Monday, February 15, 2010

The Bachelor Diaries: On The Wings of Fantasy Suites

Okay, it's time for the episode where all the actual dates are just prelude to a phone call from Ms. Career Woman Ali. So much for Eyes On The Prize. Oh and I forgot about the fantasy suites ... probably because the idea of Jake making a move on these chicks is about as natural as a jet planes. Aviation.
  • The throwbacks to night one are kinda fun. Tenley's name is "Tenley ... like the number ten." Cute.
  • Holy crap Vienna was the girl that asked to see Jake's abs straight out of the limo. I can't even imagine all the other ladies watching that episode back.
  • "So I've watched about 5 minutes of this season and I hate this dude." My ever-wise roommate Dave, everybody.
  • Ali is back "home" which looks a lot like a hotel room ... and sleeps with pictures of Jake by her bed. What do you call someone that puts food on the shelves at a grocery store? A stalker, that's right. (Wrong spelling, but go with me, people.)
  • 2 thoughts about Gia and Jake's time in the city. 1) There's not even a word for how annoying Gia is. 2) Jake can not dance. At all.
  • Wait a minute. Leap of faith ... jump of the dock into the ocean. Oh. Oh I see what you did there. Not even close to clever or charming.
  • Ugh. Jake dons the necklace.
  • Here's a sampling of convo during dinner. Jake: "You're very deep." Gia: "... Like, more than I would ever open up, like, really, like you don't even -- you don't even know." Deep indeed, Jake. Deep.
  • Somehow the men's snowcross on the olympics has pulled me away from this deep conversation. This course is insane.
  • "Eh ha. I'm ready to use the key. Eh ha!" She's deep and not shy ... and annoying beyond words.
  • Tenley arrives just in time for 1,000th helicopter ride in Bachelor history!! You figure they would have rolled out some balloons or some confetti or something.
  • Tenley thinks Jake loves to dance? Someone roll the Gia date for her.
  • Fantasy Suite? More like Can't-asy suite! Cuz Tenley has only been with one man ... in case you hadn't heard Tenley the first 489 times. What? No recycling of jokes allowed?
  • "This came from Chris Harrison ... and I'm really excited about it," says Jake. Holy crap, you sold her, Jake. I might actually be impres -- nah, can't go that far.
  • Euphemisms for sex learned during tonight's show ... Tenley: "moving forward." Gia: "Ready to use the key."
  • Oh no, they've shifted to pairs figure skating on the other TV. I'm forced to watch the rest of this date.
  • Onto Vienna's date ... Putting an eye patch on Jake is like putting a birthday hat on a dog. He's immediately disoriented and he's gonna squirm uncomfortably until he figures out a way to get it off.
  • "I don't care if we're in St. Lucia or Texas, I just want to be with him." What are you trying to say, Vienna? What are you trying to say?
  • Well this date is mostly unbearable. Hey look, I was a one-year-old lush!
  • Gist of the dinner date as best I can tell ... there will be no suspense when it comes to fantasy suite choice time.
  • Tenley's euphemism for the evening: "show him another side of me." No real need for euphemism in this case.
  • Uh, so much for suspense of the next segment ... looks like Ali's headed for Lucia.
  • Why do they even bother asking for bachelor and bachelorette nominees on the website? How long has it been since we've had a newcomer as the main character? If only I had the past 5 or so odd seasons documented somehow ... shit.
  • Key quote from the Jake/Ali phone convo: "Ehhhhhh." Ali's got a real way with words. I can see why he asked her back.
  • Wow, looks like the damn editors at ABC got me again. Jake makes a stand. In your face, Ali! Aviation!
  • That was a really really really long segment to end up right where we were at the end of the last episode.
  • Gia's head tilt during her video diary makes me want to jam handfuls of marbles into my eyes.
  • For the sake of drama, I hope he drops Vienna mostly cuz I think her freak out would involve the most acting out. Gia would probably cry and do an annoying whimper very similar to her annoying laugh. And dumping Tenley at this point would just be too cruel for words.
  • This has to be one of the most numbing episodes in Bachelor history. I'm averaging 0.67 comments per segment over the last 4 segments.
  • First draft pick - Tenley. Very impressive turn around for her.
  • Oh Gia. Gia Gia Gia. Your mom was way off, right?! Lesson learned: don't listen to your mom after she's only known a guy for 2 hours.
  • Did anyone else catch the giant smile on Harrison's face as he walked in to give Gia the boot? Dude was downright giddy.
  • Gia's complete acceptance of all this is ... bizarre. Sad and bizarre.
  • Oh and I just noticed she's wearing the necklace thing on her wrist. Please take it off for your own dignity. Good gravy.
  • What is this dirt road they're taking Gia away on? Are they going to ... take care of her? Seems like the airport would be on a paved road.
  • Jake puts the cherry on top of the most awkward toast of the season with not only a group hug but talk of how hard it was to get rid of Gia. Smooth as always.
  • Be proud, ladies. Jake thinks you're "the best of the best."
Next week, good times with the return of the crazies from this season. And enough non-verbal reactions from Vienna and Tenley to keep us all guessing.

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