Monday, March 1, 2010

The Bachelor Diaries: On The Wings of Awkward Proposals

Well, here we are. Another season almost in the bag. And all we need to do is stomach our way through 2 hours of awkward interaction with the family that raised what grew to be Jake. Oh yeah ... and helicopter arrivals for the big decision. Aviation.
  • Jake goes with "so in love" for both of the ladies? WTF, Jake.
  • "My family just shut down their lives to come out here and help me." The whole St. Lucia thing probably didn't hurt, dude.
  • "Both laugh at my stupid jokes," says Jake. Mom's reaction: "Wow." So far I love Mom.
  • LOVE Mom. "Is she the girl everybody hated?"
  • First commercial break. I'll agree with Ando's logic that he's gonna pick Vienna due to a) lack of previous marriage baggage, b) the Hooters girl factor (aka rocked Jake in the bedroom) and c) the fact that she has nothing going on besides being in love with Jake.
  • Tenley, cool it on the mmhmm's, yeah's and uh huh's with Jake's mom. Just let her ask the damn question.
  • You know what Tenley's good at? Conversing while crying.
  • I'm pretty sure this all means that Vienna's time with the fam is going to be a fracking train wreck.
  • "You need to tell her how goofy you get," says Mom to Jake. Yeah, tell her, but whatever you do, don't show her.
  • Chances of Jake coming up with the idea of jumping in the pool himself? What number is lower than 0%?
  • The train wreck is off to a ridiculously fast start. Vienna is like a train wreck engineer. Every move she makes brings this date to a new disastrous level.
  • Okay. Every girl on The Bachelor and every girl in Jake's family and every girl I know can't all be wrong. Vienna is like rabies for women. Within 20 minutes, every girl in earshot is approaching foaming at the mouth rage.
  • The female in-laws talking to Vienna: "You and Tenley are so different. Like night and day different. Like you're the day ... and like ... I'm a vampire. Like Jake chooses you and I'll burst into flames and die." Not verbatim, but I think the conversation went something like that.
  • What just happened? Mom changed her mind and one of the in-laws is crying for judging Vienna? Did I black out over the last 5 minutes? I have no idea how Vienna turned the tide. Seriously.
  • So Jake opens the Vienna date with "how do you feel about sulphur?" If I were to ask a girl this question at the beginning of a date in an alternative universe, here's the descending list of answers I'd most like to hear. A) "Uh. What? You're weird." B) "I hate sulphur." C) "I LOVE sulphur!!"
  • It'd be a lot more fun if these 2 were using this mud to hide from the predator. In fact just about anything would be better than this date.
  • Vienna was married for 3 days? When/how did I miss out on this fun fact?
  • If nothing else, the bachelor is a vehicle for people to say every cliche they've ever heard out loud and feel like they actually mean them.
  • No one has ever said "Tomorrow, one of these girls is going to be my fiance" with a frown on their face ... until Jake.
  • "You captivated me deeper than I've ever been," says Jake about Tenley. I don't even know what that means. I think it's a compliment, but I'm not sure.
  • My new greatest hope for the finale is that Jake proposes to Tenley and then she says no. Please please please please please.
  • Grey's Anatomy is still on ... huh.
  • Tenley and Jake just talked for a long time. I have nothing interesting or funny to add.
  • You know what I could go for? A lot of cliched voice over from Jake with an extended shot of him sitting like this:

  • Perfect.
  • Obligatory ring choosing segment -> obligatory selection of a horrible tie and it's time for chopper arrivals.
  • Last minute prediction: he goes with Tenley cuz he still feels bad about whatever he said on the boat and just cuz breaking up with Tenley would be so much more of a dick move. And if there's anything we learned this season, it's that Jake is the opposite of a dick.
  • Woops. So much for my last minute prediction.
  • Ho. Leecrap this is even worse than I imagined.
  • And then it got worse when Tenley somehow thanked him for rejecting her. And took crying while conversing to a new level.
  • Sign of how horrendous the last segment was: I stopped busying myself with the Internet to pay attention to the DWTS reveal. Erin Andrews, HELLO!
  • Just thought of something that made me physically smile. How pissed is Ali right now?
  • Well everyone, what have we learned? Being one of the most hated females in Bachelor history pays off in the end. That's what.
  • I have 3 words for you, ABC, Jake and The Bachelor franchise regarding this season: Fail. Epic Fail.
I got nothing. I'll see about doing "After The Final Rose" at a later date. It was all downhill after they booted Roslyn.

1 comment:

Ryan said...

Good riddance to that douchenozzle Jake and his ridiculous habit of saying "HowareYOU?!?" to everyone he meets...even the gd ring guy. On the Wings of If Counting the Number of Times He said HowareYOU was a Drinking Game, You'd Be Dead by 8:45.