The Bachelorette Musings - Jillian - Season Finale

Sup. I skipped over "The Men Tell All" cuz I heard Wes was booked putting on a concert for his adoring fans in Chihuahua, Mexico. Ergo, I'm out. Onto the finale! If you really think about it, could this franchise's track history make their finales any less climactic? All we'll learn tonight is who Jillian will date for 6 months before they break up, right? ANYWAY I guess watching the train wreck unfold is what it's all about.

Tonight's questions: will Ed wear his green shorts again? Does Kiptyn have a 12 pack or a 24 pack? Will Ed be able to give Jillian the "passion she deserves?"* Let's find out.

• Apparently tonight is the most emotional season finale ever, but I still don't think it will top the most dramatic outside shot of a hotel room light turning on ever from the last episode. Ah, memories.
  
• In a show filled with "journeys," "connections," and "staying true to yourself," what exactly does "slaying dragons" mean? Is Wes the dragon? Or maybe she means Ed's pride?
  
• [Gasp!] White pants!
• Jill to Ed: "Do you wanna tell everyone our story?" Ed: "Let me start." Jill: "Okay you start." Me: "Yeah, that's what 'do YOU wanna tell everyone our story' means. You don't need to ask to start when someone requests a story directly from you."
• You know what's fun? Job interviews -- er, I mean, a conversation with Peggy. Oh wait, same thing.
• Hey, Peggy. 1) I think you're a robot. 2) How 'bout you slow down your blinking subroutine?
• Anyone else notice that the family went equally apeshit for Jillian's arrival on both her family dates? Seriously what's with the squeal from Jill on both days and the hopping from the cousin? And what's with Peggy remaining emotionless and seated on the couch during the Ed/Jill arrival and then standing and hugging for the Kiptyn/Jill arrival?
• You know what Jillian has here in this episode? She's got "the choice to choose between two guys." Couldn't have said it better myself, Peggy.
• Seriously what is WRONG with Peggy? Why is she not facing Kiptyn on the couch and instead facing forward and rotating her head 100 degrees to her right? I used to like Canada, but this woman is giving me serious doubts.
• How old is the Cousin Tory? 24? 38? 34? 27? 43? There are very few ages you could throw at me that would result in me blinking.
• Do the producers of the bachelor understand that it is possible to go on a date that doesn't involve a helicopter ride? I'm pretty sure I'd be bored on a helicopter ride at this point.
  
• She's picking Kiptyn. No way she doesn't. The chick that took the so-called "bad ass" Wes all the way to the top 5 ... is going to pick the dude that is playing hard to get. And that dude is Kiptyn.
  
• See what they did? See what they did there? They showed the hotel room light turning OFF! And then they showed a volcano erupting! Kaboom! And then they showed a train going into a tunnel! Slam-zam! And then they showed a hot dog going into bun! Shame on you, ABC! This is a family show!
• Nice to see they put the two dudes up at different hotels. Wouldn't want to have a "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" scenario on our hands ... or would we? Mental note made for next season.
• If you fell asleep or walked the dog or entered into an extremely short term coma during the 20 minutes between the end of Kiptyn's date and Jillian's arrival at the final decision spot, let me catch you up ... I had some yogurt. It was good.
• Well I'll be gd'd, Jillian. You're the first chick ever to dump lil' Kippy. Well done.
• I'd pay a decent chunk of money to see Jill take a wrong step on the bridge and go head first into the pool. At least it would break up the most boring hour in bachelorette history.
• Bigger twist? Reid showing back up in Hawaii? Or Reid showing back up in Hawaii wearing those ridiculous shoes?
• Reid's following one of those age old mantras: if a girl rejects you, wait for her to have two overnight dates with other dudes and then propose wearing no tie and ridiculous shoes. Tale as old as time.
• Just when you thought getting the boot on the last episode was embarrasing, eh, Reid?
• How horrible is it that I'm giggling as Reid drives away? I mean those shoes were just ridiculous! No, but seriously shoes aside ... ridiculous.
  
• Jillian drops the f bomb for the crane shot. Pretty endearing there, Canada. Well done.
  
• ED! Purple tie! Sup, dude. Here's what I would have said if I were Chris Harrison: "Holy shit, ED! Dude, you have no fracking idea what has gone down here today. Man, seriously this is crazy times! Uh, that is a ... that's a purple tie there, my man. Anyway, for real, you really have no idea. Man you're lucky. Now get the f out there!" [pat on the ass]
• Just after the proposal, cut to Chris Harrison: "Play them out, Wes!" How great would that have been?

Well ... another finale, another let down compared to Big Swayze. Good effort, Jillian. Good effort.

*When they say passion, they mean boner.

PS ... looks like the Simmons household agrees with me. Check the timing of my tweets vs. theirs.

The Bachelorette Musings: The Final 3 in Hawaii with Jillian

Well, what better way to spend my last hours of twenty-dom than with the triumphant return of the musings! None, says I. I missed the first 10 minutes thanks to the lovely service at Fry's Pharmacy, but I think it's safe to say I didn't miss out on the moment that all the previews seem to be hinting at ... yeah, that moment. Before it happens, let's just reel off some jokes, shall we?

• It's the limpest moment in bachelorette history! Kaboom!
• Yes, we choose to forego our individual rooms tonight ... and any chance of arousal. Pazing!!
• Jillian. Gentlemen, this is the final boner tonight! Zang!
• Gentlemen, I'm sorry. Take a moment. Say your goodbyes ... to getting it on! Kuh-zingo!!
  
• Ed, do you accept this Viagra? Cuz you seem to need it. Zorp!!
  
• Fantasy suite? More like can't-asy suite! Hello!

Okay, onto the show ...

• While I appreciated Jillian's rejection of all fantasy suite cards last week, have there always been dub-fantasy-suite opportunities in a given season? I mean, if the chick holds out on one fantasy suite, but not on the next, does that still count as holding out?
• Jillian's aboot / about comes and goes like Cruise's German accent in Valkyrie.
  
• Jillian's dress for her outdoor date with Reid looks like a gray top with a yellow skirt ... but it isn't! It's totally a two-tone dress. It's not a skirt/top at all. I'm serious. It's like a hypercolor and those Magic Eye paintings from the mall got together and had a baby. A dress baby.
• Reid: "This'll be my first helicopter ride." Jillian: "This'll be like my 5th helicopter ride ... televised ... on ABC."
• Helicopter pastor? As Puck from The Real World says, if you get married on a helicopter, you stay on the helicopter. Too obscure of a quote? I agree.
• Jillian confirms the answers to her questions way too much. "Did you have fun today? Yeah?" "Did the marriage talk on the helicopter make you nervous? It did?" "Is it insanely hard to figure out if I'm cute or not? Is it?"
• Last chance to nominate me while I'm in my 20s! 866-739-3150! Oops, too late.
• Is Ed a big Magnum P.I. fan or are those shorts really short? Like Stockton short.
• Holy crap, Ed. This is some boring times. Did y'all catch my 10-minute-road-trip music video? Much more exciting than meeting Ed's parents.
• Woah! Jillian. That is quite the white out-of-the-bathroom top-thingy you've got there.
• Okay, so "I couldn't show Jillian that I really, truly love her" = shoulda ordered up some Cialis from room service, right? Way to keep it ambiguous there, ABC.
• Yeah, but, Ed ... did you do IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTT!!!?!?!?
• If there's one thing you should know about these videos that the guys prepared for you, it's that they're private. Very private to be exact. So private that only you and eventually all of America will see them.
• Is Jillian a robot? Did she just have a reboot or something? "Ed, I do. Have con-ssserns. That I ffffeel like are getting. In the way. Of my. Deh-ssssision." Run that tape back and laugh.
• Ed and KG agree: anything is possible.

Well, that was sufficiently boring. Next week does not look bad. Hopefully Wes wasn't previously booked for a show in Chihuahua, Mexico.

Road Trip!

So Ando and I took a road trip to all these places.

There are lots of pictures. And now there's video.

Luke's iPhone headphones / earbuds review

I have owned a lot of headphones.

A lot.

I figured I could use my spending for good and review them here. Let's go.

Earbuds in ascending order of goodness

Sony MDR in-ear headphones ~$25	These are good as far as comfort and sound goes. Don't buy the ones with the cord extender. The extender thing is heavy and weighs on your ear. Without the extender, the cord is too short.
V-Moda Vibe II Earbud Headset with Microphone ~$120	These have great sound, but the iPhone control is cased in steel and hangs where the two earbud cords meet. Another set with a pet peeve for me: weighty microphone and iPhone control.
Sony MDR wrap-around earbuds ~$40	These are basically the same earbuds as above except without the cord extender and with the wrap around. I prefer these to the ones above. Same great sound.
Apple In-Ear Headphones with Remote and Mic ~$80	These have the latest and best iPhone control: play, pause, fast-forward, and volume up/down. The comfort is great. The problem for me was that the sound was just not the full sound I was looking for. Maybe they didn't fit my ears right. I got them for my dad and he digs 'em a lot.
V-Moda Vibe Duo Earbuds ~$60	These are the best earbuds I've ever owned in terms of sound. I wear these every day when I'm working out. Only problem is no iPhone control/microphone.
iPhone Stereo Headset ~$30	After all my searching, I ended up with the latest "standard" iPhone buds (which now come with the iPhone 3GS). I prefer the sound of these to the in-ear (allegedly superior sounding) Apple buds above. And the weight of the mic/control is perfect (aka not noticeable) plus the latest ones have volume up/down compared to the old fast-forward/pause only.

My cans review soon to come ...

Amateur Improv: Johnjay and Rich - War of the Roses

So Ando and I drove around the SD/Wyoming/Colorado area (pictures forthcoming) and eventually we listened to some Johnjay & Rich / War of the Roses podcasts. If you're not familiar, check some 'casts here. Trust me, it will add to the ridiculousness below.

Eventually our love/hate for this segment could not be contained and we engaged in some grade-A first take amateur improv. It was so good we got pulled over for DWI - driving while IMPROV'ING! BOOM! No no no, no arrests. The cop let us off cuz it he thought it was gd hilarious! Zing! I kid I kid. Here goes nothin' ...

The Bachelorette Musings - Hot Dog Jillian - Season Premiere

Well ... here goes nothing. It's my BS bullet points against the Sports Gal's tweets. (2,000 followers already!) You be the judge. This should also be interesting cuz I only know what I skimmed regarding the most shocking season in Bachelor history!

• Jillian, I don't even know you, but 1) you run weird and 2) you drop the cliches with the best of them: "open my heart", "let my walls down", "I don't give an s what he puts on his hot dog." Er. Wait.
• Just re-read last season's premiere blog. Looks like I was then referring to Jillian as 'Canada.' I think we can do better than that this season.
  
• Who had 9 minutes in the breakdancing footage pool? You win.
  
• We're 5 dudes in and they're all douches. One of them just said "I'm a catch because I just graduated from law school and I'm an attorney at law."
  
• Look, people. If you think Jake is trying to be an average pilot ... well, I mean, you're just dead wrong. He's looking to be an artist pilot ... or a pilot artist. I don't quite get it but he's trying to make art out of flying single prop planes I guess.
• See, the problem with being named Kiptyn ... is that Google has you by the balls. Case in point. And just in case he deletes it, I screen capped the pig shot.
• I just spent the entire Harrison interview Googling Kyptin. I assume it was the standard bs: looking for Mr. Right, how did it feel to get owned by Jason, hyperbole hyperbole hyperbole.
  
• It's not flying, okay? It's aviation. Only average pilots say flying.
• First impression by John from Boise in a word: hammered.
  
• What are you saying about yourself when you're Brad the financial advisor and your first move is to dust your shoulders off? Dandruff problem? Fan of Jay-Z?
• Okay, the word of the day is ... cool. Jillian says cool 0.9 times per meet and greet.
• I like how the spray down of the side walk for dramatic effect has ruined Jillian's dress. I blame you, Harrison.
• Holy shit. I thought I had ABC on a typo, but apparently not: restaurateur is a word. Are there other words where I can just leave out random letters while maintaining the word's meaning?
• Jillian, seriously stop saying cool.
• Kyle, I think I already said it once, but you're a douche.
• Steve, YOU'RE a douche. I take back everything I said about Kyle.
• If I ever appear on the Bachelorette and get my own Spanish guitar riff as I emerge from the limo, kill me. My life is complete.
• Greg, YOOOOOOOOU'RE a douche!!! Kyle and Steve, you've been entirely out-douched.
• How much would I pay for Harrison to go hyperbolic with the word "douchiest?"
• Her dress is fully ruined. It's like she's wearing a mop around her feet.
• There's a developing epidemic on the Bachelor/Bachelorette: the "I don't mean to be rude, but can I steal him/her" move. Is there anything that can be done about this? Should anything be done about this? There may or may not be hours of debate waiting for us.
  
• This guy's name is Tanner F? 1) Giggle. 2) Does this mean there's two dudes named Tanner on this show?
• That's Juan from Santa MONicaaaaaaaaaa!! (This joke was not meant for everyone.)
  
• One of the out-douched just drew on Jillian's finger. And she's eating it up. I did not see that coming.
• Guitar guy kinda makes me miss LeeLee from way back and all her horrificness.
  
• Okay, look, I'm a man. I'm 40. Come at me, etc. With all that said, Breakin' 2: Mike from Astoria seems to be a legit cool dude. But actually cool, not the played out cool that Jillian keeps using.
• The guy with the worst first impression ever knows random ass stats about first impressions? In all seriousness, what are the chances?
• Speaking of stats, the most insignificant twist in Bachelor history gets an unreasonable response. Your chances dropping from 1/25 to 1/30 does not equate to bombs being dropped.
• I just realized I am directly in the age range of all these dudes. I just stared at a blinking cursor for 60 seconds here. There are no words.
  
• Attention, everyone. I have important news. The other Tanner's last initial is P! Best Bachelorette season ever.
  
• Here's what those hamsters jamming out in that Soul car haven't considered: keep up the cruising and all your peers are gonna be in way better shape than you.
• Trying to look at it objectively, I think being one of the last 5 proved to be decidedly advantageous.
• Apparently the Sports Guy lied about the Sports Gal's twitter binge.
• Number of rose ceremony shots of dudes I swear never got out of the limo: 5.
• Number of guys that received a rose that I swear never got out of the limo: 10.
• Yes! F and P both make it to next week! F! P!
• The first time ever where I might have actually needed Chris' help with the rose count. That was a shit load of roses.
• All 3 of the douches get the axe. Well done, Jillian. I guess Jillian has good douche-dar? Too far? Probably.
• Man, Steve is a douche. He would have left a better impression if he ripped his shirt off and howled like a coyote.
• I spent the entire happy portion of "this season on The Bachelorette" looking forward to the moment when the music turned ominous. You're so lovably predictable, Bachelorette.
  

Summer TV, people. It's pretty good okay.

The Mrs. Buttersworth Name Contest. It's About Time.

Kevin and Bean recently turned me on to this: http://mrsbutterworthsyrup.com/namecontest/

Let me start by saying yes, I'm as excited as you are. Let's just compose ourselves though and look at this rationally, shall we?

1. This is the best URL you could get?

Typically "vanity" URLs like this are meant to be quick and short so that people can type it in from memory. With that in mind, you went with mrsbutterworthsyrup.com instead of just mrsbutterworth.com (which you own)? And on top of that you went with /namecontest instead of just /contest or /name? My curiosity led me to my 2nd point ...

2. This isn't their only active contest.

They have not one, but TWO other active contests. What does this say about their target demographic? Apparently if you love syrup enough to go to a syrup website, you are extremely likely to then want to a) burn calories on stories about a bottle of liquid sugar, b) do arts and flipping crafts on behalf of Mrs. B and c) "guess" the name of a fictitious animated talking female glass bottle with no legs. One of these ridiculous wastes of time just isn't enough to satisfy people that love syrup so much they have to turn to the Internet in between trying to induce themselves into a sugar coma every morning.

3. Win BIG!

What's "BIG!", you ask? Lucky for you, I read the rules.

BIG! = A year's supply of syrup + $500 = 1 case of syrup ($550 value) + $500

In other words, "BIG!" is a grand except it's as though you are required to spend half of your winnings on flipping syrup.

And while we're here, a year's worth of syrup = a case? Isn't that something like 24 bottles? 24 bottles of syrup? In a year? Holy balls, people. Can you imagine the average weight of the people entering this contest if they're taking down 24 bottles of syrup per year? No wonder they have time to enter in 3 syrup contests. They can use their 3 hours per day on the treadmill to "guess" Mrs. B's name.

4. "Guess" Mrs. Butterworth's first name? Honestly.

I did a little more research and found that Mrs. Butterworth was originally created in 1961 and, according to the marketing geniuses that created this contest, she had a name this whole time, but I guess they felt they'd sell more sugar sauce if Mrs. B maintained a certain sense of mystery? And now, I guess, is the time to give everyone what they've been waiting for. Now that she's 48 and well into the cougar era, it's time for Mrs. Butterworth to become ... Tina Butterworth? Jane Butterworth? Esther Butterworth? Charisma Butterworth? Whatever the name is, I know I'll be lining up for more sucrose juice and I'll be telling my kids about 2009, the year that the 48-year old mystery was solved.

5. Read the rules or you might get burned.


Who is entering a contest about naming a cartoon food product and using obscene language? "Dear Mrs. B, Thanks for all your f'ing awesome syrup. Seriously pancakes would be s without your gd complimentary f'ing goodness. S. Seriously, Mrs. B. You're the s. F. Is your first name Gertrude?"

On the off chance I win, anyone know if there's a market for cases of syrup on ebay?

P.S. Is Aunt Jemima / Mrs. Butterworth the first weird combination of two nearly identical products coming out at once? Did the likes of Deep Impact / Armageddon and The Prestige / The Illusionist realize there's always room for 2 of everything based on the ongoing success of two bottles of syrup modeled after motherly females?

Yes, this is what I did with my Sunday evening.