Monday, May 12, 2008

The Bachelor Diaries, Week 9, The Finale

Well, it's finale time. We've come so far ... or have we? Does anyone else feel like nothing really happened this season? I think we could sum up this season by saying a) everyone hated Robin, b) Marshana is mad, and c) little 22-year old Shayne Lamas has this thing in the bag. Right? Or maybe that's not the right way of looking at it. Maybe it's that Chelsea does not have it in the bag. Let's not forget that, up until she stripped down, she was being out-dated by a turtle. A sea turtle at that. So let's watch this thing play out. And I suppose that, if Chelsea wins, well then, Matt will have beaten out Big Swayze after all cuz it will be the most surprsing finale in Bachelor history. Eat it, Harrison.

Oh and I should probably mention that this is a now recurring segment (renewed for a 2nd season!) where I watch the glory that is the ABC reality show The Bachelor and then record my snarky comments about the episode onto this here blog thingy. That's all there is to it. With that said ...
  • I almost forgot. This episode features meet the Rosy Reds. You think they all walk funny like him?
  • Matt says "possibilities are endless with Chelsea?" Is that a compliment if you're a lady? Clearly if he said possibilities are not endless, that'd be an anti-compliment of sorts, but aren't the possibilities endless with every girl you're considering marrying? Am I overthinking this? Probably.
  • Knee jerk reaction: I'm a big fan of Tony. Tony the Dad. Mr. Rosy Reds if you will.
  • Glowing review from Chelsea as she describes her relationship with Matt: "Wow, this guy's somebody I want to get to know." I think the turtle could provide a better compliment by just slowly moving its flipper.
  • Boooooooo. Chelsea and Mum are boring. More Tony!
  • Matt and Chelsea exchange a "honey" and a "baby" and that's that. Apparently it all went really well according to Matt. I really hadn't noticed it going one way or the other.
  • Oh crap. 2 hour Bachelorette premiere with Newnan next Monday. I really don't know what to do.
  • Shayne arrives and, on the bus ride, we get a nice shot of [gasp] intertwined hand holding. Not looking good, Chelss. Not lookin' good.
  • Tony! Tony speaks! She's 22, Tony. Good question, sir.
  • Is there something to be taken from the fact that they switched sides for dinner? Chelsea and Matt sat on stage right. Shayne and Matt said on stage left.
  • They're dropping my favorite somber music during Shayne's one on one with the brother. Call me confused. What is this supposed to mean?
  • I'll gloss past another boring Mom conversation and say ... dang, Shayne, that is an f'ing HUGE watch. Wow. Quite the giant time piece you've got there.
  • Tony picks Shayne! Tony picks Shayne! Tony picks Shayne! Tony picks Shayne! Woo hooooooo! Tonyyyyyyyyyy! I like Tony.
  • Back to Barbaydawssss? Seriously? Oh! Maybe Rosy Reds decided he likes the turtle after all.
  • What the hell? Did Matt and Chelsea just greet each other with a high ten? Marry that girl, dude. There's only so many girls that are down with the high ten.
  • "Tonight is my last night tooooo ... really slut it up with Matt," says Chelsea. Wait, that's not what she said. She said something else.
  • Wow, okay, so Chelsea just said a lot ... but pretty much said nothing. And then, clumsily threw a hail mary by saying "My whole thing is ... so I'm falling in love with you. Absolutely. 100%." Chelsea's really good at expressing herself.
  • Matt then returns Chelsea's sentiments (huh?) before kissing her on the tip of her nose. Holy crap, Matt actually likes her. I fully don't get it.
  • Shayne comes in with the monkey hug. That's how you do it. No high tens. Honestly.
  • Matt gets in his trademark "how cool is that?" at the thought of parasailing. I can't believe that I STILL miss Big Swayze.
  • Also worth noting ... both Chelsea and Shayne said "are you serious?" in response to their respective helicopter and parasailing rides. Yes, ladies, Matt's serious. He's a very serious fellow.
  • Is Shayne's present her flower? Stop building it up. What the hell is it? Oh. It's a photo of Shayne writing "LOVE" in the sand. Pretty good I guess. She really had me thinking it was something else, though.
  • How many hours per day does Matt wear a zip up only for his top? Seems like he's over the average for your typical male.
  • It's time for the getting-ready montage. Lips are pouty on both sides. Shayne goes with yellow. Chelsea goes with white or off white or some shade of white.
  • Chelsea's the first out of the limo. I wonder if Chelsea just fell in love with Harrison considering that 30 seconds of arm linking on the walk over. Harrison knows how to charm 'em.
  • Rosy Reds starts off positive. Not a good sign, Chelss. Here comes the "but".
  • Sorry, Chelss. Suxors, dude. How 'bout you make some eye contact here? Nah? Nah. Okay. Fine.
  • Hand holding on the way out. You've come a long way, Chelsea.
  • Woah! Chelsea calls Shayne "the falsest person here." Nice last jab, but dang Matt fires back with a "then you don't know me." Ouch.
  • Chelsea says in the limo maybe she was too honest with Matt. Good call. Maybe she should have been falser.
  • Let's recap Shayne's emotions during her walk with Harrison: Nervous - check. Sad - check. Scared - check. Anxious - check. Worried - nah. A little worried - check.
  • Also she gets in her final trademark 3. Words. Consecutively. With Pauses. Between. Each. One. "Matt holds Every. Single. Quality. That I want in a husband."
  • Again with the switcharoo. What's the deal? Matt goes stage left for the proposal after being stage right for the rejection.
  • Shoot me in the face. I feel like a woman for watching this right now. The dude just said "There's been kisses. There's been monkey." Gah.
  • Shayne's "Matt!" as he drops to one knee is too much for me. I'm not happy with the TV viewing choices I've made in my life right now.
  • "Monkey, will you marry me?" This show is horrible. I kinda hate myself right now.
  • Oh! Oh Big Swayze. Oh I feel so much better. Oh just look at him setting up Newnan for the biggest fall of her life. Man, that guy knew what was up. He couldn't bother with any of this "Monkey, will you marry me" crap. He's too busy running drugs and being a pimp in the back of his 4 bars in Texas. I miss ya, Swayze!
  • I honestly feel totally redeemed after that Swayze montage. Deep breath. And we're back.
  • Fine. I'll say it. Newnan looks pretty damn good.
Well, there ya have it. I guess they're skipping the reunion in favor of Newnan's premiere. Matt had to go for one of the 10 22-year olds he had in the running. Congrats to you, Lamas. You're in love and Matt loves you back. I couldn't be more ... unsurprised. Remember this, Matt. When you're married to Lamas, Lamas is also your father in law. That's gonna factor in here somewhere down the line. Oh and I just remembered Shayne's mom. Maybe you should have gone with the arm linker, Matt. Or the turtle. 'Til next time, y'all.

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