The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 4

Let's slide this catch up session into home.

• Someone should ask Dr. Drew how one would get a black eye in the middle of the night. Someone make a note for later.
• As Ando pointed out earlier ... there are two words to describe Harrison's opening appearance tonight: cardigan fail.
• Chantal at the start of their date: "I'm getting picked up on a helicopter! How cool is that!?" F You, Chantal. You can go straight to hell til you die.
• Congratulations, producers on finding the ugliest, most lifeless plot of ocean in existence.
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• How is that none of Chantal's over abundance of blush has rubbed off on Brad's beige hoodie?
• Back at the homestead, Michelle is developing an Ali/Vienna complex with Chantal. The "I don't see how he can like me if he also likes her" complex makes very little sense in my tiny male brain.
• Finally a sneak peek into what actually goes on at Loveline. If you want a *real* peek, this is a wonderful video.
• Can't believe Mike is getting no love on this segment. Mike wore a pink tie and looked super serious throughout!
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• I'm giggling thinking of the typical Loveline calls that probably sandwiched all these heartfelt words from Brad that the girls drooled all over.
• This just in. Brad loves hoodies.
• Britt makes her move. She played The Bachelor like you're supposed to play Survivor. Fly low under the radar as long as possible ... and then pounce. She's sly.
• Look out, Michelle. Brad's here for your date. And he's wearing a hoodie.
• I bet Michelle wakes up every day and does this routine, but says something else: "Now, this whole house ... sucks. I can do anything annoying. I hate my housemates. I hate everything. I hate my Chantal. I hate my black eye. I hate talking about everyone other than me. I like my hair. I like my hair cuts. I hate this whole ... HOUSSSSSE! My whole house ... sucks. I can do anything annoying. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah."
• I'm a little excited to watch Michelle squirm during her repelling date.
• A Point Break quote comes to mind: "Some guys snort for it, other guys shoot a vein ... all you gotta do is jump."
• So the "babe" barrier has been broken thanks to adrenaline and a whole lotta rope. Great.
• PS I think that was Michelle and Brad's first kiss. Where are the fireworks, Michelle? Where are they!?!?
• Today's "bingo" session -- er, therapy session reveals the following: get it on!!! Gotta get it on. No choice but to get it on. Mandate: get it on.
• This is the worst cocktail party ever. I've spent the majority of it trying to remember the Twitter handles Patton Oswalt was raving about on Simmons' podcast. The gist I'm getting is that ladies are having a tough time feeling special and unique? Probably has to do with 10 of you trying to date the same dude.
• Uh oh. The bad ties are creeping back. On the bright side: no hoodie!
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• It must be a special kind of torture to share a first name on this show. "Ashleyyyyyyyyyy S." "Oh! So close!"
• Ashley H gets the rose instead of Horrible Shoes, Stacey and that Lindsay chick. Freak outs can pay off, ladies.

Next week, we rehash a lame segment from last season: forcefully putting people in live theatre! And we rehash a segment from this episode: excessive crying! Can't wait.