The Bachelor Diaries: On The Wings of Pyromania

From what I understand, this is the episode Cougar tries to make a transition to Ice Man ... except with fire, a rose fire. Not the best opening ever, I'll admit. Quick -- to the bullets!!

• The ladies fill in quite nicely in Liz's absence when it comes to the non-verbal reactions to Harrison. Raised eyebrows, I like that. Exaggerated exhale, yes, work it! Glancing left to right, no! No! No good!
• Harrison, answer me something, buddy. What did you think the ladies thought the RVs were for besides loading into them and traveling in them? Last I checked RVs were pretty much designed for a single purpose.
  
• Side note: why did Ali climb into the luggage compartment?
• The ladies have assigned RVs like assigned seats in 2nd grade? Odd.
• Did Ella just rock a "rollin' with the homies?" RIP, Brittany Murphy.
• Having seen the ladies' "home" videos, I just may never turn on my Flip video again.
• You set up a tent in a vineyard, Jake? Or a field of grapes? Seriously dude, which is it?
• Ali is breaking down the match ups. This is pretty awesome. She just basically asked for the ball on the post against Vienna and even said she'd "take one for the team." We like sports and we don't care who knows!
• Okay, stilettos, fear of RVs and lack of knowledge about portable showers aside, Gia's girly-isms are getting to be a little much. The hair tosses and the giggles are kinda not working.
• Hmmm, 2 person spin the bottle. Wonder how this is gonna turn out. Barf.
• I never imagined turning on Gia so quickly. The laugh. Is. KILLING me.
• The date card arrives ... "Next stop: falling INN love." Hmmm, let me guess. It's gonna be a date at a STOP sign. No? We're going to see the Nic Cage blockbuster NEXT? No? Well, whatever it is it better not having anything to do with a quaint motel ... cuz I hate those.
• Cry time for Gia. Cue the piano rendition of "On The Wings of Annoying Laugh".
• Okay, the RV'ing, the dune buggying, the sand surfing ... I'm starting to wish I was on this date. PS Jake, you suck at sand surfing.
• What the hell? An INN? I warned you, Jake!
• Why is this Ashleigh/Jake convo so awkward? I'd recommend skipping it all and just going in for the kill there, Ice Man. I think that would go over a lot better than "but anyway" and "what else?"
• You know what Ali is? Aware of her surroundings. She's doing the damn rose countdown with Jake himself. Eyes on the prize, Ali.
• Giving a speech where you talk about someone without mentioning their name til the end ... seems difficult judging by the number of "ya know's" that Jake just dropped.
• We're onto hour 2 on abc.com and for those scoring at home, I just chose "normal commercial breaks" instead of watching an extended commercial at the start ... I didn't see that coming.
• The name "Big Sur" has always perplexed me. Why did they leave off the "f" from surf and/or why didn't they spell "sir" correctly. Answer right here: "the name originates from Rio Grande del Sur, the biggest river in the South." What you've got there is a not-so-fun fact. A boring fact.
• Per Ms. Rose, Jake just dropped the first "how are you?" of the night by my count ... and this was after a dinner's worth of conversation with this chick.
• Uh oh, Kathryn. The last girl that tried out frustration-crying during a date ... it didn't end so well for that young lady.
• Also, Kathryn, I just had to go look up your name. Not a good sign considering this bachelor has yet to burn any roses yet tonight.
• Nothing says you aren't getting a rose like starting a conversation with "I think you're such an amazing person."
• The DOUBLE boot? Wow. We haven't seen a move like this since Big Swayze. I'm starting to be impressed here, Ice Ma--er, I mean, Cougar.
• Is it odd to anyone else that the ladies are sad about reducing their competition by 2 instead of 1?
• Like Ando said ... "this is the first of many decisions I'm gonna make that no one's gonna understand ... and it's only gonna get worse." Really might be THE quote in Bachelor history (you heard me, Harrison).
• Only way to follow up a quote like that ... cry in the shadows of the cabin and then chuck a rose in the fire. Reasonable. Logical. I like it. Classic "if a, then b" scenario.
  
• Honestly what does that quote even mean? Only gonna get worse for Jake? He realizes he's the one making the decisions, right?
• I'll say it, the leather jacket over the suit jacket ... is not working, Jake.
• You know what Jake is all about? Shots. Tell us something we don't know.
• "So how you doing?" count - 2.
• Allie's awareness continues by openly discussing Jake's "move" from the previous night and boosting the guy's ego and complementing his decision making skills in the process. Eyes on the prize.
• "How are you?" - 3.
• "So how are ya?" - 4. Good lookin' out, J-Ro.
• It's official, everyone. The Bachelor has gone fully digital. No more phone number if you want to nominate a bachelor. I think this is what the inventors of the Internet were hoping for. I really do.
• "Gia, Tenley, you've already received roses this week ... aaaaand you're not boning any of our staffers ... (that we know of) ... so you've got nothing to worry about." Honestly, shouldn't he have to say that every time for at least this season?
• Hey Gia, that cross legged stance thing is cool and all, but cut it out.
  
• I appreciate that Jake is laying out a pecking order while giving out the roses.Ali first and then Corrie. All according to plan so far.
• Awkward pause ... and let's get dramatic, everyone! Look out, we've got bad lighting, an assistant producer with a clip board and a not-so-steady cam. Shit is going down, people. It is going down!
• Even Seacrest would be proud of this cliff hanger commercial break.
• I appreciate so much about Harrison's phrasing. 1) "There are two women in there that are definitely not going to be your wife" and 2) "we'll take care of it."
• Harrison: "You want me to take away one of the roses?" Jake: "Well if I could burn one of them, that'd be preferable, but I guess taking it away will work."
• Jake is like Crazy Gideon tonight. Everything must go! He is stacking them high and letting them fly! Because he's crazy!
• Except for Vienna. She must stay ... and drive every other woman on the earth insane apparently.
• And the non-verbal award of the night goes to Corrie. This face says "You're welcome, Jake. I'll hang in there and believe in you. You can be my wingman any time."
• 

Next week, "it's not about sex appeal. It's about heart appeal." And cat fights, Jake. Don't forget about those. Eyes on the prize.

The Bachelor Diaries: On The Wings of Drama, Episode 3

I'll admit to being pretty unexcited for this season before it started, but it's probably time to recognize. This biz has been pretty gd action packed and there doesn't seem to be any slowing down. Michelle continues her crazy spiral. Liz continues being a tease. And ABC keeps rolling out washed up celebrities.

• Jake rolls out the bike again and the quarter of the way zipped up jacket. At least he let the girl wear jeans this time.
• Thank the good Harrison, I was about to lose it if I wasn't treated to a helicopter ride soon. On the chopper blades of love! -- oh wait, wrong song.
  
• Why don't the girls like Vienna again? Honestly I don't remember ... cuz she's 23? Cuz they love extreme sports and she doesn't?
• Jake's panic mode pre-bungy is pretty awesome. Kinda reminds me of another pilot that sorta lost it in a pressure-filled situation.
• Let's recap Vienna and Cougar's date. "There are no words to describe it." I've got one: boringbeyondwords.
• So let me get this straight ... Michelle DOES want to get to know Jake? Or not? Is she just in a constant state of 68% of the way to crying?
• Let's take a moment during this unending life draining date to ask the following. How many of these girls would say yes to a proposal from Jake right now? 80%? Higher? The way these girls audition for the show knowing so much about him, they already come in knowing what they need to know, right? Unless it turns out he's put on 50 pounds or became a monk with a vow of silence, these chicks are in, right?
• Assuming the last bullet is true, it does kinda make sense that the last few groups of Bachelorettes are generally attractive and generally come with baggage, right? If you're a producer and you know all these girls are already ready to marry the dude, you're gonna cast with maximum drama in mind, no?
• What just happened?Man I hope I didn't black out and wax poetic about the bachelor for 100+ words.
  
• Did Cougar just include "Little Nicky" in Lovitz' list of credits? Wow. I take back what I said about him being washed up. I had no idea Little Nicky scored in the double digits on Rotten Tomatoes.
• Okay, I'll ask again. Why do I assume everyone I see on reality TV is older than me by default? Is this just me? Every time they tell me that Ashleigh is 25 and that Gia is 26, I have to do a double take.
• All jokes aside, this stand up comedy date is not funny at all. See what I did there? With the jokes aside? And the not funny at all? No? It was a play on words. Okay I'll stop.
• Will she or will she not murder someone during this season? I put it at about 50/50.
• 
• Being the girl that tells the bachelor about the girl no one likes is like being the second guy in a fight in the NBA. You're the one that's gonna get penalized.
  
• "I came here to ..." has officially overtaken "here for the right reasons" now that Roslyn's gone.
• Do you know why Corey's stand-up about Vienna was funny? Because it was true. Thanks, Ali. I hadn't quite put it together yet.
• "I believe you." Well said, Jake. Well said.
  
• Bravo, Jake. You made Michelle's psycho spiral hit rock bottom. I wonder if she murdered the cab driver ... or possibly asked him to help get her mom some grandchildren? Again I think it's 50/50.
• "I never imagined in a million years that we'd go on a helicopter ride," says Ella. I hate to disagree, but I did imagine, Ella. I did imagine it.
• All jokes aside ... I have no jokes about the Ella date. Parenthood is serious, everyone.
• I'll say 2 things about this cocktail party. 1) Despite all the drama, everything is still a lot more mellow now that Michelle's gone. The chances of someone getting cut are back to a normal level. And 2) one of the girls that I've never seen on this show is wearing a DRESS. Woah.
• One thing that really helps keep expectations low on a kiss that may never come ... talking about it for flipping hours with everyone in earshot including the dude who just may be the recipient of said kiss ... maybe ... someday ... but probably not. I'd bring out that football again real quick, Liz.
• Ladies, Jake, there's no way you don't know why I just emerged from the shadows to tell you. Last rose, etc. My job is extremely repetitive.
• Apparently the dress' name was Valishia. Who knew?
• Hhhhhhyyaaah. Awkward goodbye between Liz and Jake. At least you get to do your exit interview while freezing!
  

Next week: road trip! And Jake commits rose arson! Harrison might actually have to re-think his trademark line. Ladies, Jake, this is the final rose of the night ... that isn't going in the fire.

The Bachelor Diaries: On The Wings of Nervous, Episode 2

Ugh, well here we are on a Saturday morning because Monday night has proven to be a powerhouse that my DVR cannot handle - How I Met Your Mother, Big Bang Theory, Chuck, House and this ridiculous show. Okay, Jake - err, I mean Cougar. Almost forgot.

• Apparently there's something going on tonight. Something that Harrison isn't going to stand for. Is it drama that is free of hyperbole? Cuz Harrison ain't having that biz, ya know!?!?!
• Kudos to Elizabeth from Nebraska for the non-verbal reactions. The producers are loving her.
• "A picture is worth a thousand words ... I have absolutely no idea what that means," says Christina. Wait, like really you don't know what it means? It's a metaphor which is where you use a familiar situation to describe something el -- Nevermind. You probably don't get it.
  
• Hey Jake, what is with the lack of buttons, dude?
• My ongoing complaint with the Bachelor continues. Jake, Hal from In Style is NOT your friend. You did NOT set up anything special today. A picture is NOT worth a thousand words. Oh wait.
• WOW, that photographer is owning that mustache. Good thing he wasn't involved in our competition.
  
• Christina's "freaking out" count is up to 3 but she really plateaued with that first one. I am freaking ... (wait for it) .. OWERAROUT.
• 
• There is entirely too much screaming during the diamond necklace sequence. Get a hold of yourself, ladies. Except you, Michelle. There's no hope for you. You're gonzo already.
• Otherwise I really only have the following to say about the pool date: good GRAVY, Rozlyn.
• Ali the warcraft widow is crying already and she's only been selected for the date. Eeeeeeeemotions.
• Hey Ali, put on a dress and these diamonds - they're gonna be PERFECT for our motorcycle ride and flight on a small plane.
• Also, ladies, in case you were wondering, Jake can fly ANYTHING on the airport. Huh? Huh? Ya see what he did there?
• Queue the title song. So so so ridiculous.
• Ali asks if she can tell Jake the names of her past relationships? No no no please no anything but that horror, Ali. Why couldn't she tell him the names? Honestly I'm asking.
• There's one more surprise, Ali. A band you most likely have never voluntarily listened to in your life and probably will never listen to again is playing a private concert for you! Why? Because they were available. Lady and gentleman, Chicago!
• Ali's confessional cliche count is off the charts. Do you see how high it is? I had to use a cliche ... to describe all her cliches! Damn you, Ali!
• Woah, one of the girls is getting it on with the staff? Harrison is outraged!
  
• My roommate Dave wins the blog. "I was hoping the group date was Jake, the cameraman and 2 chicks."
  
• An empty Six Flaggs? I am so flipping jealous. And they waste it on the swing that spins in a circle? I hate you all.
• Oh no. Elizabeth writes notes. She pours her heart into them and then reads them aloud like she's skimming a newspaper article. Bizarre.
• Also amazingly she writes even smaller than I do. Like Kevin Spacey in Se7en small.
  
• Jake is apparently "saving the biggest surprise for last" for the 2nd date in a row. Ladies and gentlemen, Boston! (Credit to Dave again on this one.)
• Ashley. Ashley's got the crazy eyes. Pull up, Cougar!
• 
• "You can go. It's fine," says Michelle. Has anyone ever meant what they said less than Michelle just now?
• Cameraman was boning Rozlyn? Allow me to say it again ... good GRAVY!!
• You know what always makes things less awkward? Saying "this is awkward."
• All right. Look. I agree that Ms. Gravy should go due to having "relations" with the "staffer". Seems likely that she did more than just kiss this staffer on the forehead (barf by the way, Liz and Jake). But you've gotta admit it is a little odd that this expulsion goes down on the same show where Cougar is encouraged to explore relationships with multiple peeps. Just sayin'.
  
• What kind of staffer was it? PA? Key grip? Kraft service guy? That guy that brought her the suitcase and sort of hovered over her while she packed?
• Best packing montage ever, by the way.
  
• Chris finally lets the cat out of the bag. The staffer was indeed a he. Imagine if Chris hadn't said he. GRAVY, people!!
• I think "here for the right reasons" has officially replaced "amazing," "journey" and "open up" as the buzz phrase of the Jake season and probably the series as a whole.
• Who are these girls that are getting roses? Alicia, Jessie, I don't even know you. I'm starting to wonder if they're here for the right reasons.
• Jake, whatever you do, don't pick a girl that makes this face every time she's not picked.
• 
• Oh no! Pull up, Cougar!
• I'm gonna miss Christina. Good confessionals. Fun drunk. Safe to say that I am freaking ... ouwawarawat! Crazy Eyes Ashley on the other hand. Not so much.

Next week, more early departures. I wonder if Harrison is gonna have to cross his arms again. "Next week, on The Bachelor, it's the most times I've had to cross my arms in Bachelor history."

The Bachelor Diaries: On The Wings of Hate, Episode 1

Wasn't quite sure if I was gonna keep my streak alive with this ridiculous show and even more ridiculous blog, but the opening puff piece was enough to fuel my despise for this new bachelor and devote myself to snarking him to death.

• The puff piece - no wonder he got the boot. That suit/tie combo on opening night last season was horrrrrific.
• "Before I could get back out there, I knew I had to take some time off, walk near a pool, awkwardly walk around my city, spend an inordinate of time alone in a pool, drink some tap water with my shirt off and film some establishing shots reflecting my life as a pilot. Only then would I be ready to be The Bachelor." Bite me, puff piece.
• Who was the biggest pansy in the Top Gun movie? Cougar? Drops out before Top Gun even started and his name is later used to describe females. Yeah, let's go with "Cougar" from here on out.
• 
• "It's the most dramatic season of The Bachelor ever." Who had 3 minutes, 17 seconds in the hyperbole pool wins.
• I think Alexa would eat Cougar alive ... as well as every other chick they've shown in these horrible secondary puff pieces.
• We've now had 2, count them 2 ladies rolling out this pose (NNSFW - not necessarily safe for work) during their puff piece. Probably time to start questioning these ladies intentions there, Cougar.
• So apparently there was a quota - at least 75% of Cougar's bachelorettes must be 25.
• Did I miss anything during the Harrison/Cougar interview? I couldn't stomach it. Had to fast-forward. I assume Harrison made Cougar relive his rejection moment 5 to 49 times over the course of 4 questions.
• Rozlyn is a weird flirter. Is it a good sign when a girl grabs your wrist and then walks away?
• Emily is a "Fit Model" ... is there another kind?
• No courtesy laugh from Cougar on "you got a registry from those guns?" Wow. Cougar trying to step up to Ice Man status.
• The captain in the Air Force cleans up pretty nicely. I did not see that coming.
• "What's your favorite place?" "Right here. Right now!" "Huh ... well. Mine's snowboarding!" Move to the top of the awkard podium.
• AAAAAAAAAND you've immediately been outdone by Ashleigh and the recently watered down sandstone driveway.
• My money's on Michelle from Anaheim for the first impression rose.
• Allie, the self-admitted Warcraft widow with no voice outdoes herself by tearing her dress.
• These ladies are sharp. "I think we should tell her that her flight is getting evacuated." I don't even know ... what that means.
• Okay, the football gag ... possibly a little forced but I can't deny that I'm into it. Well played, Elizabeth. And for the record she runs a route better than Cougar throws.
• Oh no! Michelle, what have you done? You turned crazy on me and you don't even seem to have taken a drink. Pull up, Cougar! Pull up!
• I think Harrison already revealed this, but honestly this night must be 8 hours+ long. This fracking girl is teaching him to dance.
• Holy crap how is it possibly getting worse? My first impression rose choice is crying and she hasn't even talked to the dude yet. Worst. Prediction. Ever.
• "Looks like Jake could use some help tonight so we called a couple of his old friends ... Bono and The Edge!" No. Wait. It's just Jillian and Jason and Jillian's insane dress.
• One thing I'll say about Kimberly ... she's a real puma in the sack, am I right!?!?! Go Thunder!
• "Opening Up" count - 1. Over/under for the season: 23.5.
• Oh thank God for Harrison. I've never been so happy to see you. This is the most boring opening night ever. Did they forget to spike the punch?
• Elizabeth from Nebraska - the football girl ... on the wings of LOVE up and above the clouds the only way to fly is on the wings of love! Oh sorry. Got carried away. Safe to say I'm not mad at Cougar for that pick.
• Wow, Michelle (cry-time) gets a rose. I say again, Cougar, pull up!
• Just in time to save this horrible episode, Hungry is back. I'm suddenly smiling ear to ear.
• This season on The Bachelor ... Jake takes his shirt off. A lot. Except for when he burns a rose! Blasphemer!! And then apparently Harrison has to regulate. Dang.

Well, we're off to a boring start ... thanks to a boring first episode. I can only work with the material I've been given, people.