Tuesday, June 21, 2011

How to not win a reality show immediately

I've watched a lot of reality TV shows in my day and I've learned ... winning them is hard. Losing them on the other hand is quite easy. So here's how to NOT win a reality show right off the bat. (Some of these will work better on some shows than others, but I'm confident they'll all work in the end.)
  • Grab everyone's attention and proclaim "Listen up, everyone. I didn't come here to win. I came here to make friends!"
  • Drink as much alcohol as you possibly can on day/night one.
  • Establish yourself as the domineering "leader" and tell everyone what to do.
  • Walk up and personally tell each contestant that you disrespect them.
  • Walk up and personally tell each contestant that they are fake.
  • Whenever possible, say "Look, if there's one thing about me ... it's that I'm not real. And I don't like real people. If I'm anything, I'm just really really really not real."
  • Avoid establishing friendships / partnerships at all.
  • Establish a friendship / partnership that you make insanely obvious to everyone NOT in said friendship / relationship.
  • Truthfully tell someone that you love him/her. Optional: continuously repeat "I mean it."
  • "Y'all can talk to me all you want, but I'm not gonna open up. I'm NOT gonna put myself out there." Say that ... a lot. And mean it.
  • Ask "What are the right reasons to be here?" When someone answers, respond with "Oh. Well that doesn't sound like me at all. Come to think of it, I am here for all the exact opposite reasons you just mentioned."
  • Don't wear pants. (Obvious I know, but I want this list to be complete.)
Ladies, contestant, this is the final tribe has spoken you're fired.