The Bachelor Diaries: On The Wings of Nervous, Episode 2

Ugh, well here we are on a Saturday morning because Monday night has proven to be a powerhouse that my DVR cannot handle - How I Met Your Mother, Big Bang Theory, Chuck, House and this ridiculous show. Okay, Jake - err, I mean Cougar. Almost forgot.

• Apparently there's something going on tonight. Something that Harrison isn't going to stand for. Is it drama that is free of hyperbole? Cuz Harrison ain't having that biz, ya know!?!?!
• Kudos to Elizabeth from Nebraska for the non-verbal reactions. The producers are loving her.
• "A picture is worth a thousand words ... I have absolutely no idea what that means," says Christina. Wait, like really you don't know what it means? It's a metaphor which is where you use a familiar situation to describe something el -- Nevermind. You probably don't get it.
  
• Hey Jake, what is with the lack of buttons, dude?
• My ongoing complaint with the Bachelor continues. Jake, Hal from In Style is NOT your friend. You did NOT set up anything special today. A picture is NOT worth a thousand words. Oh wait.
• WOW, that photographer is owning that mustache. Good thing he wasn't involved in our competition.
  
• Christina's "freaking out" count is up to 3 but she really plateaued with that first one. I am freaking ... (wait for it) .. OWERAROUT.
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• There is entirely too much screaming during the diamond necklace sequence. Get a hold of yourself, ladies. Except you, Michelle. There's no hope for you. You're gonzo already.
• Otherwise I really only have the following to say about the pool date: good GRAVY, Rozlyn.
• Ali the warcraft widow is crying already and she's only been selected for the date. Eeeeeeeemotions.
• Hey Ali, put on a dress and these diamonds - they're gonna be PERFECT for our motorcycle ride and flight on a small plane.
• Also, ladies, in case you were wondering, Jake can fly ANYTHING on the airport. Huh? Huh? Ya see what he did there?
• Queue the title song. So so so ridiculous.
• Ali asks if she can tell Jake the names of her past relationships? No no no please no anything but that horror, Ali. Why couldn't she tell him the names? Honestly I'm asking.
• There's one more surprise, Ali. A band you most likely have never voluntarily listened to in your life and probably will never listen to again is playing a private concert for you! Why? Because they were available. Lady and gentleman, Chicago!
• Ali's confessional cliche count is off the charts. Do you see how high it is? I had to use a cliche ... to describe all her cliches! Damn you, Ali!
• Woah, one of the girls is getting it on with the staff? Harrison is outraged!
  
• My roommate Dave wins the blog. "I was hoping the group date was Jake, the cameraman and 2 chicks."
  
• An empty Six Flaggs? I am so flipping jealous. And they waste it on the swing that spins in a circle? I hate you all.
• Oh no. Elizabeth writes notes. She pours her heart into them and then reads them aloud like she's skimming a newspaper article. Bizarre.
• Also amazingly she writes even smaller than I do. Like Kevin Spacey in Se7en small.
  
• Jake is apparently "saving the biggest surprise for last" for the 2nd date in a row. Ladies and gentlemen, Boston! (Credit to Dave again on this one.)
• Ashley. Ashley's got the crazy eyes. Pull up, Cougar!
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• "You can go. It's fine," says Michelle. Has anyone ever meant what they said less than Michelle just now?
• Cameraman was boning Rozlyn? Allow me to say it again ... good GRAVY!!
• You know what always makes things less awkward? Saying "this is awkward."
• All right. Look. I agree that Ms. Gravy should go due to having "relations" with the "staffer". Seems likely that she did more than just kiss this staffer on the forehead (barf by the way, Liz and Jake). But you've gotta admit it is a little odd that this expulsion goes down on the same show where Cougar is encouraged to explore relationships with multiple peeps. Just sayin'.
  
• What kind of staffer was it? PA? Key grip? Kraft service guy? That guy that brought her the suitcase and sort of hovered over her while she packed?
• Best packing montage ever, by the way.
  
• Chris finally lets the cat out of the bag. The staffer was indeed a he. Imagine if Chris hadn't said he. GRAVY, people!!
• I think "here for the right reasons" has officially replaced "amazing," "journey" and "open up" as the buzz phrase of the Jake season and probably the series as a whole.
• Who are these girls that are getting roses? Alicia, Jessie, I don't even know you. I'm starting to wonder if they're here for the right reasons.
• Jake, whatever you do, don't pick a girl that makes this face every time she's not picked.
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• Oh no! Pull up, Cougar!
• I'm gonna miss Christina. Good confessionals. Fun drunk. Safe to say that I am freaking ... ouwawarawat! Crazy Eyes Ashley on the other hand. Not so much.

Next week, more early departures. I wonder if Harrison is gonna have to cross his arms again. "Next week, on The Bachelor, it's the most times I've had to cross my arms in Bachelor history."