The Bachelor Diaries: On The Wings of Pyromania

From what I understand, this is the episode Cougar tries to make a transition to Ice Man ... except with fire, a rose fire. Not the best opening ever, I'll admit. Quick -- to the bullets!!

The ladies fill in quite nicely in Liz's absence when it comes to the non-verbal reactions to Harrison. Raised eyebrows, I like that. Exaggerated exhale, yes, work it! Glancing left to right, no! No! No good!
Harrison, answer me something, buddy. What did you think the ladies thought the RVs were for besides loading into them and traveling in them? Last I checked RVs were pretty much designed for a single purpose.
Side note: why did Ali climb into the luggage compartment?
The ladies have assigned RVs like assigned seats in 2nd grade? Odd.
Did Ella just rock a "rollin' with the homies?" RIP, Brittany Murphy.
Having seen the ladies' "home" videos, I just may never turn on my Flip video again.
You set up a tent in a vineyard, Jake? Or a field of grapes? Seriously dude, which is it?
Ali is breaking down the match ups. This is pretty awesome. She just basically asked for the ball on the post against Vienna and even said she'd "take one for the team." We like sports and we don't care who knows!
Okay, stilettos, fear of RVs and lack of knowledge about portable showers aside, Gia's girly-isms are getting to be a little much. The hair tosses and the giggles are kinda not working.
Hmmm, 2 person spin the bottle. Wonder how this is gonna turn out. Barf.
I never imagined turning on Gia so quickly. The laugh. Is. KILLING me.
The date card arrives ... "Next stop: falling INN love." Hmmm, let me guess. It's gonna be a date at a STOP sign. No? We're going to see the Nic Cage blockbuster NEXT? No? Well, whatever it is it better not having anything to do with a quaint motel ... cuz I hate those.
Cry time for Gia. Cue the piano rendition of "On The Wings of Annoying Laugh".
Okay, the RV'ing, the dune buggying, the sand surfing ... I'm starting to wish I was on this date. PS Jake, you suck at sand surfing.
What the hell? An INN? I warned you, Jake!
Why is this Ashleigh/Jake convo so awkward? I'd recommend skipping it all and just going in for the kill there, Ice Man. I think that would go over a lot better than "but anyway" and "what else?"
You know what Ali is? Aware of her surroundings. She's doing the damn rose countdown with Jake himself. Eyes on the prize, Ali.
Giving a speech where you talk about someone without mentioning their name til the end ... seems difficult judging by the number of "ya know's" that Jake just dropped.
We're onto hour 2 on abc.com and for those scoring at home, I just chose "normal commercial breaks" instead of watching an extended commercial at the start ... I didn't see that coming.
The name "Big Sur" has always perplexed me. Why did they leave off the "f" from surf and/or why didn't they spell "sir" correctly. Answer right here: "the name originates from Rio Grande del Sur, the biggest river in the South." What you've got there is a not-so-fun fact. A boring fact.
Per Ms. Rose, Jake just dropped the first "how are you?" of the night by my count ... and this was after a dinner's worth of conversation with this chick.
Uh oh, Kathryn. The last girl that tried out frustration-crying during a date ... it didn't end so well for that young lady.
Also, Kathryn, I just had to go look up your name. Not a good sign considering this bachelor has yet to burn any roses yet tonight.
Nothing says you aren't getting a rose like starting a conversation with "I think you're such an amazing person."
The DOUBLE boot? Wow. We haven't seen a move like this since Big Swayze. I'm starting to be impressed here, Ice Ma--er, I mean, Cougar.
Is it odd to anyone else that the ladies are sad about reducing their competition by 2 instead of 1?
Like Ando said ... "this is the first of many decisions I'm gonna make that no one's gonna understand ... and it's only gonna get worse." Really might be THE quote in Bachelor history (you heard me, Harrison).
Only way to follow up a quote like that ... cry in the shadows of the cabin and then chuck a rose in the fire. Reasonable. Logical. I like it. Classic "if a, then b" scenario.
Honestly what does that quote even mean? Only gonna get worse for Jake? He realizes he's the one making the decisions, right?
I'll say it, the leather jacket over the suit jacket ... is not working, Jake.
You know what Jake is all about? Shots. Tell us something we don't know.
"So how you doing?" count - 2.
Allie's awareness continues by openly discussing Jake's "move" from the previous night and boosting the guy's ego and complementing his decision making skills in the process. Eyes on the prize.
"How are you?" - 3.
"So how are ya?" - 4. Good lookin' out, J-Ro.
It's official, everyone. The Bachelor has gone fully digital. No more phone number if you want to nominate a bachelor. I think this is what the inventors of the Internet were hoping for. I really do.
"Gia, Tenley, you've already received roses this week ... aaaaand you're not boning any of our staffers ... (that we know of) ... so you've got nothing to worry about." Honestly, shouldn't he have to say that every time for at least this season?
Hey Gia, that cross legged stance thing is cool and all, but cut it out.
I appreciate that Jake is laying out a pecking order while giving out the roses.Ali first and then Corrie. All according to plan so far.
Awkward pause ... and let's get dramatic, everyone! Look out, we've got bad lighting, an assistant producer with a clip board and a not-so-steady cam. Shit is going down, people. It is going down!
Even Seacrest would be proud of this cliff hanger commercial break.
I appreciate so much about Harrison's phrasing. 1) "There are two women in there that are definitely not going to be your wife" and 2) "we'll take care of it."
Harrison: "You want me to take away one of the roses?" Jake: "Well if I could burn one of them, that'd be preferable, but I guess taking it away will work."
Jake is like Crazy Gideon tonight. Everything must go! He is stacking them high and letting them fly! Because he's crazy!
Except for Vienna. She must stay ... and drive every other woman on the earth insane apparently.
And the non-verbal award of the night goes to Corrie. This face says "You're welcome, Jake. I'll hang in there and believe in you. You can be my wingman any time."