Tuesday, December 13, 2005

pwned

if you know anything about me, you know this dunk and i have a history. props to my bro, dave for finding this.

if you don't know anything about me, then let me tell you that this is the greatest dunk ever. i will not argue about this.



i may never post again just so this will be the top post for all time.

Saturday, December 3, 2005

the 'diocrush

ok, so i was recruited to create the official audiocrush hand signal. let's get down to brass tacks.

criteria as decided by me (in descending order of importance)
  1. ease of use - it shouldn't take 3 different people holding your fingers and 6 minutes to execute this thing
  2. originality/coolness - we don't want to be mistaken as members of the crips/it shouldn't mistakenly says "i think shakira rules!"
  3. relevance - if possible, the signal should organicly relate something "audiocrush"
with that said, we basically have 2 options
  1. create a hand signal that is only "audiocrush" because we say it is ... similar to dane cook's su-fi.
  2. create one that really says audiocrush or something like it. if i could actually make my hands say "audiocrush" ... well, i wouldn't be writing this blog. i'd be selling the services of my superhero-like hands for thousands of dollars an hour.
so here are the runners-up:

the rock mod

  • concept: it's something we all know with a twist, audiocrush rocks and so should its hand signal
  • pros: easy to perform
  • cons: doesn't really stand out, kinda sucks
a is for audiocrush

  • concept: make one of those special lower case a's <-- like that one
  • pros: very representative
  • cons: would probably be mistaken for an offensive gesture in certain foreign countries
into it

  • concept: this is how deaf people say "into" - linky
  • pros: soooo inside the AC circle, only the true AC listeners would get it, also ironic that we're using sign language to talk about something that deaf people would have a hard time enjoying
  • cons: casual observers will mistake you for busting a rhyme, i may have offended people with one of the jokes in the "pros" section
  • comical extra: check out what other sign i learned
and now for the winners. by popular demand, we're gonna go with 2 options for the hand signal. the public spoke ... i listened. take your pick. mix it up.

one handed option ...

the abstract

  • concept: the thumb = 1, the fingers = 3, a and c are the first and third letters of the alphabet ... audiocrush
  • pros: easy to perform, stands out
  • cons: requires a "concept" description that involes equals signs, multiple commas and an elipsis
two-handed option ... for when you're really feeling it

audiocrush

  • concept: use both hands to make an A and a C, obviously the C is a little jaggy
  • pros: very easy to flash, representative, generally rules
  • cons: your right hand doesn't really look like a C -- ah who am i kidding, there are no cons
this is it people, take this and run with it. seriously, sprint. spread the word, express yourself, let no picture go un-branded.

Friday, December 2, 2005

page rank

this is strictly for google page rank.

http://audiocrush.us

and the show is pretty good. i guess. if you like laughing.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

best band ever

nothing like a subject filled with hyperbole to get the juices flowing. here's a semi-original thought i just had: the band guster is the only band that has CONSISTENTLY and tremendously improved with age. if that was the criteria for a good band, guster might be the best band in the world ... ever.

i'm sure many will say i'm wrong (and considering all the bands in all of time, 99.9% chance that i actually am wrong), but if that's the case, that means there are other bands out there who improved by leaps and bounds with each new album they pushed out. and IF THAT'S the case, then i want to listen to these bands. so please tell me about them.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

mike!

i'm in the middle of the nov. 16th episode of lost and i need to say the following. i don't care if dr. michael aloiscious burton is an "other" or not. raise your hand if you're excited that mike is back!

holy shit! -- that dude just killed mike! lost has reached new levels of torment. jj abrams is on my permanent poo list.

seriously, don't talk to me.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

my brain just exploded

i'm about to link you to a page that features a jpeg. i assure you this is not flash. it is not a moving gif. it is a static image.

prepare to have your mind blown: http://www.flickr.com/photos/brm/63326841/in/pool-intoit/

Sunday, November 6, 2005

the local news

let me paraphrase a promo for the local phoenix news that aired during tonight's family guy ... "tornados, bombings, tidal waves ... some say these are the signs of the end of days. [cut to some guy in the desert with a kick-ass smokey mustache, likely a cowboy] 'people should be scared'. fox news tonight at 10!"

give it a moment.

ok, let's assume for a moment that the apocalypse is coming. let's also assume that fox 10 news in phx is the one and only news source that has learned the how's and the why's of this upcoming apocalypse. let's make yet another assumption that the mustache cowboy is the harbinger of the downfall of all mankind.

with all that in place, what the hell is fox 10 going to be able to report in their half hour segment that is going to help us? it's the f'ing apocalypse, people! we're all done. put the end-all-be-all fork in us. it's not like boarding up your windows or getting a spam blocker is going to save you from the wraith of the 4 horsemen.

"signs of the apocalypse and your 5-day forecast tonight at 10!"

Wednesday, November 2, 2005

always remember

the message contained in the link below is one that i mean sincerely. it's something i've explored deeply in my soul and come to realize is as true now as it ever has been. something i feel so strongly about, i need to share. so please click below and receive the best message i can pass on to anyone.

click here
(having your sound turned on will really help ... and this is not a scary link where it's all quiet and you crank your volume and then jump out of your skin when this amazingly loud sound hits ... and the sound is "office-safe" too)

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

chobot

i don't know why i've kept this one under the rug for so long. maybe because i really don't know what to do with this information. the girl seen to the left (jessica chobot) has a running article that she does for ign.com. she is attractive, a good writer, funny, and plays lots and lots of video games. i don't know if i should be excited or frustrated by the fact that girls like this exist. anyway i emailed her and she commented on my blog.

see her actual comment posted on my blog by clicking here.

again i really don't know what do with this information.

Monday, October 17, 2005

it's cool, i clapped his shoes

ok, i realize i'm due. with that said, i would like to share the security measures of the staff at the marquee theatre in phx. you get your ticket, you line up to get checked for knives, guns, contraband, cameras, nun chuks, sling shots. you take all your crap out of your pockets and hold it in your hands. something that i dare anyone to do gracefully. you hold out your hands and try not to drop your wallet, keys, cell phone, ticket, ipod, miniature yorkie and then they check your person. next is the best part. assuming you're wearing something other than flip flops or gels, you have to take off your shoes and hand them to the person that just checked your biz. it's time for the shoe check. allow me to illustrate:



---------------------------------------



they hold your shoes apart and then clap the soles together. that's it. then you get them back and have to oh-so-gracefully put your shoes back on and reload your pockets.

so the real question is ... why the hell did my shoes pass? because they didn't explode? how many marquee security guards have perished as a result of this hands-on test? do they have their own memorial? they should.

Monday, August 29, 2005

best commercial on tv, vol. 1

hopefully this will be a re-occuring post. sorry that i can't link directly to this commercial, but follow these steps to view.

1. go here: http://www.hummer.com/
2. click "Enter hummer.com"
3. click "See the new TV spot and exclusive H3 test footage" near the bottom
4. click on "Three Bears" near the bottom
5. click on "View commercial" on the right
5. enjoy

Thursday, August 18, 2005

a sentence

the show: so you think you can dance
the situation: 2 strangers (blake and alan) bunking up in the same hotel room for 5 days, blake decides to bring his little dog to stay with them
the scene: alan tells blake that he's upset cuz blake's dog is crapping all over the place
blake's response ... direct quote ... verbatim:

"and like i wasn't even aware of the fact i just thought he could've like i didn't even know and again it wasn't if i hadn't have been so i probably would've been up and in better control of things and that wasn't my you know it's not like i wanted you to i mean of course you know?"

not a word out of place ... verbatim.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

hooray

you know, when i'm sitting alone in an empty room and consuming an entire oversized box of gobstoppers, i just ... i ... i mean i wish i had something to DO! if only -- wait ... wait a minute ... JACKPOT!

Monday, August 15, 2005

fun with road-side equipment

after a month-long absence, i have returned with a pictorial featuring my sister and i.

how fast can we run?

attempt 1: not so fast
















attempt 2: faster





















attempt 3: even faster






















attempt 4: slow down (chicken dance!)

























attempt 5: FASTEST!




we'll see you at the olympics!

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

the guy gets paid to say words on tv

this is a quote from the genius broadcaster known as tim mccarver during tonight's mlb all star game.

"The Oakland Athletics were interested in Miguel Tejada as a 14 year old, but he was so frail they had to feed him for 2 years. They fed him, signed him and he's strong enough right now."

#1 - what?
#2 - it's worth mentioning that he currently plays for the baltimore orioles
#3 - what?

the wall



The above image is a skateboarding ramp built around the great wall of china. a guy named danny way started at the upper right, dropped down 130 feet and then jumped a 75-foot gap over the wall of china.

on a skateboard.

kid reached speeds of 50 mph.

here's some other insane pics.





check out some videos of the jump: dannydoeschina.com

Saturday, July 9, 2005

one.org

with full awareness that i might totally de-rail the tone of this blog, i went to one.org and signed my name today. i highly recommend you do the same. hopefully enough people will sign which will lead to the 8 most wealthy nations in the world eradicating mass poverty in africa, something they could easily do if they feel compelled to do so.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

nba mvp

as we await game 7 of the nba finals tonight, i figured this was my last chance to post this.

steve nash won this year's mvp because a bunch of writers all gave him votes which count for a certain number of points. his accumulated points made him the mvp. certain sports journalists are given the privelege of being official mvp voters. those journalists get to rank their mvps 1 - 5. a certain journalist, jimmy smith from the times-picayune, gave pj brown a 5th place vote (1 point). it was a ridiculous vote. have a look at pj's stats from this year.

usually these votes are anonymous, but there was enough press on this pj brown vote that jimmy smith decided to come clean. he did so in this article.

i chose to write him and said the following:

jimmy,

i read your article defending yourself on your pj brown vote (please excuse my lack of capital letters). i think your article (after taking multiple pot shots at charles barkley and dan patrick among others) is saying that you wanted to vote pj brown 5th because you like him and think he did something with his season worth noticing. you made people notice by exploiting the privelege you have of voting on the mvp race. don't you think your "but, i mean, look, he's such a nice guy" vote is the beginning of a slippery slope? following that slope, detroit writers are soon going to be giving votes to guys like darko milicic that ride the bench all year and then get a vote because they think the guy did a great job coming off the bench in the pistons' 30-point blowouts. and before you know it, there have been 34 points taken away from someone who could have won the whole thing thanks to writers like you making personal statements via your mvp vote. your defense of your vote is ridiculous. his career stat line simply proves that he's a mediocre player that hasn't gotten hurt and has longevity. just stick to the "i voted for him because i like him" defense. i think your vote was irresponsible and i agree with mike wilbon of the washington post who says you should have your voting privileges revoked.

Luke Johnson from Tucson, Arizona


while writing this email, i knew that jimmy would take any chance he could to de-bunk my credibility by pointing out writing errors or incorrect facts so i spent some time on this email.

predictably, jimmy tried to debunk me. here is jimmy's reply:

Thanks for your note. You obviously didn't read the column very closely. Mike Wilbon never said I should have voting privileges revoked. Writers should not vote because of personal likes or dislikes. I did not. That practice went out in the 1940s, specifically after 1941, when baseball writers didn't vote Ted Williams as the MVP. jimmy smith


translation: i know more about sports than you so i'm right. and you can't read.

i responded in turn and never heard back from the guy. my response to jimmy:

jimmy,

i'm amused. i didn't say that your article said that mike wilbon said that you should have your voting priveleges revoked. i said that i agree with mike wilbon who said you should have your voting privileges revoked. he said this on pti on espn. and that's too bad about ted williams.

-Luke

a few words on concerts

so i watched glen phillips play music live and in person for about 90 minutes in tucson last night.

-i'm sure this is going to be taken in a sexual way, but i think i spent 90% of the show watching glen's left hand. are there other guitar players out there with the same problem? i barely ever saw the guy's face.
-speaking of problems, i have one. when someone that is somewhat in the line between me and the performer starts using his phone to take pictures, i can't look away. until that phone goes back in the pocket, i am subjected to viewing the concert through the viewer of some stranger's phone. and i don't like it. it's like the phone is the one ring and i'm gollem. so i'm begging those of you who spend 40% of the show trying to take that pulitzer prize winning, badly-lit, terrible resolution camera cell phone picture of whoever you're seeing, please check behind you. if i'm standing there, take pity on me. put the phone away and let me watch the show through my own eyes.


totally unrelated note ... sing along with me: "traaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaade inyourbreakfastforsomedanonfrusionFRUIT!"

Monday, June 20, 2005

writting

so i gave some money to eharmony.com and in return, they alert me to possible matches for me every so often. upon first "meeting" a match, i get to read her profile. the following is an un-cut excerpt from this classic, classic profile that i was just alerted to. her name has been changed.

Monica typically spends his leisure time:
-reading, writing,lesting to music, and seeing movies

The last book Monica read and enjoyed:
-Genuine Lies by Nora Roberts a romqce novel. I like a verity of books, but can't seem to put Nora's books down

One thing that only Monica's best friends know is:
-i have a silly senice of humor that some friends find very funny

Some additional information Monica wanted you to know is:
-I would eventually want them to meet my family because i'm really close to them

The things Monica can't live without are:
-music
-my family
-movies
-my computer, I'd be lost without it
-writting

man, monica and i are a real match. we both love lesting to music. we both have a silly senice of humor and we can't live without writting.

someone call alanis morisette. it's time for her to re-writte one of her songs.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

thomas jackson cruise

i don't want to have one of those blogs that just points to other blogs, but these photos from cruise's recent appearance on oprah just need to be seen.

enjoy

Saturday, May 21, 2005

seinfeld

so i saw seinfeld do stand up at the tucson music hall last night. yeah, i didn't know jerry would come to tucson either. anyway, a couple things about the show.

what is with the laugh clap? goes like this:

comedian: joke1
audience: laugh
comedian: joke2
audience: laugh
comedian: joke3 that refers to joke1
audience: laugh that is then followed by clapping

do we clap because we think the comedian just conquered a short term memory problem? because we loooove it when comedy is combined with history? or maybe because we forgot that joke and are just overjoyed at the idea that the comedian helped us remember? i really don't get it.

also, did you know that comedians do encores? because i didn't. dude told a bunch of jokes, left, we clapped, he came back out and told some more jokes. did everyone know he had more material? were they all saying "he's totally coming back, he hasn't done 'the difference between great and sucks' joke yet"?

Thursday, May 19, 2005

yes, i apparently quote myself

i am proud of my ability to make my bro, ando laugh via instant messaging. hence i am posting the following. judge me if you will.

[16:23] LtotheJizay33: so "u don't have to call by usher" -- f'ing yes, "what's my name" by dmx right after, f'ing double f'ing fuck yes
[16:23] andousc: LOL
[16:24] LtotheJizay33: seriously, i want to like beat the shit out of all my clients right now
[16:24] LtotheJizay33: and i'm really happy about it, it's great
[16:24] andousc: LOL
[16:24] LtotheJizay33: if someone called right now, i'd have a hard time not just trying to intimidate the shit out of them
[16:24] andousc: "WHAAAAT?!"
[16:25] LtotheJizay33: C'MON!
[16:26] andousc: so what are your general impressions of the new phantom planet disc?
[16:27] LtotheJizay33: growing on me heavily
[16:27] LtotheJizay33: take that and that and that and that
[16:27] LtotheJizay33: good times
[16:27] andousc: yeah even first listen i'm like, hey not bad
[16:27] andousc: yeah big brat...G D
[16:28] LtotheJizay33: seriously, quote me on my quote about dmx
[16:28] LtotheJizay33: that is classic luke shit right there
[16:28] andousc: serious laughing over here in LBC

Thursday, May 5, 2005

boggled

i came across this picture on espn.com. take a look and then come back and we'll discuss.

first thing: 10 year olds run triathlons? they're 10. i could barely run a mile when i was 10.

second thing: that kid (#11) is buffer than me and judging by the look on his face, he could beat the crap out of me too.

third thing: is the girl in the red swimsuit (#31) break dancing? seizing up? she surely can't be running. can she? i mean she's basically a straight line. does the straight line position fit in with her running stride? if so i gotta see this girl run. correction, i have to see this 10 year old female triathlete run.

fourth thing: i think the blond kid brining up the rear could kick my ass too.

Wednesday, May 4, 2005

marketers hate me

so i discovered this absolute gem of a candy last night: twizzlerz twerpz.

upon eating some and realizing i really like them, i instantly considered going to walgreen's and buying them out. why? because just about every consumer product i like ends up getting canceled.

the list:

  • purple-saurus rex kool aid ... the best kool aid flavor ever

  • regular grape gatorade ... replaced with the whole gatorade ice or whatever crap that was/is

  • the philly cheese steak from jack in the box ... i used to sustain on these things in high school ... until they were canceled for no reason

  • penne arabiatta at olive garden ... i still get it, but i have to go "off menu" to do so

  • twizzlerz goo-filled licorice ... i don't remember the exact name of this product, but it was basically twizzlerz twerpz but not in bite size pieces

  • parmasan oregano bread at subway ... later on


the list is not limited to food items:

  • undeclared ... great show on fox, canceled

  • the family guy ... i realize it just came back and you're probably saying i should be grateful to fox for bringing it back. i'm not. let's just say i'm glad to find the execs at fox are only mostly stupid and not absolutely stupid

  • freaks and geeks ... great show on nbc where my high school classmate busy phillips made her breakout performance ... gone

  • ed ... maybe my favorite show ever and i was lucky to get 4 seasons out of it according to the ratings ... thank god for tbs and their re-running the entire series right now ... it's tv utopia!

  • the mole ... not that crap show celebrity mole, just the mole with anderson cooper as the host. anderson cooper is the jeff probst to ahmad rashad's chris harrison. it should also be mentioned that the two dudes that formed a secret alliance and went all the way to the final 2 of this show in its very first season may be the smartest reality contestants ever. like richard hatch, they figured "the game" out instantly and executed while everyone else was just sucking their reality thumbs.

  • i don't even know the name of it, but it was this dating reality show on fox where a chick was wooed by a group of dudes, but some of the dudes were gay. if a gay guy ended up fooling her and she chose him to be her man at the end of the show, he got $100gerr or something. otherwise, if she fully used her gaydar and picked a straight guy. she would then get to choose between him and cash. i was totally into it. but this one didn't even make it to the end of the first season. show just disappeared like f'ing keyser soze. thanks a million, fox.


so the moral of the story is ... if you find out you like any current product or tv show that i do, you better get your fill cuz it'll be gone soon

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

an announcement to my future wife, whoever she may be

ok, so i just read an article by a guy named bill simmons. if you've never heard of him or read him, parts of this post will be lost on you.

i have been reading simmons' articles for near 4 years now. in this time, he has written about mostly sports and entertainment, but he also writes about his friends, family and life sometimes. in his most recent article, he reviews the movie "fever pitch" - a chick flick disguised as a sports movie about a crazed boston red sox fan. this is important because it's fair to say that bill simmons is the most prominent red sox fan in the universe.

ok so let's address simmons' stance on the movie "fever pitch". he was bashing this movie when it was still in f'ing production. he's never liked jimmy fallon due to a) the fact that fallon breaks character and laughs often on snl skits and b) that he is playing a manic red sox fan despite admitting to liking both the yankees and the red sox. to a casual sports fan, saying you like the sox and the yanks is a no-no. it's like saying you like spam as much as you like steak. to any and all red sox fans, saying you like the sox and the yanks is reason for damnation to eternal hell fire. it's like the pope saying that satan is an okay guy once you get to know him. so anyone who pays a little bit of attention to simmons' column would know that simmons hates fallon. on top of that, the makers of "fever pitch" were able to sneak barrymore and fallon on the field minutes after the sox won the world series for the first time in 86 years so they could shoot footage that would go in the movie. this did not sit well with sox fans, especially simmons. all these factors led to at least 2 separate bashing sessions of "fever pitch" before it was even released.

in his most recent article, simmons felt it was his duty to go review this movie. he did and he hated it as much as he expected. it inaccurately portrayed sox fans and it was basically a chick flick. with all that said, he wanted to get a woman's opinion of the flick so he sent his wife to see it.

here's where it gets interesting.

mrs. simmons comes back saying a) she loved the movie, b) she can't believe simmons didn't love it and c) fallon's character is just like simmons. i'd like to think that the opening couple of paragraphs of my post have done their job and as a result you are already baffled at mrs. simmons' comments. in case you're not baffled, what she's really saying with her above comments is that she has no clue who she's f'ing married to! let's assume that simmons hasn't written multiple nationally read articles in which he bashes a movie that wasn't even out yet. let's also assume that simmons isn't the unnamed president of red sox nation. even then she has to know her husband well enough to know a) that there's plenty of reasons for him to hate this flick and b) that there's all kinds of crap that distinguishes simmons from fallon's character in the flick.

at this point, we can discuss 2 things. 1) what is the socially reasonably response by simmons to his wife's comments? 2) what is my announcement to my future wife?

simmons' response
i proposed to my buddy ando that mrs. simmons saying what she said is the emotional equivalent of the following hypothetical conversation between simmons and his wife:

simmons' wife: "does this make me look fat?
simmons: "hell yes it does ... shit! you're really letting yourself go! and now that i think about it, you're dumb as rocks too! could you even keep yourself alive if you weren't married to me?"

in this hypothetical situation, mrs. simmons would have rights to put simmons in the dog house for years, maybe even decades. concordantly (yes, i stole that from the architect and no i'm not sure that i'm using it correctly) shouldn't simmons basically have the same rights to put mrs. simmons in the female dog house? if there's ever been a case for a guy throwing an all-out hissy fit, i think this is it. am i wrong?

my announcement
for those of you who know me, i am quite the john mayer fan. hence the only hypothetical situation i can compare this to is the following. let's say they make a movie about some crazed dude that loves john mayer and screams like a little 15 year old girl at concerts and sings out of key really really loud during the show, hates guitar solos and new songs and then leaves right after john plays no such thing. and then let's say that my future wife sees that movie and goes "oh my gosh, luke, that's the story of your life. it's you!" the first word that comes to mind ... divorce. honestly, it's as though i married someone who actually knows nothing about one of the things i am most passionate about.

so what is my announcement? my announcement is that, should anything like this happen to me, i'm going to make a stand. when discussing the simmons situation and the concept of the female dog house with my buddy ando, he said "i'm not sure it works the other way around in terms of the whole sleeping on the couch thing". my announcement is that i'm going to make it work the other way around. if my wife ever says "i know absolutely nothing about who you are or how you feel about your favorite hobby," it's on. i will be taking the concept of sexual equality to a whole new level by throwing an unprecedented pout fest and building an actual dog house with my wife's name on it.

and the best thing is that i don't even know simmons nor have i seen "fever pitch".

Sunday, April 10, 2005

the end of an era

so i went into my neighborhood chili's a week ago and took a ganders at my favorite booth only to find that there were no pictures on the wall. so marked the end of an era.

about 3 years ago, i took note of the kind of pictures that are usually up on the walls at chili's. the place is covered in framed pictures. but not pictures of famous people or famous landmarks or anything, just pictures of random 80s people at picnics and chili cook-offs and such. so one night i and 3 of my friends were sitting in a booth that had 3 random framed pictures of no one in particular and i concocted a plan.

we took a picture of ourselves in that booth, developed the picture, picked up a cheap wooden frame and some double sided tape. on our next trip to chili's, i made sure the coast was clear and plopped the picture up in that same booth where the picture was taken. so now anyone who sat in that booth might notice the 3 chili's-authorized pictures and then one picture of 4 people sitting in the same booth they were sitting in.

the picture stayed up in all its glory for more than 3 years. we even had friends of ours approach us and ask quizically "is there a picture of you in a booth at chili's?" "yep, and we put it there."

however as i said the picture is no more. i don't know why it was taken down, but there aren't any pictures up in that booth any more. anyway we had a good run and it needed to be documented.

Thursday, April 7, 2005

prove me wrong

hopefully this will be as neurotic of a post as i make on this thing. here goes.

i have driven a lot of miles on u.s. freeways. in probably 100,000 miles, i've had some time to observe my fellow motorists. i've done so much observing that i've learned how to control their minds. and i want to teach you how to control them too. i do this to people all the time.

here's the scenario. i'm coming up behind a car that's passing a semi or another car. take note of the speeds.



at this point, the moron motorist or mm as we'll call him sees me in his rear view. he proclaims "this is my lane and i'll take as long as i want to pass this semi" so he slows down.



at these speeds, it takes about 5 minutes to pass this semi, but eventually mm has to do it. he's cleared the semi and he has to move into the right lane. but the drama isn't over yet. mm switches from territoriality mode to race mode! this is where it gets exciting.



he speeds up to faster than i had been going prior to the 5 minute pass! so i have to pull a jeff gordon in order to overtake him.



pay attention. here it is. this is the crucial moment. are you listening? when my car gets to a certain point in relation to his car, that controlling minds thing i was taking about happens. i can't explain why it happens, but suddenly i can control how fast his car goes. slow down to 80, speed up to 83, slow down to 70, our position on the road relative to each other does not change.



let me repeat myself:



in case you couldn't tell, i'm worked up. what the f, people?! this is the guy that was going 85 of his own free will just moments ago. what is going on in this man's head? it's like i've locked in a tractor beam on the dude's car. this is not a joke. i have done this many many times. the only way i can get him off me is to lull him to sleep at 70 and then step hard on the gas and finally release him from the apparent trance he's in.



so there ya go. that's what i've taken from 100,000 miles of driving. and it's my gift to you. go out and try it for yourself.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

seniority rules

so i go to p.f. chang's to pick up some take out food. picking up take out requires standing awkwardly at the end of the bar until the take out food guy decides you're worthy of his attention. you're always in the way of the servers and you just look insanely out of place. so i'm standing there for a couple minutes and this 60-something year old dude walks up and stands right next to me at the bar. Despite the fact that i'm standing there looking intently towards the back with my money in hand, take out food guy whose native american name would probably be doesn't-want-a-tip then emerges from his hole and looks right at the old man. "did you have a take out order?" old man gives him his name and doesn't-want-a-tip goes and retrieves his food. doesn't-want-a-tip then presents old man's food and old man gives him his credit card. doesn't-want-a-tip goes to run the card and then old man looks at me and says "this is place is run like well-oiled machine!"

you said it, pal.

Friday, March 18, 2005

smartest guy ever

it's almost 5pm and i go to check college hoops scores. i see vermont 13, syracuse 4. i send the following instant messages to my bro ryan.

LtotheJizay33: hoo doggies VT is up on cuse
LtotheJizay33: wow, such a lie
LtotheJizay33: and such a moron
LtotheJizay33: i looked at the seeds and thought that was the score
LtotheJizay33: i rule

vermont is a 13 seed and syracuse is a 4 seed. the game doesn't even start until 5:10pm.

smartest telemarketer ever

i don't think i've ever hung up the phone as fast as i did just now.

me: "hello."
other end: ... long pause ... obviously recorded voice: "please don't hang up--"
click.

Monday, March 14, 2005

i love covers

ever seen 3 russian guys covering 'total eclipse of the heart' using kitchen appliances for percussion? click here so you can say "yes i have".

all props go to my bro lubs for finding this gem.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

ch-ch-check it out

here's 5 things that i've realized in the last few weeks that you may have not.

1. there is a small group of people that will never need jobs until mtv stops airing real world/road rules challenges and giving them thousands of dollars for finding keys in haystacks (that was an actual event in the last challenge).
2. gum in stick form is on the way out. cube form rules.
3. apparently, for any given concert, there are hundreds or even thousands of people that 1) couldn't get tickets and 2) are all over the idea of listening to the band's most popular songs via cell phone.
4. billy crudup is the voice of the mastercard "priceless" commercials. this one really floored me when i figured it out.
5. EVERYONE has one of those damn mp3 players!

one of the 5 above observations is not very inciteful.

Tuesday, March 8, 2005

fortunes

ok, i'm totally stealing this from some comic i saw one time, but it's worth repeating.

i just got a fortune that said "you will bring sunshine into someone's life". wow. really? nostradamus would be proud at how specific and grand your predictions are, oh seer-like fortune cookie.

don't you think it'd be more fun to create fortunes that don't apply to 99.9% of america, but really freak out like 100 people? for example, "steve, you know that guy jeff from accounting? he's got that mustache and he's always talking to everyone about his boat. he's after your job and he's going to sabotage your powerpoint presentation!"

Thursday, March 3, 2005

more apprentice quotes

"This is about business and my business is business."
-Audrey the "breakdown" girl

"It's miniature golf. I know the rules of the game and it's something I have a background in."
-Stephanie the miniature golf project manager

"Those of us that walk away winning win more than just a loss."
-Audrey again after getting fired

if you're not watching, you're missing out, people.

i might be crazy

at the risk of looking like some kind of misguided groupie, i thought i'd try to list out my own personal concert count:

mayer - 16 - 3 in l.a., 2 in tucson, vegas, 7 in the midwest, 3 in phx
guster - 15 - 3 in the northeast, 4 in phx, 4 in the midwest, cinci, l.a., sd, tucson
martin sexton - 6 - 4 in the midwest, 2 in phx
mccain - 7 - 6 in phx, 1 in utah
dashboard - 5 - 4 in phx, 1 in utah
jars of clay - 4 - 2 in phx, 1 in tucson, valencia
maroon 5 - 6 - 3 in the midwest, 2 in phx, 1 in tucson
rockwell church - 3 - philly, san fran, pamona
james taylor - 2 - utah, tucson
pat mcgee band - 2 - phx, phx
blink-182 - 0 - 3 would-be attended concerts cancelled by the band
howie day - 2 - philly, phx
sister hazel - 2 - phx, tucson
counting crows - 2 - l.a., phx
glen phillips - 2 in tucson

1 timers
the hot hot heat
the killers
sting
damien rice
pearl jam
the format
mraz
5 for fighting
scott huckabay
strokes
u2
vertical horizon
boyz II men (hell, yeah!)
hammer
everclear (you heard me)
ben kweller
tina turner
melissa etheridge (tix were free, gimme a break)
amy grant
cindy lauper (opened for tina)
burlap to cashmere
david wilcox
joan osborne
third eye blind
goo goo dolls
b-52s
pete droge and the sinners
matt nathanson
rage against the machine
reel big fish
teitur
treehouse
the badlees
will hoge

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

local news

a blurb i overhead advertising for the 6 o'clock news:

"A streaker on the loose in Scottsdale. Tune in and hear his description."

Ummmmmm, the guy who's showing his penis? maybe? i think i'll skip the news.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

chris from the apprentice strikes again

so we've learned something else about chris besides the fact that he refurbishes homes for a living.

"Sir, I am NOT a homosexual."
-Chris from The Apprentice, once again spoken in the boardroom

Wednesday, February 9, 2005

the monologue

think about the title of this post

hey, host of the family feud, if i'm ever on that show and the other family has 2 strikes, and you tell me "johnson family, be ready to steal", i'm going to stab you. we're ready to steal.

if you're on the price is right and you're bidding to get up on the stage and someone bids X dollars ahead of you, DON'T bid X-25 dollars. i'm begging.

i think if everyone told the truth all the time on tv shows or movies, the average tv episode would be about 5 minutes long and the average movie 15 minutes.

Wednesday, February 2, 2005

Thursday, January 27, 2005

apprentice quotes

episode 2:

"My body is mentally tired. My mind is mentally tired." -Verna who later spent hours walking the earth until Caroline was nice enough to drive around and rescue her from walking the Jersey shore for the rest of her life

"YES, I REFURBISH HOMES FOR A LIVING! THAT IS WHAT I DO!" -The crazy guy who I didn't even know was on the show until he started screaming unprovoked at the second board meeting

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

my sister the instant message comedian

so my sister kellyn (kel in the messages below) was slaying me via instant message yesterday. she starts out commenting on how she didn't like that "lost" didn't win a golden globe for best tv drama.

[16:47] kel: So that was sucky that lost lost to nip tuck
[16:47] kel: lost lost thats fun to say
[16:48] LtotheJizay33: i'm totally lost on the the idea that lost lost
[16:49] kel: yeah when lost lost i was totally lost
[16:50] LtotheJizay33: it was such a loss when lost lost
[16:50] kel: haha ok and were done

-->hysterical laughter point #1

[16:51] LtotheJizay33: that was pretty much unquestionably the funniest thing you've ever written on im
[16:51] kel: really?
[16:51] LtotheJizay33: yeah, the delivery in my head is perfect
[16:52] kel: haha perfect...glad to make tuesday jan 18 memorable
[16:52] LtotheJizay33: mark it down, y'all
[16:52] kel: did you know that in your lifetime you will eat at least 8 spiders while you are sleeping
[16:52] LtotheJizay33: i actually did
[16:52] kel: that is what my snapple jsut told me...grosse
[16:53] LtotheJizay33: and i think that rumor/fact/myth is total BS
[16:53] LtotheJizay33: but it is fun to say to people that are scared of spiders
[16:53] kel: yeah i dont know how they studied that one to come up with the answer
[16:53] LtotheJizay33: and people that are scared of eating
[16:53] kel: yeah haha
[16:53] kel: but i bet you did not that beavers use to be the size of bears
[16:53] kel: that is crazy to think about
[16:54] kel: can imagine the size of their dams?

-->hysterical laughter point #2

[16:54] LtotheJizay33: either i'm slap happy or you are on a gd roll
[16:54] kel: i think im on a roll..im in a goofy mood today
[16:55] kel: glad to be entertaining you in your last leg of work though
[16:58] LtotheJizay33: seriously, jai and i are rolling
[16:58] kel: really?
[16:58] LtotheJizay33: that is crazy to think about .... that's the funny lead in
[16:58] kel: haha yeah...now im laughing
[16:58] LtotheJizay33: yeah, cuz it sounds like you're getting all into it
[16:58] LtotheJizay33: that is CRAZY to think about!?
[16:59] kel: haha...when i first read that fact i was pretty shocked...and some images of brown bear size beavers building dams the size of houses popped into my head
[17:00] kel: they could serisouly kill someone with their tail

-->honestly, you're laughing right now, right?

[17:00] LtotheJizay33: seriously, we have to take your act on the instant message comedy tour
[17:01] kel: ok...it can jsut all be baout snapple facts...it will be great
[17:01] kel: good stuff
[17:05] kel: F bees...now bear sized beavers thats scary s**t
[17:06] LtotheJizay33: lol
[17:06] LtotheJizay33: slapping with their huge tails
[17:07] kel: haha yep...and holdin you hostage in their mansion sized dams

-->this is probably the joke i'm most proud of ... so clever, ridiculous and hilarious ... the hostage thing implies just a ridiculous level of evilness in these beavers and the fact that she tied it back into the size of the dams ... i mean, gd, i'm shedding a little tear of proudness here ... i'm seriously tickled just thinking about how funny this is ... bear sized beavers that build mansion-sized dams and then go kidnap people and tie them up, that's my kind of comedy there

[17:07] LtotheJizay33: seriously, you need to stop
[17:08] kel: haha
[17:09] kel: buck teeth have a whole different meaning to me now

-->pretty good capper

well done, kellyn. well done. welcome to kinko's.

Friday, January 14, 2005

basketball at its finest

i don't think i'll do this very often, but what i always contemplated a team doing this in high school since we didn't have shot clocks either.

hoops, baby

good thing they told me

apple has put out a new very small ipod called 'ipod shuffle'. my first reaction is "meh". that's not what i'm posting about. one of the disclaimers on the web page is a classic. go here and scroll all the way down and check out #2 in small grey print on the left hand column. really? ... i mean, you really had to tell me that?

edit: let it be known that my reaction has been changed from "meh" to "I WANT THAT! WHY NOT ME!?"

2nd edit: #2 used to say "Do not eat Ipod Shuffle." It really said that. I have witnesses.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

ando

if you know my friend ryan anderson, i triple-dog dare you to click on this link and not laugh. ready? go.

www.ryannguitaranderson.com

did you read the quick review? ando's official new nickname is "ice cream for the ears". has a metaphor ever made less sense? cameron crowe's movies have been described as shoe laces for the brain.

Friday, January 7, 2005

last resort

i work in a one story office building. i work in about the middle office, suite 115. i get a call today from a guy who says "i'm trying to call so-and-so company and they're listed as suite 123 in your building. i've been calling and not getting answer. are they still there?" i actually didn't know if there even was a suite 123. i take my cordless phone and walk down there. yep, there is a business in 123 and there are people in there. i contemplate actually walking in and handing them the phone. i tell the guy "yeah, they're in business. i'd say just keep calling."

comments:
firstly, what kind of commerce situation are you in where you are calling a business (in a pretty desperate state apparently) and yet aren't even sure if they're in business? secondly, it seems to me this guy had these thoughts earlier today ... "man, why aren't they answering?! it's possible that i'm just calling an empty room with a phone. i'll call the company next door and make sure i'm not calling an empty room with a phone." thirdly, did he do some kind of reverse phone book look-up by address to get OUR number? last i checked the phone book wasn't organized geographically.

Wednesday, January 5, 2005

self promotion

if you want a vintage t-shirt all about an event you had nothing to do with, check out the shirts i made for our upcoming half-marathon run. feel free to pick one up. you'll be the talk of the town, i'm sure.

music binge

i went on a bit of a music buying binge using this service i've found called allofmp3. i know it looks sketchy but it's legit and you get perfect quality at around 80 cents an album. thanks to my bro lubs for this article which is responsible for most of my purchases. here's what i picked up. i'll come back and review accordingly.

Green Day American Idiot -- i see why it's good, but the genre is lost on me at the present time
Beta Band From Heroes to Zeroes -- little too weird for me
Keane Hopes and Fears -- uh, fine, good ... fine
Phoenix Alphabetical -- my favorite album of the binge, very solid
Razorlight Up All Night -- some good stuff, cool sound
The Futureheads The Futureheads -- only a couple keeper songs
Paul Weller Studio 150 -- old man doing covers ... lost on me
Rogue Wave Out of the Shadow -- it'd be hard for this band to sound more like the shins ... my first instinct: they should have left it to the shins
Mos Def The New Danger -- some great stuff, mos def knows how to pump out the hot beats
SpyMob Sitting Around Keeping Score -- my high hopes for this album were dashed
The Thrills Let's Bottle Bohemia -- cool voice and sound, just doesn't grab me right off the start
Tahiti 80 Wallpaper For The Soul -- not even really close to as good as the other album of theirs that i have
Starsailor Silence Is Easy -- very interesting voice for the lead singer, songs just don't come together for me
Ari Hest Someone To Tell -- not good basically
Jimmy Eat World Static Prevails (1996) -- serious punk from JEW, for me, nowhere near as good as their other 3 albums
D'Angelo Voodoo -- i am really enjoying this album
The Von Bondies Pawn Shoppe Heart -- some great brit punk
Athlete Vehicles & Animals -- a couple really solid tracks mixed with some stuff that i thought was just noisy
Clinic Winchester Cathedral -- not for me at all
The Libertines The Libertines -- i see why they're good, not for me though
The All-American Rejects -- pretty good stuff reminiscent of jimmy eat world
Charlie Mars -- meh, nothing stands out
Tom McRae Just Like Blood -- very cool voice, great singer songwriter
Iron & Wine Our Endless Numbered Days -- totally original sound, great album
Van Hunt Van Hunt -- some great r&b stuff
Ray LaMontagne Trouble -- another awesome voice, "trouble" is awesome

to my knowledge, my bro lubbers bought the following so i'll steal these from him and then review later:
the coral
camper von beethoven
danger mouse

Monday, January 3, 2005

happily pissing off strangers

so i play fantasy football. if you don't know, ask me some time. anyway, i play in free leagues against total strangers on yahoo just for kicks. and in those stranger leagues, you can do live drafts that involve chat. so in one of my leagues, my team name was "bruce dickinson" name after a character played by christopher walken in the ridiculously funny cowbell sketch.

anyway, during the live draft, this retard going with the uber-geek team name of SkyforceXXXIX announces "get ready for this sleeper" using the chat and then selects joey harrington. if you don't realize how retarded this is, let me just tell you that choosing joey harrington (a quarterback who starts on a highly offensive team) is the furthest thing from a sleeper. this is equivalent to me walking into a meeting at rolling stone magazine and announcing "you guys have to listen to this band ... they're kinda old, but they're awesome ... the BEATLES! really, check 'em out they're AWESOME!" okay, maybe that's hyperbole, but it's close.

so i make no secret of how idiotic this kid is and how harrington was in no way a sleeper pick. the kid gets more and more flustered and eventually resorts to "just play your team, ok?" of course, at this point, i love that i'm getting to this kid and respond with "no thanks, i'll play yours."

anyway, once the season starts, you can post messages that can be viewed by the whole league. here's a log of the crap-talking that went on in this league filled with people that have never nor will ever see each other in their life:

1. after KILLING skyforce in our first head to head match up.
skyforce?!
by: Bruce Dickinson (lukejohnson33) Sep 12 4:35pm
skyforce,

say it ain't so. i DID NOT just put up 102 on you. i refuse to believe ... with all your awesome sleepers, how could i have done it?


2. response from skyforce
Bruce
by: SkyforceXXXIX (packerholic_4) Sep 13 11:58am
You had an abnormal week and you're rubbing it in my face. I didn't claim to know all about football. I just reported what I read in FF magazines. If you look at my team, you'll see if I had played Brady and Dunn instead, it would have been a lot closer. Who could have predicted McCalister would only rush for 50 some yards and the Chief offense would lay an egg against Denver.

The first week is always a toss-up. What matters is the end of the season. It looks to me that all you proved this week is that you're a bad winner. Despite your mouth, I still hope to have fun this season and I still wish everyone best of luck... even you.


3. my response to skyforce's response
skyforce for president
by: Bruce Dickinson (lukejohnson33) Sep 13 7:34pm
if y'all didn't read skyforce's last post ... it is epic. i nearly cried.


4. skyforce's response to my response to skyforce's response
Bruce for Jim Rome impersonator
by: SkyforceXXXIX (packerholic_4) Sep 17 2:17pm
I take it by your lame response that I hit a nerve.
"It was a phenomenal response. Epic!! I'm out. Rack-um."


5. random post by me after being undefeated 6 games into the season
...
by: Bruce Dickinson (lukejohnson33) Sep 28 8:40am
...

really, with my record, do i even need to say anything?


6. other people start jumping on the "we hate bruce" bandwagon. this message was posted after i beat another team in the league to stay undefeated.
Good Grief!!
by: Dickie's Boys (dickiepoo22000) Oct 4 6:54am
Two players with goose eggs and a kicker with only an extra point... merry xmas Mr. Dickinson!


notice that they actually seem to think my name is bruce dickinson. "i gotta get more cowbell on that track."

7. my response to dickie's boys:
griefy
by: Bruce Dickinson (lukejohnson33) Oct 4 8:05am
uuuuum ... booyah?


8. another person laments not being able to beat me:
Geez
by: Flint Cheeky Monkeys (plaguebearer666) Nov 1 5:37pm
It would have been nice if my team would have shown up for the game.


9. my response to the flinty cheeky monkeys. probably the one i'm most proud of:
flinty
by: Bruce Dickinson (lukejohnson33) Nov 5 9:19am
i think it is necessary to change your name from flinty cheesy monkeys to "i only scored 14 points in week 8"


10. and the finishing piece ... totally un-provoked crap talking from a team called the buzzkillers. i really had the whole league on tilt.
DOWN TO "BRUCE DICK"!
by: Buzzkillers (msfrey1974) Dec 13 2:24pm
GOOD LUCK TO WHOEVER PLAYS BRUCE THE SH@# TALKER. PENDING ALL MY INJURIES YOUR LUCKY I DID NOT MAKE IT TO THE PLAYOFFS BUD. REMEMBER I STOMPED YOU WHEN WE PLAYED LAST. I FEEL YOU WILL LOSE AND I WILL LOVE EVERY MINUTE OF IT. THERE IS NOTHING LIKE WATCHING SHI# TALKERS GO DOWN!!!


sadly at this point i was not paying any attention to the league or else i really would have laid into this one. i just discovered this post today after the league had ended. after all was said, 15 out of 19 public messages were about me or me talking $hi#. i ended up taking third due to complete neglect. the season was obviously a W for me though considering how many of these kids i had put on tilt strictly through draft chat and message boards.

"i've got a fever and the only prescription is putting more random strangers on tilt over absolutely nothing."