The Bachelorette Musings: Ali and Tahiti Drama

The episode that ABC has been teasing since mid-June. Let's see what you've got Frank AKA dude that I'm starting to wonder if the producers paid to keep on the show in order to increase the drama factor. Oh and Tahiti gets a crap load of free advertising. Drama in 3-2-1.

• What I like about Frank's establishing shots ... is that it seems like he is bobbing his head to the acoustic guitar riff they have rolling You have to have Ali teach you how to stare longingly out into space.
• Frank has 2 roller suitcases? What kind of man is this?
• Roberto carries around an actual cd ... with a jewel case ... of the Lion King? Can someone teach him that he can hide all the embarrassing music he wants on an iPod?
• Frank not only rocks the longing stare out into the nothing, but then caps it off with the dramatic removal of the glasses. Looks like someone's going to get a rose ... the final rose. Yowwwwwwwwwwww!
• Wait, let me try again. This is gonna be sweet ... fantasy suite. Yowwwwwwwwwwwww!
• Okay, one more. We might be looking at history here ... Bachelorette history. Yoowwwwwwww! Shoulda stopped at 2? I agree.
• Nicole who what? Oh right. The drummed up drama. How could I have forgotten?
• How can we drum up drama and stretch this episode? We bump out to Frank doing a voice over while he leaves the hotel. We bump in to Frank STILL doing a voice over while he walks the streets. Can we have him call someone and let the phone ring 7 times too?
• Frank, I say this as a guy who severely dislikes you ... shut UP, dude!! Your voice over has made us successfully not care about anything you do or say or feel ever.
• So far I'm a huge fan of Nicole ... who has not said a single word since sitting on the couch. I sincerely hope she's getting paid.
• Bah, she starts speaking only to reveal the worst news ever ... she likes Frank.
• This is the worst conversation ever. Frank is trying to see if he has a spark with Nicole by talking about how great things are with Ali. Good plan, Frank.
• The continuity issues with this conversation just sky rocketed to a ridiculous level. Shot 1 ... and jump cut to shot 2.
• You're spending the rest of your lives together? Great. You're perfect for each other. I'll buy your honeymoon for you if you would just shut your mouth.
• I just looked up from making my drawings above to see the ridiculous shot of Ali coming out of the water throwing her hair back. You do realize I was joking about the Tahiti commercial, right ABC?
• Was Roberto sweating profusely from the chest during their ride in that, uh ... what's it called. Those flying devices that have blades that spin around ... there was a black one in an 80s show named after a wolf of some kind ... I'm blanking.
• It needs to be said. This lagoon is ridiculous ... in spite of its heart shape that has been mentioned 74 times.
• I think it's really hot in Tahiti. Roberto is sweating balls again at dinner.
• Roberto has redundant tendencies when he gets nervous as in ... "I want to make sure my feelings are reciprocated back."
• From Harrison: "Dear Ali and Roberto, here's a room key. Someone get Roberto a cold shower cuz he is sweating like Shaquille O'Neal right now. PS as should already be apparent, I'm psychic ... how else could I have written this card ahead of time?"
• Euphamisms for sex so far: "He made it very clear tonight that he is in this for the long haul." "We get to spend special alone time together tonight."
• The Chris date has been rolling for a good 10 minutes now. I have nothing to say. They seem normal together. That's all I've got. Probably helps that they aren't at a beach that is arbitrarily shaped like something representing love.
• Are you allowed to just start cracking open clam shells like that? Do you need a permit or something?
• It's note-from-Harrison time. "Dear Ali and Chris, try your best to forget that Roberto and Ali cashed in on this card not too long ago. We won't give you same room or anything. It'll be a different room pretty far away from where Ali and Roberto had 'special time' ... so waddayasay?"
• I like that Frank packed 2 full bags even though he only came here to break up with Ali. And that he still refers to Nicole as his "ex girlfriend."
• Frank is amazing. Harrison: "How do you think Ali's going to take it?" Frank: "I have no idea." I think you have some idea, Frank.
• I've got a prediction ... Pain.
• I'm happy realizing I will never have such an odd conversation in my whole life as this Frank/Harrison convo is.
• Does Frank honestly not know what to do here? Did he expect Harrison to tell him to write a poem for her and it'd all be fine? Or maybe to ride it out until just after the fantasy suite and then let her know?
• Ali misses Frank? She's head over heels for him? What in the hell is going on in this world?
• "Ali, we need to talk ... and when I say talk, I mean we need to sit down and have the most pregnant pause ever ... so long that it makes you start crying before I even say anything. Wait for it. Wait for it. Nope, still not ready to start talking. Let's ride this silence out a little longer. This is a 2 hour show after all."
• If I was Frank, I'd break the ice with "It's so damn hot! Milk was a bad choice."
• And now let's both cry and put our heads in our hands and say nothing for 10 seconds. This is what our lives have led us to.
• Our first mope moan is accompanied with a dramatic tossing of flip flops. The producers are high fiving just off camera, right?
• Kudos to Dave ... how great would it have been if Harrison busted in with the fantasy suite card right before they hugged?
• Can someone remind Ali about the two dudes she boned in the last week?
• If you're Nicole, do you break up with Frank upon seeing him cry this much over another chick? I hope so ... a lot.
• Kudos to the producers for putting Frank's picture in the deliberation room. Man, Ali could really stick it to Roberto or Chris by giving a flower to Frank even when he's not there and is with another chick.
• Good news: Harrison also has high hopes that Ali's future husband is still participating in the game and hasn't dumped Ali for an ex girlfriend.
• Harrison: "I think we should still have a rose ceremony because ... we have some time to kill. So the guys are arriving soon ... by boat. Just wanted you to know their means of transportation in case that effects your decision. I know that your decision would be totally different if they were arriving by foot. Okay. When you're ready."
• Ali: "I'm a little nervous going into this rose ceremony because I have to tell the guys that I'm choosing them by default." (For the record, I typed this bullet before Ali specifically said she wasn't choosing them "by default" ... I'm not happy that she and I used the exact same phrase even if I was joking and she was serious.)
• Different country, same BS rose ceremony featuring a semi-weird and not-so-great dress from Ali and casual Friday from the gents.
• You know why I like Ali? Cuz she sums up a crazy vague and confusing monologue with "It is what it is." Dis-like.
• Up next, we take this show all the way overrrrrrrrr ... to a different part of Tahiti ... and Roberto continues to sweat profusely.

But first, the men tell all ... as if they hadn't been doing that all season ... some in the form of permanent body ink. Good times.