Monday, September 24, 2007

The Bachelor Diaries

Look. I'm a dude. I find the tv show "The Bachelor" to be ridiculously entertaining. There it is.

Here's my running diary of episode 1.
  • Amazing count - 1. Let's get it started right.
  • Amazing count - 2. Both have been by Chris.
  • New word emerges as something worth counting: genuine. Two genuines were just dropped in 30 seconds.
  • Apparently, this bachelor is the man "everyone is calling the sexiest bachelor ever" according to Chris. Everyone, Chris?
  • "They told me you were hot, but I didn't know you were a fire extinguisher." You wanna take that one again, Jessica from Florida?
  • "I'm from the windy city so I have to blow you a kiss," says the girl. "Let's hear it," says Brad. It's his first day.
  • Irish (apparently) girl named McCarten. First name. McCarten. Wow.
  • I like Hillary from Philly. There.
  • DeAnna, the Greek Georgian with the Southern accent wins the award for being the most confusing in terms of origins.
  • The acupuncturist girl sounds the most like Cher. How can we get her to say "if I could turn back towwwwm?"
  • Oh no. Oh please no. Stop singing, Lindsey the model.
  • During the booty shaking montage and the "where's my boob" segment, one girl's strategy of "not crying" and "not drinking" suddenly seems absolutely friggin' brilliant. We're in full train wreck mode on some of these chicks.
  • Morgan is hoping that her "signature move" and webbed freaking toes will get her the first impression rose. The signature move is doing the double fingered "I'm pointing at your two eyes" gesture. There are no words.
  • Looks like someone coached Brad on amazing. I don't think he's dropped one and we're almost done with the rose ceremony. This is the kind of homework I like to see from reality contestants.
  • How many cameras do they have covering the rose ceremony? They just got 5 or 6 shots of girls inaudibly freaking out when Mallory the get-in-my-bikini-and-go-swimming girl got a rose.
  • Seriously, people, Melissa really did think "like, sweetness." I will physically fight anyone who says she did not think "like, sweetness."
Yes! "This season on the Bachelor" shows the environment and Brad aka Matthew McConaghey genetically spliced with McSteamy sends yet another female contestant to the hospital. This time she needs a chopper. Also Brad's twin brother tries to pull the ol' switcharoo at some point.



Ryan said...

My personal highlights:

1) Related to your "genuine" comment...I'm pretty sure no man has EVER taken more pleasure from a conversation with another man than Chris Harrison did with his "before-the-women-arrive" chat with the Bach. Serious jizz fest for Chris.
2) "Cher" has the smallest mouth of all time. It's no wonder her voice is so weird, it's gotta take some effort to squeeze something out of that tiny hole. ...There's A TON of jokes here, but I'll just say it seems prettay obvious why he kept her around, if you know what I mean.
3) Phx Suns Dancer is the biggest over laugher I've ever seen. It's nice to be happy and all, but good goo!!! ... Pretty good chance on date #1 I'm not busting out anything funny so as to avoid her massive freak outs.
4) Seriously, the Bach's reaction to Morgan's webbed feet was GOLD. And honestly, her "signature move," no words. One thing you missed tho, did you SEE her ears. Freakin Gandalf the Elf ears popping through her hair.
5) I really enjoyed Mallory's "model stop" right before she got to the Bach to get her was as tho he was the end of the runway. She's definitely not there for "the right reasons."

kim said...

kim and chris said. . .
THey should give Melissa a pass to a 12 step program once she walked out the door. they should have cut her off after one cocktail.

Chocolate Bear said...

excellent inclusion of "good goo" Ando.