Below is a chat I had with Ando just after seeing Transformers. I think it suffices as my official review.
(9:51:18 AM) Ando: transformers was awesome
(9:51:47 AM) Luke: awesome and horrible for me
(9:52:12 AM) Luke: there were about a billion times when i thought "michael bay is definitely directing this movie" ... which is bad
(9:52:15 AM) Luke: for me
(9:52:18 AM) Ando: i also want to join the nsa because they apparently have hot, aussie 18 year olds who can talk directly to the secretary of defesne all while decoding complex analyses working there
(9:52:24 AM) Ando: i'm with you there
(9:52:36 AM) Luke: just a mess of a film
(9:52:37 AM) Luke: a mess
(9:52:52 AM) Luke: why did the sector 7 guy need to show the mars lander tape?
(9:52:57 AM) Luke: WHY!?
(9:53:09 AM) Ando: EXCELLENT question
(9:53:10 AM) Luke: it served no purpose than to remind the audience about the teaser trailer from a year ago
(9:53:17 AM) Luke: i was like, oh yeah, that was a decent preview
(9:53:23 AM) Luke: too bad you couldn't leave it at that
(9:53:40 AM) Luke: at that point, i think we had fully established that transformers were bad
(9:53:44 AM) Luke: and dangerous
(9:54:07 AM) Ando: i also don't like shia very much. or his character anyway. dude, just calm down for A SECOND. please.
(9:54:26 AM) Luke: i can't not like shia
(9:54:41 AM) Luke: but while we're here, the criminal angle for the hottie
(9:54:44 AM) Luke: who the f cares!?
(9:54:52 AM) Ando: amen.
(9:55:21 AM) Luke: i'm supposed to believe that shia was like, oh wait, i'm no longer head over heels for this girl not that i've learned that her dad brought her along to car thefts when she was 5
(9:55:28 AM) Luke: not = now
(9:55:41 AM) Ando: tuturro's character, weird
(9:56:08 AM) Luke: yeah, the idea of calling the hottie a criminal to get under shia's skin
(9:56:19 AM) Luke: shoot me in the face, michael bay
(9:56:28 AM) Luke: the random bumble bee piss
(9:56:44 AM) Luke: you're welcome, 5 year olds, now leave before you have to watch optimus stab a transformer in the throat
(9:56:53 AM) Ando: i did like bay's little "this is gonna be better than armageddon" line.
(9:56:54 AM) Ando: lol
(9:57:23 AM) Luke: i do not understand how someone would think that movie was a nice, flowing well thought out film
(9:57:55 AM) Ando: but the transformers were awesome
(9:58:11 AM) Luke: they were so awesome
(9:58:13 AM) Ando: so, ya know, that was cool
(9:58:15 AM) Luke: fracking amazing
(9:58:27 AM) Luke: like, i never once thought "this is great cgi"
(9:58:43 AM) Luke: i was like, shit, that transformer just blew some shit up in that city
(9:59:00 AM) Luke: dammit, michael bay
(9:59:03 AM) Luke: how did you screw this up?
(9:59:16 AM) Luke: just pick one plot and go with it
(10:00:03 AM) Luke: did he really first sit down and go, ok, here are all the players we need in this movie: the transformers, the hackers, the hacker's black friend, shia, the parents, the hottie, sector 7, the sec of defense, the unnamed military group of hot dudes
(10:00:20 AM) Luke: these players are all INTEGRAL
(10:00:28 AM) Luke: the movie fails without ALL of them
(10:00:46 AM) Luke: f!
(10:00:55 AM) Ando: ok you've put way more thought into this than me
(10:00:59 AM) Ando: i'm ashamed
(10:01:04 AM) Ando: it def was a total mess of a movie
(10:01:13 AM) Luke: f'ing ... MESS!
(10:01:31 AM) Ando: i still thought my $5.50 was worth it
(10:01:49 AM) Luke: totally worth it
(10:01:52 AM) Luke: but still
(10:01:52 AM) Luke: f