The Mad Men Problem

I get it. Mad Men is a wonderful program. Draper, Campbell and crew have really outdone themselves. Peggy represents all working women. Sterling is as charming as a cheating SOB can be and Cooper is everyone's favorite super rich weirdo.

Here's the issue: Mad Men is interfering with my enjoyment of other shows.

This is not an issue of "I just can't watch the Jersey Shore any more because it just doesn't stack up against Mad Men." I think it's clear that The Shore and Mad Men are two entirely different animals. If Mad Men is a graceful swan, then The Shore is a disgusting pig that gets shit-faced every night and probably has a couple diseases that it tries to keep under wraps. But there's a time for swans and a time for diseased pigs ... as far as TV shows go.

The issue is that most of my favorite podcasts can't stop f'ing talking about Mad Men. I'm talking to you, Nerdist, Daves of Thunder, Bill Simmons and even Kevin & Bean from time to time. I've skipped near entire podcast episodes from Simmons and I've outright stopped listening to Daves of Thunder due to the never-ending Mad Men "spoiler alerts." Is the show so good that these entertainers can't bother to come up with their own material for the 'casts? I'd like to listen to your shows ... but I can't because you won't shut up with the spoiler alerts.

I'd like to enjoy the show I'm enjoying ... while I'm actually enjoying THAT show. Not some other show. This doesn't seem like a ridiculous request to me.

I don't know who to blame so I'm blaming everyone. Suck it, Mad Men. And suck it, all you entertainers that have to leech off Mad Men's popularity.

No One Doesn't Love To Have Fun

Another phrase we can all agree to stop saying: "He just loves to have fun." This is a phrase I've often heard people use to describe others and it drives me crazy. At the end of the day (winky frowny face), this may be the most redundant sentence ever. I can actually use science to prove this. Enter proof by contradiction.

Let's imagine for a second that someone hates having fun. In such a case, they would seek out activities that most of us consider not fun: root canals, filing taxes, watching The Tyra Banks Show. So our subject wakes up one day, picks out his desired activities and then jumps into the dentist chair, flips Tyra on the tube and goes to town. In doing so, he's doing what he wants to do and enjoying himself. Ergo, having fun. Unless someone is doing something someone else has forced them to do at all times, they have to choose something to do ... and no one's going to choose something to do that they hate ... and in the process you'll be having fun.

I think we can now officially strike "likes to have fun" from our collective lexicon. It's science.

The Bachelorette Musings: Ali and Roberto Chris Drama - The Finale

Somehow I've done it. I've gone an entire week without knowing what happens on the finale. And I heard this shiz had 12 million viewers? Is that for real? People are actually watching this show to find out what happens and not just laugh at Roberto's out of control sweating? Huh. Who knew.

• So far so good. I have nothing to say after Roberto's entire montage.
• And the same for Chris' montage. It's gonna be a long night. Or a short night. Depending on how you look at it.
• I guess I can't complain about the ab / chest focused establishing shots of Ali in her multiple bikinis.
• Well if anything, the room that Ali's family got should have them buttered up at least a little bit. Holy shit.
• Ali doesn't know the name of the Tampa Bay MLB team? "The Tampa Blue Rays?"
• Wait a minute. Ali and Raya are related? Has the adoption question been asked by one of them.
• Okay. Ali's mom speaking speaking Spanish ... How do you say "I am cringing" in Spanish?
• When you ask for dad's blessing, what you're really hoping to hear is "I don't have a problem with that." That's pretty much the ideal non-negative but certainly not overly positive result.
• In case you've forgotten, Roberto can salsa dance. He can also play baseball, speak Spanish and sweat profusely. That much we know for sure.
• Onto Chris' date ... a little bit breezier, but Dad's poker face remains strong. Looking forward to his response to Chris' question. Will he downgrade to "That wouldn't be the worst thing in the world" or possibly upgrade to "I would not hate it if you married my daughter."
• Ali looks a lot like her mom. A lot.
• Apparently the idea of french toast for dinner is drop dead hilarious in the Ali househould. Really way too much laughing at that concept.
• So Ali's brother ... or brother in law? I can't tell cuz I don't think he's said a word yet.
• Also I really hope that 85% of their conversations revolve around the room they have. They are actually staying in this room. That crap is crazy!
• Quote of the night from Ali's dad so far: "It is huge." No context needed.
• EXACT same response for Chris: "I would have no problem with that." Ali's dad = poker face.
• You know what's more fun than salsa dancing? Swimming off the end of the crazy room they have. Advantage Chris.
• Time for some straight talk from Poker Face. Advantage Roberto. Hands down according to Dad. Wild.
• And Raya straight talks entirely in favor of Chris. Looks like it's gonna be a grudge match all the way to the end. Or at least that's what the producers would like you to think. One or the other.
• Ali just said this and I've always had an issue with anyone who says "likes to have fun." Is there anything that needs to be said less? Are there people out there that DON'T like having fun? Assuming you're into not having fun, wouldn't you then like that and in essence be having fun? Logically speaking, I think not liking to have fun is literally impossible. Oh and Ali and Roberto hung out with sting rays.
• The Roberto night time date hasn't even started and he is sweating like mad. Are there no fans at this Hilton?
• I got you a present. Looks like it's a picture in a frame at first, but it's actually got a second use.
• Well at the end of the Roberto date, it's hard to say anything other than "Advantage Roberto."
• The Chris date is starting and I have to ask ... is something happening right now? What's with the sit down, Ali?
• Oh boy, Ali's at a loss for words. Not good, Chris. Not good.
• This is the most high profile "we're better off as friends" speech ever. Brutal.
• Could she at least mope or cry? She cried her eyes out with Frank and now nothing for Chris? Pretty weak sauce there, Ali.
• I guess props to Ali ... sorta. At least Chris doesn't have to get on one knee and then get pulled up by his hands. That's always the worst.
• So now the real grudge match begins. Chris vs. Kirk vs. Craig R for the next Bachelor.
• Little double rainbow all the way for Chris. Now he feels better. Good. I like Chris.
• One advantage to this change in format: no ring choosing montage. Cuz that's not total BS every time.
• Didn't Roberto get the first impression rose? And now he's got it all wrapped up? What are the chances?
• Son of B! Spoke too soon. Stupid ring montage begins now.
• Did that mother f'er finally tighten his tie!? F you, Roberto. What are the odds he tightens his tie at the wedding? Answer: slim cuz the wedding likely won't happen. It's just a matter of odds, people. The winners bracket: Trista and Ryan. The losers bracket: every other Bachelor/Bachelorette couple ever. Good luck, Ali and Roberto.
• They really shouldn't have made Roberto travel so far after getting dressed up. He spent most of the walk up the stairs wiping sweat from his brow.
• Wow he is really really sweating ... a lot. Brow sweat has moved onto lip sweat. Honestly how hot can it be? It looks like there's cloud cover.
• Nice job with the product spot on the ring box there, Neil Lane.
• Music montage courtesy of the Lion King soundtrack? I miss "On The Wings Of Love" immediately.
• Well it's all down hill from here. I doubt you can afford The Hilton Bora Bora on a minor league baseball salary. Congratulations to the happy couple ... for at least the next 4 months or so!

Well it's been real. It's been fun. It hasn't been real fun. Another finale that doesn't outdo the Big Swayze finale. But things are looking up. Bachelor Pad tomorrow, yow!!

The Bachelorette Musings: Ali and Man Drama Tellin' All

Big night here for the blog. We got Dave and Lubs on board for the double feature starting with the guys tell everything they've ever had to tell in their lives about this show and everything else. Or ... The Men Tell All.

• Let's start with a crazy loud song that kinda reminded me of The Shout Out Louds
• Dude in the audience count: 0 so far.
• Ali starts the night off with a black sparkly dress. Silver sparkly dress yet to come.
• How did I forget about Bubble's line: "It's just my heart ... jump in. Stay a while."
• This interview is actually kind of redeeming for Ali. She actually seems like she had a decent handle on what was going on during the season. I like that she kept Bubble along as long as she did all the while kinda knowing he was crazy.
• Blooper reel! Roberto nearly blinds Ali when he pops his cork ... yowza.
• Is Ali wearing a giant watch ... or just some sort of bracelet that looks like a watch?
• Fair to say that the range of Ali's jokes when it comes to astronauts begins and ends with ... Houston, come in.
• Chris H had his own internal nickname? And it was Phantom? No wonder we never ever saw him speak. Come to think of it, is he even eligible for this show seeing as how he can't talk?
• Derrick, 2 questions. 1) Who are you? and 2) pew pew pew pew pew right back at you, dude.
• I like that Harrison openly pretty much just said "Frank's not here, but we're gonna talk all kinds of shit about him anyone."
• Weatherman, the leather jacket ... not working, man.
• If I was Harrison, I'd prefer to be surrounded by about 18 more candles than are already there.
• All this "let me finish" talk during their confrontation of The Weatherman is giving me wonderful flashbacks to Jake and Vienna's swan song. I'd mail The Weatherman $100 right now if he said "again with the interruption ..."
• Okay, I skipped it the first time, but I can't let it go twice. Phantom has said the phrase "self promote himself" multiple times now. Does his newness to talking make him not understand that there's no one else you can self promote other than yourself?
• The dudes are sticking up for Frank? Break up or no break up, I stand by the idea that Frank sucks.
• The "guard and protect your heart" count or the GAPYHC on this episode alone is already well past double digits.
• Bubble's singing makes me physically have to turn away from the television. I literally cannot watch it.
• Ali's dismissal of Bubble might be my favorite vote off ever. The sigh and "I'm gonna give Justin the rose" ... it just says so much. It wasn't "Justin, will you accept this rose?" It was "Bubble, I can no longer handle your crazy and I have no choice but to give this rose to the other dude."
• Oh! I spotted a due in the audience. I think he's accompanying his daughter. He's wearing a sweater vest.
• Kirk, thank you. Thank you for not liking Frank. We should start a club or something.
• Most disinterested person on the entire set: the wilderness guy from the first episode that did the fishing thing who has got absolutely zero play tonight.
• Well hey, Jessie. Why do I have no recollection of you from your original season? And what is this "social networking" site you're on?
• Wow, Craig R loves that Rated Inj has no car. Loves it.
• Audience dude #2 sited. He also appears to be quite old and probably being dragged along to this event.
• 3rd audience dude sited and he is f'ing PUMPED about Ali coming up after the break. I hope he had to answer for that at work the next week.
• Yay, Ali's here and she's super sparkly yet again. Woo ... pee.
• Her hair looks like a bird's nest.
• Didn't Bubble say he's not a singer. I am again forced to physically look away from the television.
• Bloops! Wow, these guys weren't all drama all day after all. Except for the jokes about the barking dogs. Those were not funny at all.
• Dave, Lubs and I just spent the majority of the Roberto/Chris montage discussing the possibilities of how/if/when/whether Ali's had relations with these dudes. This element of the final 3 or 4 weeks HAS to play in more to the big picture of the actual relationships that these pairs are forming than ABC lets them talk about, right? I mean the thought of the other dude has to pop into the other dude's mind at some point during those dates, right?
• Bachelor Pad. Seriously. Seriously. Initial thoughts: Tenley is not cut out for this show. What's her name does NOT look better as a blonde. And I haven't heard Gia's horrible laugh yet so I've again been tricked into being attracted to her.

Somehow the finale still hasn't been spoiled for me so we'll see you for the finale live blog shortly. From the real bachelor pad ... out.

The Bachelorette Musings: Ali and Tahiti Drama

The episode that ABC has been teasing since mid-June. Let's see what you've got Frank AKA dude that I'm starting to wonder if the producers paid to keep on the show in order to increase the drama factor. Oh and Tahiti gets a crap load of free advertising. Drama in 3-2-1.

• What I like about Frank's establishing shots ... is that it seems like he is bobbing his head to the acoustic guitar riff they have rolling You have to have Ali teach you how to stare longingly out into space.
• Frank has 2 roller suitcases? What kind of man is this?
• Roberto carries around an actual cd ... with a jewel case ... of the Lion King? Can someone teach him that he can hide all the embarrassing music he wants on an iPod?
• Frank not only rocks the longing stare out into the nothing, but then caps it off with the dramatic removal of the glasses. Looks like someone's going to get a rose ... the final rose. Yowwwwwwwwwwww!
• Wait, let me try again. This is gonna be sweet ... fantasy suite. Yowwwwwwwwwwwww!
• Okay, one more. We might be looking at history here ... Bachelorette history. Yoowwwwwwww! Shoulda stopped at 2? I agree.
• Nicole who what? Oh right. The drummed up drama. How could I have forgotten?
• How can we drum up drama and stretch this episode? We bump out to Frank doing a voice over while he leaves the hotel. We bump in to Frank STILL doing a voice over while he walks the streets. Can we have him call someone and let the phone ring 7 times too?
• Frank, I say this as a guy who severely dislikes you ... shut UP, dude!! Your voice over has made us successfully not care about anything you do or say or feel ever.
• So far I'm a huge fan of Nicole ... who has not said a single word since sitting on the couch. I sincerely hope she's getting paid.
• Bah, she starts speaking only to reveal the worst news ever ... she likes Frank.
• This is the worst conversation ever. Frank is trying to see if he has a spark with Nicole by talking about how great things are with Ali. Good plan, Frank.
• The continuity issues with this conversation just sky rocketed to a ridiculous level. Shot 1 ... and jump cut to shot 2.
• You're spending the rest of your lives together? Great. You're perfect for each other. I'll buy your honeymoon for you if you would just shut your mouth.
• I just looked up from making my drawings above to see the ridiculous shot of Ali coming out of the water throwing her hair back. You do realize I was joking about the Tahiti commercial, right ABC?
• Was Roberto sweating profusely from the chest during their ride in that, uh ... what's it called. Those flying devices that have blades that spin around ... there was a black one in an 80s show named after a wolf of some kind ... I'm blanking.
• It needs to be said. This lagoon is ridiculous ... in spite of its heart shape that has been mentioned 74 times.
• I think it's really hot in Tahiti. Roberto is sweating balls again at dinner.
• Roberto has redundant tendencies when he gets nervous as in ... "I want to make sure my feelings are reciprocated back."
• From Harrison: "Dear Ali and Roberto, here's a room key. Someone get Roberto a cold shower cuz he is sweating like Shaquille O'Neal right now. PS as should already be apparent, I'm psychic ... how else could I have written this card ahead of time?"
• Euphamisms for sex so far: "He made it very clear tonight that he is in this for the long haul." "We get to spend special alone time together tonight."
• The Chris date has been rolling for a good 10 minutes now. I have nothing to say. They seem normal together. That's all I've got. Probably helps that they aren't at a beach that is arbitrarily shaped like something representing love.
• Are you allowed to just start cracking open clam shells like that? Do you need a permit or something?
• It's note-from-Harrison time. "Dear Ali and Chris, try your best to forget that Roberto and Ali cashed in on this card not too long ago. We won't give you same room or anything. It'll be a different room pretty far away from where Ali and Roberto had 'special time' ... so waddayasay?"
• I like that Frank packed 2 full bags even though he only came here to break up with Ali. And that he still refers to Nicole as his "ex girlfriend."
• Frank is amazing. Harrison: "How do you think Ali's going to take it?" Frank: "I have no idea." I think you have some idea, Frank.
• I've got a prediction ... Pain.
• I'm happy realizing I will never have such an odd conversation in my whole life as this Frank/Harrison convo is.
• Does Frank honestly not know what to do here? Did he expect Harrison to tell him to write a poem for her and it'd all be fine? Or maybe to ride it out until just after the fantasy suite and then let her know?
• Ali misses Frank? She's head over heels for him? What in the hell is going on in this world?
• "Ali, we need to talk ... and when I say talk, I mean we need to sit down and have the most pregnant pause ever ... so long that it makes you start crying before I even say anything. Wait for it. Wait for it. Nope, still not ready to start talking. Let's ride this silence out a little longer. This is a 2 hour show after all."
• If I was Frank, I'd break the ice with "It's so damn hot! Milk was a bad choice."
• And now let's both cry and put our heads in our hands and say nothing for 10 seconds. This is what our lives have led us to.
• Our first mope moan is accompanied with a dramatic tossing of flip flops. The producers are high fiving just off camera, right?
• Kudos to Dave ... how great would it have been if Harrison busted in with the fantasy suite card right before they hugged?
• Can someone remind Ali about the two dudes she boned in the last week?
• If you're Nicole, do you break up with Frank upon seeing him cry this much over another chick? I hope so ... a lot.
• Kudos to the producers for putting Frank's picture in the deliberation room. Man, Ali could really stick it to Roberto or Chris by giving a flower to Frank even when he's not there and is with another chick.
• Good news: Harrison also has high hopes that Ali's future husband is still participating in the game and hasn't dumped Ali for an ex girlfriend.
• Harrison: "I think we should still have a rose ceremony because ... we have some time to kill. So the guys are arriving soon ... by boat. Just wanted you to know their means of transportation in case that effects your decision. I know that your decision would be totally different if they were arriving by foot. Okay. When you're ready."
• Ali: "I'm a little nervous going into this rose ceremony because I have to tell the guys that I'm choosing them by default." (For the record, I typed this bullet before Ali specifically said she wasn't choosing them "by default" ... I'm not happy that she and I used the exact same phrase even if I was joking and she was serious.)
• Different country, same BS rose ceremony featuring a semi-weird and not-so-great dress from Ali and casual Friday from the gents.
• You know why I like Ali? Cuz she sums up a crazy vague and confusing monologue with "It is what it is." Dis-like.
• Up next, we take this show all the way overrrrrrrrr ... to a different part of Tahiti ... and Roberto continues to sweat profusely.

But first, the men tell all ... as if they hadn't been doing that all season ... some in the form of permanent body ink. Good times.

The Bachelorette Musings: Ali and Man Drama - Family Style!

This week, we're back in the good ol' US of A where Kirk shows Ali his dad's basement (not a euphemism), Roberto gives Ali a baseball card, Chris' family seems semi-normal and Frank remains insecure (probably because he lives with his parents).

• These establishing shots are so dumb. I couldn't really figure out what "back in the states" meant until I saw Ali actually walking "in the states."
• So Roberto lives in Tampa near a school I guess.
• Wow, hilarious ... a baseball jersey with a name on it. Let's over-laugh some more.
• Judging from his one and only at bat, Roberto really knows how to ground into a double play.
• I've had a lot of my own baseball cards that I've shown to girls I've been trying to date ... to no avail. If only those cards had been from said girl's home town, then apparently I would have faired a lot better.
• Ali is meeting Roberto's dad Roberto, his mom Olga, his sister Olga and his sister in law Olga. I only lied about one of the previous names.
• Roberto (the older one) to Ali: "What are some of your personal goals?" Ali: "Mine?" Roberto: "No, personal goals that aren't yours, you flipping weirdo."
• Ali's thought bubble while talking to Old-berto: "This guy likes trophies and baseball and sports, if I say 'team' A LOT, he's that much more likely to like me."
• And to finish it off, let's team up all the Robertos and Olgas and dance awkwardly in the living room.
• Next up ... welcome to rainy Cape Cod. Judging from Ali's tennis ball toss to Chris' dog, she didn't learn anything from Roberto (either of them).
• Ali: "When Chris is feeling comfortable, I'm feeling comfortable ... and vice versa." Not quite sure Ali has the term 'vice versa' all figured out yet.
• Huh ... apparently it's a "dennis" bracelet "as seen on The Bachelorette."
• I have nothing to say about Chris' family. They're extremely normal and cool and are knocking it out of the park with Ali (or at least she best be seeing it that way).
• Fun fact: both of Chris' sisters in law are named Olga. Not really.
• Ali's time with Kirk's family is off to a great start. Ali and the step mom just had a really awkward hand-shake-oh-wait-we're-hugging-wait-no-okay-yeah-we're-hugging exchange.
• And now for the oh-so-hyped taxidermy awkwardness. Judging from the previews, this is as good as this episode has to offer.
• Kirk's dad: "What that is ... is a caribou foot that I put eyes on." Ali: "Well, no shit what else would it be."
• Huh. Beyond all the visually aided caribou feet, Ali's dad seems pretty normal and actually offers up some really nice words and good advice to Ali and Kirk. Didn't see that coming.
• You know what's not gonna not suck? ABC's The Gates.
• What's more awkward than adult braces? Senior citizen braces. Well done, Kirk's mom.
• TV #2 is showing the "legends" soft ball game. Marisa Miller just laid down a stronger grounder than Roberto. Other weird note from the legends game: Bo Jackson is still alive. Who knew.
• I'll let Kirk sum it up: "I am falling for this girl and ... I have fallen. I fell ... recently for this girl. Me fall. I fallded."
• Ah, the L train, Navy Pier, the Cubbies ... there's no place like Tulsa.
• Hey Ali, we're going on a boat. It's like a helicopter built for the water.
• Ali: "What I like about Frank is that he's at a point where he can get up and go anywhere. And when I say 'get up,' I mean get up from the bed in his room in his parents' house. And when I say 'go anywhere,' I mean move out, get a job and try to become a man. It's kind of perfect for us."
• Most confusing line of the show so far: "I think Frank and I are great together."
• Great news. Dating In The Dark is back August 9th. So awkward and wonderful.
• Bummer. No Olgas in Frank's family.
• So I've heard of the "Deep V," but it looks like Frank is wearing the "Deep U?"
• Onto the cocktail party where Chris ends his second sit-down interview in a row with the girl crying. Thank goodness Ali didn't try to talk about her dog.
• It's announcement time and Roberto's tie is loose, Frank is wearing some kind of weird lapel jacket with jeans and Ali's mope face is on.
• My money is on Kirk going bye bye. Probably because of the caribou foot face. That's just something you can't un-see.
• It's like that old wive's tale says ... Put on some dress shoes, you get a rose. Well done, Chris.
• Kirk responds to rejection with a couple firm head nods, straight talk and a smile. Cold as ice!
• Ali responds with moping. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhocking.
• Nothing cures a broken heart like a free trip to Tahiti and awkward laughter. Check and check.

Next week: wow Tahiti is crazy gorgeous. Seriously. Oh and Frank "needs to talk." PS how was there not more footage of Jenny in this episode?

The Bachelorette Musings: Ali and Man Secrets

Heyo! So we're in some tropical location this week, right? Well hot or cold climates, looks like one of Ali's men always has some kind of secret bomb to drop. Let's see what we've got this week. Oh and happy birthday to America (yesterday) and Lubs today. 'Merica!!

• If the men weren't all in shorts and flip flops, I'd think this was the same square where they met in Iceland for the awkward poetry hour. Diversity!
• Theme of the episode so far: clap it out. No roses! (Clap clap clap.) Lisbon! (Clap clap clap.) Chris Harrison! (Clap clap clap.)
• Do the men get notes from the producers to roll with the ambiguous date card clues? Or are their reactions genuine? They haven't realized that every date card follows the formula of possibly sexual innuendo + common figure of speech + loose relation to the actual course of the date?
• I don't know if this date is going well or not ... I was too busy picking up one of those Canon cameras over on Amazon.co -- son of a b! They got me with the product spot again! Damn your oh-so-subtle and insanely effective marketing ploys. PS Ali and Roberto have nothing on us.
• Next date card ... "Let's find our future in the past." Okay so maybe my formula needs a little work cuz that one seems to just be a random jumble of words.
• Ali: "What kind of meals does your mom make?" Roberto: "All that Spanish stuff that I don't know what it's called." So either Roberto's vocabulary is wayyyy limited or his mom doesn't make tacos, burritos, enchiladas, tamales, arroz con pollo or any of the other 10 Spanish entrees I could reel off.
• Well I never thought I'd say this, but thank goodness for Jake and Vienna cuz that Roberto date buhhhhhhlewwwwwww.
• Frank, Ty and Ali hit the helicopter and actually react like people that have ridden on one 6 or so times in the last couple months. Well done, all.
• Now I see when the 2nd date card was so random ... cuz they already used the castle cliche and they're headed to another castle.
• Why are we whispering? It's just a deer.
• This just in ... a 2-on-1 date is less optimal than a 1-on-1 date. In other ground breaking news, Ali likes yellow, Portugal has a shit-ton of castles and Miss Lippy's car is green.
• Next date card: "Once upon a time ..." If I was producing this ep, I probably have gone with "Uh, we ran out of castle allusions, dude. You're going to a castle."
• I think Frank just said "I had a job, I went to Europe ... yadda yadda yadda I live with my parents." The man never ceases to amaze. He's got a new crazy card to play every week.
• "Would you live in a tree with me? Let's live in a tree." I repeat: I have no idea what Ali sees in Frank.
• Onto the Kirk date. Note to the producers: those giant beers aren't helping with continuity.
• Most of my fairy tales have giant cell towers too.
• You know what's better than this date? This.
• The buzz phrases for today are: "serious" and "a lot on my mind."
• Date card #4: "Love gets better with age ... and castles ... and helicopters. The Bachelorette!!" Okay maybe it didn't say all of that.
• Wow, Chris and the scooter ... someone get this guy a helicopter ride for the sake of his manhood.
• Now that Ali's behind the wheel, I'm fairly impressed the producers allowed this one. Could you imagine how badly the rest of the season would go if Ali scraped the crap out of her knees and elbows after a moped crash?
• Chris is out. There's no way she boots Roberto, Frank or Kirk over him. And I think she thinks Ty's hotter.
• Well it's rose ceremony time and we're 3 for 3: purposefully loosened tie for Roberto, casual Friday for Chris and a statement dress from Ali.
• Sign of how boring this episode was/is: they're giving a full 30 minutes to Jake and Vienna. I would take this personally, Ali. If I were you, I'd go into full messy hair / moan mode. Actually, that would be the perfect transition back into some prime time with Jake.
• Uh oh, Ty. You did not want Chris to get that rose. Thanks for dressing up at least, buddy.
• Tennis bracelet FTW! Nice pull, Chris.
• It's the rainiest limo-side goodbye in Bachelorette history.
• Wow, the super mope face is back. And the rain certainly isn't helping that hair.
• And now, the drama ... "Hi, I'm Chris Harrison. Many people have found love on our show ... well, actually 14 of the 14 bachelors have eventually broken up with the woman they gave their final rose to. And one super stud of the universe didn't give out a rose at all. Man those were the days! We've given you updates when our couples get married and even have children ... well technically both of those updates were about one couple: Trista and Ryan. They're the only couple we've actually produced. But no bother! This Jake and Vienna drama is solid white hot gold, baby!!! Get ready for a bucket-sized helping of awkward sauce."
• Most interesting tidbit so far ... Harrison went out to dinner with Jake and Vienna just for kicks? Is this a post-Bachelor tradition? Or do Jake and Harrison have some sort of special bro bond?
• So far what I'm hearing is ... Jake is an adult. Vienna is 18 (for all intents and purposes). A relationship not built around whirlwind dates around the world didn't work. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhocking.
• Jake! Bringing it. "Oh yes, baby, I've got text messages."
• This is some must-see shit right here. I've never seen such passive aggressive behavior from two people at the same time. I'm worried they're going to create some kind of passive aggressive black hole.
• Why did Vienna have a dude in her house that has a cuss word for a last name?
• I know what would solve all their issues: a paulie-o-graph test. Woah! Just as I typed it, Vienna said it too. Those pauli-o-graphs solve everything!
• Well lookie here. The original bach blogger awakens from her slumber. How say you, Sports Gal?
• The bleeps are fantastic. Apparently Harrison watched a Vienna interview on NB-$#*@ ... or the F#$& Network ... or HBO-&*#$
• New twist idea on an old classic tune courtesy of Vienna: "I Hate LA."
• Amazingly Vienna is coming out this looking less crazy here. I'm easily picturing him talking down to her 90% of the time.
• With that said, I fully support throwing GPS units in the back of the SUV and I freaking despise re-measuring furniture.
• Co-sign: "We don't ... really care about the dog."
• Harrison is so awesome. "How do we move forward? And when I say we, I actually don't mean we at all. I mean you. Probably should have just gone straight to 'you two' from the start there. Classic me -- I mean us -- no, wait, me. Yeah, 'me' is the right one there."
• While I agree that she is interrupting you, Jake, you really don't make a good impression by saying "again with the interruption" 16 times over.
• The disembodied "stay tuned" from Harrison as the camera points at a pitch black closed door ... might have been the moment of the episode.
• Even more hard hitting interview questions from Chris: "What do you make of what just happened? What just happened here?"
• I'll leave it to Harrison to sum up: "... but ... it is what it is." Someone sign this guy up for the next 10 seasons!
• My summary would have been ... "Both of you seem entirely undateable and I'm guessing hundreds of people just decided not to get engaged based on the last 30 minutes. Thanks to both of you for talking to us -- me -- us ... whatever, somethin'."

Next week, apparently the guy who lives with his parents does not have the most awkward date. That honor goes to Kirk's dad from Wisconsin. He likes taxidermy. And Frank likes being wound way way tight. So tight that he dates other girls to take the edge off. Good times.