The Bachelor Diaries: On The Wings of Self Loathing

Well here we are again. Looks like we're in for another week of interaction that leaves you wondering "what exactly do they see in this guy besides the aviation and the abs?" At least we get some funny accents and a lot of dramatic leaning.

Fashion question - long sleeve shirt while wearing shorts and flip flops ... better than a hoodie leather jacket?
"That's the empire state building with the thing on the top." Really, Gia? Really?
Amazing conversationalist moment #1: "So this is where you're from."
Good news! The mega-annoying laugh has been upgraded to hyperultra-annoying.
"He always as they say 'has my back.'" Who's they, Gia's mom? I don't think anyone knows what you mean.
Gia's brother Erick's hair takes the blowout to new levels. In your face, Pauly D.
Gia's mom is a cliche machine. She's a multi-conglomerate cliche factory. "Reach for them stars, but keep one foot on that ground." She likes to throw in her own little twists though ... obviously.
Onto Ali's town ... full leg and arm clasp hug count: 2. Are they coached on these greetings?
Amazing conversationalist moment #2: "There's a lot of leaves."
Ali: "My mom is not an easy lady ..." she says "... to impress." Whew. That was about to get awkward there.
I'll confess to spending the majority of the Ali family dinner date trying to figure out what was wrong with Gretzky during the Olympic opening ceremonies last night. Did that dude have to use the restroom or something?
Just got snapped back into focus when Ali said she'd marry Jake today. I'm guessing Jake would like to see her open up a bit more. It's gonna be tough when she has all these walls up.
Hmmm, looks like Tenley's date is not going to be a big upper and it looks like Ali loses it later.
Aaaaaaand the streak is broken. No leg clasp from Tenley. Damn your walls, Tenley. Damn them!
I wonder what Mia would have to say about Tenley's routine? Or even Jill?
Unlike Gia's mom, Tenley isn't interested in Jake having her back, she just hopes that "We'll be a we." Tenley's a cliche innovator.
If you ever want Jake to say the word "aviation" just say something like "You saw what Jake loves" and then pause for 0.25 seconds. Guaranteed he says "aviation" with an especially pompous tone.
The Tenley dinner in a word: eeeeeemotions.
Jake to Tenley's dad: "I guess what I'm asking is ... can I marry your daughter ... assuming I pick her from the 4 girls I'm currently dating that is."
Tenley's dad, thanks for playing along. Really, we appreciate it, but c'mon you're not really granting your marital blessing after 2 hours, right?
Onto Vienna's date. Of course she lives in Florida. Reminds me of a segment that Carolla used to do on his radio show called "Germany or Florida" where someone would read a news article about some crazy person doing something insane and then Carolla would guess if the story originated in Germany or Florida. Vienna is one giant game of Germany or Florida.
Jake goes 2 for 4 with leg clasps. You can't win 'em all, Jake.
Jake also goes 2 for 4 with dates involving boats which leads to this exchange ...
Vienna: "You do know how to drive a boat, right?" Jake: "Aviation. Er, I mean. Yes."
Hey, Vienna's dad, I've got 2 words for ya. Consider Lasik.
Is Vienna adopted? Honestly she looks nothing like these people.
So Ali has to go home cuz of her job? But she checks her email on the weekends, what more do these corporate slave drivers want!?!? Probably for her not be gone for weeks at a time dating a pilot.
This is the look of a chick that just remembered how much she hates her competition ... and is ready to jet.
Also, is this a hair style that Ali is rocking? Or is it just ... hair?
Crap I just remembered a clip from "this season on the bachelor" with Ali that hasn't happened yet. So much for the suspense. See you on the exotic date.
This is why I watch the Bachelor. I think this is why we all watch the Bachelor. She held this pose for a good 15 seconds.
Huh. I guess my memory failed me. Later, Ali.
I hope that Gia, Vienna and Tenley have all stood in silence this whole time. Possibly an occasional laugh out of nowhere from Gia that makes the other two roll their eyes.