Thursday, April 7, 2005

prove me wrong

hopefully this will be as neurotic of a post as i make on this thing. here goes.

i have driven a lot of miles on u.s. freeways. in probably 100,000 miles, i've had some time to observe my fellow motorists. i've done so much observing that i've learned how to control their minds. and i want to teach you how to control them too. i do this to people all the time.

here's the scenario. i'm coming up behind a car that's passing a semi or another car. take note of the speeds.

at this point, the moron motorist or mm as we'll call him sees me in his rear view. he proclaims "this is my lane and i'll take as long as i want to pass this semi" so he slows down.

at these speeds, it takes about 5 minutes to pass this semi, but eventually mm has to do it. he's cleared the semi and he has to move into the right lane. but the drama isn't over yet. mm switches from territoriality mode to race mode! this is where it gets exciting.

he speeds up to faster than i had been going prior to the 5 minute pass! so i have to pull a jeff gordon in order to overtake him.

pay attention. here it is. this is the crucial moment. are you listening? when my car gets to a certain point in relation to his car, that controlling minds thing i was taking about happens. i can't explain why it happens, but suddenly i can control how fast his car goes. slow down to 80, speed up to 83, slow down to 70, our position on the road relative to each other does not change.

let me repeat myself:

in case you couldn't tell, i'm worked up. what the f, people?! this is the guy that was going 85 of his own free will just moments ago. what is going on in this man's head? it's like i've locked in a tractor beam on the dude's car. this is not a joke. i have done this many many times. the only way i can get him off me is to lull him to sleep at 70 and then step hard on the gas and finally release him from the apparent trance he's in.

so there ya go. that's what i've taken from 100,000 miles of driving. and it's my gift to you. go out and try it for yourself.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I think this is the most agitated I've ever seen/read you. The frantic drawings only add to it.