Tuesday, May 27, 2008

The Bachelorette Musings

Okay, f it. I'm watching The Bachelorette and I have opinions. I'm gonna go ahead and write about them. Hopefully if I do so while watching an NBA game, my man card won't be revoked entirely. Looking back on episodes 1 and 2 with DeAnna, here are my thoughts on The Bachelorette, Season 8 (I think?). Also, if you're just arriving, I've written a few words about The Bachelor over the last couple seasons. I have what you might call an obsession. I'd prefer not to call it that, but that's just me.

Kudos to Newnan for giving the boot to the personal trainer from NY on episode 1. You remember the, uh, "the coyotes" guy? The guy who ripped his shirt off. I mean, if that guy gets picked and then gets put in the house, he's gonna roid rage and punch through a wall or a human. His chest and back acne was out of control. Might as well have a giant back tat that says "I <3 'Roids".

Oh and let's give it up for that one guy who followed the tradition of drinking way too much and making an idiot of himself. He wasn't handing his undergarments to anyone, but he did ask engaged Jenni (gag me btw) to sit on his lap. Well played, brah.

Was it just me or were all of the initial 25 meet and greets the most awkward things ever? I could barely watch. Except for my boy from Chicago. His crazy accent and his "let me know if things get weird" and I'll come save you were great. And apparently enough to win both me and Newnan over. I was way surprised to see him get a rose.

Fun fact about everyone's favorite crazy jacket wearing snowboarder Jesse: he was the coach on an episode of MTV's show "MADE" where he taught a high school girl how to snowboard. He also gave her a quiz about snowboaring lingo. Do you think Newnan knows what it means to "shred the gnar"? Me neither.

My pick for an actually cool dude coming out of episode 1 is Chris from Texas. I really don't know what it says about me if I have a "pick" in the Bachelorette, but that's who I'm pulling for at this point.

Moving on to episode 2, I must ask: what is the point of the outdoor no-privacy shower for the men? Is that supposed to bring in female viewers? Or just make all the dudes feel really uncomfortable? I honestly don't know the answer.

I really dislike the karate guy, but I felt for him during his one on one time with Newnan and the "ghost piano". I really don't know if there's a way to handle a smart ass piano with grace while trying to impress a girl at a place like the Magic Castle.

Speaking of magic, did you see Ryan's (the 28 year old football playing virgin's) face when Newnan and Daddio (I can't remember his name at the moment) disappeared in that box. I really think he thought he just witnessed actual magic. "Illusions, Michael!"

Twilley bugs me. He is a walking ball of awkward. Whether he's telling the worst story ever in lieu of a magic trick or waiting for Newnan's date with Graham to end so that he can say pretty much nothing, he is not someone I'd ever want to hang with. You're a weird dude, Twilley.

However, in his defense when Ryan accused him of being insincere ... uh, what the hell does that mean? Ryan is an even weirder dude than Twilley. I believe he said he thought he was the most sincere guy there. Question 1: there are levels of sincerity? Question 2: how does one rank people in order of sincerity? What do you base it on? I'm guessing it has something to do with how often you use the phrase "faith, family and football". The "3 F's" if you will. I hope you lose, Ryan. And quickly.

Oh yeah, hey Greek guy. We get it. You're Greek. A lot of us saw the movie about how large and obese your weddings are. It sounds great. You have no chance of landing one with Newnan.

Let's talk about bro time, cat claws and the "frontrunner". This is NOT The Bachelorette I used to know. From what I remember of previous seasons, The Bachelorette = one dude or a group of dudes go on a date while the rest stay home and have a keg party and bro out. There's no calling your kid or bitching about who the frontrunner is or telling someone he's being too competitive. As far as bros go, this group of dudes are chicks. Bros don't have cat claws like these guys seem to. Less frontrunner talk, fellas. More keg stands and doing horrifying things to the first guy that falls asleep.

Jesse can do 98 push ups? WTF? Extreme sports representing, fools! Extreeeeeeeme!

Finally, who else is completely refreshed by the slight change to the phrase "Gentleman, DeAnna, this is the final rose tonight. When you're ready ..." Way to roll with the punches, Harrison.

F, Chris got the boot. He seemed to be the only funny one. Let's go Fred from Chi-kah-go.

Is Ryan one of the most hateable dudes alive? "Voted friendliest in 8th grade?" "Most genuine person I know?" "Can't fit a square in a circle?" Good luck making the AFL, dude. But not really.

Oh yeah, and Newnan is still weird. How can you know that your husband is in a group of 10 dudes, but just not know which dude it is. That's a weird outlook, right?

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