The Bachelor Diaries, Episode 2

I'm back. Let me start by punching my man card and saying I watched The Bachelor on delay because I was watching a crazy 13th inning in play-in game between the Rockies and the Padres. Wow. Okay, onto more manly things like watching 15 chicks try to date 1 dude.

• This week on The Bachelor, the "sexist date ever!" Yep, this date is one notch sexier than the previous sexiest date ever that we saw on last season's Bachelor. Think of how sexy the last sexiest date ever was. And then add more sexy to that.
  
• And it looks like we're in for our first (I get the feeling there may be many this season) visit from the paramedics. A chick passing out on The Bachelor is clockwork these days. Like watching Kanye freak the f out after every single VMAs.
  
• Am I the only one that misses the Officer and a Gentleman song? ... On a mountain high! Where the eagles fly! Good times.
• "Join me for a day at the races. -Brad" gets a giant "Awwww" from these girls? Love me some low expectations. Here's my pitch if I ever ask these girls out via written letter: "Meet me at Taco Bell. Whatever."
• Ok. Chick falls down the stairs and Sheena goes running out the front door screaming for help? I'm sorry, but is she Amish? Pick up the phone and call for help, girl.
• Wait. McCarten spots a football player in the neighboring luxury box? A linebacker? NOT in uniform? Let's say it: UPgrade.
• Allow me to continue to make light of a serious situation ... phone rings, Brad answers "This is Brad." Worst fake laughter ever from all the girls. If that's what these girls are laughing at, I think it's fair to assume that Brad is entirely NOT funny.
  
• Spoke too soon on McCarten. McCarten hears about Michelle taking a spill and her first thought is "How did she get Brad's number?" Look out, McCarten! Michelle is some kind of scary stalker girl! No way she got that number from one of the producers.
• DeAnna Popalotopapolos the Greek Southern girl continues to be the front runner. She is crazy cute.
  
• I'm with Hillary. How DARE you girls put on your bikinis in front of the injured Michelle? You should do the polite thing and lock yourselves in your rooms with paper bags over your heads.
• One girl's pose on the beach reminds me of this (not exactly office friendly).
• This is why The Bachelor is so much better than The Bachelorette. The "day at the races" girls are at home and have deemed themselves the classy girls where as the girls on the beach date "have good bodies" and are "fake". If this were The Bachelorette, the dudes would be at home doing keg stands, getting hammered and making lifelong friends. Where's the fun in that? We want to see insta-cliques and girl on girl hate based on the luck of the draw.
  
• Ando's right about Jenni. Her pre-kiss laugh about nothing was too much.
  
• Solisa certainly has morals, but what she has more of is cliches. "Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do so we'll see what happens." Girl is deep. I wonder if she could spell "esthetician" on the spot?
• No individual date? Interesting move by the producers. I usually love the one-against-all/all-against-one mentality the individual date creates. The producers are getting soft.
• My roommate Dave's idea for Bettina's confession ... probably would have been better if she started with a jaw-dropping lie and then downgraded to the less shocking real thing. For example, "I have to tell you something ... I'm a dude. [beat] Just kidding just kidding, I'm divorced. Not a dude, just divorced. Cool? Cool."
  
• Ok, look, I'm anything but an Adonis and if I was on this show, I'd be getting ripped to shreds and I'd deserve it too. But I'm not on this show and Mallory is. She's a butterface.
• Wait, did she just say "tatas"?
  
• Also, is Brad's tie horrible?
• Also, Solisa, put them away. We get it. You have giant morals.
• What is going wrong with this show? They just previewed the rose ceremony with absolutely no hyperbole. Without being told exactly how dramatic this rose ceremony is, I have no idea what to expect. And I don't like that.
• I'm starting to sour on Hillary. She's proven to be a real trash talker which I suppose is appropriate considering she's from Philly. I could picture her flinging batteries at the NY Giants football players.
• "Ladies, Brad, this is the final rose tonight. When you're ready ..." And just like that Chris is RIGHT back on his game. I never lost faith, Chris. Never.
• Next week, "the most shocking cocktail party ever" in which Brad and his bro pull the twin switch. I'm going to assume they mean in the history of the show and not the world cuz those twins that pulled the switcharoo in Richard Pryor's Moving ... I mean, that was shocking shit right there.

Looking forward to The Bachelor, Episode 3: Shock and Awe (With Twins).