Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Band names

So my buddy Lubs and I have a band. Well not really. It's not so much of a get-together-and play-instruments-band as it is a let's-start-with-a-kick-ass-band-name-and-work-out-the-details-later kind of band.

It started innocently enough with the name "16 and 2". This name was the result of me recounting a concert and telling Lubs that it was your standard "16 and 2 set list". I.E. 16 songs for the regular set and then a 2-song encore.

"16 and 2" was our first band name. Since then, we've changed our band name many times. All our names since "16 and 2" have been based on crazy news story headlines. Actually, they've been exactly crazy news story headlines.

We started with: "Wild eagles attack paraglider"

Then we moved onto: "Two clowns shot dead at circus"

And then: "Pregnant cow runs riot across city"

And finally: "Chinese pirates beat Spider-Man to the punch"

We're still deciding.

This game is most fun when you imagine us finishing our first song and then announcing our name.

"All right, thanks for coming out, we're Wild Eagles Attack Paraglider. We want to thank the Mates of State for asking us to open for them."

Or ...

"Ok, this our last tune. Thanks everyone for coming out on a Tuesday. Don't forget to go say hi to Tom in the back at the merch booth, we got cds and t-shirts, we'll see you next time we're in town, once again we're Pregnant Cow Runs Riot Across City. GOOD NIGHT!"

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Speaking of Johnsica

Looks like SNL disagrees with my theory and sides with the more physical explanation of the relationship:

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

New special occasion

I was listening to the commercials that air during the Dan Patrick show on ESPN Radio. I was only somewhat paying attention when I caught this quote:

"It's the perfect place for your birthday, bachelor or divorce party."

Firstly, there are divorce parties now? Where does this fall in the list of important special occasions that you, as a friend of the divorcee, should attend? I'm guessing above new Big & Rich CD listening party, below just-bought-a-new-HD-TV for next Busch Series Event party. Do you bring gifts to this party? Is it acceptable to bring a date? Does Hallmark have a line of cards out? Do the invitations say "Starts - 9pm, Ends - ???"

Secondly, care to take a guess at who paid for this commercial? Exactly. A strip club.

Sunday, April 8, 2007


I sometimes do Internet marketing for the company I work for. As a result, I'm excited by high Google ranks. It's totally understandable if you don't share my excitement.

Dogs are not sneaky

So I have a dog named Steve. See above.

He loves this blue couch I have. As a result, I leave folding chairs on it so he does not sleep on it while I'm at work. See picture below and click for more details.

Notice the one red/blue sock. Now get a ganders at how I was greeted upon arriving home.

Where have you been sleeping, Steve?

Thursday, April 5, 2007


So it occurs to me that no one has applied the oh-so-clever couple moniker to John Mayer and Jessica Simpson. Initially I thought a cute Bennifer-esque title wasn't possible since both their names started with "J". So then I went to their last names and considered Mimpson or Mayson or Simpyer. But then I realized the exact same convention that was applied to Bennifer could be applied here: first syllable male + second two syllables female = Johnsica. But I digress.

I write because I have come to an interesting conclusion as a result of the Johnsica union that no one else seems to have mentioned yet. And to me, personally, this is a big deal. Here it is:

She must be cool.

I italicize "must" because up until Johnsica, there was no real reason to think of Mrs. Chicken of the Sea as cool. I think popular opinion of Simpson through her break up with Mr. Chicken of the Sea (Nick, if you're reading this, I had to do it) is as follows:
  1. Attractive, possibly even hot
  2. Decent singer
  3. Allegedly religious
  4. Alleged pre-marriage virgin
  5. Often cavity ridden
  6. Dumb as rocks
Considering her exposure via her music and her MTV reality show, I don't know how you could think much of else of her. Whatever you thought of her, I doubt you ever said, "What a cool girl that Jessica is."

My other reason for italicizing "must" is based on my personal opinion of John Mayer. I could really try to explain it to you, or I could explain it in the way most of my bros would explain it to you - "Luke would have John Mayer's butt baby." Which is a much cruder way of saying I have a severe man-crush on the dude. In defense of my man-crush, I find the dude to be the best guitar player I've ever come across, I find his lyrical subject matter to be truly unique and often thought-provoking (at least personally), the few personal interactions I've had with him (sadly, they were non-romantic) along with all his blog entries reveal him to be extremely intelligent, humorous and having not only a great taste in music, but one that is remarkably congruent with my own. Also I appreciate the way he's handled fame and musical success. I think he's still a normal person and hasn't gone Maroon 5 on us (read: turned into a pompous d-bag). I also think he has really put out the albums he's wanted to put out at each turn in his career (and even possibly in doing so introduced an entire generation of screaming 15 year old girls to blues music via his album "Try!").

Ok, I probably would have his butt baby.

So, play along and assume all my thoughts about John are true. Why in the hell would he date a pop-singing platinum blond that can't do laundry (literally) and thinks buffalo wings are made from actual buffaloes (she basically has no idea what she's ingesting at any moment)? When rumors of Johnsica first popped up, I chalked it up to "Go 'head, John. Get your groove back." But you have to disregard that John was only interested in bullet #1 above now that this "relationship" has gone on for months, right? After a while, you have to be able to enjoy each other's company, have interesting conversations, etc. Along that lines, I suppose it's possible to think that John has shunned all his apparent intelligence and now enjoys dining while wondering and really not knowing what type of animal he's eating, but that just doesn't seem likely to me.

With all that in mind, we have to assume that Jessica is actually cool. She can keep up with a someone from the Berklee School of Music in a conversation about the history of the blues. She has a full understanding of dry, sarcastic comedy. Maybe she even learned to do laundry.

She must be cool.

Otherwise, I've been impregnated by a long-haired falsetto-voiced idiot.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Laura Harring

So my buddy Ryan and I were discussing the premiere of The Shield Season 6 last night and the subject of Mackey's attorney came up ... Laura Harring:

If you're a guy reading this and you've seen the movie Mulholland Dr., you immediately know who this woman is. As amazing as her Mulholland Dr., uh, performance is, what's more amazing is the "Trivia" portion of her IMDB page.

Let's have a ganders:

Miss USA 1985

Great start. Truly a fun fact.

She was married to Count Carl Edward Von Bismark ...

The comedy begins. In the words of Ando ... "Count Carl Edward Von Bismark -- I mean, that's a joke, right?"

... and although they divorced, she still retains the title of countess.

So how does that affect her Miss USA title? Countess USA 1985? Also "still retains"? Do you just write a memo letting everyone know? Or do you have to appear before some board that determines who gets Count and Countess titles? Who decides on these titles? Dukes? Lords? This fun fact is like an episode of LOST - many more questions than answers.

Prior to entering show business, Laura thought about becoming a gemologist.

Honestly, IMDB, who the f hasn't thought about becoming a gemologist? Really sub-par trivia. Get it together, IMDB.

Professional Tango dancer and Social Worker in India at 18 years old

Good rebound. Laura clearly has skills. Social working skills. Leads perfectly into this ...

Was shot in the head at the age of twelve while riding in her parents car in a parking lot when the two cars behind them got into a gunfight. The bullet missed hitting her brain by one millimeter.

WHAT!? ... !!!! ... That's the craziest fun fact ever. How in the great world of the Interwebbing was this the 9th fun fact!? She was shot. Shot in the head. With a bullet! ONE MILLIMETER!

What's crazier than this fact, though, is the fact that IMDB then follows up with these two facts:

Measurements: 33-23-34, Wears a size 7.5 shoe


You follow "shot in the head and lived" with shoe size!?

I think what we've learned is that despite this being the Internet Movie Database, IMDB is the worst story teller ever. Can you imagine IMDB telling this story at a party?

"... and then she was shot in the head and lived because the bullet was a millimeter off ..."

[Crowd is completely gripped - hanging on IMDB's every word]

"... and THEN! and THEN! ... Wait for it ... Oh man, you guys aren't going to believe it ... she wears a size SEVEN AND HALF SHOE! ... "


"... I mean, that's CRAZY times, right!?"

Climax, IMDB. Look it up.