The Bachelor Diaries, Episode 9

Well, hard to believe it was only 8 episodes ago that I had no idea how annoying Jenni's laugh is. Before we start, I'm going with Newnan. I think Big Swayze is gonna go curveball on us.

• "And then, it's the moment we've all been waiting for." Don't you dare speak for me, Chris Harrison. You lost me on your back slide last week.
• "Get ready for the most dramatic finale in Bachelor history." Just hush, Chris. You had me at "THE".
• Big Swayze really couldn't look more like Lil' Swayze. It's like they're the same person.
  
• Nice duck walk from Swayze as he walks Newnan into the room.
• "Are you expecting a proposal?" asks Mama Swayze. "Oh absolutely." Newnan starts strong, but immediately follows with "not so much expecting one, hoping for one." Good effort at least. You tried.
• She looks like friggin' Poe though compared to Swayze who drops this piece of knowledge on little bro Wes and the Chad: "Uh, she's good, huh?" Such a sweet talker, that Brad. He's like a magician with words.
• Holy shit. The whole family does the "yawps" before Jenni's arrival. 5 "yawps" from the 4 of them in about 20 seconds.
• F Jenni!
• "Have you told Brad that you loved him?" -Mama
• "I have not. HAHAHAHAHAHA." -Guess who
• There was tons more horrible laughter from Jenni during this segment, but I was too busy vomiting to get it all down here.
• For the record, Wes can NOT throw a football.
• Plotting out the 1st through the 6th time that you leave the toilet seat up. That's true love right there.
• Newnan is making a real strong play as far as what she says, but how she says it is always a little ... straight forward for me. Right? She just seems a little robotic at times, no?
• Did I just see a commercial where a talking dog announced a sale that begins at 4am? Black Friday is out of control.
• Jenni goes for the water works and takes the lead I gotta figure.
• Holy crap a journal. She's fully in the lead.
  
• She also hasn't laughed once all night. Which has been totally awesome!
• Does he trim his beard every day to keep it at that length? Or does he shave all the way down and then they just film him only on every 3rd or 4th day?
• Uh oh, he didn't go to Jared's. If TV has taught me anything, that's a bad thing.
• Brad's tie sucks if you ask me.
• Jenni's out of the limo first. Probably NOT good news for the laugher.
• Aaaaaaand the music pauses and she's out ... They both handled it pretty damn well I think. Very respectable break up as far as nationally broadcast reality TV goes.
• Weird. Why did Brad line up stage left for Jenni and then line up stage right for Newnan? Did the producers actually put thought into this? They've never had me more interested.
• DUDE! Harrison was not f'ing around! Drama! What is Swayze doing?! He's gonna dump 'em both?!
• Swayze is a complete STUD! He dropped 'em both! Most dramatic finale in Bachelor history. Believe it, people!
• Here's a question. Does he keep the ring?
• Oh yeah, drop that TUNE I like. So appropriate.
• F-bomb in the limo from Newnan. Scorned, y'all.
• Here's another question. Did he have to ask permission to drop them both? Or did he spring that on the crew as it happened?
• An oh-so-appropriate Point Break quote comes to mind: "Yeah, I know man. Ain't it wild? That's what makes it so interesting. You can do what you want, and make up your own rules. Why be a servant to the Bachelor, when you can be it's master?" (The previous quote may not be 100% accurate.)
  

Dang, y'all. The drama continues tomorrow night after the final (lack of a) rose. We'll see you then. If ABC can get another hour out of this, I can get another few bullet points.