The Bachelor Diaries, Episode 8

It's time for "The Women Tell All" on The Bachelor. There's really nothing I can predict about this show other than a strong dose of the Harrison. This week on The Bachelor, it's the most Chris Harrison ever ... plus cat claws! Bonus!

• Be ready. The Chad will be involved.
• 3 of the ladies either didn't know where the camera was or chose not to look at it during their intro. Weird.
  
• Hillary just jumps straight to crazy. "I think he's hotter than David Beckham!" C'mon, Hillary. What's next? Weeping uncontrollably for no reason on a good first date? Oh wait.
  
• Holy crap. Bettina's like a used car? Brad has to kick the tires to see if she still works? Hillary (the original "cat claws" girl) has some damn sharp claws herself.
  
• I just realized that this episode and the last one will unquestionably go down as my two least manly blog entries ever. I've said "cat claws" twice already.
• McCarten has some weird rhythm when she talks. "I think that we were more maybe the FORWARD people and the MATURE people because we were able to CONFRONT people to their FACES ..." You can just feel her head nod as she talks.
• Okay, I give up. What exactly is McCarten's deal?! I really only remember her smushy face, but now I hate her immediately.
• Wow, ok, two, wait, three things:
• Hillary does the eye roll / smile / shrug / "oh no I'm in trouble now [wink wink]" waaaaaaay too f'ing much.
• Hillary and Chris executed the most uncomfortable handshake / one arm hug in the history of the world.
• And, Chris, WTF? "One of the most emotional exits we've ever had?" What the hell is up with the back slide? It is THE most emotional exit ever and I will hear nothing less.
• Thanks for the flashback, ABC. The vein, the tears and the giant gonzagas are all back. And so is the sunburn during the most emotional exit ever.
• Tell me you saw the one guy in the whole audience half-clapping as they came back from the flashback! Epic.
• I really didn't think I'd have this much to say about this episode, but here we go:
• Chris' question to Hillary: "What was going through your mind when you didn't get the rose?" That's it? That's what you're curious about? The 10 minutes of uncontrollable crying and hyper-ventilating left you questioning how she felt?
• And as if that wasn't retarded enough, Hillary straight faced answers with the biggest understatement in Bachelor history: "I was upset."
• Just a thrilling dialogue we have going here. I probably shouldn't have expected less considering the handshake-hug.
• Dammit, Chris! "One of the most emotional break downs we've seen?" No! THE most! THE!
• More ground breaking questions for Hillary: "What hurt the most?"  Just a guess here, Chris, but I think it was getting the boot and then having the most emotional exit in Bachelor history.  But good question.
• Can we give Hillary her own TV station like on that movie EDTV? I would watch. I really can't imagine what this basket case's day to day is like.
• What the crap was the music they played as Bettina walked to the hot seat?
• The jump-cut to Bettina's dad in the flashback was AWESOME! I would scream if I woke up and saw that guy staring at me in my bedroom. Or anywhere for that matter.
• Hey, Chris. When you're interviewing someone, it helps to ask questions. "That's gotta be extra tough to watch now" is not a question. F'ing Harrison.
• Sheena says she would have been happy with a date where she was sitting on a towel in a parking lot? Is this a colloquialism that I don't know about? I get what she's trying to say, but towel? Parking lot? What?
• They really need to stop asking Hillary to chime in. She's proven herself to be totally insane. We have nothing to learn from her.
• Did Chris say "jumping at the bit?" Why am I so annoyed? I know I shouldn't be expecting f'ing Frontline here, but dang. (It's chomping at the bit which is why I'm annoyed by the way.)
• Sheena's dress on the first night was horrible. I think it had streamers on it.
• Sheena is a quote machine. "I jumped down the rabbit hole if you will." I think one of her sentences was nothing more than "Gowns, my goodness." I know exactly what you mean, Sheena.
• The Chad can't fool 'em twice! Ya went to the well one too many times, ABC! You tricksters, you.
• I'll say it again. How did they not all recognize the Chad as the Chad? His snaggle tooth jumps off the damn screen.
  
• Thanks for cutting to Hillary's beaming smiling face as Big Swayze comes in. We're one step closer to her own TV station.
• "Two Face" goes with no horrible super dark red lipstick tonight. Good move.
  
• The random cuts to groups of girls in the crowd laughing at Hillary. Priceless. "She didn't know she was in the friend zone! She so crazy! Oh tee hee hee hee hee."
  
• I could have done without Brad's shower scene.
• Harrison for some reason has zero problem just ripping into Hillary.  He's dropped the "friend zone" using sky writing joke, the "Brad has a 'Just Friends'" tattoo joke and the sarcastic "are you sure you don't want to change your mind, Brad" after the replay of Hillary's "ravage" quote.  Dude is ice cold!
• Ladies, if you want to nominate me for The Bachelor, just FYI, the number is 866 739 3150. No! I kid! I kid! And even if I did get chosen, how would I blog my own episodes? I just don't think it would flow. It's the content of the blog I'm really worried about. Call if you want, though. But don't. Or do. Whatever.
• How appropriate. The flashback shows Jenni's first move as she stepped out of the limo. It starts with an "h" and ends with an "a" and has a "a h" in the middle.
• Newnan's first move as she steps out of the limo still makes me cringe with awkwardness. No one likes to pretend like you speaking Latin is interesting.
  
• The booted ladies are at a dead split on who Brad will pick. I'll go with Newnan for no good reason.
  

See you next week where we'll see who has the last laugh. Get it? Cuz you know Jenni laughs a lot so ... it'll be weird if she loses cuz then she can't laugh ... cuz she'll be sad. But then Newnan will probably laugh which will be a total turn of the tables. Anyway, I know one of 'em is gonna laugh ... last. Ok, I'm done.