The Bachelorette Musings: Ali and Man Secrets

Heyo! So we're in some tropical location this week, right? Well hot or cold climates, looks like one of Ali's men always has some kind of secret bomb to drop. Let's see what we've got this week. Oh and happy birthday to America (yesterday) and Lubs today. 'Merica!!

• If the men weren't all in shorts and flip flops, I'd think this was the same square where they met in Iceland for the awkward poetry hour. Diversity!
• Theme of the episode so far: clap it out. No roses! (Clap clap clap.) Lisbon! (Clap clap clap.) Chris Harrison! (Clap clap clap.)
• Do the men get notes from the producers to roll with the ambiguous date card clues? Or are their reactions genuine? They haven't realized that every date card follows the formula of possibly sexual innuendo + common figure of speech + loose relation to the actual course of the date?
• I don't know if this date is going well or not ... I was too busy picking up one of those Canon cameras over on Amazon.co -- son of a b! They got me with the product spot again! Damn your oh-so-subtle and insanely effective marketing ploys. PS Ali and Roberto have nothing on us.
• Next date card ... "Let's find our future in the past." Okay so maybe my formula needs a little work cuz that one seems to just be a random jumble of words.
• Ali: "What kind of meals does your mom make?" Roberto: "All that Spanish stuff that I don't know what it's called." So either Roberto's vocabulary is wayyyy limited or his mom doesn't make tacos, burritos, enchiladas, tamales, arroz con pollo or any of the other 10 Spanish entrees I could reel off.
• Well I never thought I'd say this, but thank goodness for Jake and Vienna cuz that Roberto date buhhhhhhlewwwwwww.
• Frank, Ty and Ali hit the helicopter and actually react like people that have ridden on one 6 or so times in the last couple months. Well done, all.
• Now I see when the 2nd date card was so random ... cuz they already used the castle cliche and they're headed to another castle.
• Why are we whispering? It's just a deer.
• This just in ... a 2-on-1 date is less optimal than a 1-on-1 date. In other ground breaking news, Ali likes yellow, Portugal has a shit-ton of castles and Miss Lippy's car is green.
• Next date card: "Once upon a time ..." If I was producing this ep, I probably have gone with "Uh, we ran out of castle allusions, dude. You're going to a castle."
• I think Frank just said "I had a job, I went to Europe ... yadda yadda yadda I live with my parents." The man never ceases to amaze. He's got a new crazy card to play every week.
• "Would you live in a tree with me? Let's live in a tree." I repeat: I have no idea what Ali sees in Frank.
• Onto the Kirk date. Note to the producers: those giant beers aren't helping with continuity.
• Most of my fairy tales have giant cell towers too.
• You know what's better than this date? This.
• The buzz phrases for today are: "serious" and "a lot on my mind."
• Date card #4: "Love gets better with age ... and castles ... and helicopters. The Bachelorette!!" Okay maybe it didn't say all of that.
• Wow, Chris and the scooter ... someone get this guy a helicopter ride for the sake of his manhood.
• Now that Ali's behind the wheel, I'm fairly impressed the producers allowed this one. Could you imagine how badly the rest of the season would go if Ali scraped the crap out of her knees and elbows after a moped crash?
• Chris is out. There's no way she boots Roberto, Frank or Kirk over him. And I think she thinks Ty's hotter.
• Well it's rose ceremony time and we're 3 for 3: purposefully loosened tie for Roberto, casual Friday for Chris and a statement dress from Ali.
• Sign of how boring this episode was/is: they're giving a full 30 minutes to Jake and Vienna. I would take this personally, Ali. If I were you, I'd go into full messy hair / moan mode. Actually, that would be the perfect transition back into some prime time with Jake.
• Uh oh, Ty. You did not want Chris to get that rose. Thanks for dressing up at least, buddy.
• Tennis bracelet FTW! Nice pull, Chris.
• It's the rainiest limo-side goodbye in Bachelorette history.
• Wow, the super mope face is back. And the rain certainly isn't helping that hair.
• And now, the drama ... "Hi, I'm Chris Harrison. Many people have found love on our show ... well, actually 14 of the 14 bachelors have eventually broken up with the woman they gave their final rose to. And one super stud of the universe didn't give out a rose at all. Man those were the days! We've given you updates when our couples get married and even have children ... well technically both of those updates were about one couple: Trista and Ryan. They're the only couple we've actually produced. But no bother! This Jake and Vienna drama is solid white hot gold, baby!!! Get ready for a bucket-sized helping of awkward sauce."
• Most interesting tidbit so far ... Harrison went out to dinner with Jake and Vienna just for kicks? Is this a post-Bachelor tradition? Or do Jake and Harrison have some sort of special bro bond?
• So far what I'm hearing is ... Jake is an adult. Vienna is 18 (for all intents and purposes). A relationship not built around whirlwind dates around the world didn't work. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhocking.
• Jake! Bringing it. "Oh yes, baby, I've got text messages."
• This is some must-see shit right here. I've never seen such passive aggressive behavior from two people at the same time. I'm worried they're going to create some kind of passive aggressive black hole.
• Why did Vienna have a dude in her house that has a cuss word for a last name?
• I know what would solve all their issues: a paulie-o-graph test. Woah! Just as I typed it, Vienna said it too. Those pauli-o-graphs solve everything!
• Well lookie here. The original bach blogger awakens from her slumber. How say you, Sports Gal?
• The bleeps are fantastic. Apparently Harrison watched a Vienna interview on NB-$#*@ ... or the F#$& Network ... or HBO-&*#$
• New twist idea on an old classic tune courtesy of Vienna: "I Hate LA."
• Amazingly Vienna is coming out this looking less crazy here. I'm easily picturing him talking down to her 90% of the time.
• With that said, I fully support throwing GPS units in the back of the SUV and I freaking despise re-measuring furniture.
• Co-sign: "We don't ... really care about the dog."
• Harrison is so awesome. "How do we move forward? And when I say we, I actually don't mean we at all. I mean you. Probably should have just gone straight to 'you two' from the start there. Classic me -- I mean us -- no, wait, me. Yeah, 'me' is the right one there."
• While I agree that she is interrupting you, Jake, you really don't make a good impression by saying "again with the interruption" 16 times over.
• The disembodied "stay tuned" from Harrison as the camera points at a pitch black closed door ... might have been the moment of the episode.
• Even more hard hitting interview questions from Chris: "What do you make of what just happened? What just happened here?"
• I'll leave it to Harrison to sum up: "... but ... it is what it is." Someone sign this guy up for the next 10 seasons!
• My summary would have been ... "Both of you seem entirely undateable and I'm guessing hundreds of people just decided not to get engaged based on the last 30 minutes. Thanks to both of you for talking to us -- me -- us ... whatever, somethin'."

Next week, apparently the guy who lives with his parents does not have the most awkward date. That honor goes to Kirk's dad from Wisconsin. He likes taxidermy. And Frank likes being wound way way tight. So tight that he dates other girls to take the edge off. Good times.