Sup. I skipped over "The Men Tell All" cuz I heard Wes was booked putting on a concert for his adoring fans in Chihuahua, Mexico. Ergo, I'm out. Onto the finale! If you really think about it, could this franchise's track history make their finales any less climactic? All we'll learn tonight is who Jillian will date for 6 months before they break up, right? ANYWAY I guess watching the train wreck unfold is what it's all about.
Tonight's questions: will Ed wear his green shorts again? Does Kiptyn have a 12 pack or a 24 pack? Will Ed be able to give Jillian the "passion she deserves?"* Let's find out.
- Apparently tonight is the most emotional season finale ever, but I still don't think it will top the most dramatic outside shot of a hotel room light turning on ever from the last episode. Ah, memories.
- In a show filled with "journeys," "connections," and "staying true to yourself," what exactly does "slaying dragons" mean? Is Wes the dragon? Or maybe she means Ed's pride?
- [Gasp!] White pants!
- Jill to Ed: "Do you wanna tell everyone our story?" Ed: "Let me start." Jill: "Okay you start." Me: "Yeah, that's what 'do YOU wanna tell everyone our story' means. You don't need to ask to start when someone requests a story directly from you."
- You know what's fun? Job interviews -- er, I mean, a conversation with Peggy. Oh wait, same thing.
- Hey, Peggy. 1) I think you're a robot. 2) How 'bout you slow down your blinking subroutine?
- Anyone else notice that the family went equally apeshit for Jillian's arrival on both her family dates? Seriously what's with the squeal from Jill on both days and the hopping from the cousin? And what's with Peggy remaining emotionless and seated on the couch during the Ed/Jill arrival and then standing and hugging for the Kiptyn/Jill arrival?
- You know what Jillian has here in this episode? She's got "the choice to choose between two guys." Couldn't have said it better myself, Peggy.
- Seriously what is WRONG with Peggy? Why is she not facing Kiptyn on the couch and instead facing forward and rotating her head 100 degrees to her right? I used to like Canada, but this woman is giving me serious doubts.
- How old is the Cousin Tory? 24? 38? 34? 27? 43? There are very few ages you could throw at me that would result in me blinking.
- Do the producers of the bachelor understand that it is possible to go on a date that doesn't involve a helicopter ride? I'm pretty sure I'd be bored on a helicopter ride at this point.
- She's picking Kiptyn. No way she doesn't. The chick that took the so-called "bad ass" Wes all the way to the top 5 ... is going to pick the dude that is playing hard to get. And that dude is Kiptyn.
- See what they did? See what they did there? They showed the hotel room light turning OFF! And then they showed a volcano erupting! Kaboom! And then they showed a train going into a tunnel! Slam-zam! And then they showed a hot dog going into bun! Shame on you, ABC! This is a family show!
- Nice to see they put the two dudes up at different hotels. Wouldn't want to have a "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" scenario on our hands ... or would we? Mental note made for next season.
- If you fell asleep or walked the dog or entered into an extremely short term coma during the 20 minutes between the end of Kiptyn's date and Jillian's arrival at the final decision spot, let me catch you up ... I had some yogurt. It was good.
- Well I'll be gd'd, Jillian. You're the first chick ever to dump lil' Kippy. Well done.
- I'd pay a decent chunk of money to see Jill take a wrong step on the bridge and go head first into the pool. At least it would break up the most boring hour in bachelorette history.
- Bigger twist? Reid showing back up in Hawaii? Or Reid showing back up in Hawaii wearing those ridiculous shoes?
- Reid's following one of those age old mantras: if a girl rejects you, wait for her to have two overnight dates with other dudes and then propose wearing no tie and ridiculous shoes. Tale as old as time.
- Just when you thought getting the boot on the last episode was embarrasing, eh, Reid?
- How horrible is it that I'm giggling as Reid drives away? I mean those shoes were just ridiculous! No, but seriously shoes aside ... ridiculous.
- Jillian drops the f bomb for the crane shot. Pretty endearing there, Canada. Well done.
- ED! Purple tie! Sup, dude. Here's what I would have said if I were Chris Harrison: "Holy shit, ED! Dude, you have no fracking idea what has gone down here today. Man, seriously this is crazy times! Uh, that is a ... that's a purple tie there, my man. Anyway, for real, you really have no idea. Man you're lucky. Now get the f out there!" [pat on the ass]
- Just after the proposal, cut to Chris Harrison: "Play them out, Wes!" How great would that have been?
*When they say passion, they mean boner.
PS ... looks like the Simmons household agrees with me. Check the timing of my tweets vs. theirs.