Saturday, December 20, 2008

Biggest Movie Plot Holes, Volume 1

Okay so I like movies as much as the proverbial next guy.  In fact, unless I'm next to my roommate Dave or Harry Knowles and his crazy neck beard, it's likely that I like movies MORE than the next guy.  And because of that, I understand that they are movies.  They are fictional stories and the whole reason they're entertaining is BECAUSE they came from the imagination of some author or screen writer*.  If they were real, then they wouldn't be movies.  They would be our boring lives where we get up, eat, work, watch TV and sleep.  (Okay, so maybe that's MY boring life ... but anyway ...)  I get it.  It's not real.

With that said, I can't help but take issue with certain plot holes in movies.  Here's a couple.

The rules of Gremlins

In case you were born in the last 3 days, Gremlins is about an over zealous present-seeking father that goes into a shady-looking shop in "China Town" and pretty much steals a tiny creature from an old dude with a sweet beard.

Pops' loot from his theft is a creature (species: mogwai) that is eventually named "Gizmo" and he's the cutest thing alive.  But (shocker) we learn that it's not all fun and games with Gizmo.  Turns out you have to do more than walk Gizmo and let him out to pee before bed.  Here are the rules of owning a mogwai:
  1. Avoid exposure to direct sun light.  Descendant of vampires maybe?  
  2. Don't get him wet.  Interesting.  Sounds like this will be a little tricky.  Is he allowed to at least drink water?  What happens if some Jell-O accidentally drops on him?  Does that count as wet?
  3. Don't feed him after midnight.  Here's where I take issue.
As I already mentioned, I understand that I'm objecting to a single innocent (and plot-driving) piece of admnistrivia within a movie about a previously undiscovered species that is a fluffy biped male (I think?) living teddy bear that was shop-lifted out of China Town ...

But still ... don't feed him after midnight?  Are we talking Eastern time?  Greenwich mean time?  What happens on daylight savings day?  We're supposed to understand that mogwais have some sort of complex internal biological clock that actually keeps track of time by the hour?  Let's say Gizmo scores some frequent flyer miles and you take a flight from NY to AZ and you land in Phoenix 1AM AZ-time.  Can I feed the guy (girl?) or no?

And moreover, it's ALWAYS after midnight if you think about it.  It's 7:38pm right now ... which is ... after midnight from last night.  When does the clock reset?  6AM?  8AM?  Maybe mogwais like to sleep in and breakfast isn't usually until after noon.  

All I'm saying is I like rules and try to follow them.  You give me a mogwai as a gift ... and this kid is going to starve to death.  

In the end, none of this matters because (spoiler alert) wouldn't you know it, all of the rules end up getting broken in the movie and dang if what follows isn't exciting.  But still ... no food after midnight?  Impossible rule to follow, I say.

Doctor Octopus' demonstration in Spider-Man 2

The super villain is Spider-Man 2 is a nuclear physicist who eventually goes bonkers and tries to kill Spiderman (er, uh, spoiler alert - sorry, forgot).  But before losing it, the movie reveals that "Doc Ock" is actually trying to use his knowledge for good.  He's trying to use nuclear fusion to come up with un-ending energy.  The key word there is nuclear.  He's trying to learn how to control nuclear-level reactions.

And how do you prove your worth to Os-Corp (the company that's funding your research)?  Well you put on a demonstration of course and invite all your colleagues and a bunch of media members.  So he puts on this demonstration where he reveals the following:
  • He's developed 4 mechanical arms that are necessary to attain the nuclear reaction he's hoping to achieve.
  • These arms are "impervious to heat and magnetism."  Uh, wow, that sounds pretty impressive and useful.  I chuck these things into the sun and ... it's all good?  Dang.  Wait, what?  There's more?
  • The "smart arms" are attached to his body by something that appears to attach itself to each vertebrae in his spine.  You sure you're not a bio-chemist too, Doc?  Cuz that kind of interface doesn't sound easy to pull off.  Huh?  Still more?
  • The arms are controlled by his brain through a "neural link".  "Nano wires" feed directly into his cerebellum.  And THIS still isn't what you want to demonstrate today?  You think maybe you could pass those plans to me then?  Cuz I pass right by the patent office on my way home.  Oh, still more to show off?  Sorry for interrupting.
  • These arms will help him control a nuclear reaction inside an environment no human hand could survive in.  
Without taking a breath, Doc Ock just revealed arguably 4 scientific break throughs that would change the world as we know it.  Finally, one of the people observing this demo pipes up.  And what does this chick ask the doctor?  Well, let's list out all the questions she doesn't ask:
  • With this amount of ridiculous mind-blowing technology, what the crap do you need funding from Os-Corp for?
  • Seriously, you didn't even mention all the pins that stuck in your vertebrae.  What the hell, dude?
  • It's IMPERVIOUS to heat?  You sure you know what that word means?
  • So walk me through this.  You have the skill to create both a neural link and a material that's impervious to heat, but the only way you've figured out how to control a friggin' nuclear reaction is basically by MANUALLY taking control of 4 smart arms?  You have to drive this thing?
  • Oh, and here's a related question.  How long did it take you to learn how to control 4 extra appendages?  Is there some sort of course at the annex that teaches you how to triple the amount of arms your brain can control?  And we're not talking about using them to make a sandwich or even build a car.  We're talking about controlling fusion!
  • And finally, speaking of nuclear reactions, in the name of heat-impervious smart arms, why the hell are we about to try to set off a nuclear reaction in a flipping4th floor loft apartment in Man-flipping-hattan, New York?!  They didn't choose the location of Area 51 because of its natural beauty.  They picked it because they needed a place to.  Test.  Nuclear.  Reactions.
No no.  None of those.  What does she ask instead?  Something to the effect of ... "If those smart arms are so intelligent, what is to keep them from taking control of YOU?"  And THEN he points out the "inhibitor chip" that protects his "higher brain functions"!  I mean,  are screen writers taking crazy pills?!  She asks about the one plot element that will eventually be the key to Doc Ock turning evil?  It's the worst attempt at foreshadowing I've ever seen.  

Again, I know it's fake.  I know it's a movie about a guy that can stick to walls because he was bitten by a radioactive spider, but did they have to introduce the "inhibitor chip" via the most improbable question ever (given the circumstances) spoken by an extra that was probably off the set before lunch?  Not to mention that the inhibitor chip reveals that he has learned how to separate "higher" brain functions from "lower" brain functions and then translate which functions are which to some kind of computer AI!?  Was Ock going to skip over his 5th scientific revolution if she didn't ask?

What I'm trying to say here is ... know your audience, screen writers.  The people that are coming to see Spider Man 2 are not expecting to see something that resembles a documentary.  They're expecting to overpay for crappy popcorn and see some special effects.  You don't need to ground every plot point in reality.  And if you're going to try to do that, how about using some reality where all the demonstration observers freak out and run for their lives when they realize they're about to be blown to nuclear smithareens along with the rest of Manhattan?

P.S.  My favorite sci-fi movie is The Matrix: a movie based on the idea that we're all living in a big shared dream while our combined body heat is farmed to keep a civilization of robots alive.  Hypocrite?  Looks that way.

*Unless of course the movie is "based on true events," but I already ranted about that here.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Hey, Chatty Cathy

Hey, friend. That bench you're sitting on whilst having a fully involved cell phone conversation. Yeah, it's not actually a bench. It's a piece of exercise equipment. It's a piece of exercise equipment at a gym that is pretty fracking crowded and it's likely that I'm not the only other person that would like to use it at some point tonight. And moreover, it's not like there aren't multiple benches or even tables with chairs that aren't also pieces of exercise equipment scattered all over this place. And no, I'm not one of those annoying guys that will give you the stink-eye until you hurry up your work out and get off the machine. I'm reasonable. I'll go do another exercise and check back in 5. Oh, I forgot, you're totally thoughtless and you're still sitting on the crunch machine and talking on the flipping phone.

It's not the economy or America's place in foreign affairs that gets me worked up.  It's this kind of stuff.  To quote a Maitre D from a certain restaurant in Chicago ... "I weep for the future."

Friday, October 17, 2008

Is anybody listening to me?

You know who I'm a fan of? Clerks, attendants and the like who ask you questions and then immediately stop listening.

Here's a conversation I had at the Fry's pharmacy recently:

Clerk: "How may I help you?"
Me: "Hi. I'm here to pick up a prescription for Johnson. It's a canine prescription."
(She moves towards the shelves with all the prescriptions and starts to look around.)
Clerk: "What was the name?"
Me: "Johnson."
(She rummages through the prescriptions. Eventually she grabs one and starts to look at it.)
Clerk: "Is it a canine prescription?"
(Double beat.)
Me: "Yyyyyep."


What do I do with that? She asked me 2 questions and 2 questions only. They weren't follow up questions or extra necessary filters to help her. She asked me for the only 2 pieces of information I had already supplied her! Johnson. Canine. Johnson? Canine? Johnson. Canine.

Maybe next time I should say "Hi. How bout you wander over to the prescriptions and guess randomly at my prescription. If you need clues, just ask and I'll answer."

Here's another example that happens probably 80% of the time I go to Chipotle.

Clerk: "What would you like?"
Me: "Chicken burrito with rice and black beans."
(She plops the tortilla in the little warmer do-hickey. Moments later she plops the tortilla back on the counter.)
Clerk: "Rice?"
Me: "Yes, please."
Clerk: "What kind of beans?"
Me: "Black, please."
Clerk: "What kind of meat?"
Me: "Chicken, please."


Once again. I've delivered the exact information the clerk clearly needs. I've been to Chipotle a couple times. I know what they're going to ask. It's not like I'm just firing off random burrito ingredients.

"Yeah, can I get medium salsa, black beans, guacamole, a burrito, cheese, a diet coke, chicken, rice, side order of chips and salsa ... oh and lettuce ... on the burrito that is."

I'm not a Navajo code talker here. I'm giving my order in the most logical way I know how. And still I'm forced to deliver all of it twice. I guess maybe I'm just asking for too much competence in the clerks of the world.

Wait. Let me rephrase.

Me: "Am I asking for too much here?"
Clerk: "You wanted too much?
Me: "Yyyyyyep."


Monday, October 13, 2008

Kings of Leon at The Joint, Hard Rock Casino in Las Vegas

So I attended the Kings of Leon show at The Joint at the Hard Rock Casino in Las Vegas this last weekend. Before I get to the show I'd like to say I'm proud of myself for powering through one of the most obnoxious concert going couples that I've ever been exposed to. Some highlights:
  • They had at least 10 rounds throughout the 3 sets of music that night. And no less than 3 drinks were immediately knocked onto the ground. Immediately. Not a drop imbibed. And one of the drinks spilled all over drunk mom's leather jacket.
  • Drunk mom put on and took off her awesome leather jacket at least three times.
  • I call her drunk mom because she mentioned that she was a 33 year old mom many times. One time, she slipped and said she was 35. And then collapsed into a pile of laughter on her companion, drunk dude.
  • Drunk dude managed to both slow dance and dance in a hip hop fashion to many KoL songs including Milk and Revelry.
  • Drunk dude recorded the first 30 odd seconds of most of the songs on his digital camera. Who the F re-watches 30 second clips of concerts? And that's not even considering how horrible the sound is on all videos recorded via digital camera.
  • I hijacked at least 5 of their arm-outstretched self photos. My smiling mug is all over their KoL pics. They noticed one of them and then drunk mom could not stop laughing about it for at least 2 songs.
  • I'm proud of my hijacking efforts, but I'll never out do the gentlemen in this photo. Flawless victory.
  • Drunk mom and drunk dude eventually decide they're best friends with the couple to their left. Why? Because one of them is from Rancho Cucamonga, CA. They even take a foursome pic to commemorate the evening. Scratch that, it was actually a fivesome pic ifinyaknowwhatimean! [cough]hijacked again![cough]
I mention all this as a means of pointing out how awesome the show was. I had a great time and of course have been rolling KoL uninterrupted since.

The first opener was The Stills. They played for 30 minutes. They should have played at least one song from their old albums instead of non stop new biz. I look forward to checking out their new album. And I like their guy on keys who wears a fedora or a bowler hat without fail.

I had no idea who the next opener was until they began playing. The bass line of Inaction kicked in and I rejoiced. We Are Scientists played a good set of old and new stuff. I think it's fair to say their older stuff is stronger. The Great Escape FTW! Also their drummer did anything but mail it in. Guy was killing it, especially during the first album songs.

Next up ... Nacho! Nacho chants filled The Joint during the set break.

Then Kings of Leon trotted out to their Gregorian chant intro music. I'm pretty sure their set list was comprised of all the songs below ... listed in descending order of awesomeness.
  • Sex on Fire - This song just does not quit and singing along was rampant on this one.
  • Manhattan - Caleb said they played this because they were mourning OU's loss to Texas that day. This was a big turning point for me on this tune. Song went from good to great for me.
  • Razz - I almost became the yessssss person on this song. I really never would have guessed Razz would make the set list.
  • Milk - Big crowd pleaser which I was happy to see. And this might be the #1 song for the Kings in terms of being very good on the album, but being completely epic in person.
  • My Party - It's tough to take your eyes off Caleb on this one. And the breakdown/come back still really get me.
  • Cold Desert - Goose bumps for me on this one. Caleb really kills the verses.
  • Four Kicks - Jared's opening bass line rules and I was dancing immediately.
  • Slow Night, So Long - Last song of the encore, still a great send off. Once again Jared rules this song.
  • Charmer - This song is a masterpiece if you ask me.
  • Revelry - You know the faint "woo hoo hooooo" that Caleb does at the end of the first verse? He pulled back at that point and the crowd was right there to fill in.
  • Use Somebody - The crowd sang the back up part on this song. Great times. And this was the final song of their encore. Don't forget my prediction about this tune.
  • McFearless - Surprisingly not a huge crowd pleaser, but one of my super favs.
  • Knocked Up - First song back from the encore. Lots of singing along.
  • Taper Jean Girl
  • On Call - Still a killer sing-along tune. And Caleb still motions "c'mon c'mon c'mon" with his hands during the break before the final chorus. Crowd responds as usual.
  • The Bucket
  • Closer
  • Black Thumbnail - singing along on the first verse of this song is really fun
  • Crawl - Show opener. Solid groove to this one.
  • Fans - The acoustic guitar makes it's only appearance!
  • Molly's Chambers - Still one of my least fav KoL tunes, but I ain't complaining.
Fantastic show for $35ish. I gotta get to seeing these guys more often than once a year.

Shout out to cousin Emily who took in all 3 bands for the first time. I'll be shipping her some CDs soon. And props for ordering a pitcher of margs and then letting me down pretty much the whole thing alone due to tequila that "tasted funny". And a shout out to the over-the-top Penn State fans that basically ate dinner with us at Pink Taco ... And then received the remainder of our pitcher when we jetted for the show.

Friday, October 3, 2008

The "Yesssss" Person and a Concert Review

So I caught the Iron & Wine / Swell Season show at the Rialto Theatre in Tucson last night. Before I get to the show, I wanted to talk about my nearby company at said show. Last night I quickly realized I was standing in front of one of my favorite types of people at the concert: the "yessssss" person.

The "yessssss" person is someone who buys a ticket to a concert, goes to said concert and then reacts as if each song on the set list was chosen by a higher power for him/her personally. And they continue to feel this way for just about every song on the set list.

It goes like this:
  • Iron and Wine starts playing "Sodom, South Georgia" - "Yessssssssssssssss"
  • Swell Season starts playing "Falling Slowly" - "Yessssssssssssssssssss"
  • Journey starts playing "Don't Start Believin'" - "Yesssssssssssssssssss"
  • Prince starts playing "Purple Rain" - "Yessssssssssssss"
  • F'ing Wang Chung starts playing f'ing "Everybody Wang Chung Tonight" - "Yessssssssss"
Guess what, over-exciteable? Every song that you said "yessssssssssss" to ... they play those songs every night. That's why they're on tour. They're on tour to play their best songs ... which are all the songs you're "yesssss"ing to.

Also, sometimes the "yessssssss" is followed by "I LOVE this song". Really? You love the song of the band you paid money to see tonight? Allow me to say it: no s. We get it. You like this song and you like this band. Guess what? So do I. That's why I bought the ticket and came to the same show you're at.

How 'bout you just enjoy wearing your t-shirt of the band you're currently seeing and cheer when the song starts like everyone else? Okay? Great.

Onto an abbreviated concert review of Iron & Wine and Swell Season at the Rialto Theatre in Tucson, AZ.

Sam opened with Trapeze Swinger and then moved onto Woman King, Naked As We Came, House By The Sea, Resurrection Fern and Sodom, South Georgia among others. His buddy Ron accompanied him and played piano, slide guitar, accordian and just about every instrument known to man. Eventually, the lead dude from Calexico (Tucson's own) came out and the three of them did "Prison on Route 41". Then Salvador Duran made it a quartet and they did "He Lays In The Reins". I could have handled a longer set, but obviously I have no complaints.

After the break, Glen Hansard came out all by himself and played Say It To Me Now completely unplugged. It was fantastic. Marketa then came out for Falling Slowly which was a little bumpy because (in Glen's words) Glen's guitar just didn't know where it was. I enjoyed the mid-song guitar switch out. It felt like I was watching them in the movie. Then the band came out and they did The Moon, When Your Mind's Made Up, Happiness, Low Rising, and People All Get Ready among others. Marketa took the microphone for a couple tunes. I like her a lot. She's just like she is in the movie. Glen also took some time on his own in the middle of the set to do Leave which was fantastic. Also, Glen went guitarless for the slow-builder Happiness which was really good. They ended the night with an Irish tune about a guy in the prison on the Royal Canal in Dublin. Good times.

Also worth noting: sounds like Glen and the band really took to Tucson. They stayed at Hotel Congress and seemed to love it here since they mentioned enjoying Tucson throughout the show. Here's to Tucson ...

... and to the "yesssssss" person. Yessssssssssssssssssss.


Sunday, September 14, 2008

Pick pockets, take note ...

You remember that iPhone test where the guy put his phone into a plastic bag with keys and other junk and then shook it around to test how easily the screen would scratch? No? Well I do. And that's because it pained me almost as bad as that Olympic weight lifter that broke his arm (note: I can't even bare to link directly to that footage. Find it yourself if you want to squirm). The iPhone test had me squirming because after a nice shake of the bag don't scratch the screen, he took the keys and ... well, keyed his iPhone! Good gravy, man! Anyway I bring all this up to say ... Who the hell keeps their phone in the same pocket as their keys?

I don't know about you but my personal pocket real estate was zoned out long long ago. Here it is (copy this next part down, pick pockets) ...

Pocket rules

  • Left front pocket: phone ... and only phone ... with the screen facing towards my thigh ... you know just in case I walk directly into a running power drill sitting on a counter.
  • Right front pocket: wallet (and sometimes keys when the back pocket won't work).
  • Back right pocket: keys preferably.
  • Back left pocket: wild card! Oh the excitement! Could be a concert ticket stub. Could be a candy wrapper. Maybe even a cell phone. Ah ha! Got you, didn't I? It can't be a cell phone. That's the whole point of this pointless blog entry: the application and execution of pocket rules! But seriously ... this pocket is usually empty and/or paper that can go straight to the trash when possible.
Please tell me I'm not the only one who has a pocket mapping like this. Can I really be expected to just reach into a random pocket with no idea of what I'll find? We need rules, people. We need order. And if we can't find it in our pockets, then where can we?


Tuesday, September 9, 2008

iTunes 8 - Build Genius Into Your Smart Playlist

As you may know, I've put a lot of time into making "the ultimate iTunes playlist" in an effort to get the most out of my massive iTunes library.

Today, Apple released iTunes 8 and their new "Genius" feature. The Genius playlists by themselves are pretty good, but I found it was pulling 1-star songs and, according to the rules of my library, I have no need for such songs.

So, thanks to some help from Berg, here's the best use of the Genius feature that I've found so far: a Genius smart playlist.

iTunes 8 - Genius Smart Playlist

You set the playlist to "Genius" and then you can adjust everything else ...
  • Date added in the last year
  • Rating of a certain level
  • Last skipped or last played in a given range
  • Size of playlist
  • Selected according to most often played, least often played, least recently played, etc.
Have fun, kids.


Monday, September 8, 2008

Flight Attendant + Imagination = Fun

So I was on a flight where the flight attendant took a really long period to explain how to turn on the light for your seat. I then began imagining how she possibly could have given her instructions using more words. Here's what I came up with ...

"The main cabin lights will be turned off soon. If you are reading or knitting or have plans of staring intently at the back of the seat in front of you, you're going to want to turn on your own personal light. To do so, push the light bulb above you. Well, don't push the bulb itself. Push the button that looks like a light bulb. Actually, if I could be perfectly accurate, push the button that looks like a picture of a light bulb. Come to think of it, it's not a picture of a light bulb. It's a drawing of a light bulb. It is a drawing of sorts that looks like a wavy cylinder that leads into a semi circle. Outside of the semi circle are horizontal lines jutting outward. These lines are meant to represent the light that the light bulb will provide you.


SO. If you would like to counter-act the dark that will soon fill the cabin with your own personal illumination for your seat that you can use to do ... well, any number of things that require light, reach up above you and push the button that looks like a drawing of a light bulb and the light it provides. This will provide your eyes with what they need to do what you might want to do. Assuming you want to do something like that.


Oh yeah. And push it up. That button I mentioned before ... you'll need to push it up ... because it's on the ceiling, you really can't push it down. Push the light bulb button up. But again don't even look at the actual bulb itself cuz that'll get you nowhere. Got all that?


Let me sum up. For light -- button that looks like a drawing of a light bulb ... uppey town. Not down. Light bulb itself -- no touchy.


Okay, just to make sure we're all on the same page once and for all ... Push the light bulb button to turn on the light bulb. Okie dokes? Okay then.


Or you know, don't do that ... If like you want to sleep ... In the dark. And avoid the light.


Wow. I am so sorry for all this. I am out of hand. I mean who the hell hasn't been on a plane before? Or moreover who the hell has never turned on a light before?

I'm an idiot.

Just push the button for light. Okay bye."

(for the sake of reference, she really did mention pushing the button up, not pushing the light bulb itself and pushing the button that looks like a picture of a light bulb. Holy crap, right? Shut up already. I'm trying to sleep.)


Monday, August 18, 2008

Saturday, August 2, 2008

One giant leap for nerdery

So I'm about to get real nerdy. I'll be getting nerdy in 2 ways. 1) I'll be getting nerdy because I'll be discussing the idea of villains and even super villains. And 2) I'll be getting nerdy in that I'll by analyzing a hypothetical question inside of an already hypothetical universes like Middle Earth and Hogwarts.

So you know how just about every fantasy type movie has that ultimate villain? Lord of the Rings had Sauron, a once very big person (at least that's how he looked) who then later was re-born as a giant eyeball mounted on top of a tower. How a turns into b ... well, I don't think anyone knows that.

Voldemort is Harry Potter's version of the super villain. He looks a lot like Ralph Fiennes with a weird nose.

And my favorite Superman super villain is a guy named Zod that wore a badass patent leather jump suit and was awarded the title of General based on nothing at all. I like people that grant themselves titles.

He was also a big fan of the V neck. Huge fan.

Okay, anyway, enough examples. What all super villains have in common is that they want to win. Sauron wants his ring back. Voldemort wants to kill Harry Potter. Zod wants everyone to kneel before him. This makes sense to me. The desire for victory makes sense to me. Most good guys in movies and books have the same desire to win. But their idea of victory is usually a little more one-sided. They just want to beat the bad guy so they can go about their business. If the bad guys weren't around, the heroes would just be doing their thing. If Sauron never existed, The hobbits would be getting drunk in the shire. If Voldemort wasn't around, Harry'd be going to school and living with his parents. And if Zod didn't come down from his planet, Superman would be bumbling around as Clark Kent trying to score with Lois.

So this brings me to my question. What if the heroes weren't around and the villains were? What if the villains won? What exactly would they do?

Let's assume Sauron gets his ring back and then kills off all the humans and dwarves and elves. And then he gets his human form back. And then what? It's just him and a whole load of orcs hanging out at Mount Doom with lava flowing everywhere. Does he take up architecture and build moderately priced housing for all the orcs where Minas Tirath and Rivendale used to be? Weekly poker game with a few lucky chosen orcs?

Or let's imagine that Voldemort kills Harry and then blows up all the wizarding schools and kills off all the muggles. Then what? Does he start up a space program in order to attempt to dominate other planets? Or maye he takes up re-building old cars?

And what happens if Zod kills Superman and then everyone kneels before him? Does he and what's her face start up a family? Do they use their heat vision to become expert arc welders?

None of the above scenarios seem likely to me. I just can't imagine any of these villains knowing how to mind their own business once their lifelong objective (complete global domination) has been achieved. If they were to win, it seems like they'd just pull a Conan.

They'd just sit on their throne til they died of boredom. Maybe that, in the end is what drove them to be super villains. Maybe it wasn't being picked on as a kid or insecurity which led to bullying. Maybe they just sucked at entertaining themselves and made sure to pick an objective that would either take their whole lives to achieve or it would kill them in the process. With that objective in hand, Zod can say "well, it doesn't seem likely that I'll ever be able to defeat Kal-El with his super strength and flying ability and all, but at least I'll never be bored again."

The moral of the story as always is that idle hands are the devil's tools. Oh man, we never even considered what Beelzebub would do if we won out. Let's just be happy that us good guys developed Tivo and the Internet in order to stave off boredom.

(Of course the other moral is that I have way too much time on my hands ... which is a given.)

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Apparently, there are rules

Okay, so I think enough time has passed that I can post this without worry of the female in question perusing it and then going postal on me. What I'm going to present to you is an email from a female I spoke on the phone with a couple times and went on one (singular) date with. Let's start with the back story ...
  • We meet via Yahoo! Personals. I've been known to meet girls via the Internet from time to time. It's 2008.
  • We "break the ice" and then commence emailing via the Yahoo! Personals email service.
  • Eventually, we transition over to emails using our own actual email addresses. (Sadly, this is usually a big step in the world of online dating.)
  • Between Yahoo! and real email, we have nice a little exchange over the course of a couple weeks.
  • Then I get a little bit busy and end up not emailing her for 22 days (trust me, I did the math).
  • She responds to my belated email with a snarky response indicating she's not happy with how long I took to email her. Somehow though, I'm able to reconcile the situation and get this girl's phone number.
  • I then even somehow arrange an in-person meeting ... lunch, no big deal. This was on a Friday.
  • I thought lunch went fine. I didn't look back at it as my best effort, but then I got a text from the girl later that night saying something to the effect of "good times today."
  • I texted back saying "Call you next week."
  • "Next week" ended up being Thursday (6 days later if you're counting).
  • Come Monday, I hadn't heard from her so I dropped her an email echoing the sentiments of Thursday's call: "Hey, how's it going? Care to get together again for another date? etc."
  • A week later I get the email below.
  • My commentary in blue. Enjoy.
"Hi Luke

Sorry I just got this email. I don't check this account much anymore. Sorry I did not reply to your phone call. I just didn't see much point. When you didn't call me for over a week (6 days if you're into the whole accuracy thing) after not emailing me for over a month (again, 22 days if you really wanna split hairs), I decided that things probably wouldn't work out for us. Most guys make that call in 3-4 days max if they had a good time (for future reference) (noted) and the call is never made on a Friday or Saturday night (I called on Thursday ... again, accuracy is more important to some than others) if the plan is to go out on Friday or Saturday night. If you call at least 2 days in advance it is always greatly appreciated and much less offensive. (Always assume that she has plans on the weekend. (Strange change of tone coming up ...) I had a great time meeting you! I hope that you don't take offense to the constructive criticism. On first impression, I think that you are a really great, well-rounded, fun, and interesting person. (Uhhhhhh, bonus?) You shouldn't miss out on the right girl just because you may not have realized these unspoken rules. (Thanks for speaking the previously unspoken, I s'pose.)

Good luck finding Miss Right :) "

Pretty impressive, no? I mean, if you're looking to reject somebody, that's how you do it.
  • Step 1: Point out all their wrongdoings (while paying no attention to accuracy of timing, mind you).
  • Step 2: Offer "constructive criticism" in the form of steadfast rules that seemingly must be applied for success in dating of all things.
  • Step 3: Tell the dude how great he is and how much you like(d) him.
Good times all around. If I'm being pessimistic ... uh, really? I miss your "call window" by 2 days (6 days instead of the recommended 4) and that's it? Such a mistake indicates that there are certainly no good times that could possibly be found in the future?

If I'm being optimistic (which I am) ... Assuming I had somehow recovered from this email and efforted my way into conversing with this girl again, it's pretty great to think that I'd basically be the dog house coming into date #2. Can't imagine what rules would apply in that scenario. You think she'd drop the latest in "constructive criticism" before or after desert?

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Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Just go. Please just ... go.

The title of this entry goes out to everyone that is found in either of the situations below. And I really didn't think these situations happened very often, but they've happened enough recently that I felt compelled to lay them out here.

Don't wait for that pedestrian, just go. Please just ... go.

Let's say you're waiting to turn right at a light and the light turns green and a pedestrian on the other side of the street starts heading your way, just go. Please just ... go.

Here's what I'm talking about:

When this happens, and you're in the car in front of me, just go. Please just ... go. I've seen about a billion people in the situation above and what do they do? They wait. They wait until the pedestrian has cleared the street entirely. Using my small sample size, this takes between 20 and 400 seconds (normal brisk walker vs. homeless person with their shed-sized shopping cart). And by this time the crosswalk is completely free of pedestrians, the light is no longer green and only a couple cars can make their right turn on this cycle of the light. I understand you're trying to be courteous to the pedestrian and all, but let's get serious. What you're really being is discourteous to all the motorists behind you (specifically me).

Look, you've got a minimum of 10 seconds before you're even going to be close to even gusting some drive-by wind on that pedestrian. Unless the walk signal fires up and this guy breaks into an olympic-qualifying level sprint, you are in no danger even attracting this pedestrian's attention, much less actually executing any level of vehicular manslaughter.

I'm serious. The light turns green. Take a moment and look at the pedestrian and realize how long it will be before he/she even gets to the middle of the road. Assess the 100% lack of danger and just go. Please just ... go.

Once again, don't wait for that pedestrian in the parking lot, just go. Please just ... go.

This situation is pretty much exactly the same, but in this example, I'm the pedestrian. And this situation seems to be exclusive to parking lots. Here it is.

I'm approaching a throughway in a parking lot and I see a car that is going to intersect my path. I recognize this and stop to wait for the car to pass me. If you're driving that car, just go. Please just ... go. Illustration:

So, once again, in the situation above, I think the motorist typically has this innate sense of courtesy so they stop and wait for me to go. The problem is that I was going up until I saw you. And then I stopped very deliberately and am purposefully not looking in your direction in hopes that you'll keep going. But inevitably you don't. And then what do I have to do? I have to do the f'ing courtesy jog (when I'm likely carrying a soda and a bag of lunch food). End result: you had to wait to get where you're going. I had to do the courtesy jog and the whole thing took about 10 seconds.

Let's recap:
  • I stop
  • You stop
  • I go "Oh! You want me to go?"
  • I courtesy jog
  • You wait
  • You go
  • 10 seconds gone
In my preferred alternative scenario, here's what happens. You're approaching my position in the parking lot. I stop. You recognize that I just stopped walking and so you just keep on rolling. Why? Because you're in a car. By default, you're already executing your own courtesy jog. I kindly and happily wait while you swiftly move past me. And then I go. And the whole thing takes about 5 seconds. See how nice that was?

Let's recap:
  • I stop
  • You go
  • I go
  • 5 seconds gone
Next time, just go. Please just ... go.

Did I just spend a half hour drawing pictures and writing up something that will save me a max of 5 seconds per encounter? Yes. Yes, I did. Some day (roughly 360 encounters from now), it will all be worth it.

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Monday, July 14, 2008

Google Street View of My House

You can gander the Google street view of my complex here. Or check it below.

Some great things to note:
  • The "For Sale" sign - I've lived in this complex for almost 3 years and this sign has been there since before day one. Apparently, there's been an empty condo the entire time I've lived here.
  • The SUV - This car has been broken into at least twice since they seem to leave valuables in their car and we live across the street from not-the-nicest apartment complex.
  • The open garage door - For some reason or another (and in spite of all the car break-ins), someone seems to leave their garage door open for an extended period of time at least once a day. And most times the open garage door reveals no car which, to me, says that not only is the garage door open, but no one is home. We've got some real safety-conscious home owners is what I'm saying.
These are the Olsen Townhomes. And I live here.

Friday, July 11, 2008

A few thoughts about the iPhone 3G and iPhone cases

So the new iPhone (the iPhone 3G) launched today. Let me start by saying this. I don't NEED a new iPhone at all. I already have an 8GB 1st generation iPhone that I put to use quite nicely. And, since I already have an iPhone, all I'm really getting by purchasing the new one is faster downloads and GPS. Still, though ... me wanty. I have plans for that extra 8GB I'll have with a 16GB phone.

So I choose to wait out the long lines and hit the Apple store around 2pm. I find out they're out of 16GB black iPhones. So I find myself thinking "I can do white. I have fond memories of owning white iPods and I'm actually sad I can't buy white iPods anymore. A white iPhone will be like a nice little renaissance." So then I gander the white iPhone in person and ... it just looks funny.

I stared at it for 20 minutes and just couldn't do it. So I ended up holding onto my cash and leaving the store with plans of picking up a black 16GB iPhone at a future date.

But before I left the store, another customer had the same dilemma as I did. He wasn't into the white iPhone either, but he was turned quickly when the clerk said "well, if you just get a black case, then you won't even see the white." And that was all it took. He was headed for the register. I could tell from his reaction that the white-masking case made more sense to him than the sky being blue and Tucson being hot. I mean, the concept of him not getting a case was right out. First comes iPhone, then comes case, then comes a baby in a baby carriage. Bing bang bong.

Here's my question: why?

It seems to me that the main concept of a case is protection. Cell phones are expensive. Cell phones are fragile. Protect your expensive fragile merchandise, right? Well here's the thing. The iPhone cases don't protect the fragile part of the iPhone. By definition, they can't. The iPhone requires you to be able to see and touch the screen. So the cases can't cover that.

And as far as I can tell that's all you'd want to protect. But you can't. Cuz then the iPhone would be worthless. And yet, iPhone cases sell like mad. There are tons of iPhones out there where the hard plastic backing is some kind of great shape. The backs of those iPhone are in mint condition, ya know? The screen might be cracked to all hell, but the back of that iPhone is like new out of the box.

In my opinion, all you're really getting with your iPhone case is a little bit of extra volume added to your iPhone. What was once thin and sleek is now a little bit bigger. And you're still on your own to protect that giant piece of glass.

I've had a case-free iPhone since launch day 1 and I've enjoyed how slim it is all the while. And my jean pocket has done a fine job of protecting my precious screen (I actually have some deep thoughts on this that I'll explain on a later post).

In the meantime, buy your precious worthless iPhone cases, everyone. Keep pumping that shadow economy.

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Monday, July 7, 2008

The Bachelorette Musings, The Finale and After the Final Rose

Well, I'm nearly 29 and this is my Monday night. I'm prepared to watch 3 f'ing hours of DeAnna, Jesse and Jason. Son of a b. Sorry to use harsh ... letters, but I mean ... with nights like this ... can't wait for 30! You know what they say? 30 is the new 20 (year old sorority girl). Oh me oh my I am lacking in masculinity ... OKAY onto the show!
  • So we start with a recap which featured Jason saying "I never expected to meet someone like DeAnna." Right. You expected to meet DeAnna exactly ... which you did. Don't they know who the b'lette is when they submit their app? No?
  • Holy crap, we're actually in Newnan. Nnnnnnnnnewnan!
  • So DeAnna's sister ... uh ... she looks ... not like DeAnna.
  • Why is Newnan sitting on the couch with her feet just barely hovering off the ground? Is she that tiny or did they buy their couch from the mad hatter?
  • Ah, the Pappas' reminiscing about Big Swayze ... good times.
  • Jason, in reflecting about Newnan, says "my feelings grow 100% probably every day." Probably. Some days it's only 87%. Other days 120%. But it probably averages out to 100 so we're cool.
  • Does Mr. Pappas rock a cane? Or is he just going to beat Jason with it if he pulls a Big Swayze?
  • OH! It wasn't a cane, it was a golf club ... that he uses in his front yard. Work on that short game, Big Pappas.
  • Big Pappas says Jason is "a gem of a guy." He went on to say that Jason is outrageous, truly truly truly outrageous.
  • Onto Jesse's in-house session and he's getting grilled compared to Jason. Apparently being a snowboarder is much much worse than being a divorced single dad. I'm not saying either is worse than the other. I'm just saying take it easy on my boy Jesse. Equal opportunity grilling, please.
  • Big Pappas says "I have a nephew that's 6'5" 300 lbs. and we'll come hunt you down." Jesse's response: "Nice." Honestly what else CAN you say to something like that? You're my boy, Jesse!
  • Oh no! Jesse didn't ask the permission. Safe to say he didn't kill it. Didn't kill it.
  • Hyperbole is back! Harrison says "it's the most awkward family visit ever." Good times.
  • Wow, so I don't think I heard her right but apparently the extended family visits involves meeting Zhahj, Yaya, Papoo and Uncle Blue Tarp. Or Clutark. Or Flulark. And of course Tina. There's always a Tina.
  • So Jesse shows up and then Jason shows up and we basically have this on our hands.
  • Just what this season needed ... another big ladle full of awkward sauce. Jason, DeAnna and Jesse on the same couch in front of Yaya and Papoo and Tina. Drink it in, everyone. It's probably our last helping.
  • Jesse shows Yaya and Papoo how to "blow it up". Good times. Later he shows them how to huck a rodeo hambone steal grind! There was one casualty, but trust me, it was worth it ... and rad.
  • Yaya chooses Jason?! What the gd? He didn't show you how to blow it up!
  • Well at least Jesse is killin' it with the sister and sis-in-law while Yaya and Papoo are fawning over Jason. Killed it with the sisters!
  • Wow, let's hear it for the music director. As Jesse asks for Big Pappas' blessing, there is a dramatic crescendo, a pause and then a laid back acoustic guitar jam as Pappas grants his blessing. Listen closely, everyone. Those smooth acoustic notes are telling you everything's gonna be okay.
  • And then Jesse and Big Pappas nug! AND blow it up! Oh man, he killed it! Killed it! You're my boy, Jesse! Eat that, Yaya!
  • DeAnna, really? You really want this guy? Really?
  • Yaya goes nugs with Jesse again? Don't do it, Jesse. She's disloyal. She's a traitor to the code of the nugs.
  • Well, looks like the sisters are traitors too. They're all up on Jason despite Jesse killin' it with both of them. Not lookin' good for my boy.
  • So Jeremy comes back. Looks like that previous helping of awkward wasn't our last. We get a big awkward double fudge sundae with awkward sauce sprinkled with awkward cherries! And two awkward spoons!
  • Once again Jeremy and DeAnna are the most boring couple ever. I'm fast forwarding. She's rejecting him yet again. Nice work, Newnan.
  • Okay, the 2-hour format is not helping here. Jesse and DeAnna get their own island. Jesse gives DeAnna a memory book. Jesse READS her the book out loud. We get it. It's great. It's wonderful. They like each other a lot.
  • Just noticed they changed the bachelorette logo so that the "O" is a diamond ring. Nice touch, ABC.
  • Jason and Newnan go scuba diving with sharks on their date. Get it? It's a metaphor for their whole relationship. The ocean is the format of the show: very difficult to navigate without mouthfuls of awkward salt water. The sharks are the other bachelors, specifically Greg the Coyotes guy. And the self contained underwater breathing apparatus is Chris Harrison: necessary to the show, but annoying and tough to get used to. Nah! I'm just kidding, Harrison. Lova ya, buddy!
  • And then this dude makes DeAnna a flipping board game. Let me guess what it's called. CandyLAME! No, wait. Chutes and LAMERS! No no no. SORRY, I'm a Tool. Stretch on the last one? Okay.
  • So the dudes pick out their respective rings and I get how it's special and all ... I guess. But honestly, is there a ring that one guy could pick out that would cause DeAnna to say "Hmmm, you know what? Nah. I can't be with a guy that picks that ugly giant diamond." What's that? I'm totally insensitive? Dang it.
  • Also, Jesse has cut off a chunk of his hair since the start, no?
  • While we're here, Jesse is rocking some emotions. Near hurling at the ring choosing and crying in the confessional. We've come a long way from the 3-step hand shake at the start.
  • Well, Jason is the first out of the limo. The show's history tells us this is typically a bad sign for Jason and a gnarly/rad sign for Jesse. Jason is also wearing an orange tie.
  • Man, DeAnna is cold as ICE! Jason drops to a knee and before he can even say a word, she says "no". Big Swayze taught her well.
  • Can't believe Jesse killed it! He killed it! Check my quote from this entry: "Do you think Newnan knows what it means to 'shred the gnar'? Me neither." I sit corrected, Newnan. I sit corrected.
  • Also this proves that being first out of the limo means doom on all incarnations of this show.
  • What the hell is up with the switching of sides after the rejection? It's happened before and it happened just now. Newnan lines up on the right for the rejection and lines up on the left for Jesse. Bizarre, I say.
  • Well, Newnan does NOT pull a Big Swayze and she accepts the MADE coach's proposal. Killed it.
  • You know, the music montage was cheeseball, but I remember that it's not as bad as all that monkey talk during the last finale we saw.
  • Nugs, Jesse. Blow it up. Can't believe I watched the whole damn season. F.
Onto The Bachelorette: After the Final Rose. I mean, why the hell not? Right?
  • There seem to be quite a few more dudes in tonight's audience.
  • DeAnna and Jason chat and it all actually seems to conclude pretty dang well. Good work, all.
  • We're 25 minutes in on my 3rd bullet point. Clearly this is some gripping TV.
  • Well if it isn't Matt and Shane (aka Monkey) ... and Lamas is wearing a giant ass belt. I've seen some belts in my day, but wow. That is an undercarriage for the ages.
  • Man, that Matt/Lamas season really blew. This montage can't end fast enough. F it. I'm fast-forwarding. I can't handle it.
  • I guess we should speculate on the "surprise" announcement ... I'll be obvious and say preggers? I mean, that'd be something. But it's probably something lame like "we're moving to Denver!" or "DeAnna bought a snowboard!"
  • One entire (ly non-gripping) segment later and we get the announcement. They set a date. Let's all say it: fannnnnnnnnntastic.
Well, that last hour brought the show to a screeching halt. And then dragged out that screech for another hour. Shoot me in the face. "Hi, I'm ABC and we have ZERO summer programming." Nice to meet you, ABC. Good luck filling your Mondays now!

P.S. Hi, Big Swayze. You're still awesome.

And finally, shamelessly, click on any of these little links below if you're so inclined. It'll maybe get a few new readers to the bloggy here. Onwards and upwards, ya know?

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Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Cherish these moments

You know what moment is a special big ball of awkward? It's the time when you pull up behind a pick up truck ... and there's a guy sitting in the back of the truck ... and your car and his truck come up to a red light.

The situation is tailor made for the most amazing male on male eye contact awkwardness imaginable. It's engineered so you have to make efforts to not look at each other. He's in the back of the truck. And obviously the most comfortable sitting position in the truck bed is with his back against the cab and his legs extended out so that he's facing directly backwards. And you're driving so you have to face forward. End result: 2 dudes pretty much situated like this:

This just happened to me and I've never worked so hard at avoiding eye contact. I'm looking at the truck's license plate. I'm looking sorta past the truck and at whatever is ahead on the right. I think it was an electronics supply store. I'm adjusting my cap and messing with the radio. But at the same time I have to continue looking generally forward. If I commit to avoiding eye contact by re-organizing the junk in my center console, I run the risk of missing the change of the light and having to do that awkward wave to the person behind me as I jam on the gas and try to make up the gap. And guess who's waiting for me when I close said gap? That's right: truck bed boy. Great.

And it really doesn't help that you know the dude is embarrassed about his riding situation. Not only does he seem to not have a car, but he doesn't even get to ride inside the flipping truck. He's been relegated to the same place where the truck's owner typically throws his bag, trash, dead deer carcasses, whatever. And in my particular situation, they made him ride in the bed instead of riding bitch in the truck cab. Bitch was open! And he was still forced to ride in the back. How good of a friend is the guy who is forced to ride in the bed when bitch is open? So he's hanging with friends that really don't seem to like him while sitting in the bed of a truck and sharing a giant jug of awkward eye contact sauce with yours truly. Good times, brah.

Next time, dude, just stay home and save us both from the horror, eh?

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Monday, June 30, 2008

The Bachelorette Musings, The Overnight Dates and The Men Tell All

Before I settle in for another 2 hours of Newnan, I gotta say there's something mighty satisfying about drumming on rock band. Probably not as satisfying as actual drumming, though. Might have to look into that.

I'm gonna guess before we get going that Jason gets the boot tonight. With that said, here goes:
  • I've spent the first 10 minutes of the episode firing up the computer and writing what's above while Jeremy and Newnan do their thing. Read: another boring date for DeAnna and Jeremy.
  • Who hopes the turtle makes a cameo? Me, that's who.
  • As this boring date continues on to dinner, remember Cameo? That guy was great. What IS the word, Cameo, so word up.
  • Jiggins, the awkwardness of this show is back. Just keep asking each other "are you nervous?" That'll make things more comfy. For all of us.
  • I think Jeremy just said "Shall I read it?" unironically. Who says shall? Then again, who says forego? Chris Harrison, that's who!
  • Looks like the individual rooms have been forgotten? Foregone? Foregoing? Foregiggidy? Foregonzor.
  • As with every season, I would kill for a look at the camera and a wink during that awkward moment when the dude (Jeremy in this case) gets up to close the hotel room door on the camera men.
  • Onto Jason's date ... Newnan is hippy. Hips.
  • When did Jason turn into the goofiest dude alive? Tone it down, Ty's dad.
  • You know what? I've been to the Amazon. They're actually kinda right about the looks of this pond type thing they're on.
  • Ah, the kayak kiss. Almost as romantic as this.
  • Jason and Newnan's dinner isn't as awkward as it is super gigantic cheesy puff ball. Jeez.
  • Jason, I'd like to personally thank you for actually acting like you know what's on the card.
  • Here's a question. Is it the same room as the one she and Jeremy had? If so, why does that feel kinda gross to me?
  • Uh oh, big musical crescendo for Jason's "opening up session" with DeAnna. Jesse, don't f up. The pressure's on, dude.
  • Word to the wise: if you want to be entertained, watch Wipeout on ABC on Tuesdays! ABC, feel free to drop me a check whenever.
  • You're my boy, Jesse! Kid is gonna huck a Bahama barn rodeo with snag lift pull!!!
  • Wow, those horses are not afraid of the water. Steve could learn a lot from them.
  • Am I wrong or is Jesse and DeAnna's date the most normal, natural and non-awkward date of them all?
  • For you kids following along at home, Breck = Breckenridge aka Jesse's home aka the shreddiest place on earth!
  • "I definitely don't put on boots and go shred every day?" Say it ain't so, Jesse. Say it ain't so.
  • Look, I have to say it. Jesse's killin' it. Killin' it.
  • Man, DeAnna is itching for that fantasy suite. She's said she's dying to get there twice now.
  • Jesse and the fantasy suite fake out ... what can I say? He's my boy. Jesse's my boy. I've said it before. I'll likely say it again.
  • Killed it.
  • "If you'd like to nominate the next Bachelor or Bachelorette or if you'd like to chit chat with Chris, call 866-739-3150. He's lonely and he only knows how to recite his bachelor lines at this point so don't expect deep conversation. It's pretty much like talking to one of those dolls with the strings in their back."
  • Onto the rose ceremony ... and Newnan has a giant bow on her dress. It's like she's the present to 2 of the 3 dudes with untucked shirts. When in Rome, boys. Well done.
  • Jesse gets the first pick two days in a row! Stoked. To harken back to the earlier episodes ... dare I say front runner?
  • Wow, Jeremy gets the boot. Color me surprised.
  • Later, Jeremy. It's been boring ... and awkward. And not fun. And boring.
  • Oh wait, the awkwardness isn't over. She has to walk him out.
  • Cliche cliche cliche. Open up. Connection. Luckiest girl in the world. Meant everything I said. And he's gone.
  • Nice. The somber guitar song is back.
  • Can't believe we're back to the most awkward toast again. Jesse, Jason and Newnan. Soak in the awkward, everyone.
  • Oh wait, Jeremy's shirt wasn't untucked. That's probably why he didn't get picked. Walk it out, dude.
  • Onto the men tell all. Notice that it's the men tell all and not the dudes tell all. I'm ready for some whining and complaining and cat fighting not natural to any dudes.
  • How have I forgotten that her last name is Pappas? As in Angelo Pappas. Her and Big Swayze would have been something.
  • Holy crap, they brought back Greg the "coyotes" guy. Need a refresher?
  • Fred, Graham and Jeremy get some big cheers from the 99.7% female crowd. The opening Chris Harrison monologue reveals 3 men in a shot showing 36 people. Higher than I would have expected.
  • Speaking of Graham, check out this BS. And remember ... "46 is not a charity, but rather a brand that enables children's charities." Got it? Got it.
  • Survey says ... the ladies like Rick Nye Science Guy. Giggles giggles.
  • "What night did you figure out what you were doing, Twilley?" Ice COLD, Harrison.
  • I'm glad Ryan the crazy football player aka most likeable 8th grader is back. That dude is a special kind of nuts. And has cat claws like no other.
  • Harrison actually makes me laugh when he says "I like guys that can high five after calling each other a d-bag." He also actually said d-bag. Nice work, Harrison.
  • Also, that montage of Twilley hating on Jeremy, Jeremy hating on Twilley reminds me of something. Even though reality TV and the idea of confessionals has been around for over a decade now, as a species it seems we still haven't figured out that what we say in the confessional is being recorded and will be played back for the whole country later.
  • One thing I never want to hear in my life: "Come on up here and join me in the hot seat, Luke." Ever.
  • Kudos to the producers for trying to get a shot of a girl that looked sorta like she was crying during Jeremy's sob story, but that chick was not crying. Good effort though.
  • So basically Jeremy today is DeAnna from Big Swayze's season. Feel free to use the word "confused" as often as you'd like when Newnan makes her appearance, Jeremy.
  • Bringing Graham onto the hot seat ... Jimmy Kimmel? Oprah? Ellen? I don't get it.
  • DeAnna's in the hot seat now and there's a "lotta respect in the house tonight." Whatever that means. Harrison is in rare form tonight.
  • Man! There is some passive aggressive stuff going down between Newnan and Graham right now. And I love all the muffled giggles from the females in the audience.
  • They get an awesome shot of two dudes chuckling big time at one of Harrison's jokes. I'm a giant hypocrite, right? Right.
  • So when Newnan scrunches her mouth to one side. Is that cute or not? I can't decide.
  • Here comes Ryan piping up about something. Cat claws are out of control. "OCD. Obsessive compulsive DeAnna like my man Jeremy." We should put this guy on as a contestant on the next Bachelor.
  • Somehow Graham works in another passive aggressive "I'm sorry." Good job.
  • The bloopers montage was gold. And Harrison is knocking it out of the park this episode. Regarding Shawn's mullet: "Business in the front. Party in the back." Regarding Shawn's karate: "Do you think he actually trained in the Cobra Cai dojo?" Gold, Harrison.
  • If Greg started running in my direction after ripping his shirt off, I'd be off the set as soon as possible. I do NOT want to hear the coyotes.
Well, that was another interesting and slightly painful 2 hours. Can't believe I'm not only still watching this show, but have a legitimate rooting interest in the finale. And I really have no idea who DeAnna is going to pick. The super smiley guy with the kid. Or the dude that can huck a rodeo at the drop of a hat. Another 2 hours and I guess we'll know. Harrison: "the most dramatic finale ever." There ya go, I guess.

P.S! Fred lands a date!!! Fred is awesome.

And finally, shamelessly, click on any of these little links below if you're so inclined. It'll maybe get a few new readers to the bloggy here. Onwards and upwards, ya know?

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