Monday, July 13, 2009

The Bachelorette Musings: The Final 3 in Hawaii with Jillian

Well, what better way to spend my last hours of twenty-dom than with the triumphant return of the musings! None, says I. I missed the first 10 minutes thanks to the lovely service at Fry's Pharmacy, but I think it's safe to say I didn't miss out on the moment that all the previews seem to be hinting at ... yeah, that moment. Before it happens, let's just reel off some jokes, shall we?
  • It's the limpest moment in bachelorette history! Kaboom!
  • Yes, we choose to forego our individual rooms tonight ... and any chance of arousal. Pazing!!
  • Jillian. Gentlemen, this is the final boner tonight! Zang!
  • Gentlemen, I'm sorry. Take a moment. Say your goodbyes ... to getting it on! Kuh-zingo!!
  • Ed, do you accept this Viagra? Cuz you seem to need it. Zorp!!
  • Fantasy suite? More like can't-asy suite! Hello!
Okay, onto the show ...
  • While I appreciated Jillian's rejection of all fantasy suite cards last week, have there always been dub-fantasy-suite opportunities in a given season? I mean, if the chick holds out on one fantasy suite, but not on the next, does that still count as holding out?
  • Jillian's aboot / about comes and goes like Cruise's German accent in Valkyrie.
  • Jillian's dress for her outdoor date with Reid looks like a gray top with a yellow skirt ... but it isn't! It's totally a two-tone dress. It's not a skirt/top at all. I'm serious. It's like a hypercolor and those Magic Eye paintings from the mall got together and had a baby. A dress baby.
  • Reid: "This'll be my first helicopter ride." Jillian: "This'll be like my 5th helicopter ride ... televised ... on ABC."
  • Helicopter pastor? As Puck from The Real World says, if you get married on a helicopter, you stay on the helicopter. Too obscure of a quote? I agree.
  • Jillian confirms the answers to her questions way too much. "Did you have fun today? Yeah?" "Did the marriage talk on the helicopter make you nervous? It did?" "Is it insanely hard to figure out if I'm cute or not? Is it?"
  • Last chance to nominate me while I'm in my 20s! 866-739-3150! Oops, too late.
  • Is Ed a big Magnum P.I. fan or are those shorts really short? Like Stockton short.
  • Holy crap, Ed. This is some boring times. Did y'all catch my 10-minute-road-trip music video? Much more exciting than meeting Ed's parents.
  • Woah! Jillian. That is quite the white out-of-the-bathroom top-thingy you've got there.
  • Okay, so "I couldn't show Jillian that I really, truly love her" = shoulda ordered up some Cialis from room service, right? Way to keep it ambiguous there, ABC.
  • Yeah, but, Ed ... did you do IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTT!!!?!?!?
  • If there's one thing you should know about these videos that the guys prepared for you, it's that they're private. Very private to be exact. So private that only you and eventually all of America will see them.
  • Is Jillian a robot? Did she just have a reboot or something? "Ed, I do. Have con-ssserns. That I ffffeel like are getting. In the way. Of my. Deh-ssssision." Run that tape back and laugh.
  • Ed and KG agree: anything is possible.
Well, that was sufficiently boring. Next week does not look bad. Hopefully Wes wasn't previously booked for a show in Chihuahua, Mexico.

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