The Bachelor Diaries, Episode 10

Well I decided to take a couple weeks off to contemplate just how much of a badass Big Swayze really is. I think I'm now ready for "After the Final Rose". (Side note: shouldn't they technically change the name of this particular episode? I know it's typically called "The Bachelor: After the Final Rose" but in this case, there was no final rose so it should probably be called "The Bachelor: After the Final Beat Down" or "The Bachelor: After Straight Up Double Rejection" or "The Bachelor: Big Swayze Rules The Bachelor and All Previous Bachelors" or "The Bachelor: HowdoyoulikemeNOW?!".) In all seriousness though, I give props to the Brad for realizing he didn't really feel it like he expected to with either girl so he cut them loose. Granted he probably could have just dated one of them, but he decided not to ... and I think that's a pretty decent decision. ANYWAY (copyright Chuck Klosterman), here we go with the final diary of the season.

• Chris Harrison nailed it right at the start. "Brad remains the bachelor." That's really what it's all about, right? You just can't ask Big Swayze to change the essence of his being. He is ... The Bachelor. (Another side note: this ending suddenly reminds of the end to one of the greatest reality shows ever called "The Player" in which each episode ended with a girl saying to her rejected dude with a completely straight face: "Don't hate the player. Hate the game." It was epic. Anyway, with a tag line like that, you can imagine there were some real dudes on this show. And because the show was called "The Player", when this girl chose her final guy (ergo, the ultimate player), he was then given a choice between the chick he'd been competing for for months ... or an SUV. AND HE TOOK THE SUV! I mean he really was ... THE Player. It was awesome. Oh and did I mention that Boston Rob from Survivor left "the players" voicemail messages and called himself "The Playah Operaytah". MAN, that show ruled! What? You didn't see it. Oh. Okay. Well at least get a taste of how great this show as by checking out the theme song here.)
• Let's start the show off with ... completely random clapping. It went like this:
• Crowd cheers as Chris enters.
• Crowd simmers.
  
• Harrison goes "Yes, we have a lot to talk about, don't we?"
• Crowd erupts into cheer again similar to when Dr. Phil says the most obvious thing ever and gets raving applause from his audience. "Well maybe you shouldn't scream profanities and sexist comments at your wife when you're at the mall," says Dr. Phil. Crowd goes f'ing nuts. No shit, Dr. Phil. You're really forging new boundaries and deserve said applause, moron. Hate Dr. Phil.
  
• I've already gone off on three tangents and we're like 5 minutes into the show. Yikes.
• "Possibly the most shocking ending ever," Chris? Possibly? This guy really chokes in the playoffs, am I right?
• First public appearance as a family for Trista and co. Really? They've been locked in the house with blackout shades since the birth?
• Holy crap Byron and Crazy Mary are still together? And she even said crazy twice right off the bat. Was I the only one that called her Crazy Mary? Cuz she was crazy.
• Here's Jenni. I'm ready for at least 8 awkward laughs and more crack interviewing skills from Harrison.
• Yep, I still can't handle her. Thanks, flashback. "Southern gentleman is so my type. HAHAHAHAHA." Gah!
• So I know for certain that Jenni was already back to living with her old boyfriend when she filmed this. And she's all cry time while watching the flashbacks? Really?
• Okay, that's awesome. Jenni didn't know about the double rejection til we all did. The Bachelor is shrouded in secrecy.
• Huh? Jenni and Brad's relationship was built on respect and sincerity? I thought it was built on nervous over-laughing and quick commitments to overnight dates.
• Jenni's Grandma, props. Cool chica right there.
• Newnan's accent is really kickin' tonight.
  
• Aw, man, the elbow nudge didn't make it into the flashback. That was the apex of their relationship as far as I'm concerned.
  
• I noticed that Brad said "I can't look you in your eye and tell you 'I love you.'" Which eye specifically do you think he had in mind?
• Dang, Newnan is gonna reign down fire on Swayze. She's pissed.
• Man, 10 weeks later and it's still like it happened yesterday for Newnan. Torch carrier, that one.
• Dude! How awesome would it be if they pulled the Chad switch again?
• Dang. That would have been great. Can I say "best suit Brad has worn all season?"
  
• Great job, ABC, loading that audience with pissed women. They f'ing groaned when Swayze said he was disappointed with the result as well.
• Judging from Swayze's comments, it's basically the most public case of "he's just not that into you" ever.
  
• Wow, Harrison is actually asking good questions here. Why buy the ring? Do you feel like a jerk? Solid work, sir.
• The shots of the crowd have no price.
  
• Wait, there's pissed dudes in the crowd too. "Burn him! He's a witch! Burn hiiiiim!"
• Keep in mind that, thanks to the Johnjay and Rich intel (see my last blog entry), we know that Jenni is living with her pre-Bachelor boyfriend during the filming of this thing. And she is f'ing grilling the dude. Such bullshit. Booooo, Jenni. Boooooo.
  
• I'm behind Brad all the way. He chose not to string either of them along ... and now they're pissed. I think it's a lose/lose for him.
• I'll say it again, Newnan. He's just not that into you.
• Brad is a stud. This is an f'ing firing squad and the dude is representing.
  
• "What now for Brad Womack?" asks Harrison. Look out, Larry King.
• Can Byron or someone give Brad a hug? Dude's a stand up guy and deserves some backers here.
• Ok, I can't stress this enough. If you still have this episode on your Tivo, roll it back and check out the last question during the credits. The girl that says "Does this mean Brad is still single?" After she says that, she transforms into some kind of maniacal rabbit. Dave and I watched it 4 times over cuz it was that crazy.

Well, kids, it's been real. It's been fun. It hasn't been real fun. ... Nah, I'm just kidding Greatest Bachelor season ever! Greatest bachelor ever! I'm looking forward to the next round in the spring. Until then, if you ever miss Big Swayze, just pop in Point Break. Pop in Point Break anyway. So good.

The Bachelor Diaries, Addendum

I do plan on doing a diary on the "After the Final Rose".  I'm getting there.

In the mean time, Jenni has been on a Phoenix radio show a couple times since it all went down.

Listen to her by going here and looking for "Jenni Croft" and "Jenni from The Bachelor".  There's some pretty amazing stuff in her radio interviews including:

• She is now BACK with the dude she broke up with just before going on the Bachelor.
• Moreover she pretty much went on The Bachelor BECAUSE this dude broke up with her.
• Moreover, the dude picked her up from the airport as she returned from The Bachelor and now they f'ing live together in Phx and she claims that she is just head over heels.
• Moreover she claims not a single girl of the final 3 sealed the deal with Big Swayze?  Can you believe that snizzle?
• Moreover is the whole world taking crazy pills?!

Otherwise, check her skills here:

The Funniest Commercial on TV - Vol. 4

If you ask me.

The Bachelor Diaries, Episode 9

Well, hard to believe it was only 8 episodes ago that I had no idea how annoying Jenni's laugh is. Before we start, I'm going with Newnan. I think Big Swayze is gonna go curveball on us.

• "And then, it's the moment we've all been waiting for." Don't you dare speak for me, Chris Harrison. You lost me on your back slide last week.
• "Get ready for the most dramatic finale in Bachelor history." Just hush, Chris. You had me at "THE".
• Big Swayze really couldn't look more like Lil' Swayze. It's like they're the same person.
  
• Nice duck walk from Swayze as he walks Newnan into the room.
• "Are you expecting a proposal?" asks Mama Swayze. "Oh absolutely." Newnan starts strong, but immediately follows with "not so much expecting one, hoping for one." Good effort at least. You tried.
• She looks like friggin' Poe though compared to Swayze who drops this piece of knowledge on little bro Wes and the Chad: "Uh, she's good, huh?" Such a sweet talker, that Brad. He's like a magician with words.
• Holy shit. The whole family does the "yawps" before Jenni's arrival. 5 "yawps" from the 4 of them in about 20 seconds.
• F Jenni!
• "Have you told Brad that you loved him?" -Mama
• "I have not. HAHAHAHAHAHA." -Guess who
• There was tons more horrible laughter from Jenni during this segment, but I was too busy vomiting to get it all down here.
• For the record, Wes can NOT throw a football.
• Plotting out the 1st through the 6th time that you leave the toilet seat up. That's true love right there.
• Newnan is making a real strong play as far as what she says, but how she says it is always a little ... straight forward for me. Right? She just seems a little robotic at times, no?
• Did I just see a commercial where a talking dog announced a sale that begins at 4am? Black Friday is out of control.
• Jenni goes for the water works and takes the lead I gotta figure.
• Holy crap a journal. She's fully in the lead.
  
• She also hasn't laughed once all night. Which has been totally awesome!
• Does he trim his beard every day to keep it at that length? Or does he shave all the way down and then they just film him only on every 3rd or 4th day?
• Uh oh, he didn't go to Jared's. If TV has taught me anything, that's a bad thing.
• Brad's tie sucks if you ask me.
• Jenni's out of the limo first. Probably NOT good news for the laugher.
• Aaaaaaand the music pauses and she's out ... They both handled it pretty damn well I think. Very respectable break up as far as nationally broadcast reality TV goes.
• Weird. Why did Brad line up stage left for Jenni and then line up stage right for Newnan? Did the producers actually put thought into this? They've never had me more interested.
• DUDE! Harrison was not f'ing around! Drama! What is Swayze doing?! He's gonna dump 'em both?!
• Swayze is a complete STUD! He dropped 'em both! Most dramatic finale in Bachelor history. Believe it, people!
• Here's a question. Does he keep the ring?
• Oh yeah, drop that TUNE I like. So appropriate.
• F-bomb in the limo from Newnan. Scorned, y'all.
• Here's another question. Did he have to ask permission to drop them both? Or did he spring that on the crew as it happened?
• An oh-so-appropriate Point Break quote comes to mind: "Yeah, I know man. Ain't it wild? That's what makes it so interesting. You can do what you want, and make up your own rules. Why be a servant to the Bachelor, when you can be it's master?" (The previous quote may not be 100% accurate.)
  

Dang, y'all. The drama continues tomorrow night after the final (lack of a) rose. We'll see you then. If ABC can get another hour out of this, I can get another few bullet points.

A deeply philosophical discussion about "The Hills"

Look, I'm not the only one talking about this so back off! All right, fine, it's deplorable, but I'm posting about "The Hills" anyway.

Seriously, though I really am curious about the questions I ask in the following chat.

(3:04:59 PM) Ando: dude did you watch the hills this week?
(3:05:02 PM) Ando: i know it's fake
(3:05:08 PM) Luke: nah
(3:05:10 PM) Ando: but i actually scooted to the edge of my seat
(3:05:12 PM) Luke: i'm weeks behind on the hills
(3:05:16 PM) Luke: give it to me
(3:05:21 PM) Luke: i don't see myself catching up any time soon
(3:05:25 PM) Ando: heidi and lauren talk
(3:05:29 PM) Ando: heidi apologizes
(3:05:32 PM) Ando: lauren gives it to her
(3:05:37 PM) Ando: heidi continues to apologize
(3:05:55 PM) Ando: lauren says "it's time to forgive and forget. i want to forgive you...and i want to forget you."
(3:06:02 PM) Ando: cue sad chick music as heid walks out
(3:06:12 PM) Luke: awesome
(3:06:22 PM) Luke: can i seriously ask the following question
(3:06:32 PM) Luke: what is the truth on this whole sex tape thing?
(3:06:39 PM) Luke: is there a sex tape?
(3:06:46 PM) Luke: was the rumor real? or a fake rumor?
(3:07:07 PM) Luke: and assuming the tape never existed, what's so bad about a rumor about a sex tape that doesn't exist?
(3:07:38 PM) Ando: all excellent questions... the last one is the real one for me. like if i ever had a moment alone with lauren, that's what i'd ask her
(3:07:49 PM) Ando: she said to heidi, 'you have no idea how bad it got'
(3:07:53 PM) Ando: how bad could it be?
(3:07:55 PM) Ando: i'm totally curious
(3:09:18 PM) Luke: yeah, people rioting outside your apt?
(3:09:24 PM) Luke: throwing eggs and yelling at 3am
(3:09:30 PM) Luke: "seeeeeeex taaaaaaaaaape!"
(3:09:35 PM) Luke: "raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"
(3:09:42 PM) Luke: it's laughable
(3:10:09 PM) Luke: but hey, lauren, you certainly set up the plot for season 3 so, kudos on that avenue
(3:13:32 PM) Ando: wow, just read that
(3:13:34 PM) Ando: i'm LAUGHING

The Bachelor Diaries, Episode 8

It's time for "The Women Tell All" on The Bachelor. There's really nothing I can predict about this show other than a strong dose of the Harrison. This week on The Bachelor, it's the most Chris Harrison ever ... plus cat claws! Bonus!

• Be ready. The Chad will be involved.
• 3 of the ladies either didn't know where the camera was or chose not to look at it during their intro. Weird.
  
• Hillary just jumps straight to crazy. "I think he's hotter than David Beckham!" C'mon, Hillary. What's next? Weeping uncontrollably for no reason on a good first date? Oh wait.
  
• Holy crap. Bettina's like a used car? Brad has to kick the tires to see if she still works? Hillary (the original "cat claws" girl) has some damn sharp claws herself.
  
• I just realized that this episode and the last one will unquestionably go down as my two least manly blog entries ever. I've said "cat claws" twice already.
• McCarten has some weird rhythm when she talks. "I think that we were more maybe the FORWARD people and the MATURE people because we were able to CONFRONT people to their FACES ..." You can just feel her head nod as she talks.
• Okay, I give up. What exactly is McCarten's deal?! I really only remember her smushy face, but now I hate her immediately.
• Wow, ok, two, wait, three things:
• Hillary does the eye roll / smile / shrug / "oh no I'm in trouble now [wink wink]" waaaaaaay too f'ing much.
• Hillary and Chris executed the most uncomfortable handshake / one arm hug in the history of the world.
• And, Chris, WTF? "One of the most emotional exits we've ever had?" What the hell is up with the back slide? It is THE most emotional exit ever and I will hear nothing less.
• Thanks for the flashback, ABC. The vein, the tears and the giant gonzagas are all back. And so is the sunburn during the most emotional exit ever.
• Tell me you saw the one guy in the whole audience half-clapping as they came back from the flashback! Epic.
• I really didn't think I'd have this much to say about this episode, but here we go:
• Chris' question to Hillary: "What was going through your mind when you didn't get the rose?" That's it? That's what you're curious about? The 10 minutes of uncontrollable crying and hyper-ventilating left you questioning how she felt?
• And as if that wasn't retarded enough, Hillary straight faced answers with the biggest understatement in Bachelor history: "I was upset."
• Just a thrilling dialogue we have going here. I probably shouldn't have expected less considering the handshake-hug.
• Dammit, Chris! "One of the most emotional break downs we've seen?" No! THE most! THE!
• More ground breaking questions for Hillary: "What hurt the most?"  Just a guess here, Chris, but I think it was getting the boot and then having the most emotional exit in Bachelor history.  But good question.
• Can we give Hillary her own TV station like on that movie EDTV? I would watch. I really can't imagine what this basket case's day to day is like.
• What the crap was the music they played as Bettina walked to the hot seat?
• The jump-cut to Bettina's dad in the flashback was AWESOME! I would scream if I woke up and saw that guy staring at me in my bedroom. Or anywhere for that matter.
• Hey, Chris. When you're interviewing someone, it helps to ask questions. "That's gotta be extra tough to watch now" is not a question. F'ing Harrison.
• Sheena says she would have been happy with a date where she was sitting on a towel in a parking lot? Is this a colloquialism that I don't know about? I get what she's trying to say, but towel? Parking lot? What?
• They really need to stop asking Hillary to chime in. She's proven herself to be totally insane. We have nothing to learn from her.
• Did Chris say "jumping at the bit?" Why am I so annoyed? I know I shouldn't be expecting f'ing Frontline here, but dang. (It's chomping at the bit which is why I'm annoyed by the way.)
• Sheena's dress on the first night was horrible. I think it had streamers on it.
• Sheena is a quote machine. "I jumped down the rabbit hole if you will." I think one of her sentences was nothing more than "Gowns, my goodness." I know exactly what you mean, Sheena.
• The Chad can't fool 'em twice! Ya went to the well one too many times, ABC! You tricksters, you.
• I'll say it again. How did they not all recognize the Chad as the Chad? His snaggle tooth jumps off the damn screen.
  
• Thanks for cutting to Hillary's beaming smiling face as Big Swayze comes in. We're one step closer to her own TV station.
• "Two Face" goes with no horrible super dark red lipstick tonight. Good move.
  
• The random cuts to groups of girls in the crowd laughing at Hillary. Priceless. "She didn't know she was in the friend zone! She so crazy! Oh tee hee hee hee hee."
  
• I could have done without Brad's shower scene.
• Harrison for some reason has zero problem just ripping into Hillary.  He's dropped the "friend zone" using sky writing joke, the "Brad has a 'Just Friends'" tattoo joke and the sarcastic "are you sure you don't want to change your mind, Brad" after the replay of Hillary's "ravage" quote.  Dude is ice cold!
• Ladies, if you want to nominate me for The Bachelor, just FYI, the number is 866 739 3150. No! I kid! I kid! And even if I did get chosen, how would I blog my own episodes? I just don't think it would flow. It's the content of the blog I'm really worried about. Call if you want, though. But don't. Or do. Whatever.
• How appropriate. The flashback shows Jenni's first move as she stepped out of the limo. It starts with an "h" and ends with an "a" and has a "a h" in the middle.
• Newnan's first move as she steps out of the limo still makes me cringe with awkwardness. No one likes to pretend like you speaking Latin is interesting.
  
• The booted ladies are at a dead split on who Brad will pick. I'll go with Newnan for no good reason.
  

See you next week where we'll see who has the last laugh. Get it? Cuz you know Jenni laughs a lot so ... it'll be weird if she loses cuz then she can't laugh ... cuz she'll be sad. But then Newnan will probably laugh which will be a total turn of the tables. Anyway, I know one of 'em is gonna laugh ... last. Ok, I'm done.

2 things we can do without considering it's 2007

Item 1: "Tell so-and-so I say hi."

You know what I'm talking about. You're talking to someone. That person says "tell so-and-so I say hi" where so-and-so is some person that you both know. Let me immediately say that I understand that the sentiment behind "tell so-and-so I say hi" is kind at its core. The person is trying to reach out to so-and-so. And that's nice.

With that said, here are my problems with "tell so-and-so I say hi."

1. It's really not that nice if you think about it. If this person really wanted to reach out to so-and-so, this person would contact so-and-so personally. Instead, this person is basically pawning off a chore on you because they probably really don't care to talk to so-and-so.
   
2. It's 2007! It's not like you're passing a "hi" to so-and-so through The Pony Express because there is physically no way for you to get in touch with so-and-so. It's 2007! MySpace. Facebook. Instant Messaging. Texting. Email. Cell phones. The f'ing postal service. These are all options.

All I'm trying to say here is ... if you really want to say "hi", go ahead and say "hi" yourself. I'm sure you've got the means.

Item 2: Hanging up after the beep

You ever check your voicemail and all you get is 1 second of dead air and then a click? This basically means that someone called you, listened to your outgoing message, heard the beep AND THEN chose to hang up. Here are my messages to those who still hang up immediately after the beep:

1. It's 2007! Everyone has caller ID. I know that you called before the voicemail even picked up. If you're just going to hang up after the beep, then go ahead and spare me the process of listening to the click and then deleting the empty message.
2. It's 2007! It's voicemail. It's digital. There is not a cassette recorder sitting on a counter in my kitchen recording your message. Your click is being recorded by a computer in a warehouse somewhere. Even if I wanted to, I am not able to screen your call and listen as you leave your message and then maybe pick up. My chances of answering your call went out the window the moment the voicemail kicked in.
3. It's 2007! Do you possibly not know how voicemail works? Did the beep take you by surprise and then you panicked and frantically hung up?

Keep these things in mind the next time you call someone and feel free to either 1) hang up before the beep or 2) leave a message and say hey.

The Bachelor Diaries, Episode 7

Okay, 45-minute Bachelor, let's go. I'd like to start by thanking all the kids in my neighborhood (if there are any) for NOT coming by my house and hence leaving all these mini-boxes of Nerds for me and Dave. ANYWAYS, overnight dates, bring it on.

• For starters, "Hell yes you zoom in on and apply focus to Bettina's little bottom in a bikini!" That is a bottom to be zoomed in on.
  
• Jenni doesn't want to look like a "weirdo" or a "weenie" or a "whacko" or a "wombat" while swimming with dolphins. She only actually said 2 of those things.
  
• Dude, that dolphin is into Jenni. And just like a normal date, Jenni wasn't comfortable until she danced with her suitor. Except in this case her suitor was a dolphin. The fact that it's a dolphin didn't do anything for her? What a weirdo.
• Jenni and Brad "have an understanding" that they're both very attracted to each other. How did that conversation go? "I'm very attracted to you." "Same." "Done."
  
• While we have a minute ... Jenni really made the team. Nice research, Ando. Here are some items worth noting:
• Her niece is named Rylee Jo. How did Jenni ever make it out of Wichita?
• She likes to watch Laguna Beach. How's life in 2005, Jenn?
• "I think the reality TV show I would be best on is Survivor! I am a pretty tough woman!" Huh? She seems to be doing pretty damn well on another reality show I've seen.
• "In one word, my friends would describe me as..." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Okay, she actually said "energetic". I think my answer is more accurate.
  
• Seriously! Bettina on the boat!? Did she have 3 square meals of crunches every day since the at-home date?
• The real Swayze would never wear that green shirt.
• "I'm pretty sure you have something special in your pocket," she says! Is this girl going all the way on the overnight date or what?
• The innuendo is out of control right now. "We just continuously ... grow together and it feels good," he says.
• As Brad shuts the door on Camera 2, let's ask the ladies a hypothetical here. Let's say you're Jenni. And let's say Brad discreetly looks into the camera and does something to the effect of an "Oh yeah!" just before shutting the door. And then let's say Brad asks you to marry him. Weeks later, as you're watching the show back with Brad's ring on your finger, what's your reaction to Brad's boasting?
  
• As we go to commercial, he's gonna seal the deal with all 3 ladies, right? He's giving Bachelor Bob a bit of a run (who allegedly sealed 6 deals. 6!).
• Bettina's adventurous and loves the water? A lot like the dolphins from the first date.
• As the boat captain's accent is presented, I have to ask myself, where exactly is Cabo San Lucas?
• What is up with the extreme close up on Brad's shoulder? Bettina's in a bikini here! You're fired, Camera 3!
• As Bettina reads the fantasy suite card, I guess I have to give props to Jenni for doing what Brad never will: admitting that the show is formatted and everyone knows what's coming next. That was pretty awesome, Bettina.
• Close up of Bettina's bottom yet again, some seemingly bad kissing aaaaaaand Brad seals the deal again. BIG SWAYZE!
• Props to DeAnna for, ya know, eating. Food. I still don't know how I feel about her personality, but she is a super cutie.
• Is this what actual romantic dates are like? If so, I've never been on one.
  
• Brad: "I don't meet people like you very much."
• Newnan: "I don't meet people like you very much." (Note: burn! Had to be said.)
• Brad: "... ... Hmm ..."
• Newnan: "I knew from the second I got here. I knew. I just knew."
• Luke: "What!? What did you know!? Seriously tell me. That dune buggy racing was awesome? That you're both horrible trash talkers? That you're normal and eat more often than you work out unlike your competitors?" (For the record, I really do think that's a good thing and I seriously think Newnan is the most attractive remaining chica.)
  
• On second thought, I guess Brad's mmhmm's and the Spanish guitarrrrrr are starting to do it for me.
• How much time do you think Chris Harrison puts into "writing" his "notes" for the "fantasy" "suite"? I'm guessing at least "fifteen" "minutes".
• I couldn't contain a sigh after this nugget from the Big Swayzz: "... all those things that make a relationship be what it is." Is there any wonder why this girl is gonna bone all 3 of these girls? He's like f'ing Casanova this guy!
• "In my stomach, in my gut, deep down in my innards and my large intestine, it just feels right," says Newnan. Actually, she only used 2 of those references to her tummy.
• Swayze is ruling! He just used the word tumultuous and then he said "Someone is going to walk away with ... a broken heart and for me to be the cause of that, it just breaks my heart." Well at least you'll have that in common during the goodbye, Brad.
• Backless dress Jenni gets a rose and smells it way too much as usual.
• Chris Harrison is MIA for the whole episode. Frowny face.
• No big surprise, "cute bottom" gets booted beachside by Brad. Alliteration for the win!
• I also enjoyed that Brad threw in a "you look amazing" after giving Newnan the final rose.
• Also, what is this kinda cool song playing as Brad and Bottom head for the bench?
• And then they cue the other song I like. It's like my favorite Bachelor playlist.
• F-bomb from Bettina! This girl is really laying it down late in the game and I'm liking it. She seems to have about as good of an outlook as one could have in her shoes. How long do you think they drove her around before giving up on her balling her eyes out? I'm guessing at least an hour.
• If you're the Bachelor, is the toast when it's down to two girls literally the most awkward moment ever? I'd say the dude actually did pretty well ... and that's with him saying "Thank you for giving me your hearts. I appreciate it." He appreciates it, ladies, so, ya know, try not to kick each other in the crotch and instead toast with the girl that has a 50/50 shot of stealing away your potential husband. Cheers!
  

"The women tell all" has all signs of being epic. Also, Brad seems to wear another ugly suit for the proposal. And finally, Brad gets his head bob on during the post-credit segment. There are no words.

Until next time, y'all.

The Bachelor Diaries, Episode 6

Home town dates on The Bachelor with Big Swayze. The preview suggests a full on demise for Sheena and Bettina thanks to the fam-damily. "The little hand says it's time to rock 'n' roll." (Likely the first of many 'Point Break' quotes. You've been warned.)

• Jenni from Phoenix is really from Wichita.
• "Thanks for inviting me here," says Brad. Dude, enough with pretending like the show isn't formatted.
  
• Ho. Leecrap. Jenni is too much. "I have something funny for you." [Classic over laugh at absolutely f'ing nothing.] She's making me make this face.
  
• So they're eating at the salon because Jenni's mom's house is too small? Apparently eating at an f'ing salon is more comfortable than eating at a small home.
  
• Grandma Betty. Did the producers plant her? And is Jenni the apple that fell really far from the tree in a good way? She doesn't live in Wichita, she doesn't work at a salon and she doesn't look like her family at all. Am I wrong if I think these are all good differences?
  
• There's a couch and an outdoor patio at this salon? I'm so confused.
• Sheena lives here where they've got tract housing and a tram of some kind. And that's about it outside of the tradition of being made to feel at home via a good ol' fashioned tube ride! Walnut Creek is crazy times!
  
• Kudos to Ando for finding this piece of Sheena's past.
• Here comes the "Sheena's mom is crazy" montage. Tell me she's at least a little drunk.
  She's got me making this face.
• As could be easily seen in the preview, Sheena is dunzo. Not even a kiss in the jacuzzi. "Adios, amigo!"
• Ah, DeAnna Popolopodopopoulous Newnan, welcome to Georgia/Rome depending on how you feel that day.
• Worth noting: Brad says "off-ten", not "off-en" when he says "often". This is how boring the Newnan family stuff is.
• New Bachelor tactic as far as I know: Newnan holds a good 70% of her photo album photos hostage until Brad marries her. I appreciate the effort, Newnan. I really do.
  
• I think DeAnna just said "Ya Ya" and "Poo Poo" referring to her grandparents. Oh wait, it's "Pa Poo". Let's party, indeed, Pa Poo.
• Here we go, Bettina's crazy dad is gonna liven up this episode which I'm pretty sure has been 70% lame, 20% weird and 10% crazy (thanks, Sheena's mom).
  
• Dad's haircut puts him one step away from emo, right?
• Palpable: adjective | able to be touched or felt. Holy crap, this is brutal. Here are some of the choice quotes:
• "That's a great disappointment. [Maniacal laughter]" -Dad
• "Do I like the idea of my step-daughter being hooked up with a guy that runs a bunch of bars? No." -Step Mom
• "Her first husband was a wonderful wonderful man and she'll never find anybody better. Love is blind." -Dad (Side note: huh? First husband being great relates to love being blind how?)
• "You cannot screw around with people's hearts." -Step Mom
• "If you want the ultimate, you've got to be willing to pay the ultimate price. It's not tragic to die doing what you love." -Bodhi from Point Break (Just making sure you're still paying attention.)
  
• When the dog barked, I really thought one of the moms had tourettes.
  
• Can we address this bar owner thing? What is the problem here? He started, owns and runs 4 bars. 4! Not 1 or 2 or 3. Are they worried that people are gonna up and stop drinking in f'ing Austin, Texas? The money is gonna be coming in for a long time. Do they morally object to the sale of alcohol? Relax, Jeez.
  
• Sheena is just as done as Kristy from the last episode. Maybe more so.
• Seriously! Brad's suit is horrible! You cannot convince me otherwise.
  
• I just yelled out loud. He chooses Bettina over Sheena. I guess he went with general dislike and disapproval over totally crazy as far as parents are concerned.
• Sheena, here's the thing. I see you crying, but I really don't think you liked him. I think the show made you like him. You'll be fine. After all, you're "the one".

Overnight dates next week. I'm putting the over/under on Brad sealing the deal at 1.5. I think a dude who runs 4 bars knows how to close. Get it!? Close? It's a play on words. Ooooo kay.

So I found an iPhone

Dave and I return home from "30 Days of Night" and pull into Dave's parking spot in our condo complex. I open my door and find an 8GB iPhone laying face down in the adjacent parking spot.

So after I decide not to keep the phone, unlock it and sell it on eBay, I ring the doorbells of the 3 nearest condos. No answer. I then start calling the people on the recent calls list. The first dude asks me if I go to Tufts University and then eventually we figure out the phone belongs to Doug and he's vacationing in Tucson. The next guy on the recent calls list is actually with Doug and lives in the condo across from mine. He says Doug will come by soon to get the phone.

The doorbell rings 20 minutes later.

Me: "Hey, dude" as I hand him the phone.
Dude: "Thanks a lot, man" as he takes the phone and leaves.

I close the door and turn to Dave: "I hope that was Doug."

Tidbits

Some random thoughts/discoveries from today.

One
I think one of the most difficult tasks in the world is trying to look cool while sitting in the bed of a truck alone when all your friends are sitting up front in the cab.

Two
I just discovered that my high school's theme song is the theme song from the TV show "High Chaparral". The ironic thing is that I didn't learn this til today even though I went to Chaparral High School and even knew the name of our fight song was High Chaparral.

Enjoy:


Three
I've uncovered the iPhone killer: http://www.jitterbug.com/. This is a cell phone specifically built to have no features. None! One of the phones only has three buttons: "Operator", "Tow" and "911". Hell my iPhone doesn't even have those buttons! It's marketed almost exclusively to old people (as far as I can tell). This may be the most genius product I've ever known - both in terms of its intended use and its marketing.

Four
If you're flying Southwest, I really don't understand what kind of great seat you think you're getting by being the first person in line for the "C" boarding group. You don't need to stand there staring intently at the jetway as soon as they announce pre-boarding. Just hang back and relax and know you're getting a middle seat somewhere.

Five
I don't like it when people use the term "at least" combined with some sort of range. E.g. "That's going to take me at least 6 to 10 weeks." Just say "That's going to take me at least 6 weeks" or "That's going to take me 6 to 10 weeks". I'm just talking efficiency here, people.

Six
Am I the only one that's noticed that the "UPS Whiteboard" commercials feature a song by a band called "The Postal Service"? Probably. I have some new ideas along those lines:

• A Wii commercial featuring The Ataris.
• A McDonald's commercial featuring The Subways.
  
• A light bulb commercial featuring The Darkness.
  
• A commercial about democracy featuring the Kings of Leon. (Democracy, Monarchy, get it?).
• A library commercial featuring the Shout Out Louds.
  
• A DMV commercial featuring the Kings of Convenience.

OK, I'm done.

The Bachelor Diaries, Episode 5

It feels like it's been a long time since last week. (Yawp.) Why is that? (Yawp.) OMG I forgot this is the f'ing Hillary freak out week (Yawp.) Let's do this. (Yawp.)

• Bettina scores the one on one date. These girls hide nothing with their faces. At all.
• Brad says Bettina's smart? Present your case, Brad, cuz I don't see it.
• "Just this time with you is just. It's like .... whew." So smart, that Bettina.
• For the record, wine drinker: Sheena. Beer drinker: Hillary.
• Are people able to have real conversations with that gondola dude rowing the boat right behind you? Assuming of course that the camera man and team of producers doesn't disrupt anything.
• Allow me to insert my own hyperbole regarding the pool party. It's the bikini-est pool party in Bachelor history. It's the slippiest and slidiest pool party ever!
• I have a DVR, I'm sure this is what was said by Hillary during her bleep fest: "... take my clothes off. And like bend me over ... [blurred mouth] ... take me from behind. And like slap my ass a couple times ... [something that I'm sure is really dirty that I can't make out] and then call it a day."
• Thank you, Bachelor, for letting us know that Hillary loses it in 40 minutes. Makes everything Brad says to her right now that much more awesome.
• Brad: "I wonder if it's too good of friends."
• Hillary: "I can see in his eyes that there's a chemistry there."
• Awesome.
• More awesome: Hillary waving insanely as Brad checks for the kiss clearance with DeAnna Poppapotopolinopolis. He goes for the elbow to elbow touch instead. Worthy substitute if you ask me. Newnan!
  
• OK, Kristy is definitely the other to go, right? I'd give 2 to 1 odds.
• Ugh. Baby talk from Sheena. Gross.
• Is Brad's shirt with the crazy upper back design cool?
• I just realized who Brad looks like and I'm pissed. Click for some screen shots from my favorite movie ever: 1 - 2 - 3. Now if I can just get Brad to say "I'm not gonna paddle to New Zealand!"
  
• Well played on the fall, Sheena. Nothing more you can do there.
• This really might be the best episode ever. Straight out of Chris Harrison's mouth: "It's the most shocking goodbye ever ... when Hillary loses her mind." I don't need to write anything when the show is pumping out content like this.
• The Chad likes Sheena which weighs heavily with the Brad. The Chad [Fast forward to the 0:59 mark].
• I think Brad and Sheena's date might have been the most boring, surprise-filled date ever.
• How ironic, Jenni plays the "not here for the right reasons" card on Bettina. How the tables have turned.
  
• I think Bettina just killed a fairy with the daggers her eyes threw at Sheena's earrings she got from Brad.
  
• No. No no. No poems. Moles on your arm? Oh no. It's still going. It ended with "fun." Brad's keeping it. Maybe Sheena learned something from Ryan (of Ryan and Tristan fame). Sheena's the new dark horse maybe.
  
• Jenni? Rachel Ray? Same person?
• I think "just" might be the "amazing" of this season. We'll see about keeping a count next ep.
• Prepare for mind loss. Oh it's horrible.
• "You follow me?" No, Brad, she doesn't. Let's transcribe what you just said. "I have to say that I absolutely love the fact that I am such a good friend and that I don't get so ner -- You know what I mean? I feel so comfortable. So, um, we have had just something a little different. And and that's -- again, I am shooting straight with you and that's what's so confusing about this whole entire process." No one follows you.
  
• From Hillary: "I get butterflies in my stomach." "You could also be a great husband to me." "You make me so happy." She's really following you, Brad.
  
• Brace yourselves: "I hope [this dress] reminds him of a wedding dress and how pretty I'll look in a wedding dress." -Hillary just before her mind explodes
  
• Side note: Hill's cleave really got burned at that pool party.
• How great would it be if Chris just gave Kristy the boot before Brad came down. Is there any doubt at all? Kristy may be the most sure fire boot ever.
• Snapple. Here it comes. He's going to say "Bettina". Just run, Hillary. Run!
• I really don't empathize with our bachelor here. Nervous Brad is a snapper. [Snap - snap - snap]
• Basically Hillary got a big dose of the friend zone. And I remember a crazier departure. At least she didn't need the paramedics.
• I'm sure your dad's still proud of you, Hillary. No matter how crazy you are.
  

Next week, the families are priceless as usual. Shots in Georgia and judgment in DC. I think it's Jenni and DeAnna, final two for sure.

The Bachelor Diaries, Episode 4

After a 13 hour day in the car driving back from Aspen and as the D-Backs seem to be on the verge of getting swept, I dive in ... to episode 4 of The Bachelor.

• Sheena wonders if the "element of the competition" is what's driving Jenni. I like thinking of all the producers and casting directors laughing their asses off as they watch.
  
• Stephy, you look a billion times better without make up. Keep it off.
  
• Whoever had 9:05 minutes on the "Hillary's forehead vein" pool wins.
  
• "Look at the architecture" says Brad about downtown LA. Is this guy cultured or what!?
• Tube top pull up count for Jenni's date: 2. Look, I'm not complaining, I'm just saying.
  
• Cat claws alert! Apparently it's DeAnna and McCarten against everyone else. They're capital-ists. Get it? They only like girls with more than one capital letter in their name! Dumb joke the first time last week? Okay.
• Ok, on second thought, you go, Jade! I legitimately totally agree. Also DeAnna's accent clearly comes and goes when the situation best suits her.
  
• Back to Jenni and Brad, the best roof top couch top make out session ever! For the record, that's a Luke original.
  
• Most pressure filled date ever! Seriously. Improv comedy? Just cruel.
  
• Hillary looks f'ing great without make up too. Maybe I have some sort of make up complex.
• Ok, Jade and DeAnna actually do their own one-up routine a la SNL. "Um, I started working when I was 14 annnnd I've won The Bachelor 3 times already annnnd I invented outer space soooo ..."
• Yep count during the 2-on-1: 7. Seven! And a "right" and a "mm-hmmm" thrown in there for good measure. Variety is the spice, am I right, Brad!?
• Did Jade and Jenni take some sort of flirting class? They both have mastered the following moves.
• The super smile and eyebrow raise to cap off the over laugh.
• The bury your head in his shoulder.
• And the grab onto his arm like it's the pole at the fire station.
• Bettina drops the divorce bomb on the girls at the house. It literally takes the girls 5 seconds to translate "I was married to him" as meaning "Bettina's divorced."
  
• Jade, I'm sorry. I think your poofy messy hair thing was really working tonight. Wait. Is that what I mean?
  
• When a dude totally disses you and then as you're saying goodbye, he says this is one of the most uncomfortable moments of his life, is that really a pick-me-up?
• I've thought this for years and I'll say it now. I think the moody guitar song they play when girls get the boot really kinda plays.
• It is cleave friggin central at the cocktail party tonight.
• DeAnna is suddenly gold!
  
• 1st, she lives a town called Newnan!? Consider her nickname locked in. Nnnnnnnnewnan!
• 2nd, her little head swivel thing when she talks shit during the confessional is awesome! 3 snaps in Z formation, Newnan.
• Kristy's voice is horrendous. I did a lot of good deeds this week to counter act the horrible things I say here.
  
• Bettina chimes in with the super obvious again: "Jenni treats this whole thing like it's a competition." It seems like you see the dots, Bettina. And you see the numbers on said dots. Just put 'em together, dude. Oh you can't, can you? Cuz you're blinded by the rock solid format of this show. I love The Bachelor.
  
• OMG! First kiss = sluttiest in the house?! This show is fanTASTIC! I wish I could be there to just go ape shit with the casting directors as Bettina goes off. I guarantee it rivals a Superbowl champion's locker room. I hope they have a bonus built in for each use of the word "slut".
• Aaah! She's back. Bad lighting girl.
• Sheena has made that face twice tonight. I think she's supposed to make it seem like she's exhaling and saying "whew", but uh, it doesn't look like that. It looks like she's momentarily in need of some Immodium. That was the non-grossest way I could figure out how to say that.
• Stephy's current MySpace quote: "Chip at my wall, fellas." So long, Stephy. Stay out of the light ... or in it. And bye to McCarten as well.
  

Next week, against all odds, Hillary's cleavage gets even bigger! And WTF? They TELL us that Hillary leaves the show as part of the most "emotional moment in Bachelor history?" Shhhhhh. You had me at "slut", Bachelor. You had me at "slut". (Hi, Cam Crowe. "You had me at _____" jokes will never die, it seems. Are you proud or pissed?)

The Bachelor Diaries, Episode 3

We're back after the Yankees fall and Dallas wins one of the craziest games EVER. Take that, Chris Harrison.

• "This week on The Bachelor" ... Don't forget, everyone, sexiest bachelor ever! It's your world, Chris.
• Amazingly we're only in store for the most shocking party in bachelor history. Apparently even ABC has to admit that the history of the world has produced more shocking parties than a party featuring not one, but TWO twins! TWO! This is crazy times!
  
• Lindsey says she has to "step SOMEthing up" during the circus group date. Is she talking more on the lines of personality or ... skirt?
  
• I remember the first time I got to interact with an elephant. I said the same thing about the elephant as Sarah did. "Is she really outgoing?" Yes, Sarah, she's also very didactic and quixotic.
  
• Easy, over-laugher Jenni. Let's worry about dating long distance after Womack cuts 11 more girls.
• Brad's twin looks nothing like him. It needs to be said.
• "Yep" count during Brad's talk with McCarten: 4. And yep, it really was that awkward.
• Lindsey's Michigan accent is getting to me. "Graybbed." "Bayck."
• Hillary's loner jewelry: $1 Million. Watching Jade, Sheena and DeAnna react to Hillary's open flirting: priceless.
• Oh my. Hillary's eye twitch. Oh. The forehead vein, the tears and the red face are nice too. I'm going to Hell, right? Okay.
• Little regional dialect for everyone. East coast: Jimmies. West coast: sprinkles. Somehow I already knew this. More evidence of the useless info my brain holds onto.
• "Yep" count during Brad's talk with Cristy: 2.
• Ugh. Solisa. Just ugh. Apparently shaking her butt really fast is the only thing she knows how to do. Just ugh.
• Oh snap, cat fight! McCarten and DeAnna are 1) straight up witches, 2) catty and 3) have their cat claws out. They also both have 2 capital letters in their first names with no spaces.
• Wow, we actually do have a first in Bachelor history. What happens at the rose ceremony after you're busted by the Coast Guard? We'll see if Sheena makes it.
• Bettina's bomb drop "shocks" Brad. See, ABC? That really is shocking. Twin switch ... not so much. I think they mean most conniving cocktail party ever. Or tricky. Or schemey.
• Wait! ABC did some research. Turns out this is the most shocking party ever after all.
• Look, it's entirely possible I have no sense of style. With that said, another horrible tie Brad/Brad's twin.
• "Chad, I have a favor to ask. I see that you've styled your hair and grown your beard just like me and that you've flown out to LA from Texas and we're on camera and you're wearing the exact same f'ing suit, shirt and tie as me. Now that I've noticed that, I just had an idea that the producers did not plan out ahead of time. What if you go into this party and act like you're me?!" Honestly, ABC, just do your bit.
• Let's say it. Brad and ... Chad? C'mon, Womack parents.
• OK, I realize I make fun of what people say a lot and they're under pressure and on camera and not exactly themselves, but check this out. Just before Chad, Brad's twin brother, is about to go into a party and pretend like he's Brad. Brad says this to Chad: "I think if anybody can do it, you can." He actually said that shit!
• They actually don't know it's him. Maybe this is the most shocking party ever. I honestly have no idea what this means.
• Holy crap, Sheena. Thank you. I'd be freaked out and maybe crying a little bit too if I just hugged a complete stranger.
• OMG! Sarah doesn't realize it's Chad and effectively says "It's not you. It's me."
• Stephy with make up on and Stephy with make up off reminds me of "bad lighting girl" from Seinfeld.
• Woah! McCarten's decision room photo is horrible. Ticket. Hell. Me. Yes. One way.
• Contrast and compare.
  
• Jenni. Wow. Cocktail dress.
• It's official. Brad digs dangerous chicks wanted by the Coast Guard. Almost dying on a wave runner really paid off, Sheena.
• Aaaaaand Bettina's chin is almost enveloped by her neck when she gets the final rose.
• So long, Solisa. Your special parts will not be missed.
  

Next week: Love in a helicopter! Living it up when we're going doooown. Aerosmith? No? Okay. You're right.

What the hell?

Which Up is ganking my biz!

The Bachelor Diaries, Episode 2

I'm back. Let me start by punching my man card and saying I watched The Bachelor on delay because I was watching a crazy 13th inning in play-in game between the Rockies and the Padres. Wow. Okay, onto more manly things like watching 15 chicks try to date 1 dude.

• This week on The Bachelor, the "sexist date ever!" Yep, this date is one notch sexier than the previous sexiest date ever that we saw on last season's Bachelor. Think of how sexy the last sexiest date ever was. And then add more sexy to that.
  
• And it looks like we're in for our first (I get the feeling there may be many this season) visit from the paramedics. A chick passing out on The Bachelor is clockwork these days. Like watching Kanye freak the f out after every single VMAs.
  
• Am I the only one that misses the Officer and a Gentleman song? ... On a mountain high! Where the eagles fly! Good times.
• "Join me for a day at the races. -Brad" gets a giant "Awwww" from these girls? Love me some low expectations. Here's my pitch if I ever ask these girls out via written letter: "Meet me at Taco Bell. Whatever."
• Ok. Chick falls down the stairs and Sheena goes running out the front door screaming for help? I'm sorry, but is she Amish? Pick up the phone and call for help, girl.
• Wait. McCarten spots a football player in the neighboring luxury box? A linebacker? NOT in uniform? Let's say it: UPgrade.
• Allow me to continue to make light of a serious situation ... phone rings, Brad answers "This is Brad." Worst fake laughter ever from all the girls. If that's what these girls are laughing at, I think it's fair to assume that Brad is entirely NOT funny.
  
• Spoke too soon on McCarten. McCarten hears about Michelle taking a spill and her first thought is "How did she get Brad's number?" Look out, McCarten! Michelle is some kind of scary stalker girl! No way she got that number from one of the producers.
• DeAnna Popalotopapolos the Greek Southern girl continues to be the front runner. She is crazy cute.
  
• I'm with Hillary. How DARE you girls put on your bikinis in front of the injured Michelle? You should do the polite thing and lock yourselves in your rooms with paper bags over your heads.
• One girl's pose on the beach reminds me of this (not exactly office friendly).
• This is why The Bachelor is so much better than The Bachelorette. The "day at the races" girls are at home and have deemed themselves the classy girls where as the girls on the beach date "have good bodies" and are "fake". If this were The Bachelorette, the dudes would be at home doing keg stands, getting hammered and making lifelong friends. Where's the fun in that? We want to see insta-cliques and girl on girl hate based on the luck of the draw.
  
• Ando's right about Jenni. Her pre-kiss laugh about nothing was too much.
  
• Solisa certainly has morals, but what she has more of is cliches. "Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do so we'll see what happens." Girl is deep. I wonder if she could spell "esthetician" on the spot?
• No individual date? Interesting move by the producers. I usually love the one-against-all/all-against-one mentality the individual date creates. The producers are getting soft.
• My roommate Dave's idea for Bettina's confession ... probably would have been better if she started with a jaw-dropping lie and then downgraded to the less shocking real thing. For example, "I have to tell you something ... I'm a dude. [beat] Just kidding just kidding, I'm divorced. Not a dude, just divorced. Cool? Cool."
  
• Ok, look, I'm anything but an Adonis and if I was on this show, I'd be getting ripped to shreds and I'd deserve it too. But I'm not on this show and Mallory is. She's a butterface.
• Wait, did she just say "tatas"?
  
• Also, is Brad's tie horrible?
• Also, Solisa, put them away. We get it. You have giant morals.
• What is going wrong with this show? They just previewed the rose ceremony with absolutely no hyperbole. Without being told exactly how dramatic this rose ceremony is, I have no idea what to expect. And I don't like that.
• I'm starting to sour on Hillary. She's proven to be a real trash talker which I suppose is appropriate considering she's from Philly. I could picture her flinging batteries at the NY Giants football players.
• "Ladies, Brad, this is the final rose tonight. When you're ready ..." And just like that Chris is RIGHT back on his game. I never lost faith, Chris. Never.
• Next week, "the most shocking cocktail party ever" in which Brad and his bro pull the twin switch. I'm going to assume they mean in the history of the show and not the world cuz those twins that pulled the switcharoo in Richard Pryor's Moving ... I mean, that was shocking shit right there.

Looking forward to The Bachelor, Episode 3: Shock and Awe (With Twins).

The Bachelor Diaries

Look. I'm a dude. I find the tv show "The Bachelor" to be ridiculously entertaining. There it is.

Here's my running diary of episode 1.

• Amazing count - 1. Let's get it started right.
• Amazing count - 2. Both have been by Chris.
• New word emerges as something worth counting: genuine. Two genuines were just dropped in 30 seconds.
• Apparently, this bachelor is the man "everyone is calling the sexiest bachelor ever" according to Chris. Everyone, Chris?
• "They told me you were hot, but I didn't know you were a fire extinguisher." You wanna take that one again, Jessica from Florida?
• "I'm from the windy city so I have to blow you a kiss," says the girl. "Let's hear it," says Brad. It's his first day.
  
• Irish (apparently) girl named McCarten. First name. McCarten. Wow.
• I like Hillary from Philly. There.
• DeAnna, the Greek Georgian with the Southern accent wins the award for being the most confusing in terms of origins.
• The acupuncturist girl sounds the most like Cher. How can we get her to say "if I could turn back towwwwm?"
• Oh no. Oh please no. Stop singing, Lindsey the model.
• During the booty shaking montage and the "where's my boob" segment, one girl's strategy of "not crying" and "not drinking" suddenly seems absolutely friggin' brilliant. We're in full train wreck mode on some of these chicks.
• Morgan is hoping that her "signature move" and webbed freaking toes will get her the first impression rose. The signature move is doing the double fingered "I'm pointing at your two eyes" gesture. There are no words.
• Looks like someone coached Brad on amazing. I don't think he's dropped one and we're almost done with the rose ceremony. This is the kind of homework I like to see from reality contestants.
• How many cameras do they have covering the rose ceremony? They just got 5 or 6 shots of girls inaudibly freaking out when Mallory the get-in-my-bikini-and-go-swimming girl got a rose.
• Seriously, people, Melissa really did think "like, sweetness." I will physically fight anyone who says she did not think "like, sweetness."
  

Yes! "This season on the Bachelor" shows the environment and Brad aka Matthew McConaghey genetically spliced with McSteamy sends yet another female contestant to the hospital. This time she needs a chopper. Also Brad's twin brother tries to pull the ol' switcharoo at some point.

Sweetness.

Most likely not real, but funny

2 Revelations

2 revelations from last night:

1. Predator still rules

If you haven't watched this movie recently, you should. It was made in 1987 and Dave, Lubs, Berg and I were loving this movie last night. And not in an ironic/sarcastic way.



Plus if you're an Arrested Development fan, Carl Weathers' death in the movie is a whole new kind of funny.

2. Singing this song all night does not get old


Also if Mayer's thing above makes no sense to you ...
Click here, then click here.

First Half Of 2007 - A Musical Review

After what I think was a pretty slow start, 2007 is suddenly pretty strong music-wise. Here's my top 5 albums for the first half of 2007 in alphabetical order. (And just like last time, these are albums that were added to my library in 2007, not necessarily albums released in 2007.)

Arcade Fire - Neon Bible

This album is playable start to finish. It also features a song where the best lyric isn't even a lyric. It's just an extended "oh" type sound. Little treasure hunt for ya.

Feist - The Reminder

Chick singers. Who knew? I remember remarking to my buddy Paul only a couple months ago that I've never really even been into chick singers in general. Wrong! Along comes Feist with an unstoppable album. Way to go, Canada! Also worth noting - this is the same girl that does the vocals on "The Build Up" and "Know-How" by the Kings of Convenience. Also props to Chyla for the hook up.

K-OS - Atlantis - Hymns for Disco

This is how hip-hop should be done. Dude raps, plays a plethora of instruments and can harmonize. Great stuff from start to finish and his other 2 albums are great too. Oh yeah, guess what. Yep. Canada. And again props to Chyla for the hook up.

Kings of Leon - Because of the Times

I added this album to my library on February 16th, 2007. Total plays since then - 955. That's approximately 68 full rolls of the album. This album has four 5-star songs (I only have 73 total 5-star songs out of 13,000 tracks on my library). Is anybody listening to me!? Is the whole world taking crazy pills!? This album will own your soul.

Langhorne Slim - When The Sun's Gone Down

Props to Paul for the hook up here. Langhorne Slim is sorta like what would happen if Bizarro Caleb Followill fronted a blue grass band. As is the theme here, the whole album just plays. And good luck not enjoying 'Loretta Lee Jones'.

A Discussion About Transformers

Below is a chat I had with Ando just after seeing Transformers. I think it suffices as my official review.

(9:51:18 AM) Ando: transformers was awesome
(9:51:47 AM) Luke: awesome and horrible for me
(9:52:12 AM) Luke: there were about a billion times when i thought "michael bay is definitely directing this movie" ... which is bad
(9:52:15 AM) Luke: for me
(9:52:18 AM) Ando: i also want to join the nsa because they apparently have hot, aussie 18 year olds who can talk directly to the secretary of defesne all while decoding complex analyses working there
(9:52:24 AM) Ando: i'm with you there
(9:52:36 AM) Luke: just a mess of a film
(9:52:37 AM) Luke: a mess
(9:52:52 AM) Luke: why did the sector 7 guy need to show the mars lander tape?
(9:52:57 AM) Luke: WHY!?
(9:53:09 AM) Ando: EXCELLENT question
(9:53:10 AM) Luke: it served no purpose than to remind the audience about the teaser trailer from a year ago
(9:53:17 AM) Luke: i was like, oh yeah, that was a decent preview
(9:53:23 AM) Luke: too bad you couldn't leave it at that
(9:53:40 AM) Luke: at that point, i think we had fully established that transformers were bad
(9:53:44 AM) Luke: and dangerous
(9:54:07 AM) Ando: i also don't like shia very much. or his character anyway. dude, just calm down for A SECOND. please.
(9:54:26 AM) Luke: i can't not like shia
(9:54:41 AM) Luke: but while we're here, the criminal angle for the hottie
(9:54:44 AM) Luke: who the f cares!?
(9:54:52 AM) Ando: amen.
(9:55:21 AM) Luke: i'm supposed to believe that shia was like, oh wait, i'm no longer head over heels for this girl not that i've learned that her dad brought her along to car thefts when she was 5
(9:55:28 AM) Luke: not = now
(9:55:41 AM) Ando: tuturro's character, weird
(9:56:08 AM) Luke: yeah, the idea of calling the hottie a criminal to get under shia's skin
(9:56:19 AM) Luke: shoot me in the face, michael bay
(9:56:28 AM) Luke: the random bumble bee piss
(9:56:44 AM) Luke: you're welcome, 5 year olds, now leave before you have to watch optimus stab a transformer in the throat
(9:56:53 AM) Ando: i did like bay's little "this is gonna be better than armageddon" line.
(9:56:54 AM) Ando: lol
(9:57:23 AM) Luke: i do not understand how someone would think that movie was a nice, flowing well thought out film
(9:57:55 AM) Ando: but the transformers were awesome
(9:58:11 AM) Luke: they were so awesome
(9:58:13 AM) Ando: so, ya know, that was cool
(9:58:15 AM) Luke: fracking amazing
(9:58:27 AM) Luke: like, i never once thought "this is great cgi"
(9:58:43 AM) Luke: i was like, shit, that transformer just blew some shit up in that city
(9:59:00 AM) Luke: dammit, michael bay
(9:59:03 AM) Luke: how did you screw this up?
(9:59:16 AM) Luke: just pick one plot and go with it
(10:00:03 AM) Luke: did he really first sit down and go, ok, here are all the players we need in this movie: the transformers, the hackers, the hacker's black friend, shia, the parents, the hottie, sector 7, the sec of defense, the unnamed military group of hot dudes
(10:00:20 AM) Luke: these players are all INTEGRAL
(10:00:28 AM) Luke: the movie fails without ALL of them
(10:00:46 AM) Luke: f!
(10:00:55 AM) Ando: ok you've put way more thought into this than me
(10:00:59 AM) Ando: i'm ashamed
(10:01:04 AM) Ando: it def was a total mess of a movie
(10:01:13 AM) Luke: f'ing ... MESS!
(10:01:31 AM) Ando: i still thought my $5.50 was worth it
(10:01:49 AM) Luke: totally worth it
(10:01:52 AM) Luke: but still
(10:01:52 AM) Luke: f

Retired MySpace content

I felt like cleaning up my MySpace page. Here's all the stuff that was removed:

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Following up on "This is Our Country". Check out this excerpt from the Sports Guy's mailbag.

"I was in Toronto during the NFL playoffs and during one of the games, the "This is Our Country" commercial came on, only it wasn't fire fighters and steel workers. It featured elk (yeah the animal), people playing hockey on a pond, and finished with an image of some clip from the '80s of an Olympic player whom I could not identify donning a Team Canada jersey."

This is unbelievable. They play this commercial in other countries? The whole commercial is now flawed. Turns out this is not our country. This is actually Canada. Or whatever other countries they are airing one of the worst commercials ever.

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Behold, Kel and I's epic concert run from October, 2006.

• Monday: Phx, Matt Nathanson. (It's up to you, blondey.)
• Tuesday: Phx, Kings of Leon. (Holy Shit, right!)
• Wednesday: Irvine, CA, John Mayer.
• Thursday: SD, CA, Tristan Prettyman, Nada Surf, Guster. (Hi-Speed Soul!)
• Friday: LA, CA, same as Thursday.
• Saturday: LA, CA, The Spinto Band, Art Brut, We Are Scientists (Specifically Frederica.)
• Sunday: Phx, Dear and the Headlights.

And now for some fun facts:

• If you order one of those things at McDonald's that resembles small pancakes wrapped
  around an egg and/or a round piece of sausage, you just ordered a McGriddles, not a
  McGriddle. There is no such thing as a McGriddle.
  
• Success! I know all the words to Trapeze Swinger by Iron & Wine. All
  7 non-repeating verses. Remembering the order is still tough.
  
• Winner! Berg was deemed the loser of the CNS-uniform challenge.
• I own and actually use 4 ipods. Yes, I'm a freak.
• Have you SEEN this video!?
• I'm freaking out.
• I own "Trapped in the Closet" and it's really something that everyone should see at least once.
• I'm a two-time MBA drop-out.
• I have no clue what this is, but I laughed pretty heartily on first viewing.
• I'm totally into Tegan & Sara.
• I was on a podcast. Check it out (link).
• I love putting bags of candy in bowls.

And now for some random gibberish phrases that get laughs out of me and my friends:

• Smells brand new.
• POUND IT!
• Is it a signature soup?
• My name's Jessica. Jessica Rabbit. Laugh it up, bitch.
• n-eye-no!
• I heard she DOES come prepared!
• And it sounded really good.
• Chatter chatter chit chit here we go.
• Same shirt.
• We're comin' in hot.
• Jaguar
• Oh ... Las Vegas.
• Flirtini.
• A-whippy-boo
• BootybootybootybootyRockItLikeAWhale!
• 5-5-5-5-5-6-7-8!
• Sleeponih.

Top 5 bands I have yet to see live in concert.

• The Hives
• Arcade Fire
• Kings of Convenience
• Tenacious D
• White Stripes

Manning / Forte LockerRoom Dance
Uploaded by lmnopeek

Marketing for dogs

So I purchased these for my dog:



And here's what it says on the back:



Focus on that for a second ... Ok, now think about this. Let's say I buy a bag of Beggin' Strips and immediately empty the contents into the trash. Then I cook up some actual bacon, put it in said Beggin' Strips bag and then dole out the treats to my dog. Answer me this:

Would dogs know that it is bacon?

My Remotes

I got a new remote. The one in the middle. Hopefully I won't lose this one.

My iPhone Experience

Everybody else is blogging about this. Why not me?

So in the weeks and days leading up to the launch, I was certainly "keeping my finger on the pulse" if you will. With everything that Apple was posting along with the plethora of tech blogs, it's amazing how much you could learn about the iPhone before it was even out. And the hype generated by all this coverage was out of control. Some of the notable items:

• The dude who got in line on Monday morning for the Friday launch. Turns out he's a "chronic line sitter".
• Apple updating their site with content and videos throughout the week. I was eating these up.
  
• Guided Tour (Check out the Google Maps feature if you haven't already. It starts around the 18-minute mark.)
  
• How to activate
• How to get ready
• Pretty much every 3rd article at Digg.com was about the iPhone. Each "talk-back" featured an epic battle pitting the Apple fan boys against the haters. Those who were drooling over the phone would "digg" any and all articles onto the front page. And then all the haters would rip the phone apart with their comments. Hilarity ensued. It's hard for me to describe how entertaining this was throughout the week because anti-iPhone types just became more enraged as more iPhone articles came out.
  
• Certain tech reviewers got advanced copies of the phones and everyone flocked to their reviews.
• This crazy story popped up the day before launch. Steve Jobs "pulls an Oprah".
  

Getting the phone

So I spent all day checking various forums and websites to see what the hubbub was around Tucson. Early on, it looked like I might not even have to wait in line at all. I had it on good authority that my chosen AT&T store would have 70 iPhones. At noon, the line was 20 people so all seemed cool. I exercised some serious restraint and didn't make the move to line up til around 4:45pm. In case you didn't know, all iPhones went on sale at (and not before) 6pm local time.

I decided to just walk to the AT&T since it's really a block away. I brought my big iPod and a book. Crazy thing is that, as I was waiting to cross the one intersection I needed to cross to get the store, there was a 2-car accident. I had my back turned so I only heard the initial impact. Everyone was fine, but I actually went ahead and called the police to report the accident. Kind of a weird moment.

ANYWAY I found myself around 40th in line. People were a little nervous about getting one. Quite a few were calling around to check on lines. Eventually the AT&T guy came out and I found that I'd be getting one after a little interrogation. By that time, there was a pretty fair amount of people behind me. Enough people that some who drove up and parked chose to leave and try their luck at another store.

6pm rolled around and they allowed 8 people in the store at once. There was a police officer at the door. He was basically the bouncer. He would let one in after one came out. Slightly annoying for most of us in line were the people that actually shopped once they got into the store. Some would take time to try out the demo units and look at all the cases ... hence increasing our wait time. I got in the store around 7, went straight for the checkout line - "One 8-gig, please." The clerk asked me "do you have any questions?" I couldn't help but reply "No. I know way too much about this thing."

So I walked home and after some chores, began the unboxing and activation. I have to say that unboxing Apple products really is enjoyable in itself. See the picture below. Apple puts so much thought into everything.



I activated the phone with almost no trouble. I had to wait a little longer than expected, but it was probably only around 10 minutes. It looks like I just beat the rush because, as has been reported often, AT&T was not ready to handle so many activations at once. Anyway, I finally sync'd the thing and started to play with it.

My review falls in line with most reviews. Most of all, it's just a gorgeous device. Looking at it and watching it flow through the different menus is amazing. It is certainly lacking some things that many cell phone owners are used to, but the thing to remember is that it's an entirely software-based device. Apple will be releasing free software updates in the weeks/months to come and I'm sure they'll fill in the holes. For me, this thing meets the hype. It's easily the most amazing "gadget" I've ever seen, much less owned.

I look at it like this. It's the most gorgeous iPod Apple has created. It's a handheld MacBook with a touch screen that no one else has. Oh and you can call people with it too if you want.

The aftermath

• Looks like I should have just gone to the Apple store. It's now Sunday morning and just about every Apple store in America still has iPhones. Also, I think the "launch experience" would have been a bit more fun at an Apple store.
  
• Someone chose to spend $600 and then immediately disassemble the thing in order to see its inerds.
• 
• I found the stress tests unbelievably hard to watch, but it's quite the test to watch before you consider buying a case. Looks like you don't need one at all.
• Crazy story about a woman buying a spot in line and intending on buying thousands of iPhones.
• I think this is a very fair review.
• Finally, this is hilarious even when you know that the phone can handle a fall.
  

Roddick and who?

Most random fact you'll ever learn while watching coverage of Wimbledon:

Boyd Tinsley and Andy Roddick are good friends.

My last 5 runs

Nikeplus.com now has a cool thing that allows you to post your runs on things like blogs ... [glances down]

The thing about intervals is ...

If you've ever found yourself on a treadmill, stationary bike, stairmaster or some other type of sweat-generating device, you've probably fallen victim to something that Janeane Garofalo coined "the stair master minute". A stair master minute is any minute spent on the stair master and, according to Janeane, the stair master minute is the longest minute in the world. I figured out how to fight that.

I actually had come to terms with the stair master minute long ago. I actually kinda sorta like cardio. However, I recently started running intervals on the treadmill. My interval as of now is 2 minutes of "jogging" and 30 seconds of "running". The idea being that your running speed is faster than your jogging speed. So in 30 minutes, you run 12 2.5 minute intervals.

So here's the thing about intervals: you spend most of your time hoping that time goes slow. After your "run" time, your "jog" time is meant to allow you to catch your breath. So, when you look at the clock during jog time and you see you only have a minute left before your next run, your natural reaction is "crap, only a minute left." You're hoping the next minute actually goes by slower. And with my interval, four fifths of my time is spent jogging, hence 24 out of my 30 minutes on the treadmill is spent hoping the clock will slow down. 12 intervals later and I'm done. It's pretty wild.

So, if you're interested in switching up your cardio psychology, give intervals a try.

The Funniest Commercial On TV - Vol. 3

Here ya go. If you don't laugh, you don't have a soul.

Mayer Count

Ok, so after this post my blog will basically be just a collection of youtube videos and posts about John Mayer. I didn't mean for it to happen this way. What are you gonna do?

I saw John Mayer again last night in Phx. Click here to read my review. It occurred to me during the show that I should determine what number Mayer show this is for me.

As of 3/3/05, I had seen Mayer 16 times. Let's count it off from there.

17 - in Vegas with the Trio
18 - in L.A. with the Trio
19 - in L.A. with the Trio again
20 - in Phx with the Trio
21 - in Phx opening for Tom Petty
22 - in L.A. with Sheryl Crow
23 - in Phx with Ben Folds (I'd like to thank Blackberry Curve for bringing me this particular show)

Twenty three. I've been seeing him since 2001 so I guess that's about 3.25 concerts a year. I'm fine with that number.

My accent

I know most Americans say "I have no accent", but I know that I do have an accent - an American accent. Apparently what's below gets into a little more detail:

What American accent do you have? (Best version so far) Midland ("Midland" is not necessarily the same thing as "Midwest") The default, lowest-common-denominator American accent that newscasters try to imitate. Since it's a neutral accent, just because you have a Midland accent doesn't mean you're from the Midland.

Click Here to Take This Quiz