The Bachelor Diaries: On The Wings of Reeeeveeeenge!!

Well I just did some yoga and now I'm sitting down for a nice bachelor blog. All elements of masculinity have left my being. Awesome. The title of this week's blog is in the hopes that Eyes On The Prize Ali really lays the smack down ... on everyone. Harrison has my hopes high via "this week on The Bachelor." Get it on!!!

• This week's leather jacket mod ... a hoodie. How very Mayer of you, Jake.
• On the surface, I'll say this, Jake. Not too rough on the eyes, this crowd.
• Two responses to Tenley realizing she's having the first date. 1) She reads her name has no reaction at all. And then reads "Let's get our love on track in San Francisco" and FREAKS OUT. What the hell? Did she not recognize her own name? Why the delayed freak out? 2) Do you think Gia learned this move from her last boyfriend Carl Pavano.
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• Plenty more details on Gia and all the other ladies including possible spoilers here if you're interested. Good lookin' out, Ando.
  
• Yes! Ali and Vienna group date. Shit is going down. It is going down!
• F you, Corrie! You tricked me! I don't take kindly to tricksters.
• Hmmm, this cat fight is much more boring and annoying than I would have expected. They both make no sense.
• Write your own fortunes? Barf, hurl, etc. I'd be better off back on the yoga mat.
• Jake's giant wooden chest arrives. Gia: "What is all this?" Tenley: "This is a whole lot of clothes to choose from." I can see why Jake likes her sense of humor.
• Word count of the Gia/Vienna data so far. Vienna: 3,487. Gia: "This is crazy." 3 if you're scoring at home.
• On the bright side, no more horrible giddy laughter from Gia. In its place: insane insecurity. She's very dynamic, that Gia.
• Personally I could have handled more of the Vienna wanders the castle with a lamp montage. Wait, no. What's the opposite of more?
• So Vienna's eye make up during the confessional ... she was going for Skeletor?
• So Jake's got Corrie on the boat and he ... wipes crums off her face and doesn't kiss her?
• Holy balls I want to smash this keyboard this is so awkward!! Too close for missiles, switch to guns and make your damn move!
• I'd like to call into question Jake's shoes during the aquarium date. That is all.
• Not to look too far ahead, but we might as well not even set up a fantasy suite for Corrie's final date, right?
  
• Is it just me or did Ali and Corrie wear virtually the same outfit for their respective dates?
• This insanely bubbly side of Ali ... not into it. She LOVES the clenched teeth high pitch voice move. "I'm sooovvvvvexcvivvtedvvvv!!"
• "What's that? A crab? ... Well he scored on that one didn't he?" I officially hate this guy.
  
• I tried to listen to Ali and Jake's Vienna conversation, but I honestly couldn't. I'd ask what happened but I don't even care at this point.
• "You want to jump in the water? And when I say 'jump in' I mean run towards the water and then stop quickly and get our pants all wet."
• If Jake is one thing, it's well spoken. "I can't believe we have to do this again. It's just like ... gaaaa." Actual quote. Verbatim. And he accompanied it with this face ...
  
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• This is your bachelor, America. Shoot me. Shoot us all.
  
• "Just because I'm a virgin doesn't mean I'm not in touch with my sensual side," says Corrie. I believe her, yo. I don't know why but I do.
• Jake to Corrie: "You are not any different than how I hoped you would be." What. Does that even. MEAN!?!? Is this what passes for charming these days?
• So Gia says that Jake passed a test of hers. Unless I heard her wrong, the test was "what does a guy do when he has the opportunity to sleep with another girl while I'm upstairs?" You're a real slave driver, Gia.
• Aaaaaaaaand the giddy laugh is back. I'm just dry heaving at this point I've barfed so much.
• Harrison! Oh I've never been so happy to see you. Bless you, sir, for you mark the end of the episode.
• They're RE-PLAYING the "it's okay to fall" clip? All testosterone has exited my body having had to see that scene twice.
• I think Jake could have summited the Everest of awkward if he had put his legs over Harrison during the interview ... you know, he doesn't want Harrison to feel left out.
• Doh! Corrie gets the boot. I was really looking forward to the fantasy suite exchange.
• I liked Corrie. I'll admit it. She's the only one that didn't seem to go all weirdo in the environment of the show.
• I know Family Guy says to always end on a good joke, but I've got nothing. You're sucked the life out of me, Jake and co.
  

Next week, home town time. Looks like Vienna's dad and Gia's mom are NOT going to disappoint. And Harrison has more tricks up his sleeve. He better protect Gia's hawwt.