The Bachelor Diaries - The Jason Edition - Episode 5

After a 10 minute break to collect myself and realize I'm going to Hell for not saying a single nice think about Nikki, I'm back.  Who's up for casual making out ... now with Ty sleeping in the next room?  Bonus!

• Nervous Texas keeps all her roses in a zip lock baggy?  I'm not only NOT weirded out by this, but I'm amazed it took this many seasons to see it.  Every chick on the show ever has done this, right?
• I'm 14 minutes in and this is all I've got.  It's the most boring episode of The Bachelor ever!
• When Nervous Texas asked if she could bring her stretchy pants, I couldn't help but think of this.  
• Never before have 4 girls been jealous of a girl who drove herself to a dude's house, did the dishes and then sat on the couch waiting.
• I think Stephanie is wearing a white fur vest hoodie ... for those times when your arms are warm, your chest is cold, and you know you won't be coming in contact with any PETA types.
• A blind kissing test?  We've reached new heights in casual kissing for The Bachelor.  
• And then he nails the test?  As a woman, are you happy or pissed that he knows your kiss and 2 other woman's kisses that well?
• They're openly (and amicably) discussing their jealousies of the other girls?  It's weirding me out.  Apparently Nikki took all the cat claws with her when she left the show.
• Jillian really says "aboot".  I'm having a hard time speculating how I'd feel about being face to face with the #1 go-to Canadian dialect cliche.
• When Jason asks "if we go to your hometown, who would I meet?" ... I mean, you're in, right.  He may as well have just given you a rose, no?
• Did Naomi the flight attendant from Carlsbad, CA just pull out "un poquito"?  
• I really should have an "amazing" count going with Jason.  He's picked up on The Bachelor tradition.  
• Wow, Naomi really liked her date.  Single-prop planes and rock walls are the key to Naomi's heart.  Either that or she's so desperate for a 1-on-1 date that she would have taken a trip to Taco Bell and reruns of Carpoolers.
• This season is suddenly from the twilight zone.  Four of the ladies are sitting in the bathroom drinking beer and (again) amicably discussing all of their pros and cons when it comes to landing Jason.  I bet the producers are pissed.
• I'm glad that Jill and Jason got scones and lattes prior to just chatting and making out the entire time.
• Seriously, what is with that shirt/tie, Jason?  It looks like "Pink Elephants on Parade" ... except more psychadelic.
• Okay, I'll say it.  I will happily date Jill, Melissa or Molly if Jason guns them down.  Am I wrong or are they all generally the bee's knees?  See?  This season just turned crazy.  I'm talking about how much I LIKE the girls ... 3 of them!
• Seriously, they're cheering each other on DURING the rose ceremony!  Up is down.  Down is up.  This season on The Bachelor: Anarchy Reigns!
• Since I'm bored, have you heard Christian Bale's freak out?  And the remix that followed?  Masterpieces both, says I.
• Awwwww, sorry, Steph.  You got the boot.  But hey at least he got your hopes up by saying yours was the best date he went on!  Misdirection FTW!
• Okay, even I'll give it up.  The chick is amazing ... if only for genuinely saying thank you to the most ridiculous compliment-while-being-dumped ever: "You're the most amazing person I've ever met."  Yeah, clearly, Jason.
• Please!  Someone at least mention the shirt/tie.  It's like the circus puked all over his chest, right?
• It's official, Stephanie the Medical Marketing Manager from Huntsville, AL, you have the best outlook on life ever.  You are ... the anti-Nikki.

Wow, next week (and by next week I mean tomorrow) is looking up.  Thank you, Naomi's crazy mom and her dead dove that is in need of a wake.

P.S. This is officially the bizarro-season.  The outtro just showed two of the girls re-enacting the Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene.  There are no cat claws, the girls cheer each other on, and the girl that got the boot just left with more dignity than she came in with!  What is going on!?

The Bachelor Diaries - The Jason Edition - Episode 4

Well here I am after putting in a crap load of hours at work over the last month.  I was ready to do a marathon and get all caught up before I discovered that neither my DVR nor ABC.com has the week 3 episode available ... so we're jumping straight to week 4.

Let's start off by seeing what I missed.  I'm guessing a combination of kissing and cat claws ... hopefully not at the same time.

• Nervous Texas had a breast reduction?  I have no idea what that means.  I mean, I understand the effect of the procedure that she took.  But I don't know what that means.  Ya know?  (what I mean?)
• Woah! Natalie just said that only the big man upstairs is eligible to not be attracted to her?  Wow.  Unrelated note: have you ever heard someone say something not conceited after saying "I don't mean to sound conceited"?  No.  It's the one guarantee that you are about to hear something COMPLETELY conceited.
• Looks like Stick-Up-Her-Butt girl is maintaining the status quo.  Well done.  I can appreciate consistency.
• Beyond all that, it looks like I missed some boobie silhouettes.  Shoot.

Aaaaaaand I'm all caught up.

• So apparently we have a new tradition: the on-the-spot-song.  Great.
• What's this?  Control freak girl has trouble thinking quickly and potentially embarrassing herself?  Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhocking.
• By the way, Lauren saying she knows a little about making music ... you could say that (or you could let her MySpace account do the talking for you).
• Seriously, is there anything likeable about Nikki?  "That 2-on-1 date is like death."  Good times, Nikki.
• Am I the only one who laughed when Nikki said "I literally want to cry" as the started crying?  Next time, you can just start crying.  We get the picture.
• Molly was loaned some of Jason's comfy clothes ... which is apparently exactly her style.  Which style is that exactly?  Loaner clothes?  Dude clothes?  Comfy clothes?  You like comfy clothes, Molly?  A recent study revealed that 83% of people prefer clothes that are as rigid, itchy and awkward-fitting as possible.  Weirdo.
• "First girl in bachelor history to have the walk of shame."  I can appreciate owning up to that.
• Side note: why didn't Molly get her clothes before going home?  Couldn't swing by the closet on the way from the tent to the car?
• Wait. I missed out on the Tooth Nazi talking to Jason while crying and vomiting?  How did that scene not make the recap?
• Man, it would have really been something to hit Nikki with improv singing and improv acting gigs back to back.  Even though I'm looking forward to "death" on the 2-on-1 date, this would have been great too.
• I'll say it again.  Stick-up-her-butt lacrosse coach is twenty-fracking-five years old?  I can't comprehend.  Can we do some research on her Danny Almonte style?
• Oh!  Jip.  The "couple of hoo-errs" line is scripted?  I was excited to see that unfold.
• "Feels like a real Hollywood set" you say, Jason?  Probably because it is an ACTUAL Hollywood set, dude.
• Nervous Texas says "I think Naomi got to kiss Jason about 11 times in their scene and it got harder and harder and harder ..."  That's what she said ... "to watch."  Oh, you ruined it.
• Seriously, try to process this.  Nervous Texas and Stick-Up-Her-Butt are the same age.  Not possible.
• I really appreciate the cut back to the house so that Nikki can start crying about nothing.  It had been about 4 minutes.  The girl has a skill.  She can turn anything into a weepy pity party.  2-on-1 date?  Death.  11 year relationship?  Should be married with a kid by now.  Basket full of kittens?  They'll die some day.  
• Perfect response to "I only want the rose if you wanna give it to me." ... "I hear you."  I mean, you can't argue with that.  Let's go the judges: 9, 9.5, 10, 9, and an precedented 10 from the German judge.  A near-perfect score in the medal round of Question Dodging.
• Holy crap.  There's 40 minutes left in this episode?  I'm kinda glad I missed week 3.
• I actually feel bad for the Tooth Nazi.  Watching a woman totally break down ... not good times.  At least she was keen enough to realize she just got rejected.
• OMG Nikki is a downer!  I can't imagine that there's even an ounce of fun to be had with this girl.  "Get ready to dance the night away!" ... "yay."  Shoot me in the face.  And I'm just watching her on TV.  Can you imagine dating her?
• Remember, ladies, if you're looking for a dude that stays in the box, Jason is not your guy.  Don't look at me.  He said it.   Unrelated rant: the metaphorical "box" is more played out than the metaphorical "end of the day".  There is no box any more, people.  The box is gone.  No one is thinking IN the box anymore.  Hence, thinking out of the box has lost all meaning.  Just end it.
• My mind was just blown.  Apparently dancing (of all things) is a good metaphor for a relationship.  I'm having trouble following along, but apparently in both dancing and relationships ... sometimes you lead ... and sometimes ... you FOLLOW?  Huh?  I think this dance coach is some kind of transcendent mind because I'm usually pretty quick to pick up on stuff like this, but ... leading AND following?  In both dancing AND relationships?  Too clever for me.
• One thing Nikki has going for her: she can do choreographed dancing!  And all she needs is ... (wait for it) ... weeks or flipping MONTHS to prepare.  Talented AND fun loving?  I just can't get enough of this girl!
• Nikki takes a whole new angle on desperation.  She pretty much just said that Stephanie should be taken out of the running because she already had a husband.  Dead or not.  A husband is still a husband.  And once you have one, you gotsta move to the back of the line, girlfriend!  How can Jason NOT just propose to this girl right now?
• In case all my ridiculous conclusions and capital letters haven't made it obvious, re-read my last few posts out loud while applying the most sarcastic tone you could possibly imagine.  Hell, read everything in a super sarcastic tone.  It's more fun that way anyway.
• You'd think I'd be happy now that Nikki got the boot, but I'm even more angry.  "You should never ever change?"  Yes, you should.  "I loved it.  Every minute of it."  No, you didn't.  Are both of these people taking crazy pills!?
• This is unreal.  She won't stop.  "I don't know how much smarter I could get or how much prettier I could get?"  A) Yeah, he dumped you because of your lack of intelligence.  If you had just known the answer to 14-across in the Sunday crossword, you'd still be in here.  Next time, I'm sure you'll hit the vocab harder and land your true love!  B) How can you be this conceited whilst being dumped?  You don't know HOW you can get smarter?  Are you actually trying to say you have nothing left to learn?  100% unlikeable.  Nikki.
• Okay, enough with Nikki.  Back to ripping on Jason.  How is he seriously into Stephanie while also being into chicks like Lauren and Melissa?  I can't imagine more different females.
• Okay, is Jason the biggest mack (aka man-whore) that The Bachelor has ever known?  Kissing at the end of one-on-one dates used to be a big deal.  This dude makes out with each and every girl at the rose ceremony!  I can't figure out how I feel about this.
• I don't know what to say about Lauren other than ... her approach to this show is unprecedented ... Don't bother asking, just TELL the dude what to say, think, feel and do.  It's bizarre.  Again, I don't know how to react.
• Harrison!  Where ya been all episode, buddy?  Maybe your presence could have saved me from spending 90% of this blog ripping on a girl I don't even know.  
• "Ladies, Jason, in case you have the short term memory of the guy from Memento, in the last 90 seconds, you handed out 2 of the 3 roses you have to hand out ... so this is your last one.  3 minus 2 equals 1.  Got it?  Awesome."
• How about this ... Jason takes a page from Big Swayze's book and rejects them all  I'll admit it.  I didn't see it coming.
• All of their departures were unremarkable ... which I guess is remarkable since the Tooth Nazi was primed for a freak out for sure.

Next week, Jason wears the worst tie/shirt combo in Bachelor history.  Yet ANOTHER page stolen from Big Swayze.  How dare he.

The Bachelorette Musings, The Overnight Dates and The Men Tell All

Before I settle in for another 2 hours of Newnan, I gotta say there's something mighty satisfying about drumming on rock band. Probably not as satisfying as actual drumming, though. Might have to look into that.

I'm gonna guess before we get going that Jason gets the boot tonight. With that said, here goes:

• I've spent the first 10 minutes of the episode firing up the computer and writing what's above while Jeremy and Newnan do their thing. Read: another boring date for DeAnna and Jeremy.
• Who hopes the turtle makes a cameo? Me, that's who.
  
• As this boring date continues on to dinner, remember Cameo? That guy was great. What IS the word, Cameo, so word up.
• Jiggins, the awkwardness of this show is back. Just keep asking each other "are you nervous?" That'll make things more comfy. For all of us.
• I think Jeremy just said "Shall I read it?" unironically. Who says shall? Then again, who says forego? Chris Harrison, that's who!
• Looks like the individual rooms have been forgotten? Foregone? Foregoing? Foregiggidy? Foregonzor.
  
• As with every season, I would kill for a look at the camera and a wink during that awkward moment when the dude (Jeremy in this case) gets up to close the hotel room door on the camera men.
• Onto Jason's date ... Newnan is hippy. Hips.
• When did Jason turn into the goofiest dude alive? Tone it down, Ty's dad.
• You know what? I've been to the Amazon. They're actually kinda right about the looks of this pond type thing they're on.
• Ah, the kayak kiss. Almost as romantic as this.
• Jason and Newnan's dinner isn't as awkward as it is super gigantic cheesy puff ball. Jeez.
• Jason, I'd like to personally thank you for actually acting like you know what's on the card.
• Here's a question. Is it the same room as the one she and Jeremy had? If so, why does that feel kinda gross to me?
• Uh oh, big musical crescendo for Jason's "opening up session" with DeAnna. Jesse, don't f up. The pressure's on, dude.
  
• Word to the wise: if you want to be entertained, watch Wipeout on ABC on Tuesdays! ABC, feel free to drop me a check whenever.
• You're my boy, Jesse! Kid is gonna huck a Bahama barn rodeo with snag lift pull!!!
• Wow, those horses are not afraid of the water. Steve could learn a lot from them.
• Am I wrong or is Jesse and DeAnna's date the most normal, natural and non-awkward date of them all?
• For you kids following along at home, Breck = Breckenridge aka Jesse's home aka the shreddiest place on earth!
• "I definitely don't put on boots and go shred every day?" Say it ain't so, Jesse. Say it ain't so.
• Look, I have to say it. Jesse's killin' it. Killin' it.
• Man, DeAnna is itching for that fantasy suite. She's said she's dying to get there twice now.
• Jesse and the fantasy suite fake out ... what can I say? He's my boy. Jesse's my boy. I've said it before. I'll likely say it again.
• Killed it.
• "If you'd like to nominate the next Bachelor or Bachelorette or if you'd like to chit chat with Chris, call 866-739-3150. He's lonely and he only knows how to recite his bachelor lines at this point so don't expect deep conversation. It's pretty much like talking to one of those dolls with the strings in their back."
  
• Onto the rose ceremony ... and Newnan has a giant bow on her dress. It's like she's the present to 2 of the 3 dudes with untucked shirts. When in Rome, boys. Well done.
• Jesse gets the first pick two days in a row! Stoked. To harken back to the earlier episodes ... dare I say front runner?
• Wow, Jeremy gets the boot. Color me surprised.
• Later, Jeremy. It's been boring ... and awkward. And not fun. And boring.
• Oh wait, the awkwardness isn't over. She has to walk him out.
  
• Cliche cliche cliche. Open up. Connection. Luckiest girl in the world. Meant everything I said. And he's gone.
  
• Nice. The somber guitar song is back.
• Can't believe we're back to the most awkward toast again. Jesse, Jason and Newnan. Soak in the awkward, everyone.
  
• Oh wait, Jeremy's shirt wasn't untucked. That's probably why he didn't get picked. Walk it out, dude.
• Onto the men tell all. Notice that it's the men tell all and not the dudes tell all. I'm ready for some whining and complaining and cat fighting not natural to any dudes.
• How have I forgotten that her last name is Pappas? As in Angelo Pappas. Her and Big Swayze would have been something.
• Holy crap, they brought back Greg the "coyotes" guy. Need a refresher?
  
• Fred, Graham and Jeremy get some big cheers from the 99.7% female crowd. The opening Chris Harrison monologue reveals 3 men in a shot showing 36 people. Higher than I would have expected.
  
• Speaking of Graham, check out this BS. And remember ... "46 is not a charity, but rather a brand that enables children's charities." Got it? Got it.
• Survey says ... the ladies like Rick Nye Science Guy. Giggles giggles.
• "What night did you figure out what you were doing, Twilley?" Ice COLD, Harrison.
• I'm glad Ryan the crazy football player aka most likeable 8th grader is back. That dude is a special kind of nuts. And has cat claws like no other.
• Harrison actually makes me laugh when he says "I like guys that can high five after calling each other a d-bag." He also actually said d-bag. Nice work, Harrison.
• Also, that montage of Twilley hating on Jeremy, Jeremy hating on Twilley reminds me of something. Even though reality TV and the idea of confessionals has been around for over a decade now, as a species it seems we still haven't figured out that what we say in the confessional is being recorded and will be played back for the whole country later.
  
• One thing I never want to hear in my life: "Come on up here and join me in the hot seat, Luke." Ever.
• Kudos to the producers for trying to get a shot of a girl that looked sorta like she was crying during Jeremy's sob story, but that chick was not crying. Good effort though.
• So basically Jeremy today is DeAnna from Big Swayze's season. Feel free to use the word "confused" as often as you'd like when Newnan makes her appearance, Jeremy.
• Bringing Graham onto the hot seat ... Jimmy Kimmel? Oprah? Ellen? I don't get it.
• DeAnna's in the hot seat now and there's a "lotta respect in the house tonight." Whatever that means. Harrison is in rare form tonight.
• Man! There is some passive aggressive stuff going down between Newnan and Graham right now. And I love all the muffled giggles from the females in the audience.
• They get an awesome shot of two dudes chuckling big time at one of Harrison's jokes. I'm a giant hypocrite, right? Right.
• So when Newnan scrunches her mouth to one side. Is that cute or not? I can't decide.
• Here comes Ryan piping up about something. Cat claws are out of control. "OCD. Obsessive compulsive DeAnna like my man Jeremy." We should put this guy on as a contestant on the next Bachelor.
• Somehow Graham works in another passive aggressive "I'm sorry." Good job.
• The bloopers montage was gold. And Harrison is knocking it out of the park this episode. Regarding Shawn's mullet: "Business in the front. Party in the back." Regarding Shawn's karate: "Do you think he actually trained in the Cobra Cai dojo?" Gold, Harrison.
• If Greg started running in my direction after ripping his shirt off, I'd be off the set as soon as possible. I do NOT want to hear the coyotes.

Well, that was another interesting and slightly painful 2 hours. Can't believe I'm not only still watching this show, but have a legitimate rooting interest in the finale. And I really have no idea who DeAnna is going to pick. The super smiley guy with the kid. Or the dude that can huck a rodeo at the drop of a hat. Another 2 hours and I guess we'll know. Harrison: "the most dramatic finale ever." There ya go, I guess.

P.S! Fred lands a date!!! Fred is awesome.

And finally, shamelessly, click on any of these little links below if you're so inclined. It'll maybe get a few new readers to the bloggy here. Onwards and upwards, ya know?

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The Bachelorette Musings, The Palm Springs Episode

Ok, so I'm a little bored and I feel like snarking (yeah, new verb meaning "to make snarky comments") about DeAnna's latest efforts on The Bachelorette. Plus, my ego is taking a hit as a result of my new lack of blog visitorship. Oh and I didn't even bother watching the "DeAnna Tells All" episode because I'm not really into listening to her talk.

Oh and before we get started with this episode, I must say that the last episode was pretty damn good. Great TV all around, but the one situation that needs to be discussed is how Newnan handled the 2-on-1 date. Do I even need to say it? She pulled a Big Swayze! She dropped them both! She even did a pseudo lap and a loosening of the tie before booting Fred. In her version though, she just got choked up and sorta took a breath. So here's my beef. I think if you asked her today about dropping both dudes, she wouldn't feel like she pulled a Big Swayze, but she totally did and that's what's so ridiculous. Just like Big Swayze, she didn't feel like she could commit to either of these individuals and so she let them go. And that's what she should have done. And that's what Big Swayze should have done. And he did. What's more ridiculous is that, in a few episodes, Fred won't have the opportunity to put Newnan on the hot seat in front of a crowd of angry men and say "I'm just confused" over and over again while Newnan just has to take it. Just admit it, Newnan. You now understand why Swayze did what he did. That's all I'm asking for. Wow, I guess I have some commentary on this season. I really didn't see that coming.

But really, all's forgiven considering the single tear that rolled down Sensitive Chef Bobbie's cheek in the limo. That was so so great. Probably the moment of the season for me.

Ok, onto the Palm Springs episode:

• At the start, Harrison says something like "It's down to 6 and that's pretty amazing considering where this started." I'm gonna go ahead and say no. Not amazing. In fact, it's about the most predictable and unamazing thing ever. Why? Because the format of the show dictates that we will most certainly at some point get down to 6 dudes. It's about as amazing as the fact that we'll have a new president in a few months. It's going to happen because there's a system in place to make sure it's going to happen. Stick to your rose count, Chris.
• Karate Kid's date ... what the hell? The dude gets virtually no one-on-one time for the first however-many episodes and all of a sudden he's a lock for the final 4? What the crap.
• Also, Newnan's response to Karate's saying "you're walking around with a loaded gun" about 8 times was great. "Yes. That's a good ... that's a good saying."
• Onto the group date ... what is the fascination with helicopters? I've been on one. It's a good time. They're fun, but they're not life changing.
• And moreover my worst nightmare has been realized: one on one time with Twilley. I've got my awkward sandwich right here all slathered with the super secret horrible joke special sauce and I'm ready to swallow it in one gulp. Huh. How 'bout that? Wasn't so horrible.
  
• I'll say one thing about this season's crew ... they f'ing LOVE pools! They're like Adam Sandler's character in that movie "Airheads" combined with a 9 year old that just moved from Minnesota to Arizona. (Reference not working? Fine, but check the number of houses with pools in MN vs. the number of houses with pools in AZ. I'm just saying they go in the pool a lot. Right?)
• This is an odd thing to say. I too am hoping that Jesse kisses Newnan today. How did he not make that move during the Beddingfield slow dance? I maintain that he's the only dude left and I'm pulling for him ... F, Jesse, you blew it. Chick was staring you down and you choked. And you don't even know you choked.
  
• Hey Graham, how 'bout you put on a backwards non-fitted hat and sorta cock it to the left? That'd be different. Wait. Is 'different' the word I'm looking for there? I don't think that's the right word. Also, your torso is freakish. There, I said it.
• I take time during Jeremy's date to fold some laundry. Yawn. Also, apparently Jeremy's feelings are real, genuine and actual. That's like the holy trinity of Bachelorette feelings. You throw in a little "opening up" and I think Newnan's all yours. Just marry each other already.
• Onto the rose ceremony ... so, uh, is DeAnna's hair naturally curly? Has she straightened every dang day? You girls have it rough.
• When Harrison said "there will be no cocktail party tonight", I figured there was a 60% chance he'd then say, "but there will be a POOL PARTY! HELL YEAH, GENTLEMEN!" And then he'd join them in the train cannon ball run into the pool.
• Twilley gets the boot. I'm happy. Especially considering his parting words to Newnan. Looks like I got a side of awkward potato salad with that sandwich.
  
• Karate Kid gets the boot. Respectable exit, too. Nice work, dude. And hey, you got a decent haircut out of the whole thing, too.

Next week, Jesse the MADE coach executes his skills with Newnan. Newnan's in the hot seat with Jeremy's family. Good times. OH! And a full on Newnan break down. Looks like I'm in it til the end on this season.

And finally, shamelessly, click on any of these little links below if you're so inclined. It'll maybe get a few new readers to the bloggy here. Onwards and upwards, ya know?

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