Monday, October 15, 2007

The Bachelor Diaries, Episode 4

After a 13 hour day in the car driving back from Aspen and as the D-Backs seem to be on the verge of getting swept, I dive in ... to episode 4 of The Bachelor.
  • Sheena wonders if the "element of the competition" is what's driving Jenni. I like thinking of all the producers and casting directors laughing their asses off as they watch.
  • Stephy, you look a billion times better without make up. Keep it off.
  • Whoever had 9:05 minutes on the "Hillary's forehead vein" pool wins.
  • "Look at the architecture" says Brad about downtown LA. Is this guy cultured or what!?
  • Tube top pull up count for Jenni's date: 2. Look, I'm not complaining, I'm just saying.
  • Cat claws alert! Apparently it's DeAnna and McCarten against everyone else. They're capital-ists. Get it? They only like girls with more than one capital letter in their name! Dumb joke the first time last week? Okay.
  • Ok, on second thought, you go, Jade! I legitimately totally agree. Also DeAnna's accent clearly comes and goes when the situation best suits her.
  • Back to Jenni and Brad, the best roof top couch top make out session ever! For the record, that's a Luke original.
  • Most pressure filled date ever! Seriously. Improv comedy? Just cruel.
  • Hillary looks f'ing great without make up too. Maybe I have some sort of make up complex.
  • Ok, Jade and DeAnna actually do their own one-up routine a la SNL. "Um, I started working when I was 14 annnnd I've won The Bachelor 3 times already annnnd I invented outer space soooo ..."
  • Yep count during the 2-on-1: 7. Seven! And a "right" and a "mm-hmmm" thrown in there for good measure. Variety is the spice, am I right, Brad!?
  • Did Jade and Jenni take some sort of flirting class? They both have mastered the following moves.
    • The super smile and eyebrow raise to cap off the over laugh.
    • The bury your head in his shoulder.
    • And the grab onto his arm like it's the pole at the fire station.
  • Bettina drops the divorce bomb on the girls at the house. It literally takes the girls 5 seconds to translate "I was married to him" as meaning "Bettina's divorced."
  • Jade, I'm sorry. I think your poofy messy hair thing was really working tonight. Wait. Is that what I mean?
  • When a dude totally disses you and then as you're saying goodbye, he says this is one of the most uncomfortable moments of his life, is that really a pick-me-up?
  • I've thought this for years and I'll say it now. I think the moody guitar song they play when girls get the boot really kinda plays.
  • It is cleave friggin central at the cocktail party tonight.
  • DeAnna is suddenly gold!
    • 1st, she lives a town called Newnan!? Consider her nickname locked in. Nnnnnnnnewnan!
    • 2nd, her little head swivel thing when she talks shit during the confessional is awesome! 3 snaps in Z formation, Newnan.
  • Kristy's voice is horrendous. I did a lot of good deeds this week to counter act the horrible things I say here.
  • Bettina chimes in with the super obvious again: "Jenni treats this whole thing like it's a competition." It seems like you see the dots, Bettina. And you see the numbers on said dots. Just put 'em together, dude. Oh you can't, can you? Cuz you're blinded by the rock solid format of this show. I love The Bachelor.
  • OMG! First kiss = sluttiest in the house?! This show is fanTASTIC! I wish I could be there to just go ape shit with the casting directors as Bettina goes off. I guarantee it rivals a Superbowl champion's locker room. I hope they have a bonus built in for each use of the word "slut".
  • Aaah! She's back. Bad lighting girl.
  • Sheena has made that face twice tonight. I think she's supposed to make it seem like she's exhaling and saying "whew", but uh, it doesn't look like that. It looks like she's momentarily in need of some Immodium. That was the non-grossest way I could figure out how to say that.
  • Stephy's current MySpace quote: "Chip at my wall, fellas." So long, Stephy. Stay out of the light ... or in it. And bye to McCarten as well.
Next week, against all odds, Hillary's cleavage gets even bigger! And WTF? They TELL us that Hillary leaves the show as part of the most "emotional moment in Bachelor history?" Shhhhhh. You had me at "slut", Bachelor. You had me at "slut". (Hi, Cam Crowe. "You had me at _____" jokes will never die, it seems. Are you proud or pissed?)

1 comment:

Ryan said...

1. Brad is the best Bachelor ever, despite his bizarre tendency to think he's in the middle of a business meeting when having a heart to heart discussion with these girls ... "right...uh huh...ok...right." He also loves touching girls' faces. Weird. I hope he washes his hands.
2. I'm glad to see we've got some girls who've watched the show before...every single girl is pulling out the "I want to be here" card way early this season.
3. Highlight of the night...convo at the cocktail party between the Capitalists, McCarten asking DeDe who she thought was going home...DeDe responds by waving the rose she got on her 2-on-1 date in McCarten's face and saying "Not me!" HI-larious. Other highlight of the night (besides the architecture comment), the girls FREAKING out over the fact that Brad arrived to pick up the OverLaugher in a helicopter. It was as though they'd never seen such a vessel of transportation.
4. Bettina...this is NOT gonna end pretty.
5. Glad to see Bad Lighting Girl and Horrible Smile go. If only we could've gotten rid of Tiny Mouth too.
6. Does Overlaughing Jenni even have a challenger at this point? Could this be the first season ever where the early frontrunner goes wire-to-wire? Bettina's insane, DeDe seems insincere, Hilary is gone next week (finally...she freaks my sh*t out), Sheena the sleeper just isn't getting it done, and Tiny Mouth has a tiny mouth, a horrible voice and is an emotional wreck. Maybe Brad will choose Jenni's overlaughing ass because she wants to stay in Phx to dance for the Suns for a year..this will allow him to move to L.A. after the show, cash in on his newfound celebrity and hook up with Audrina from The Hills and other D-list reality stars, before issuing the standard press release that claims the distance between the two of them was too challenging on their young relationship. Personally, I can't wait.

Likewise, I. Love. This. Show.