on the right for the rejection and lines up on the left for Jesse. Bizarre, I say.
• Well, Newnan does NOT pull a Big Swayze and she accepts the MADE coach's proposal. Killed it.
• You know, the music montage was cheeseball, but I remember that it's not as bad as all that monkey talk during the last finale we saw.
• Nugs, Jesse. Blow it up. Can't believe I watched the whole damn season. F.

Onto The Bachelorette: After the Final Rose. I mean, why the hell not? Right?

• There seem to be quite a few more dudes in tonight's audience.
• DeAnna and Jason chat and it all actually seems to conclude pretty dang well. Good work, all.
• We're 25 minutes in on my 3rd bullet point. Clearly this is some gripping TV.
• Well if it isn't Matt and Shane (aka Monkey) ... and Lamas is wearing a giant ass belt. I've seen some belts in my day, but wow. That is an undercarriage for the ages.
• Man, that Matt/Lamas season really blew. This montage can't end fast enough. F it. I'm fast-forwarding. I can't handle it.
• I guess we should speculate on the "surprise" announcement ... I'll be obvious and say preggers? I mean, that'd be something. But it's probably something lame like "we're moving to Denver!" or "DeAnna bought a snowboard!"
  
• One entire (ly non-gripping) segment later and we get the announcement. They set a date. Let's all say it: fannnnnnnnnntastic.

Well, that last hour brought the show to a screeching halt. And then dragged out that screech for another hour. Shoot me in the face. "Hi, I'm ABC and we have ZERO summer programming." Nice to meet you, ABC. Good luck filling your Mondays now!

P.S. Hi, Big Swayze. You're still awesome.

And finally, shamelessly, click on any of these little links below if you're so inclined. It'll maybe get a few new readers to the bloggy here. Onwards and upwards, ya know?

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The Bachelorette Musings, The Overnight Dates and The Men Tell All

Before I settle in for another 2 hours of Newnan, I gotta say there's something mighty satisfying about drumming on rock band. Probably not as satisfying as actual drumming, though. Might have to look into that.

I'm gonna guess before we get going that Jason gets the boot tonight. With that said, here goes:

• I've spent the first 10 minutes of the episode firing up the computer and writing what's above while Jeremy and Newnan do their thing. Read: another boring date for DeAnna and Jeremy.
• Who hopes the turtle makes a cameo? Me, that's who.
  
• As this boring date continues on to dinner, remember Cameo? That guy was great. What IS the word, Cameo, so word up.
• Jiggins, the awkwardness of this show is back. Just keep asking each other "are you nervous?" That'll make things more comfy. For all of us.
• I think Jeremy just said "Shall I read it?" unironically. Who says shall? Then again, who says forego? Chris Harrison, that's who!
• Looks like the individual rooms have been forgotten? Foregone? Foregoing? Foregiggidy? Foregonzor.
  
• As with every season, I would kill for a look at the camera and a wink during that awkward moment when the dude (Jeremy in this case) gets up to close the hotel room door on the camera men.
• Onto Jason's date ... Newnan is hippy. Hips.
• When did Jason turn into the goofiest dude alive? Tone it down, Ty's dad.
• You know what? I've been to the Amazon. They're actually kinda right about the looks of this pond type thing they're on.
• Ah, the kayak kiss. Almost as romantic as this.
• Jason and Newnan's dinner isn't as awkward as it is super gigantic cheesy puff ball. Jeez.
• Jason, I'd like to personally thank you for actually acting like you know what's on the card.
• Here's a question. Is it the same room as the one she and Jeremy had? If so, why does that feel kinda gross to me?
• Uh oh, big musical crescendo for Jason's "opening up session" with DeAnna. Jesse, don't f up. The pressure's on, dude.
  
• Word to the wise: if you want to be entertained, watch Wipeout on ABC on Tuesdays! ABC, feel free to drop me a check whenever.
• You're my boy, Jesse! Kid is gonna huck a Bahama barn rodeo with snag lift pull!!!
• Wow, those horses are not afraid of the water. Steve could learn a lot from them.
• Am I wrong or is Jesse and DeAnna's date the most normal, natural and non-awkward date of them all?
• For you kids following along at home, Breck = Breckenridge aka Jesse's home aka the shreddiest place on earth!
• "I definitely don't put on boots and go shred every day?" Say it ain't so, Jesse. Say it ain't so.
• Look, I have to say it. Jesse's killin' it. Killin' it.
• Man, DeAnna is itching for that fantasy suite. She's said she's dying to get there twice now.
• Jesse and the fantasy suite fake out ... what can I say? He's my boy. Jesse's my boy. I've said it before. I'll likely say it again.
• Killed it.
• "If you'd like to nominate the next Bachelor or Bachelorette or if you'd like to chit chat with Chris, call 866-739-3150. He's lonely and he only knows how to recite his bachelor lines at this point so don't expect deep conversation. It's pretty much like talking to one of those dolls with the strings in their back."
  
• Onto the rose ceremony ... and Newnan has a giant bow on her dress. It's like she's the present to 2 of the 3 dudes with untucked shirts. When in Rome, boys. Well done.
• Jesse gets the first pick two days in a row! Stoked. To harken back to the earlier episodes ... dare I say front runner?
• Wow, Jeremy gets the boot. Color me surprised.
• Later, Jeremy. It's been boring ... and awkward. And not fun. And boring.
• Oh wait, the awkwardness isn't over. She has to walk him out.
  
• Cliche cliche cliche. Open up. Connection. Luckiest girl in the world. Meant everything I said. And he's gone.
  
• Nice. The somber guitar song is back.
• Can't believe we're back to the most awkward toast again. Jesse, Jason and Newnan. Soak in the awkward, everyone.
  
• Oh wait, Jeremy's shirt wasn't untucked. That's probably why he didn't get picked. Walk it out, dude.
• Onto the men tell all. Notice that it's the men tell all and not the dudes tell all. I'm ready for some whining and complaining and cat fighting not natural to any dudes.
• How have I forgotten that her last name is Pappas? As in Angelo Pappas. Her and Big Swayze would have been something.
• Holy crap, they brought back Greg the "coyotes" guy. Need a refresher?
  
• Fred, Graham and Jeremy get some big cheers from the 99.7% female crowd. The opening Chris Harrison monologue reveals 3 men in a shot showing 36 people. Higher than I would have expected.
  
• Speaking of Graham, check out this BS. And remember ... "46 is not a charity, but rather a brand that enables children's charities." Got it? Got it.
• Survey says ... the ladies like Rick Nye Science Guy. Giggles giggles.
• "What night did you figure out what you were doing, Twilley?" Ice COLD, Harrison.
• I'm glad Ryan the crazy football player aka most likeable 8th grader is back. That dude is a special kind of nuts. And has cat claws like no other.
• Harrison actually makes me laugh when he says "I like guys that can high five after calling each other a d-bag." He also actually said d-bag. Nice work, Harrison.
• Also, that montage of Twilley hating on Jeremy, Jeremy hating on Twilley reminds me of something. Even though reality TV and the idea of confessionals has been around for over a decade now, as a species it seems we still haven't figured out that what we say in the confessional is being recorded and will be played back for the whole country later.
  
• One thing I never want to hear in my life: "Come on up here and join me in the hot seat, Luke." Ever.
• Kudos to the producers for trying to get a shot of a girl that looked sorta like she was crying during Jeremy's sob story, but that chick was not crying. Good effort though.
• So basically Jeremy today is DeAnna from Big Swayze's season. Feel free to use the word "confused" as often as you'd like when Newnan makes her appearance, Jeremy.
• Bringing Graham onto the hot seat ... Jimmy Kimmel? Oprah? Ellen? I don't get it.
• DeAnna's in the hot seat now and there's a "lotta respect in the house tonight." Whatever that means. Harrison is in rare form tonight.
• Man! There is some passive aggressive stuff going down between Newnan and Graham right now. And I love all the muffled giggles from the females in the audience.
• They get an awesome shot of two dudes chuckling big time at one of Harrison's jokes. I'm a giant hypocrite, right? Right.
• So when Newnan scrunches her mouth to one side. Is that cute or not? I can't decide.
• Here comes Ryan piping up about something. Cat claws are out of control. "OCD. Obsessive compulsive DeAnna like my man Jeremy." We should put this guy on as a contestant on the next Bachelor.
• Somehow Graham works in another passive aggressive "I'm sorry." Good job.
• The bloopers montage was gold. And Harrison is knocking it out of the park this episode. Regarding Shawn's mullet: "Business in the front. Party in the back." Regarding Shawn's karate: "Do you think he actually trained in the Cobra Cai dojo?" Gold, Harrison.
• If Greg started running in my direction after ripping his shirt off, I'd be off the set as soon as possible. I do NOT want to hear the coyotes.

Well, that was another interesting and slightly painful 2 hours. Can't believe I'm not only still watching this show, but have a legitimate rooting interest in the finale. And I really have no idea who DeAnna is going to pick. The super smiley guy with the kid. Or the dude that can huck a rodeo at the drop of a hat. Another 2 hours and I guess we'll know. Harrison: "the most dramatic finale ever." There ya go, I guess.

P.S! Fred lands a date!!! Fred is awesome.

And finally, shamelessly, click on any of these little links below if you're so inclined. It'll maybe get a few new readers to the bloggy here. Onwards and upwards, ya know?

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The Bachelorette Musings, DeAnna Meets the Families

Sup. Yes, I'm back. I figured I've come this far. Let the gradual erosion of my man card continue!

This week DeAnna will head home to meet the dudes' families. Some seem to call them the hometown dates. But not so fast! ABC has 2 hours to fill so they do a longish recap of each of the remaining dudes. Again with the 2 hours, ABC? I know it's summer and all, but there's something to be said for good, concise television.

• My one note from the recap - Jesse gave DeAnna the 3-step hand shake when he first met her. Now that's a dude right there.
• We're in Breckenridge! Gnarrrrrrrrrr! That jump was EPIC!!!!! Jesse's killin' it! Shred the gnar! Epic curl grind hip switch nut bolt! EPIC!!!!!
  
• Jesse actually said "DeAnna killed it." in the confessional. I love this guy. You're my boy, Jesse!
• He should kiss her while hucking a switch 520 fishbone. Ya knowwwwww!? Jerry!?!
  
• Newnan and Jesse just had a really long conversation. I didn't hear a word of it. I think they both said "big deal". Snooze fest. Get out there and shred the backbone split switch foot!!!!!
• The dude ends the segment by giving a piggy back ride while shredding. He killed it. He killed that piggy back ride!!! EPIC!!!
• Okay I'm done.
• Jesse says he hasn't kissed Newnan yet becuase he wants to build a strong foundationship to their relationship. Or something like that. I like rhyming.
  
• I'll say it. Jesse's house is very appealing to me. Lots of giant TVs. Lots of movies and such. Clean as hell. You're my boy, Jesse!
• Hey Jesse and Dad, stop talking about palm sweat. You're on TV.
• Bolo ties. Jesse's dad is gonna bring 'em back. Just look at how awesome that thing is.
  
• I like carriage rides cuz they give me a chance to sing the Beefarino jingle. I'm really keen-o on Beefarino. What a delicious cuisine-o. What? No Seinfeld fans?
• Jesse finally kisses Newnan. Dare I say ... killed it? Killed it.
• Onto what's his name's date. I honestly can't think of his name right now. Jeremy! That's it.
  
• Cool dog, dude. You're still a douche.
• Ugh. We're watching them look at pictures. Could this be more boring? (Yes, sometimes I morph into Chandler Bing. And yes, that's two 90s NBC comedy references in one bach blog.)
• I just fast-forwarded through the rest of their couch time. And even that took forever.
• Back from commercial ... and they're STILL on the couch talking. Enough!
• Finally the family arrives and saves me. Wait. Nevermind, I'm still super bored. This is the boring life you're in for, Newnan ... if you pick Jeremy.
• So, uh, like, Jeremy's bros didn't go with Jeremy on the day he got his gym membership or what? Or is he adopted? Is that what I missed when I fast forwarded?
  
• The 3 bros are talking and the physical difference among the 3 of them is all I can think about. I can see how the 2 bros look identical. But Jeremy is not even close to looking like them. Weird beard.
• Okay, there was a great moment as Newnan and the bros start talking. Crazy awkward moment as they all try to figure out where to sit. Roll it back if you can. One bro sits, stands, then sits again, then almost stands again ... but then settles in.
• Even I'm uncomfortable with how close the bros are sitting. You guys ever heard of a buffer?
• Did Newnan just say sweaty palms too? What the hell?
• This date is in Texas, right? That must be why Newnan is turning ON the southern accent. Ease back there, McConaughey.
• On to Jason's date.
• DeAnna, WTF. You don't know what the space needle is?
• Ok, seriously, really, DeAnna? Really? Space needle on a crappy Seattle day? Most beautiful view ever? Really? I can clearly see it's windy as all hell too. I don't appreciate non-ironic hyperbole, Newnan. I do not.
• The Jason/Ty reunion is too much.
• Side question: golf ball? Huh? Notice that Ty is not calling it the best gift ever.
  
• I have nothing funny to say about Jason's family. They all seem very nice and reasonable. And they don't have cat claws unlike Jeremy's bros.
• Wait, I spoke too soon ... the opa! circle and leap frog session just went down.
• I watch this during most of DeAnna and Dad's convo. Much more entertaining.
• And we're in Raleigh for Graham's date. We really could have done this in 1 hour instead of 2, ABC.
• Wait. Can I go somewhere to buy a high school basketball jersey from my high school? Will mine have a GIANT American flag on it? Go Firebirds!  And go America, too.
• Graham had his stupid hat in his back pocket this whole time? What is with that hat? Is there a story here we don't know about? Normal dudes do not have such an affinity for single articles of clothing.
• Another snoozefest of a family meet up. Except for when Dad says that DeAnna talks too fast for being from Georgia. I have no idea just what exactly that comment means, but I like it.
• So, when Graham and Newnan go sit on the bench, 2 questions. 1) Is Graham drinking a red bull and vodka? Good times. 2) What's your deal, Graham? You're weird.
• So does it mean anything that DeAnna chose 2 dudes that are only children and 2 other dudes with pretty good size families? No? Yeah, probably.
• Coming into the rose ceremony, DeAnna says "we're fixin' to go from 4 guys to 3." Fixin'? Fixin', Newnan? What the f, dude?
• Harrison, don't say "my man". 1) It's not you and 2) you're not scoring any points with Jesse. He knows who you are. We all do. You're not a "my man" kinda guy.
• Harrison addresses the dudes and says "One of you will be going home tonight. Well, technically all of you will go home tonight ... since the format of the show calls for you to go home and then individually fly to Georgia visit DeAnna's family, but, uh, you know what I mean." Or maybe he only said the first part.
  
• DeAnna's first short dress of the season. Hmmmm.
• Jesse AKA Sonny Crockett lands the first rose and lands a "you look great" whisper. You're my boy, Jesse!
• Weirdo Graham gets the boot and we all saw it coming.
  
• We have a world first. I think Graham just dropped a back-handed use of the phrase "more than welcome". DeAnna is "more than welcome to make it easier on [herself] by thinking that, but that's not true." Burn, Newnan. Burn.
• Man, this is some dramatic crap right here I'm pretty sure. Graham pulls a note out of his back pocket. And then says that she can either read it, throw it away or burn it. Any of those 3 will work, Newnan. Pick whichever one you like.
• Looks like she decided to read it. I was really hoping for burn it.
• Also I gotta say ... when he went to the back pocket, I really thought he was gonna pull out his hat at first.
  
• Also worth noting ... before the dramatic note drop, DeAnna said something like "It ends here. It ends tonight." You sure about that? You sure it doesn't end tomorrow? Or next week?
• I say good job, Newnan. That dude's a mess. Graham's a mess.

Next week, Jesse might actually choose to NOT forego his individual room. You're my boy, Jesse! Seriously, I can't wait.

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The Bachelorette Musings, The Palm Springs Episode

Ok, so I'm a little bored and I feel like snarking (yeah, new verb meaning "to make snarky comments") about DeAnna's latest efforts on The Bachelorette. Plus, my ego is taking a hit as a result of my new lack of blog visitorship. Oh and I didn't even bother watching the "DeAnna Tells All" episode because I'm not really into listening to her talk.

Oh and before we get started with this episode, I must say that the last episode was pretty damn good. Great TV all around, but the one situation that needs to be discussed is how Newnan handled the 2-on-1 date. Do I even need to say it? She pulled a Big Swayze! She dropped them both! She even did a pseudo lap and a loosening of the tie before booting Fred. In her version though, she just got choked up and sorta took a breath. So here's my beef. I think if you asked her today about dropping both dudes, she wouldn't feel like she pulled a Big Swayze, but she totally did and that's what's so ridiculous. Just like Big Swayze, she didn't feel like she could commit to either of these individuals and so she let them go. And that's what she should have done. And that's what Big Swayze should have done. And he did. What's more ridiculous is that, in a few episodes, Fred won't have the opportunity to put Newnan on the hot seat in front of a crowd of angry men and say "I'm just confused" over and over again while Newnan just has to take it. Just admit it, Newnan. You now understand why Swayze did what he did. That's all I'm asking for. Wow, I guess I have some commentary on this season. I really didn't see that coming.

But really, all's forgiven considering the single tear that rolled down Sensitive Chef Bobbie's cheek in the limo. That was so so great. Probably the moment of the season for me.

Ok, onto the Palm Springs episode:

• At the start, Harrison says something like "It's down to 6 and that's pretty amazing considering where this started." I'm gonna go ahead and say no. Not amazing. In fact, it's about the most predictable and unamazing thing ever. Why? Because the format of the show dictates that we will most certainly at some point get down to 6 dudes. It's about as amazing as the fact that we'll have a new president in a few months. It's going to happen because there's a system in place to make sure it's going to happen. Stick to your rose count, Chris.
• Karate Kid's date ... what the hell? The dude gets virtually no one-on-one time for the first however-many episodes and all of a sudden he's a lock for the final 4? What the crap.
• Also, Newnan's response to Karate's saying "you're walking around with a loaded gun" about 8 times was great. "Yes. That's a good ... that's a good saying."
• Onto the group date ... what is the fascination with helicopters? I've been on one. It's a good time. They're fun, but they're not life changing.
• And moreover my worst nightmare has been realized: one on one time with Twilley. I've got my awkward sandwich right here all slathered with the super secret horrible joke special sauce and I'm ready to swallow it in one gulp. Huh. How 'bout that? Wasn't so horrible.
  
• I'll say one thing about this season's crew ... they f'ing LOVE pools! They're like Adam Sandler's character in that movie "Airheads" combined with a 9 year old that just moved from Minnesota to Arizona. (Reference not working? Fine, but check the number of houses with pools in MN vs. the number of houses with pools in AZ. I'm just saying they go in the pool a lot. Right?)
• This is an odd thing to say. I too am hoping that Jesse kisses Newnan today. How did he not make that move during the Beddingfield slow dance? I maintain that he's the only dude left and I'm pulling for him ... F, Jesse, you blew it. Chick was staring you down and you choked. And you don't even know you choked.
  
• Hey Graham, how 'bout you put on a backwards non-fitted hat and sorta cock it to the left? That'd be different. Wait. Is 'different' the word I'm looking for there? I don't think that's the right word. Also, your torso is freakish. There, I said it.
• I take time during Jeremy's date to fold some laundry. Yawn. Also, apparently Jeremy's feelings are real, genuine and actual. That's like the holy trinity of Bachelorette feelings. You throw in a little "opening up" and I think Newnan's all yours. Just marry each other already.
• Onto the rose ceremony ... so, uh, is DeAnna's hair naturally curly? Has she straightened every dang day? You girls have it rough.
• When Harrison said "there will be no cocktail party tonight", I figured there was a 60% chance he'd then say, "but there will be a POOL PARTY! HELL YEAH, GENTLEMEN!" And then he'd join them in the train cannon ball run into the pool.
• Twilley gets the boot. I'm happy. Especially considering his parting words to Newnan. Looks like I got a side of awkward potato salad with that sandwich.
  
• Karate Kid gets the boot. Respectable exit, too. Nice work, dude. And hey, you got a decent haircut out of the whole thing, too.

Next week, Jesse the MADE coach executes his skills with Newnan. Newnan's in the hot seat with Jeremy's family. Good times. OH! And a full on Newnan break down. Looks like I'm in it til the end on this season.

And finally, shamelessly, click on any of these little links below if you're so inclined. It'll maybe get a few new readers to the bloggy here. Onwards and upwards, ya know?

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