Monday, November 5, 2007

The Bachelor Diaries, Episode 7

Okay, 45-minute Bachelor, let's go. I'd like to start by thanking all the kids in my neighborhood (if there are any) for NOT coming by my house and hence leaving all these mini-boxes of Nerds for me and Dave. ANYWAYS, overnight dates, bring it on.
  • For starters, "Hell yes you zoom in on and apply focus to Bettina's little bottom in a bikini!" That is a bottom to be zoomed in on.
  • Jenni doesn't want to look like a "weirdo" or a "weenie" or a "whacko" or a "wombat" while swimming with dolphins. She only actually said 2 of those things.
  • Dude, that dolphin is into Jenni. And just like a normal date, Jenni wasn't comfortable until she danced with her suitor. Except in this case her suitor was a dolphin. The fact that it's a dolphin didn't do anything for her? What a weirdo.
  • Jenni and Brad "have an understanding" that they're both very attracted to each other. How did that conversation go? "I'm very attracted to you." "Same." "Done."
  • While we have a minute ... Jenni really made the team. Nice research, Ando. Here are some items worth noting:
    • Her niece is named Rylee Jo. How did Jenni ever make it out of Wichita?
    • She likes to watch Laguna Beach. How's life in 2005, Jenn?
    • "I think the reality TV show I would be best on is Survivor! I am a pretty tough woman!" Huh? She seems to be doing pretty damn well on another reality show I've seen.
    • "In one word, my friends would describe me as..." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Okay, she actually said "energetic". I think my answer is more accurate.
  • Seriously! Bettina on the boat!? Did she have 3 square meals of crunches every day since the at-home date?
  • The real Swayze would never wear that green shirt.
  • "I'm pretty sure you have something special in your pocket," she says! Is this girl going all the way on the overnight date or what?
  • The innuendo is out of control right now. "We just continuously ... grow together and it feels good," he says.
  • As Brad shuts the door on Camera 2, let's ask the ladies a hypothetical here. Let's say you're Jenni. And let's say Brad discreetly looks into the camera and does something to the effect of an "Oh yeah!" just before shutting the door. And then let's say Brad asks you to marry him. Weeks later, as you're watching the show back with Brad's ring on your finger, what's your reaction to Brad's boasting?
  • As we go to commercial, he's gonna seal the deal with all 3 ladies, right? He's giving Bachelor Bob a bit of a run (who allegedly sealed 6 deals. 6!).
  • Bettina's adventurous and loves the water? A lot like the dolphins from the first date.
  • As the boat captain's accent is presented, I have to ask myself, where exactly is Cabo San Lucas?
  • What is up with the extreme close up on Brad's shoulder? Bettina's in a bikini here! You're fired, Camera 3!
  • As Bettina reads the fantasy suite card, I guess I have to give props to Jenni for doing what Brad never will: admitting that the show is formatted and everyone knows what's coming next. That was pretty awesome, Bettina.
  • Close up of Bettina's bottom yet again, some seemingly bad kissing aaaaaaand Brad seals the deal again. BIG SWAYZE!
  • Props to DeAnna for, ya know, eating. Food. I still don't know how I feel about her personality, but she is a super cutie.
  • Is this what actual romantic dates are like? If so, I've never been on one.
    • Brad: "I don't meet people like you very much."
    • Newnan: "I don't meet people like you very much." (Note: burn! Had to be said.)
    • Brad: "... ... Hmm ..."
    • Newnan: "I knew from the second I got here. I knew. I just knew."
    • Luke: "What!? What did you know!? Seriously tell me. That dune buggy racing was awesome? That you're both horrible trash talkers? That you're normal and eat more often than you work out unlike your competitors?" (For the record, I really do think that's a good thing and I seriously think Newnan is the most attractive remaining chica.)
  • On second thought, I guess Brad's mmhmm's and the Spanish guitarrrrrr are starting to do it for me.
  • How much time do you think Chris Harrison puts into "writing" his "notes" for the "fantasy" "suite"? I'm guessing at least "fifteen" "minutes".
  • I couldn't contain a sigh after this nugget from the Big Swayzz: "... all those things that make a relationship be what it is." Is there any wonder why this girl is gonna bone all 3 of these girls? He's like f'ing Casanova this guy!
  • "In my stomach, in my gut, deep down in my innards and my large intestine, it just feels right," says Newnan. Actually, she only used 2 of those references to her tummy.
  • Swayze is ruling! He just used the word tumultuous and then he said "Someone is going to walk away with ... a broken heart and for me to be the cause of that, it just breaks my heart." Well at least you'll have that in common during the goodbye, Brad.
  • Backless dress Jenni gets a rose and smells it way too much as usual.
  • Chris Harrison is MIA for the whole episode. Frowny face.
  • No big surprise, "cute bottom" gets booted beachside by Brad. Alliteration for the win!
  • I also enjoyed that Brad threw in a "you look amazing" after giving Newnan the final rose.
  • Also, what is this kinda cool song playing as Brad and Bottom head for the bench?
  • And then they cue the other song I like. It's like my favorite Bachelor playlist.
  • F-bomb from Bettina! This girl is really laying it down late in the game and I'm liking it. She seems to have about as good of an outlook as one could have in her shoes. How long do you think they drove her around before giving up on her balling her eyes out? I'm guessing at least an hour.
  • If you're the Bachelor, is the toast when it's down to two girls literally the most awkward moment ever? I'd say the dude actually did pretty well ... and that's with him saying "Thank you for giving me your hearts. I appreciate it." He appreciates it, ladies, so, ya know, try not to kick each other in the crotch and instead toast with the girl that has a 50/50 shot of stealing away your potential husband. Cheers!
"The women tell all" has all signs of being epic. Also, Brad seems to wear another ugly suit for the proposal. And finally, Brad gets his head bob on during the post-credit segment. There are no words.

Until next time, y'all.

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