The Bachelorette Musings, The Finale and After the Final Rose

Well, I'm nearly 29 and this is my Monday night. I'm prepared to watch 3 f'ing hours of DeAnna, Jesse and Jason. Son of a b. Sorry to use harsh ... letters, but I mean ... with nights like this ... can't wait for 30! You know what they say? 30 is the new 20 (year old sorority girl). Oh me oh my I am lacking in masculinity ... OKAY onto the show!

• So we start with a recap which featured Jason saying "I never expected to meet someone like DeAnna." Right. You expected to meet DeAnna exactly ... which you did. Don't they know who the b'lette is when they submit their app? No?
• Holy crap, we're actually in Newnan. Nnnnnnnnnewnan!
• So DeAnna's sister ... uh ... she looks ... not like DeAnna.
• Why is Newnan sitting on the couch with her feet just barely hovering off the ground? Is she that tiny or did they buy their couch from the mad hatter?
• Ah, the Pappas' reminiscing about Big Swayze ... good times.
• Jason, in reflecting about Newnan, says "my feelings grow 100% probably every day." Probably. Some days it's only 87%. Other days 120%. But it probably averages out to 100 so we're cool.
• Does Mr. Pappas rock a cane? Or is he just going to beat Jason with it if he pulls a Big Swayze?
• OH! It wasn't a cane, it was a golf club ... that he uses in his front yard. Work on that short game, Big Pappas.
• Big Pappas says Jason is "a gem of a guy." He went on to say that Jason is outrageous, truly truly truly outrageous.
• Onto Jesse's in-house session and he's getting grilled compared to Jason. Apparently being a snowboarder is much much worse than being a divorced single dad. I'm not saying either is worse than the other. I'm just saying take it easy on my boy Jesse. Equal opportunity grilling, please.
  
• Big Pappas says "I have a nephew that's 6'5" 300 lbs. and we'll come hunt you down." Jesse's response: "Nice." Honestly what else CAN you say to something like that? You're my boy, Jesse!
• Oh no! Jesse didn't ask the permission. Safe to say he didn't kill it. Didn't kill it.
• Hyperbole is back! Harrison says "it's the most awkward family visit ever." Good times.
• Wow, so I don't think I heard her right but apparently the extended family visits involves meeting Zhahj, Yaya, Papoo and Uncle Blue Tarp. Or Clutark. Or Flulark. And of course Tina. There's always a Tina.
• So Jesse shows up and then Jason shows up and we basically have this on our hands.
• Just what this season needed ... another big ladle full of awkward sauce. Jason, DeAnna and Jesse on the same couch in front of Yaya and Papoo and Tina. Drink it in, everyone. It's probably our last helping.
• Jesse shows Yaya and Papoo how to "blow it up". Good times. Later he shows them how to huck a rodeo hambone steal grind! There was one casualty, but trust me, it was worth it ... and rad.
• Yaya chooses Jason?! What the gd? He didn't show you how to blow it up!
• Well at least Jesse is killin' it with the sister and sis-in-law while Yaya and Papoo are fawning over Jason. Killed it with the sisters!
  
• Wow, let's hear it for the music director. As Jesse asks for Big Pappas' blessing, there is a dramatic crescendo, a pause and then a laid back acoustic guitar jam as Pappas grants his blessing. Listen closely, everyone. Those smooth acoustic notes are telling you everything's gonna be okay.
• And then Jesse and Big Pappas nug! AND blow it up! Oh man, he killed it! Killed it! You're my boy, Jesse! Eat that, Yaya!
• DeAnna, really? You really want this guy? Really?
• Yaya goes nugs with Jesse again? Don't do it, Jesse. She's disloyal. She's a traitor to the code of the nugs.
• Well, looks like the sisters are traitors too. They're all up on Jason despite Jesse killin' it with both of them. Not lookin' good for my boy.
• So Jeremy comes back. Looks like that previous helping of awkward wasn't our last. We get a big awkward double fudge sundae with awkward sauce sprinkled with awkward cherries! And two awkward spoons!
• Once again Jeremy and DeAnna are the most boring couple ever. I'm fast forwarding. She's rejecting him yet again. Nice work, Newnan.
• Okay, the 2-hour format is not helping here. Jesse and DeAnna get their own island. Jesse gives DeAnna a memory book. Jesse READS her the book out loud. We get it. It's great. It's wonderful. They like each other a lot.
• Just noticed they changed the bachelorette logo so that the "O" is a diamond ring. Nice touch, ABC.
• Jason and Newnan go scuba diving with sharks on their date. Get it? It's a metaphor for their whole relationship. The ocean is the format of the show: very difficult to navigate without mouthfuls of awkward salt water. The sharks are the other bachelors, specifically Greg the Coyotes guy. And the self contained underwater breathing apparatus is Chris Harrison: necessary to the show, but annoying and tough to get used to. Nah! I'm just kidding, Harrison. Lova ya, buddy!
• And then this dude makes DeAnna a flipping board game. Let me guess what it's called. CandyLAME! No, wait. Chutes and LAMERS! No no no. SORRY, I'm a Tool. Stretch on the last one? Okay.
  
• So the dudes pick out their respective rings and I get how it's special and all ... I guess. But honestly, is there a ring that one guy could pick out that would cause DeAnna to say "Hmmm, you know what? Nah. I can't be with a guy that picks that ugly giant diamond." What's that? I'm totally insensitive? Dang it.
• Also, Jesse has cut off a chunk of his hair since the start, no?
• While we're here, Jesse is rocking some emotions. Near hurling at the ring choosing and crying in the confessional. We've come a long way from the 3-step hand shake at the start.
  
• Well, Jason is the first out of the limo. The show's history tells us this is typically a bad sign for Jason and a gnarly/rad sign for Jesse. Jason is also wearing an orange tie.
  
• Man, DeAnna is cold as ICE! Jason drops to a knee and before he can even say a word, she says "no". Big Swayze taught her well.
• Can't believe Jesse killed it! He killed it! Check my quote from this entry: "Do you think Newnan knows what it means to 'shred the gnar'? Me neither." I sit corrected, Newnan. I sit corrected.
• Also this proves that being first out of the limo means doom on all incarnations of this show.
• What the hell is up with the switching of sides after the rejection? It's happened before and it happened just now. Newnan lines up on the right for the rejection and lines up on the left for Jesse. Bizarre, I say.
• Well, Newnan does NOT pull a Big Swayze and she accepts the MADE coach's proposal. Killed it.
• You know, the music montage was cheeseball, but I remember that it's not as bad as all that monkey talk during the last finale we saw.
• Nugs, Jesse. Blow it up. Can't believe I watched the whole damn season. F.

Onto The Bachelorette: After the Final Rose. I mean, why the hell not? Right?

• There seem to be quite a few more dudes in tonight's audience.
• DeAnna and Jason chat and it all actually seems to conclude pretty dang well. Good work, all.
• We're 25 minutes in on my 3rd bullet point. Clearly this is some gripping TV.
• Well if it isn't Matt and Shane (aka Monkey) ... and Lamas is wearing a giant ass belt. I've seen some belts in my day, but wow. That is an undercarriage for the ages.
• Man, that Matt/Lamas season really blew. This montage can't end fast enough. F it. I'm fast-forwarding. I can't handle it.
• I guess we should speculate on the "surprise" announcement ... I'll be obvious and say preggers? I mean, that'd be something. But it's probably something lame like "we're moving to Denver!" or "DeAnna bought a snowboard!"
  
• One entire (ly non-gripping) segment later and we get the announcement. They set a date. Let's all say it: fannnnnnnnnntastic.

Well, that last hour brought the show to a screeching halt. And then dragged out that screech for another hour. Shoot me in the face. "Hi, I'm ABC and we have ZERO summer programming." Nice to meet you, ABC. Good luck filling your Mondays now!

P.S. Hi, Big Swayze. You're still awesome.

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