The Bachelor Diaries - The Jason Edition - Episode 5

After a 10 minute break to collect myself and realize I'm going to Hell for not saying a single nice think about Nikki, I'm back.  Who's up for casual making out ... now with Ty sleeping in the next room?  Bonus!

• Nervous Texas keeps all her roses in a zip lock baggy?  I'm not only NOT weirded out by this, but I'm amazed it took this many seasons to see it.  Every chick on the show ever has done this, right?
• I'm 14 minutes in and this is all I've got.  It's the most boring episode of The Bachelor ever!
• When Nervous Texas asked if she could bring her stretchy pants, I couldn't help but think of this.  
• Never before have 4 girls been jealous of a girl who drove herself to a dude's house, did the dishes and then sat on the couch waiting.
• I think Stephanie is wearing a white fur vest hoodie ... for those times when your arms are warm, your chest is cold, and you know you won't be coming in contact with any PETA types.
• A blind kissing test?  We've reached new heights in casual kissing for The Bachelor.  
• And then he nails the test?  As a woman, are you happy or pissed that he knows your kiss and 2 other woman's kisses that well?
• They're openly (and amicably) discussing their jealousies of the other girls?  It's weirding me out.  Apparently Nikki took all the cat claws with her when she left the show.
• Jillian really says "aboot".  I'm having a hard time speculating how I'd feel about being face to face with the #1 go-to Canadian dialect cliche.
• When Jason asks "if we go to your hometown, who would I meet?" ... I mean, you're in, right.  He may as well have just given you a rose, no?
• Did Naomi the flight attendant from Carlsbad, CA just pull out "un poquito"?  
• I really should have an "amazing" count going with Jason.  He's picked up on The Bachelor tradition.  
• Wow, Naomi really liked her date.  Single-prop planes and rock walls are the key to Naomi's heart.  Either that or she's so desperate for a 1-on-1 date that she would have taken a trip to Taco Bell and reruns of Carpoolers.
• This season is suddenly from the twilight zone.  Four of the ladies are sitting in the bathroom drinking beer and (again) amicably discussing all of their pros and cons when it comes to landing Jason.  I bet the producers are pissed.
• I'm glad that Jill and Jason got scones and lattes prior to just chatting and making out the entire time.
• Seriously, what is with that shirt/tie, Jason?  It looks like "Pink Elephants on Parade" ... except more psychadelic.
• Okay, I'll say it.  I will happily date Jill, Melissa or Molly if Jason guns them down.  Am I wrong or are they all generally the bee's knees?  See?  This season just turned crazy.  I'm talking about how much I LIKE the girls ... 3 of them!
• Seriously, they're cheering each other on DURING the rose ceremony!  Up is down.  Down is up.  This season on The Bachelor: Anarchy Reigns!
• Since I'm bored, have you heard Christian Bale's freak out?  And the remix that followed?  Masterpieces both, says I.
• Awwwww, sorry, Steph.  You got the boot.  But hey at least he got your hopes up by saying yours was the best date he went on!  Misdirection FTW!
• Okay, even I'll give it up.  The chick is amazing ... if only for genuinely saying thank you to the most ridiculous compliment-while-being-dumped ever: "You're the most amazing person I've ever met."  Yeah, clearly, Jason.
• Please!  Someone at least mention the shirt/tie.  It's like the circus puked all over his chest, right?
• It's official, Stephanie the Medical Marketing Manager from Huntsville, AL, you have the best outlook on life ever.  You are ... the anti-Nikki.

Wow, next week (and by next week I mean tomorrow) is looking up.  Thank you, Naomi's crazy mom and her dead dove that is in need of a wake.

P.S. This is officially the bizarro-season.  The outtro just showed two of the girls re-enacting the Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene.  There are no cat claws, the girls cheer each other on, and the girl that got the boot just left with more dignity than she came in with!  What is going on!?

The Bachelor Diaries - The Jason Edition - Episode 4

Well here I am after putting in a crap load of hours at work over the last month.  I was ready to do a marathon and get all caught up before I discovered that neither my DVR nor ABC.com has the week 3 episode available ... so we're jumping straight to week 4.

Let's start off by seeing what I missed.  I'm guessing a combination of kissing and cat claws ... hopefully not at the same time.

• Nervous Texas had a breast reduction?  I have no idea what that means.  I mean, I understand the effect of the procedure that she took.  But I don't know what that means.  Ya know?  (what I mean?)
• Woah! Natalie just said that only the big man upstairs is eligible to not be attracted to her?  Wow.  Unrelated note: have you ever heard someone say something not conceited after saying "I don't mean to sound conceited"?  No.  It's the one guarantee that you are about to hear something COMPLETELY conceited.
• Looks like Stick-Up-Her-Butt girl is maintaining the status quo.  Well done.  I can appreciate consistency.
• Beyond all that, it looks like I missed some boobie silhouettes.  Shoot.

Aaaaaaand I'm all caught up.

• So apparently we have a new tradition: the on-the-spot-song.  Great.
• What's this?  Control freak girl has trouble thinking quickly and potentially embarrassing herself?  Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhocking.
• By the way, Lauren saying she knows a little about making music ... you could say that (or you could let her MySpace account do the talking for you).
• Seriously, is there anything likeable about Nikki?  "That 2-on-1 date is like death."  Good times, Nikki.
• Am I the only one who laughed when Nikki said "I literally want to cry" as the started crying?  Next time, you can just start crying.  We get the picture.
• Molly was loaned some of Jason's comfy clothes ... which is apparently exactly her style.  Which style is that exactly?  Loaner clothes?  Dude clothes?  Comfy clothes?  You like comfy clothes, Molly?  A recent study revealed that 83% of people prefer clothes that are as rigid, itchy and awkward-fitting as possible.  Weirdo.
• "First girl in bachelor history to have the walk of shame."  I can appreciate owning up to that.
• Side note: why didn't Molly get her clothes before going home?  Couldn't swing by the closet on the way from the tent to the car?
• Wait. I missed out on the Tooth Nazi talking to Jason while crying and vomiting?  How did that scene not make the recap?
• Man, it would have really been something to hit Nikki with improv singing and improv acting gigs back to back.  Even though I'm looking forward to "death" on the 2-on-1 date, this would have been great too.
• I'll say it again.  Stick-up-her-butt lacrosse coach is twenty-fracking-five years old?  I can't comprehend.  Can we do some research on her Danny Almonte style?
• Oh!  Jip.  The "couple of hoo-errs" line is scripted?  I was excited to see that unfold.
• "Feels like a real Hollywood set" you say, Jason?  Probably because it is an ACTUAL Hollywood set, dude.
• Nervous Texas says "I think Naomi got to kiss Jason about 11 times in their scene and it got harder and harder and harder ..."  That's what she said ... "to watch."  Oh, you ruined it.
• Seriously, try to process this.  Nervous Texas and Stick-Up-Her-Butt are the same age.  Not possible.
• I really appreciate the cut back to the house so that Nikki can start crying about nothing.  It had been about 4 minutes.  The girl has a skill.  She can turn anything into a weepy pity party.  2-on-1 date?  Death.  11 year relationship?  Should be married with a kid by now.  Basket full of kittens?  They'll die some day.  
• Perfect response to "I only want the rose if you wanna give it to me." ... "I hear you."  I mean, you can't argue with that.  Let's go the judges: 9, 9.5, 10, 9, and an precedented 10 from the German judge.  A near-perfect score in the medal round of Question Dodging.
• Holy crap.  There's 40 minutes left in this episode?  I'm kinda glad I missed week 3.
• I actually feel bad for the Tooth Nazi.  Watching a woman totally break down ... not good times.  At least she was keen enough to realize she just got rejected.
• OMG Nikki is a downer!  I can't imagine that there's even an ounce of fun to be had with this girl.  "Get ready to dance the night away!" ... "yay."  Shoot me in the face.  And I'm just watching her on TV.  Can you imagine dating her?
• Remember, ladies, if you're looking for a dude that stays in the box, Jason is not your guy.  Don't look at me.  He said it.   Unrelated rant: the metaphorical "box" is more played out than the metaphorical "end of the day".  There is no box any more, people.  The box is gone.  No one is thinking IN the box anymore.  Hence, thinking out of the box has lost all meaning.  Just end it.
• My mind was just blown.  Apparently dancing (of all things) is a good metaphor for a relationship.  I'm having trouble following along, but apparently in both dancing and relationships ... sometimes you lead ... and sometimes ... you FOLLOW?  Huh?  I think this dance coach is some kind of transcendent mind because I'm usually pretty quick to pick up on stuff like this, but ... leading AND following?  In both dancing AND relationships?  Too clever for me.
• One thing Nikki has going for her: she can do choreographed dancing!  And all she needs is ... (wait for it) ... weeks or flipping MONTHS to prepare.  Talented AND fun loving?  I just can't get enough of this girl!
• Nikki takes a whole new angle on desperation.  She pretty much just said that Stephanie should be taken out of the running because she already had a husband.  Dead or not.  A husband is still a husband.  And once you have one, you gotsta move to the back of the line, girlfriend!  How can Jason NOT just propose to this girl right now?
• In case all my ridiculous conclusions and capital letters haven't made it obvious, re-read my last few posts out loud while applying the most sarcastic tone you could possibly imagine.  Hell, read everything in a super sarcastic tone.  It's more fun that way anyway.
• You'd think I'd be happy now that Nikki got the boot, but I'm even more angry.  "You should never ever change?"  Yes, you should.  "I loved it.  Every minute of it."  No, you didn't.  Are both of these people taking crazy pills!?
• This is unreal.  She won't stop.  "I don't know how much smarter I could get or how much prettier I could get?"  A) Yeah, he dumped you because of your lack of intelligence.  If you had just known the answer to 14-across in the Sunday crossword, you'd still be in here.  Next time, I'm sure you'll hit the vocab harder and land your true love!  B) How can you be this conceited whilst being dumped?  You don't know HOW you can get smarter?  Are you actually trying to say you have nothing left to learn?  100% unlikeable.  Nikki.
• Okay, enough with Nikki.  Back to ripping on Jason.  How is he seriously into Stephanie while also being into chicks like Lauren and Melissa?  I can't imagine more different females.
• Okay, is Jason the biggest mack (aka man-whore) that The Bachelor has ever known?  Kissing at the end of one-on-one dates used to be a big deal.  This dude makes out with each and every girl at the rose ceremony!  I can't figure out how I feel about this.
• I don't know what to say about Lauren other than ... her approach to this show is unprecedented ... Don't bother asking, just TELL the dude what to say, think, feel and do.  It's bizarre.  Again, I don't know how to react.
• Harrison!  Where ya been all episode, buddy?  Maybe your presence could have saved me from spending 90% of this blog ripping on a girl I don't even know.  
• "Ladies, Jason, in case you have the short term memory of the guy from Memento, in the last 90 seconds, you handed out 2 of the 3 roses you have to hand out ... so this is your last one.  3 minus 2 equals 1.  Got it?  Awesome."
• How about this ... Jason takes a page from Big Swayze's book and rejects them all  I'll admit it.  I didn't see it coming.
• All of their departures were unremarkable ... which I guess is remarkable since the Tooth Nazi was primed for a freak out for sure.

Next week, Jason wears the worst tie/shirt combo in Bachelor history.  Yet ANOTHER page stolen from Big Swayze.  How dare he.

The Bachelorette Musings, The Finale and After the Final Rose

Well, I'm nearly 29 and this is my Monday night. I'm prepared to watch 3 f'ing hours of DeAnna, Jesse and Jason. Son of a b. Sorry to use harsh ... letters, but I mean ... with nights like this ... can't wait for 30! You know what they say? 30 is the new 20 (year old sorority girl). Oh me oh my I am lacking in masculinity ... OKAY onto the show!

• So we start with a recap which featured Jason saying "I never expected to meet someone like DeAnna." Right. You expected to meet DeAnna exactly ... which you did. Don't they know who the b'lette is when they submit their app? No?
• Holy crap, we're actually in Newnan. Nnnnnnnnnewnan!
• So DeAnna's sister ... uh ... she looks ... not like DeAnna.
• Why is Newnan sitting on the couch with her feet just barely hovering off the ground? Is she that tiny or did they buy their couch from the mad hatter?
• Ah, the Pappas' reminiscing about Big Swayze ... good times.
• Jason, in reflecting about Newnan, says "my feelings grow 100% probably every day." Probably. Some days it's only 87%. Other days 120%. But it probably averages out to 100 so we're cool.
• Does Mr. Pappas rock a cane? Or is he just going to beat Jason with it if he pulls a Big Swayze?
• OH! It wasn't a cane, it was a golf club ... that he uses in his front yard. Work on that short game, Big Pappas.
• Big Pappas says Jason is "a gem of a guy." He went on to say that Jason is outrageous, truly truly truly outrageous.
• Onto Jesse's in-house session and he's getting grilled compared to Jason. Apparently being a snowboarder is much much worse than being a divorced single dad. I'm not saying either is worse than the other. I'm just saying take it easy on my boy Jesse. Equal opportunity grilling, please.
  
• Big Pappas says "I have a nephew that's 6'5" 300 lbs. and we'll come hunt you down." Jesse's response: "Nice." Honestly what else CAN you say to something like that? You're my boy, Jesse!
• Oh no! Jesse didn't ask the permission. Safe to say he didn't kill it. Didn't kill it.
• Hyperbole is back! Harrison says "it's the most awkward family visit ever." Good times.
• Wow, so I don't think I heard her right but apparently the extended family visits involves meeting Zhahj, Yaya, Papoo and Uncle Blue Tarp. Or Clutark. Or Flulark. And of course Tina. There's always a Tina.
• So Jesse shows up and then Jason shows up and we basically have this on our hands.
• Just what this season needed ... another big ladle full of awkward sauce. Jason, DeAnna and Jesse on the same couch in front of Yaya and Papoo and Tina. Drink it in, everyone. It's probably our last helping.
• Jesse shows Yaya and Papoo how to "blow it up". Good times. Later he shows them how to huck a rodeo hambone steal grind! There was one casualty, but trust me, it was worth it ... and rad.
• Yaya chooses Jason?! What the gd? He didn't show you how to blow it up!
• Well at least Jesse is killin' it with the sister and sis-in-law while Yaya and Papoo are fawning over Jason. Killed it with the sisters!
  
• Wow, let's hear it for the music director. As Jesse asks for Big Pappas' blessing, there is a dramatic crescendo, a pause and then a laid back acoustic guitar jam as Pappas grants his blessing. Listen closely, everyone. Those smooth acoustic notes are telling you everything's gonna be okay.
• And then Jesse and Big Pappas nug! AND blow it up! Oh man, he killed it! Killed it! You're my boy, Jesse! Eat that, Yaya!
• DeAnna, really? You really want this guy? Really?
• Yaya goes nugs with Jesse again? Don't do it, Jesse. She's disloyal. She's a traitor to the code of the nugs.
• Well, looks like the sisters are traitors too. They're all up on Jason despite Jesse killin' it with both of them. Not lookin' good for my boy.
• So Jeremy comes back. Looks like that previous helping of awkward wasn't our last. We get a big awkward double fudge sundae with awkward sauce sprinkled with awkward cherries! And two awkward spoons!
• Once again Jeremy and DeAnna are the most boring couple ever. I'm fast forwarding. She's rejecting him yet again. Nice work, Newnan.
• Okay, the 2-hour format is not helping here. Jesse and DeAnna get their own island. Jesse gives DeAnna a memory book. Jesse READS her the book out loud. We get it. It's great. It's wonderful. They like each other a lot.
• Just noticed they changed the bachelorette logo so that the "O" is a diamond ring. Nice touch, ABC.
• Jason and Newnan go scuba diving with sharks on their date. Get it? It's a metaphor for their whole relationship. The ocean is the format of the show: very difficult to navigate without mouthfuls of awkward salt water. The sharks are the other bachelors, specifically Greg the Coyotes guy. And the self contained underwater breathing apparatus is Chris Harrison: necessary to the show, but annoying and tough to get used to. Nah! I'm just kidding, Harrison. Lova ya, buddy!
• And then this dude makes DeAnna a flipping board game. Let me guess what it's called. CandyLAME! No, wait. Chutes and LAMERS! No no no. SORRY, I'm a Tool. Stretch on the last one? Okay.
  
• So the dudes pick out their respective rings and I get how it's special and all ... I guess. But honestly, is there a ring that one guy could pick out that would cause DeAnna to say "Hmmm, you know what? Nah. I can't be with a guy that picks that ugly giant diamond." What's that? I'm totally insensitive? Dang it.
• Also, Jesse has cut off a chunk of his hair since the start, no?
• While we're here, Jesse is rocking some emotions. Near hurling at the ring choosing and crying in the confessional. We've come a long way from the 3-step hand shake at the start.
  
• Well, Jason is the first out of the limo. The show's history tells us this is typically a bad sign for Jason and a gnarly/rad sign for Jesse. Jason is also wearing an orange tie.
  
• Man, DeAnna is cold as ICE! Jason drops to a knee and before he can even say a word, she says "no". Big Swayze taught her well.
• Can't believe Jesse killed it! He killed it! Check my quote from this entry: "Do you think Newnan knows what it means to 'shred the gnar'? Me neither." I sit corrected, Newnan. I sit corrected.
• Also this proves that being first out of the limo means doom on all incarnations of this show.
• What the hell is up with the switching of sides after the rejection? It's happened before and it happened just now. Newnan lines up on the right for the rejection and lines up on the left for Jesse. Bizarre, I say.
• Well, Newnan does NOT pull a Big Swayze and she accepts the MADE coach's proposal. Killed it.
• You know, the music montage was cheeseball, but I remember that it's not as bad as all that monkey talk during the last finale we saw.
• Nugs, Jesse. Blow it up. Can't believe I watched the whole damn season. F.

Onto The Bachelorette: After the Final Rose. I mean, why the hell not? Right?

• There seem to be quite a few more dudes in tonight's audience.
• DeAnna and Jason chat and it all actually seems to conclude pretty dang well. Good work, all.
• We're 25 minutes in on my 3rd bullet point. Clearly this is some gripping TV.
• Well if it isn't Matt and Shane (aka Monkey) ... and Lamas is wearing a giant ass belt. I've seen some belts in my day, but wow. That is an undercarriage for the ages.
• Man, that Matt/Lamas season really blew. This montage can't end fast enough. F it. I'm fast-forwarding. I can't handle it.
• I guess we should speculate on the "surprise" announcement ... I'll be obvious and say preggers? I mean, that'd be something. But it's probably something lame like "we're moving to Denver!" or "DeAnna bought a snowboard!"
  
• One entire (ly non-gripping) segment later and we get the announcement. They set a date. Let's all say it: fannnnnnnnnntastic.

Well, that last hour brought the show to a screeching halt. And then dragged out that screech for another hour. Shoot me in the face. "Hi, I'm ABC and we have ZERO summer programming." Nice to meet you, ABC. Good luck filling your Mondays now!

P.S. Hi, Big Swayze. You're still awesome.

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The Bachelorette Musings, DeAnna Meets the Families

Sup. Yes, I'm back. I figured I've come this far. Let the gradual erosion of my man card continue!

This week DeAnna will head home to meet the dudes' families. Some seem to call them the hometown dates. But not so fast! ABC has 2 hours to fill so they do a longish recap of each of the remaining dudes. Again with the 2 hours, ABC? I know it's summer and all, but there's something to be said for good, concise television.

• My one note from the recap - Jesse gave DeAnna the 3-step hand shake when he first met her. Now that's a dude right there.
• We're in Breckenridge! Gnarrrrrrrrrr! That jump was EPIC!!!!! Jesse's killin' it! Shred the gnar! Epic curl grind hip switch nut bolt! EPIC!!!!!
  
• Jesse actually said "DeAnna killed it." in the confessional. I love this guy. You're my boy, Jesse!
• He should kiss her while hucking a switch 520 fishbone. Ya knowwwwww!? Jerry!?!
  
• Newnan and Jesse just had a really long conversation. I didn't hear a word of it. I think they both said "big deal". Snooze fest. Get out there and shred the backbone split switch foot!!!!!
• The dude ends the segment by giving a piggy back ride while shredding. He killed it. He killed that piggy back ride!!! EPIC!!!
• Okay I'm done.
• Jesse says he hasn't kissed Newnan yet becuase he wants to build a strong foundationship to their relationship. Or something like that. I like rhyming.
  
• I'll say it. Jesse's house is very appealing to me. Lots of giant TVs. Lots of movies and such. Clean as hell. You're my boy, Jesse!
• Hey Jesse and Dad, stop talking about palm sweat. You're on TV.
• Bolo ties. Jesse's dad is gonna bring 'em back. Just look at how awesome that thing is.
  
• I like carriage rides cuz they give me a chance to sing the Beefarino jingle. I'm really keen-o on Beefarino. What a delicious cuisine-o. What? No Seinfeld fans?
• Jesse finally kisses Newnan. Dare I say ... killed it? Killed it.
• Onto what's his name's date. I honestly can't think of his name right now. Jeremy! That's it.
  
• Cool dog, dude. You're still a douche.
• Ugh. We're watching them look at pictures. Could this be more boring? (Yes, sometimes I morph into Chandler Bing. And yes, that's two 90s NBC comedy references in one bach blog.)
• I just fast-forwarded through the rest of their couch time. And even that took forever.
• Back from commercial ... and they're STILL on the couch talking. Enough!
• Finally the family arrives and saves me. Wait. Nevermind, I'm still super bored. This is the boring life you're in for, Newnan ... if you pick Jeremy.
• So, uh, like, Jeremy's bros didn't go with Jeremy on the day he got his gym membership or what? Or is he adopted? Is that what I missed when I fast forwarded?
  
• The 3 bros are talking and the physical difference among the 3 of them is all I can think about. I can see how the 2 bros look identical. But Jeremy is not even close to looking like them. Weird beard.
• Okay, there was a great moment as Newnan and the bros start talking. Crazy awkward moment as they all try to figure out where to sit. Roll it back if you can. One bro sits, stands, then sits again, then almost stands again ... but then settles in.
• Even I'm uncomfortable with how close the bros are sitting. You guys ever heard of a buffer?
• Did Newnan just say sweaty palms too? What the hell?
• This date is in Texas, right? That must be why Newnan is turning ON the southern accent. Ease back there, McConaughey.
• On to Jason's date.
• DeAnna, WTF. You don't know what the space needle is?
• Ok, seriously, really, DeAnna? Really? Space needle on a crappy Seattle day? Most beautiful view ever? Really? I can clearly see it's windy as all hell too. I don't appreciate non-ironic hyperbole, Newnan. I do not.
• The Jason/Ty reunion is too much.
• Side question: golf ball? Huh? Notice that Ty is not calling it the best gift ever.
  
• I have nothing funny to say about Jason's family. They all seem very nice and reasonable. And they don't have cat claws unlike Jeremy's bros.
• Wait, I spoke too soon ... the opa! circle and leap frog session just went down.
• I watch this during most of DeAnna and Dad's convo. Much more entertaining.
• And we're in Raleigh for Graham's date. We really could have done this in 1 hour instead of 2, ABC.
• Wait. Can I go somewhere to buy a high school basketball jersey from my high school? Will mine have a GIANT American flag on it? Go Firebirds!  And go America, too.
• Graham had his stupid hat in his back pocket this whole time? What is with that hat? Is there a story here we don't know about? Normal dudes do not have such an affinity for single articles of clothing.
• Another snoozefest of a family meet up. Except for when Dad says that DeAnna talks too fast for being from Georgia. I have no idea just what exactly that comment means, but I like it.
• So, when Graham and Newnan go sit on the bench, 2 questions. 1) Is Graham drinking a red bull and vodka? Good times. 2) What's your deal, Graham? You're weird.
• So does it mean anything that DeAnna chose 2 dudes that are only children and 2 other dudes with pretty good size families? No? Yeah, probably.
• Coming into the rose ceremony, DeAnna says "we're fixin' to go from 4 guys to 3." Fixin'? Fixin', Newnan? What the f, dude?
• Harrison, don't say "my man". 1) It's not you and 2) you're not scoring any points with Jesse. He knows who you are. We all do. You're not a "my man" kinda guy.
• Harrison addresses the dudes and says "One of you will be going home tonight. Well, technically all of you will go home tonight ... since the format of the show calls for you to go home and then individually fly to Georgia visit DeAnna's family, but, uh, you know what I mean." Or maybe he only said the first part.
  
• DeAnna's first short dress of the season. Hmmmm.
• Jesse AKA Sonny Crockett lands the first rose and lands a "you look great" whisper. You're my boy, Jesse!
• Weirdo Graham gets the boot and we all saw it coming.
  
• We have a world first. I think Graham just dropped a back-handed use of the phrase "more than welcome". DeAnna is "more than welcome to make it easier on [herself] by thinking that, but that's not true." Burn, Newnan. Burn.
• Man, this is some dramatic crap right here I'm pretty sure. Graham pulls a note out of his back pocket. And then says that she can either read it, throw it away or burn it. Any of those 3 will work, Newnan. Pick whichever one you like.
• Looks like she decided to read it. I was really hoping for burn it.
• Also I gotta say ... when he went to the back pocket, I really thought he was gonna pull out his hat at first.
  
• Also worth noting ... before the dramatic note drop, DeAnna said something like "It ends here. It ends tonight." You sure about that? You sure it doesn't end tomorrow? Or next week?
• I say good job, Newnan. That dude's a mess. Graham's a mess.

Next week, Jesse might actually choose to NOT forego his individual room. You're my boy, Jesse! Seriously, I can't wait.

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The Bachelorette Musings, The Palm Springs Episode

Ok, so I'm a little bored and I feel like snarking (yeah, new verb meaning "to make snarky comments") about DeAnna's latest efforts on The Bachelorette. Plus, my ego is taking a hit as a result of my new lack of blog visitorship. Oh and I didn't even bother watching the "DeAnna Tells All" episode because I'm not really into listening to her talk.

Oh and before we get started with this episode, I must say that the last episode was pretty damn good. Great TV all around, but the one situation that needs to be discussed is how Newnan handled the 2-on-1 date. Do I even need to say it? She pulled a Big Swayze! She dropped them both! She even did a pseudo lap and a loosening of the tie before booting Fred. In her version though, she just got choked up and sorta took a breath. So here's my beef. I think if you asked her today about dropping both dudes, she wouldn't feel like she pulled a Big Swayze, but she totally did and that's what's so ridiculous. Just like Big Swayze, she didn't feel like she could commit to either of these individuals and so she let them go. And that's what she should have done. And that's what Big Swayze should have done. And he did. What's more ridiculous is that, in a few episodes, Fred won't have the opportunity to put Newnan on the hot seat in front of a crowd of angry men and say "I'm just confused" over and over again while Newnan just has to take it. Just admit it, Newnan. You now understand why Swayze did what he did. That's all I'm asking for. Wow, I guess I have some commentary on this season. I really didn't see that coming.

But really, all's forgiven considering the single tear that rolled down Sensitive Chef Bobbie's cheek in the limo. That was so so great. Probably the moment of the season for me.

Ok, onto the Palm Springs episode:

• At the start, Harrison says something like "It's down to 6 and that's pretty amazing considering where this started." I'm gonna go ahead and say no. Not amazing. In fact, it's about the most predictable and unamazing thing ever. Why? Because the format of the show dictates that we will most certainly at some point get down to 6 dudes. It's about as amazing as the fact that we'll have a new president in a few months. It's going to happen because there's a system in place to make sure it's going to happen. Stick to your rose count, Chris.
• Karate Kid's date ... what the hell? The dude gets virtually no one-on-one time for the first however-many episodes and all of a sudden he's a lock for the final 4? What the crap.
• Also, Newnan's response to Karate's saying "you're walking around with a loaded gun" about 8 times was great. "Yes. That's a good ... that's a good saying."
• Onto the group date ... what is the fascination with helicopters? I've been on one. It's a good time. They're fun, but they're not life changing.
• And moreover my worst nightmare has been realized: one on one time with Twilley. I've got my awkward sandwich right here all slathered with the super secret horrible joke special sauce and I'm ready to swallow it in one gulp. Huh. How 'bout that? Wasn't so horrible.
  
• I'll say one thing about this season's crew ... they f'ing LOVE pools! They're like Adam Sandler's character in that movie "Airheads" combined with a 9 year old that just moved from Minnesota to Arizona. (Reference not working? Fine, but check the number of houses with pools in MN vs. the number of houses with pools in AZ. I'm just saying they go in the pool a lot. Right?)
• This is an odd thing to say. I too am hoping that Jesse kisses Newnan today. How did he not make that move during the Beddingfield slow dance? I maintain that he's the only dude left and I'm pulling for him ... F, Jesse, you blew it. Chick was staring you down and you choked. And you don't even know you choked.
  
• Hey Graham, how 'bout you put on a backwards non-fitted hat and sorta cock it to the left? That'd be different. Wait. Is 'different' the word I'm looking for there? I don't think that's the right word. Also, your torso is freakish. There, I said it.
• I take time during Jeremy's date to fold some laundry. Yawn. Also, apparently Jeremy's feelings are real, genuine and actual. That's like the holy trinity of Bachelorette feelings. You throw in a little "opening up" and I think Newnan's all yours. Just marry each other already.
• Onto the rose ceremony ... so, uh, is DeAnna's hair naturally curly? Has she straightened every dang day? You girls have it rough.
• When Harrison said "there will be no cocktail party tonight", I figured there was a 60% chance he'd then say, "but there will be a POOL PARTY! HELL YEAH, GENTLEMEN!" And then he'd join them in the train cannon ball run into the pool.
• Twilley gets the boot. I'm happy. Especially considering his parting words to Newnan. Looks like I got a side of awkward potato salad with that sandwich.
  
• Karate Kid gets the boot. Respectable exit, too. Nice work, dude. And hey, you got a decent haircut out of the whole thing, too.

Next week, Jesse the MADE coach executes his skills with Newnan. Newnan's in the hot seat with Jeremy's family. Good times. OH! And a full on Newnan break down. Looks like I'm in it til the end on this season.

And finally, shamelessly, click on any of these little links below if you're so inclined. It'll maybe get a few new readers to the bloggy here. Onwards and upwards, ya know?

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