Monday, May 5, 2008

The Bachelor Diaries, London Calling, Week 8, The Women Tell All

Well, it's that time. It's time for the women to tell all. If I'm being honest, I have no doubts. I really think all will be told. Oh and I should probably mention that this is a now recurring segment (renewed for a 2nd season!) where I watch the glory that is the ABC reality show The Bachelor and then record my snarky comments about the episode onto this here blog thingy. That's all there is to it. With that said ...
  • Recap highlights. Meeps saying "like" 18 times among calling Matt a douche bag to his face. Matt's Probst shirt. Seeing the turtle ... one last time.
  • Harrison brings his game early. He's calling out the finale as the most romantic finale ever.
  • Ever notice how Harrison always calls it a "special edition of The Bachelor: The Women Tell All"? Let's be honest like Rosy Reds would want us to be. It's the standard edition of "The Women Tell All". Case in point right here.
  • Harrison's facial expressions during his ridiculously long intro are awesome. It goes on so long that all I can do is look at some blurry woman behind him who seems to be wearing a leather baseball cap. You're on TV, woman. Baseball cap?
  • Quick reactions to the ladies. Amy: who? Erin H.: ugh. Kelly: drunk I hope. Michele R.: who? Holly: swoon. Ashlee: hate remains strong. Noelle: well, hello there, Noelle. Call me. Meeps: meep!
  • Marshana considers Rosy Reds to be in "great excellent physical condition"? She actually considers Matt to be beyond that? Is she approaching Tom Cruise bat $#@& crazy?
  • OMG. I just remembered Stacy ... the panties girl. She is atrociously ugly. One way ticket to hell? Me? Yep. Got it.
  • Holy crap, I'm laughing. They just dropped a new quote from Stacy on night one: "They're all whores. I'll f___ing kill them all and their own families." And then she sorta ducks and laughs. How has this girl shown her face anywhere to anyone ever? Ever? Her life is dunzo, right?
  • Look, people. Erin H. is smart. Okay? And she wants you to know that by how well-spoken she is. When trying to say that she felt the need to let Stacy know that her actions were not appreciated on that first night, she went ahead and said it like this: "I just felt like it was somebody's place ... to put her in hers." Specifically, it was Erin's place to put Stacy in Stacy's place. Everybody get that? Don't worry about it. Just know that Erin H. is smart.
  • Dude, Harrison. He asks Stevie Nicks if she's ever handed out her underwear a la Stacy. Stevie says no. Harrison says "ever?" Was he really expecting a yes the first time he asked? The second? I guess we know who Harrison will be leaning towards when last call comes around later on tonight.
  • Uh oh. Time for the drama montage. I'm cringing heavily thanks to Marshana and Ashleelee.
  • Nothing like some DrunKelly and some CCC (chronic crying confessional) time from Robin to make me smile.
  • So, it's gonna be me? I'm the one that has to ask? Fine. What the crap is Robin wearing? Is it some crazy modified gaudy Christmas sweater turned dress?
  • I'm still amazed that Robin is 22. Especially when she says she's been hurt more by women than by men in her seemingly long and constantly emotionally intense life.
  • Harrison goes back to Kelly. I really think I'm onto something here. Sadly I don't think she's drunk. I recommend remedying that if you want to get in there, Chris.
  • Marshana's in the hot seat. Wee! I can't help but laugh again when she says " ... [dramatic pause ... squeaky voice] ... I really do like Matt." Great moment, Marsh. Not to be out done though by "Walk awwff! Walk awwff! Walk awwff! Walk awwff! Walk awwff!"
  • Okay, so Marshana has just said a whole bunch of ... absolutely nothing. She has said nothing for about 60 straight seconds now. But then she said this: "It's a mathematical improbability in life that everyone is going to like me." Count me amongst the majority??? I guess? Whichever one puts me outside of her crazy non-stop talking camp.
  • More Kelly! More Kelly! More Kelly! Harrison goes BACK to the well. The dude's intended target is clear.
  • Fun fact for everyone: Rosy Red's "charm and sense of humor captivated the women AND America." So says Harrison.
  • More crack interviewing skills from Harrison. He tells Meeps he "thinks" she was shocked when she didn't get a rose moments before the Meeps montage quotes her "I'm shocked. I am shocked." He's a feeler, that Chris. He's clearly very extroverted.
  • Well, since Meeps' interview is so drop dead boring, let's give it up for Noelle. She's had no play tonight. At all. But if I was Harrison, I'd be directing my questions at her. Ya know what I'm saying? Ya knowwwwwww?
  • Now it's time for the literal meeps montage. I do not envy that condition.
  • Anyone who had .8 seconds in the "How long til Rosy Reds drops an 'honest' on us?", you win. We get it, dude! You don't lie often.
  • Also, I think Matt's been reading the blog. He's trying to distract us from his rosy reds with a 5 o'clock shadow and a shaved head. I'm not fooled, sir.
  • He drops another 'honest' on us! Why am I so damn annoyed? "I can only just be honest with you," he says to Meeps. Check it out, bro. From now on, I'm just gonna assume everything you say til the end of time is the truth. How 'bout that?
  • Stacey is insanely unlikeable. And so is Marshana. I'll be happy to never see/hear them again.
  • I got some seriously genuine laughs from the outtakes montage. Shayne's never ending fall down the stairs is very replayable via DVR. As is Marshana's full on clothesline.
  • I honestly don't try to bitch about the commercials, but I can't help it. Tonight on local Tucson news, they're doing a story on who is responsible for cleaning up the little shards of glass and headlight plastic after car crashes. Read that again. How. Is this possibly. Worth anyone's time? Just show the test bars for half an hour and we'd all be better off.
  • Oh! Big Swayze flash back! Oh snap! 2 weeks from tonight! Newnan is back as the Bachelorette. Pardon my language, but ... honestly, can I really maintain any hope of being viewed as testosterone-having male if I do a running commentary on The Bachelorette? but it's Newnan! Gah! I'm torn in a Natalie Imbruglia kinda way. Oh yeah. 1997. What up.
  • Just when I thought it was over ... they show me the turtle again! It's just too painful at this point. You're cruel, ABC. So many memories. All for naught.
  • Who else saw Robin's get-me-the-f-outta-here slow clap as Harrison thanked the girls? This is why no one likes you, Robin.
Looks like the finale will be a doozy. L-bombs are being dropped like crazy. And Harrison says it all: "the most Romantic moment in Bachelor history." It's not gonna top Big Swayze's double gut punch for me personally, but clearly I'll be happy to watch Lamas take it home in her not-so-great yellow dress.

Is it possible to have a deep thought about the chick that can bite into an aluminum can? Because I don't think it's a skill. I really imagine that most people's teeth are sharp and strong enough to do that. I just think that Carrie is the only person to bother trying such a thing, much less trying it twice on national friggin' television. Okay, I'm out.

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