The Bachelor Diaries: On The Wings of Hate, Episode 1

Wasn't quite sure if I was gonna keep my streak alive with this ridiculous show and even more ridiculous blog, but the opening puff piece was enough to fuel my despise for this new bachelor and devote myself to snarking him to death.

• The puff piece - no wonder he got the boot. That suit/tie combo on opening night last season was horrrrrific.
• "Before I could get back out there, I knew I had to take some time off, walk near a pool, awkwardly walk around my city, spend an inordinate of time alone in a pool, drink some tap water with my shirt off and film some establishing shots reflecting my life as a pilot. Only then would I be ready to be The Bachelor." Bite me, puff piece.
• Who was the biggest pansy in the Top Gun movie? Cougar? Drops out before Top Gun even started and his name is later used to describe females. Yeah, let's go with "Cougar" from here on out.
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• "It's the most dramatic season of The Bachelor ever." Who had 3 minutes, 17 seconds in the hyperbole pool wins.
• I think Alexa would eat Cougar alive ... as well as every other chick they've shown in these horrible secondary puff pieces.
• We've now had 2, count them 2 ladies rolling out this pose (NNSFW - not necessarily safe for work) during their puff piece. Probably time to start questioning these ladies intentions there, Cougar.
• So apparently there was a quota - at least 75% of Cougar's bachelorettes must be 25.
• Did I miss anything during the Harrison/Cougar interview? I couldn't stomach it. Had to fast-forward. I assume Harrison made Cougar relive his rejection moment 5 to 49 times over the course of 4 questions.
• Rozlyn is a weird flirter. Is it a good sign when a girl grabs your wrist and then walks away?
• Emily is a "Fit Model" ... is there another kind?
• No courtesy laugh from Cougar on "you got a registry from those guns?" Wow. Cougar trying to step up to Ice Man status.
• The captain in the Air Force cleans up pretty nicely. I did not see that coming.
• "What's your favorite place?" "Right here. Right now!" "Huh ... well. Mine's snowboarding!" Move to the top of the awkard podium.
• AAAAAAAAAND you've immediately been outdone by Ashleigh and the recently watered down sandstone driveway.
• My money's on Michelle from Anaheim for the first impression rose.
• Allie, the self-admitted Warcraft widow with no voice outdoes herself by tearing her dress.
• These ladies are sharp. "I think we should tell her that her flight is getting evacuated." I don't even know ... what that means.
• Okay, the football gag ... possibly a little forced but I can't deny that I'm into it. Well played, Elizabeth. And for the record she runs a route better than Cougar throws.
• Oh no! Michelle, what have you done? You turned crazy on me and you don't even seem to have taken a drink. Pull up, Cougar! Pull up!
• I think Harrison already revealed this, but honestly this night must be 8 hours+ long. This fracking girl is teaching him to dance.
• Holy crap how is it possibly getting worse? My first impression rose choice is crying and she hasn't even talked to the dude yet. Worst. Prediction. Ever.
• "Looks like Jake could use some help tonight so we called a couple of his old friends ... Bono and The Edge!" No. Wait. It's just Jillian and Jason and Jillian's insane dress.
• One thing I'll say about Kimberly ... she's a real puma in the sack, am I right!?!?! Go Thunder!
• "Opening Up" count - 1. Over/under for the season: 23.5.
• Oh thank God for Harrison. I've never been so happy to see you. This is the most boring opening night ever. Did they forget to spike the punch?
• Elizabeth from Nebraska - the football girl ... on the wings of LOVE up and above the clouds the only way to fly is on the wings of love! Oh sorry. Got carried away. Safe to say I'm not mad at Cougar for that pick.
• Wow, Michelle (cry-time) gets a rose. I say again, Cougar, pull up!
• Just in time to save this horrible episode, Hungry is back. I'm suddenly smiling ear to ear.
• This season on The Bachelor ... Jake takes his shirt off. A lot. Except for when he burns a rose! Blasphemer!! And then apparently Harrison has to regulate. Dang.

Well, we're off to a boring start ... thanks to a boring first episode. I can only work with the material I've been given, people.