The Bachelor Diaries, Episode 10

Well I decided to take a couple weeks off to contemplate just how much of a badass Big Swayze really is. I think I'm now ready for "After the Final Rose". (Side note: shouldn't they technically change the name of this particular episode? I know it's typically called "The Bachelor: After the Final Rose" but in this case, there was no final rose so it should probably be called "The Bachelor: After the Final Beat Down" or "The Bachelor: After Straight Up Double Rejection" or "The Bachelor: Big Swayze Rules The Bachelor and All Previous Bachelors" or "The Bachelor: HowdoyoulikemeNOW?!".) In all seriousness though, I give props to the Brad for realizing he didn't really feel it like he expected to with either girl so he cut them loose. Granted he probably could have just dated one of them, but he decided not to ... and I think that's a pretty decent decision. ANYWAY (copyright Chuck Klosterman), here we go with the final diary of the season.

• Chris Harrison nailed it right at the start. "Brad remains the bachelor." That's really what it's all about, right? You just can't ask Big Swayze to change the essence of his being. He is ... The Bachelor. (Another side note: this ending suddenly reminds of the end to one of the greatest reality shows ever called "The Player" in which each episode ended with a girl saying to her rejected dude with a completely straight face: "Don't hate the player. Hate the game." It was epic. Anyway, with a tag line like that, you can imagine there were some real dudes on this show. And because the show was called "The Player", when this girl chose her final guy (ergo, the ultimate player), he was then given a choice between the chick he'd been competing for for months ... or an SUV. AND HE TOOK THE SUV! I mean he really was ... THE Player. It was awesome. Oh and did I mention that Boston Rob from Survivor left "the players" voicemail messages and called himself "The Playah Operaytah". MAN, that show ruled! What? You didn't see it. Oh. Okay. Well at least get a taste of how great this show as by checking out the theme song here.)
• Let's start the show off with ... completely random clapping. It went like this:
• Crowd cheers as Chris enters.
• Crowd simmers.
  
• Harrison goes "Yes, we have a lot to talk about, don't we?"
• Crowd erupts into cheer again similar to when Dr. Phil says the most obvious thing ever and gets raving applause from his audience. "Well maybe you shouldn't scream profanities and sexist comments at your wife when you're at the mall," says Dr. Phil. Crowd goes f'ing nuts. No shit, Dr. Phil. You're really forging new boundaries and deserve said applause, moron. Hate Dr. Phil.
  
• I've already gone off on three tangents and we're like 5 minutes into the show. Yikes.
• "Possibly the most shocking ending ever," Chris? Possibly? This guy really chokes in the playoffs, am I right?
• First public appearance as a family for Trista and co. Really? They've been locked in the house with blackout shades since the birth?
• Holy crap Byron and Crazy Mary are still together? And she even said crazy twice right off the bat. Was I the only one that called her Crazy Mary? Cuz she was crazy.
• Here's Jenni. I'm ready for at least 8 awkward laughs and more crack interviewing skills from Harrison.
• Yep, I still can't handle her. Thanks, flashback. "Southern gentleman is so my type. HAHAHAHAHA." Gah!
• So I know for certain that Jenni was already back to living with her old boyfriend when she filmed this. And she's all cry time while watching the flashbacks? Really?
• Okay, that's awesome. Jenni didn't know about the double rejection til we all did. The Bachelor is shrouded in secrecy.
• Huh? Jenni and Brad's relationship was built on respect and sincerity? I thought it was built on nervous over-laughing and quick commitments to overnight dates.
• Jenni's Grandma, props. Cool chica right there.
• Newnan's accent is really kickin' tonight.
  
• Aw, man, the elbow nudge didn't make it into the flashback. That was the apex of their relationship as far as I'm concerned.
  
• I noticed that Brad said "I can't look you in your eye and tell you 'I love you.'" Which eye specifically do you think he had in mind?
• Dang, Newnan is gonna reign down fire on Swayze. She's pissed.
• Man, 10 weeks later and it's still like it happened yesterday for Newnan. Torch carrier, that one.
• Dude! How awesome would it be if they pulled the Chad switch again?
• Dang. That would have been great. Can I say "best suit Brad has worn all season?"
  
• Great job, ABC, loading that audience with pissed women. They f'ing groaned when Swayze said he was disappointed with the result as well.
• Judging from Swayze's comments, it's basically the most public case of "he's just not that into you" ever.
  
• Wow, Harrison is actually asking good questions here. Why buy the ring? Do you feel like a jerk? Solid work, sir.
• The shots of the crowd have no price.
  
• Wait, there's pissed dudes in the crowd too. "Burn him! He's a witch! Burn hiiiiim!"
• Keep in mind that, thanks to the Johnjay and Rich intel (see my last blog entry), we know that Jenni is living with her pre-Bachelor boyfriend during the filming of this thing. And she is f'ing grilling the dude. Such bullshit. Booooo, Jenni. Boooooo.
  
• I'm behind Brad all the way. He chose not to string either of them along ... and now they're pissed. I think it's a lose/lose for him.
• I'll say it again, Newnan. He's just not that into you.
• Brad is a stud. This is an f'ing firing squad and the dude is representing.
  
• "What now for Brad Womack?" asks Harrison. Look out, Larry King.
• Can Byron or someone give Brad a hug? Dude's a stand up guy and deserves some backers here.
• Ok, I can't stress this enough. If you still have this episode on your Tivo, roll it back and check out the last question during the credits. The girl that says "Does this mean Brad is still single?" After she says that, she transforms into some kind of maniacal rabbit. Dave and I watched it 4 times over cuz it was that crazy.

Well, kids, it's been real. It's been fun. It hasn't been real fun. ... Nah, I'm just kidding Greatest Bachelor season ever! Greatest bachelor ever! I'm looking forward to the next round in the spring. Until then, if you ever miss Big Swayze, just pop in Point Break. Pop in Point Break anyway. So good.