F You, Footloose Remake

Look.  I was already livid with the Footloose remake because ... it's a Footloose remake.  A film that spawned this scene (that Zach and I have repeatedly re-enacted on the streets of Aspen by the way):

Which in turn spawned this spoof:

... is clearly without reproach.

But then they did something absolutely horrific.  They stole the Friday Night Lights signature music and style for their preview:

That's it.  That's the last straw.  You've now treaded on 2 untouchable classics: Footloose and Friday Night Lights.  In the words of Coach Taylor ... You have a nice day.

Looks like my marathon training kinda worked

So my marathon training is all based on doing my longest run one month away from marathon day.  Leading up to that super long run and following that long run, I'll add/subtract 20 minutes from my run length every weekend.  So I'll do a 100 minute, 120 minute, 140 minute, 160 minute, 180 minute, 160 minute, 140 minute ... you get the idea.  It's like a bell curve of run lengths.

Here's how it mapped out.  Not too shabby.

My Three Least Favorite Harry Potter Cliches

So now that the Potter series is over (book form and film form), let's talk about the 3 most annoying recurring themes.

1. We all knew Harry Potter wasn't going to die in books 1 - 6. J.K. made it clear from the start that there are 7 years of school and there will be 7 books in the end. And yet every book the plot was always basically "uh oh, someone's out to kill Harry. Watch out!" Severus, Voldemort, Sirius Black ... it didn't matter. I wasn't worried. I knew book 5 wasn't going to be Hermione Granger and the Frizzy Hair. I knew book 6 wasn't going to be Ron Weasley and the Lack of Confidence.
2. Ron and Harry always sass Hermione when she says something with confidence. "Harry, get started on the tent." ... followed by Harry going "A tent? Where am I going to be able to find a tent!?" We're in book 7, Harry. Haven't you learned that Hermione has everything figured out at all times? PLUS we're talking about magic here. When Hermione says tent or gum drop or elephant that poops ice cream, I don't think it's a stretch to realize she can manifest anything in the world. And furthemore, Hermione's the only one that's actually good at magic.
3. Expelliarmus. F'ing expelliarmus. It's the only spell Dumbledore's Army knows. The Death Eaters can leave fangy clouds, turn into flying smoke monsters, split their soul into 7 pieces so they are basically invincible and actually kill people with their spells, but they can't fight off expelliarmus - the first f'ing spell you learn at Hogwarts. I thought you guys were pros, Death Eaters. Hold onto your wands, you f'ing rookies ... and you might have actually won this thing.

The Best iTunes Marathon Smart Playlist

So I've already documented the best smart playlist of all time - my Master Playlist. One place though where the master playlist won't do ... is while running.

When it comes to distance running, I break things into 3 phases:

1. Running1 - Songs to kick start your run early in the morning and get you going. Upbeat songs that might lean towards having a long lead in. Think "Rock and Roll Ain't Noise Polution" by AC/DC or "Knocked Up" by Kings of Leon.
2. Running2 - I use these playlists when running half marathons and marathons and my secret to a good long run is keeping a good pace in the middle of the race. These songs tend to have a nice groove and often end up being the highlight of my run. Think "Use Me" by Bill Withers or "Covered in Rain" by John Mayer (what was once my most played song ever).
3. Running3 - Now that Running2 has effectively saved you from burning out at Mile 20, these are the drop dead adrenaline songs that are gonna bring you into the finish. Think "See Through Head" by The Hives or "Positive Tension" by Bloc Party.

So use the comments field in iTunes to label your songs as Running1, Running2 or Running3 according to the rules above and you'll have laid the ground work.

Now time to load the playlist. I like to be surprised by what's coming on next on my run, but obviously not totally surprised (I mean, we can't have a Running3 at the beginning of the run - am I RIGHT!?!?). So to load your playlist, first figure out how long you're going to be running for - let's say 2 hours. Divid the time into thirds (ish) - let's say 45 minutes for each third. Then set up 1 playlist to randomly pull 45 minutes of Running1, another playlist to pull 45 minutes of Running2, and another to pull 45 minutes of Running3.

Load all three of these playlists into one final playlist in order (so all the Running1s are first, Running2s are second, etc.) and voila!

You now have a random (and yet predictable) set of tunes that are going to pump you up, set your pace and let you finish strong (TWSS).

For example, here's what my system just spit out for tomorrow's Aspen Half Marathon:

Easy, right? What? I have too much time on my hands. Okay, fine. Ruin my fun.

Don't drink and ride

In the afore mentioned carbon footprint killing bike ride, I remember having my water bottle with me. Looks like I found a well camouflaged replacement for the ride home.


Yes. There was still beer in it.


For what it's worth, the "silver bullet" didn't seem to help my speed at all.

Location:E Hyman Ave,Aspen,United States

I am a Mac Genius!

So there's a power outtage at the liquor store yesterday. They are being forced to calculate sales tax by hand, write down credit card numbers for later charge, etc.

The girl behind the counter asks if I have an iPhone. I say "yes." she hands me her phone and says "can you take the calculator out of scientific mode?"



I take the phone from her. Turn the screen so it's facing her and rotate to the left.


Result:


I may or may not have said the following:


I am a Mac Genius! That'll be $65. Thanks.

Location:S Ute Ave,Aspen,United States

How to not win a reality show immediately

I've watched a lot of reality TV shows in my day and I've learned ... winning them is hard. Losing them on the other hand is quite easy. So here's how to NOT win a reality show right off the bat. (Some of these will work better on some shows than others, but I'm confident they'll all work in the end.)

• Grab everyone's attention and proclaim "Listen up, everyone. I didn't come here to win. I came here to make friends!"
• Drink as much alcohol as you possibly can on day/night one.
• Establish yourself as the domineering "leader" and tell everyone what to do.
• Walk up and personally tell each contestant that you disrespect them.
• Walk up and personally tell each contestant that they are fake.
• Whenever possible, say "Look, if there's one thing about me ... it's that I'm not real. And I don't like real people. If I'm anything, I'm just really really really not real."
• Avoid establishing friendships / partnerships at all.
• Establish a friendship / partnership that you make insanely obvious to everyone NOT in said friendship / relationship.
• Truthfully tell someone that you love him/her. Optional: continuously repeat "I mean it."
• "Y'all can talk to me all you want, but I'm not gonna open up. I'm NOT gonna put myself out there." Say that ... a lot. And mean it.
  
• Ask "What are the right reasons to be here?" When someone answers, respond with "Oh. Well that doesn't sound like me at all. Come to think of it, I am here for all the exact opposite reasons you just mentioned."
• Don't wear pants. (Obvious I know, but I want this list to be complete.)

Ladies, contestant, this is the final tribe has spoken you're fired.

How to buy the Beats by Dre ControlTalk cord only

I did it. I beat the Internet. In August of 2010, I scoured the Internet to buy this cord only. I didn't want the headphones. I just wanted the male-to-male cord that has the play/pause and the volume up/down control (aka ControlTalk) that comes with the Beats by Dre Solo and Solo HD headphones.



After a hard target search, I reached out to Flickr, Twitter, Facebook and even the Nerdist forum. No one knew how to buy this thing.

Well I figured it out. If you want to buy the Monster Beats by Dre ControlTalk cord only, just ...

1. Call Monster at 1 877 800-8989
2. Press 2 for Customer Service
3. Press 1 for Headphones
4. Press 2 to be connected to Sales
5. Tell the sales person that eventually picks up that you want a replacement ControlTalk cord

The cord costs about $35 plus shipping and ships from California. Apparently you can only order by phone at the moment - so much for the decade of the Internet, eh?

You're welcome.

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Actually Picks a Girl

I can't remember a more polarizing final pair of contestants. I still really can't figure out what Brad sees in Chantel. Let's find out who he freaks out about less. It better be Emily.

• South Africa photographs well.
• Brad's crying. Was it The Chad? The Chad. The Chad.
• Brad standing next to Chad is a weird experiment in working out and not working out. It's like if P90x before and after photos could hug each other.
• I really wanted Brad to introduce Chantel as Chantel O.
• Chantel "just knew" when she first saw Brad? Was this before or after slapping him in the face?
• Wes is the younger brother? He doesn't look it or sound it at all.
• Chantel: "I do honestly feel in my heart of hearts that at the end of the day Brad and I will be together." Uuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh.
• I get why Emily's history has come up so often, but she's not the only one that used to have a husband. Why does Chantel's history come up so little?
• The Chad: "Emily is poised. She is extremely poised."
• Emily is clearly winning the meet-the-family round. I don't think I remember such a one-sided opinion at this stage of the last episode.
• Shark swimming time. I wonder if Chantel thinks sharks are afraid of cleavage.
• 
• Spoiler alert! The sharks kill no one. Especially Chantel.
• Is Chantel a cartographer? That is a really good looking map.
• Chantel just did 2 things. 1) She said "I choose you." 2) She cheered her own love letter. Allow me to retort. 1) No shit you choose Brad. He is THE Bachelor. There is no one else to choose. 2) Booooooooooooooooooo!
• Hey Brad, FYI I'd be fine with you never calling Chantel "Channy" again.
• Oh thank God. 70 minutes in and we hadn't had a helicopter ride. I was starting to twitch.
• F you, Dr. Scholls!
• Emily wins. What a cutie pie.
• 
• Oh no. She's grilling Brad about Riki. Not good. Even with her cute face.
• Defeated. Huh. Well that went ... not goodly.
• It's time the curtain opening / leaning on balcony / staring longingly into the ocean / walk across the hotel property montage.
• Crap. He's picking Chantel, isn't he?
• If "amazing" means "gaudy", then yes that ring is amazing, Brad.
• Chantel holds the dress on the hanger in front of her body. Good call, Chantel. Wouldn't want to just put that dress on willy nilly. PS there's a peacock on your right shoulder.
• How will they play it this year? Chantel is first out of the limo, but there's no telling what that means.
• He's starting his Chantel speech on the positive tip ... usually not good for ending on the positive tip.
• He skips "... but" and goes for "... and here's where it gets tough." Ouch. I might actually feel bad for Chantel right now.
• Lesson learned, ladies: don't give it up in an open air bedroom in the middle of a South African safari.
• 14 year age difference between these love birds. Wild.
• I think Big Swayze just pulled the same tie adjustment move with Emily as he did on the last final rose ceremony with Newnan and what's her face. Odd.
• Well done, you two. You steered through a lot of crazy chicks and drama to get here.

Congrats to Mr. and Mrs. Big Swayze. And Little Riki Swayze. Adios, amigo! I'll catch up on after the final rose here shortly.

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Tells All

Let's get through the awkward interviews so we can jump to the finale. Head down. Power through!

• Apparently Harrison has to whistle and snap at the ladies like they're dogs in order to get them to stop berating Michelle. Awesome.
• The setting for Brad and Harrison's interview is fantastic. The fire in the background is more romantic than anything I've ever done in my life.
• Madison was affectionately called "Fangs" across the country? I can think of about four things wrong with that last sentence.
• I'll go on Shawntel's awkward dinner conversation date any time. Or any date with Shawntel ... awkward or otherwise.
• Craziest parties ever: Bachelor reunions. I almost believe you, Chris.
• Did I just see Vienna flirt with Guard and Protect Your Heart?
• Roslyn. Good times. If she's hooking up with the help, imagine how many peeps she's hooking up with at these parties.
• Vienna: "I get along with the guys really well." Isn't that girl code for "females tend to hate me?" Also I can think of one guy she did not get along with well at all.
• Ali and Roberto are still together. Color me surprised.
• I like that Ashley H dyed her face the same color as her hair.
• Who is this giant necklaced girl defending Michelle?
• Wow, these girls have imagined and rehearsed what they're saying in this moment for a long long time.
• Harrison enjoys cat fights.
• 
• Fangs' time off has treated her well. She's looking foxy or fangy or ... something.
• Wait. Melissa is from Florida? Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhocking. Vienna must be proud.
• Melissa and Rachel are both insane, but I don't see how anyone considers Melissa to be the instigator in this cat fight.
• Rachel pulls out the blow-hardiest of blow-hard moves ... using the word sorry while not actually apologizing for anything. As in ... "Of course I'm sorry ... sorry I let Melissa's pizza breath affect me. Sorry I got kicked off the show because of Melissa. And sorry I didn't punch her in the face on my way out."
• Michelle's crying before she even sits down.
• "I was there for the right reasons" and "I left my daughter at home" count is at 3 and 3 already.
• Jackie's one small eye, one big eye face has to be how she lands all the guys.
• 
• Right reasons count is up to 4. Where was her daughter during the show again? I can't remember.
• And we're tied 4-4. She left her daughter at home! Reasons!
• Michelle: "I can't even breathe." Audience: applause break. "Maybe if we clap, she'll start breathing."
• Would these girls be ripping into Emily about leaving her daughter (at home I would imagine, but I can't say for sure) if she were here?
• I forgot that Ashley S was the kicked in the heart/stomach/face girl. Still sounds painful. And difficult to execute.
• Harrison's best interview killer question of the night so far: "Do you think you deserve to be happy?" Chris, the interview kiiiiiiller!!
• And Harrison ups the ante with Ashley H: "Do you think YOU ruined this relationship?" Chris, the interview kiiiiiiiiiller!!
• Ashley says "brunettes have more fun." What is the deal with proving how much fun you have and then crediting your hair color for said fun? Are you having fun? Good. Let's leave it at that and be happy.
• Big Swayze gets a standing O from the crowd. Weird.
• Thanks to their sponsorship of abc.com, I will never buy a Dr. Scholl's product ever. Advertising sometimes has the opposite effect they're going for.
• Blooper reel. Good times. All these contestants are actually real people. Who knew?

No regrets. Texas forever. Let's finish this season.

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 9

Nine? Nine episodes? I feel we've come so ... what's the opposite of far? Well once again I'm playing catch up and let's see if I can jog my memory. The girl I loved and the girl I loved to hate both got the boot leaving ... the girl I seriously dislike, the girl who is probably too good for Brad and ... someone else.

• South Africa! Yowwwwwww! Partaaayyyyyyyy! Has anyone ever said that before?
• Apparently the big cliff hanger this week will be "can I talk to you for a sec?" uttered during the rose ceremony. Hold onto your hats, everybody! There's going to be talking.
• Brad travels with two roller suitcases AND a duffel bag ... which he simply carries with one hand or the other. Get a strap or a backpack or something, dude.
• Chantel recap ... cry, cry, barf. Barf, barf, hug. Hug, cry, barf.
• Ashley recap ... fun, fun, mess. Awkward, awkward, cry. Mess, insecure, awkward.
• Emily recap ... wonderful, awesome, awesome. Nice, normal, nice. Weirded, out, Brad.
• Safari time, Chantel. Sorry, though. No helicopter this time. I'll understand if you cry. Or barf.
• Brad in a safari hat / tevas and Chantel in her jean shorts / cons. Perfect couple.
• Chantel just quoted Boston and I don't think she meant to and/or noticed. "Love is more than a feeling. I close my eyes and I drift awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy!" Okay maybe she only quoted the first part.
• Oh yeah! Overnight dates! The first euphemism for sex today courtesy of Chantel: "... and hoping that he's gonna want me to hang out a little later tonight than the normal dinner."
• Why does Chris get dragged into all these overnight date cards?
• So so so many cliches that I hate coming from these two: "It is what it is." "Your word is your word." "What happens in the fantasy suite stays in the fantasy suite." "Barf barf barf barf."
• These two are gonna bone in this tree house? They really might be in love.
• Yay, Emily! Welcome to the non-barf segment of this episode.
• He was in the tree house last night? Man, Brad, you are a dog. Or a hyena ... or some other Africa-appropriate animal.
• Still can't believe Emily is 24. Twenty four!
• All these elephants remind me ... If we're ever hanging out, be sure to ask me about my cousin Jake's time with some elephants in Thailand. The story involves elephant soccer and elephant painting. How's that for a tease?
• Dinner time. Emily. So likeable. So attractive. But seriously I would never be able to hang out with her and think she's younger than me. However, I would be able to not totally lose my cool around her ... unlike Brad. What happened to Big Swayze?
• Does Harrison actually hand write these fantasy suite cards? If so, how bizarre.
• The first fantasy suite denial in Bachelor history? Almost. But Emily is able to say "no boning" in an amazingly classy way. I expected nothing less from her.
• You know else loves jean shorts? Ashley. Hers are shorter though ... and rippy-er.
• If helicopters scare you this badly, I think there's about a billion other reality shows you should try out for before you try The Bachelor. Wipeout. Survivor. Fear Factor.
• Brad says "This is beautiful. It is by all definitions 'God's Window.'" How many definitions for God's Window are there, Brad?
• Dinner time. Brad's in on flannel friday.
• Has anyone else noticed that Ashley does this a lot?
• 
• I can't tell you how many great dates I've been on where I did this:
• 
• Not looking good, Ash.
• Chris said "welcome to the amazing country of South Africa" on all three cards. I'm starting to question that he wrote these himself.
• I really could have handled more euphemisms for sex tonight. Like 10 more ... instead of just the 1 I got from Chantel.
• So there's a decent chance that Chantel was the only girl that gave it up. Swayze is really off his game.
• Huge is back. This week was a huge week apparently.
• Harrison and Brad rebound greatly this week ... suit wise. Well done, both.
• "Evening" seems to be very bright in South Africa. It's like the opposite of Alaska ... except it's the same ... cuz it's on the other hemisphere.
• Emily looks wonderful as always and is patenting the double crossed hands stance. Stop copying her, Chantel!
• 
• Talk time with Ashley. Is he considering Ashley over Chantel? Or is he bypassing the rose ceremony entirely? Brad hates rules!
• Rose ceremony be damned! You should have answered those questions, Ashley. Can't quite figure out what "those questions" were/are because Brad refuses to ask them, but still big mistake not answering them, Ash.
• Good call, Brad. You totally stole Chris' last rose thunder with the early dismissal of Ashley. Brad hates rules!
• And the most awkward toast of the season is actually handled pretty well by Swayze. Well played, Brad.

Next week, we get to meet Brad's family in their home to--no, wait. Scratch that. We get to meet Brad's family in Cape Town. It'll be just like home, I'm sure. Scratch THAT even. Women tall all next week. Especially Michelle, I'm sure.

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 8

Home town time. Home team time. Huge town team! Go go go.

• Brad's fashion statement this week: Kangol hats. Keep it spicy, Brad.
• Oh it's recap time. Let me guess. Chantal cries. Ashley's mostly a mess. Shawntel is cute. Emily has a daughter. Did I miss anything?
• Chantal: "Today's my hometown date with Brad and I feel just as crazy ... as I did back in Anguilla." She admitted it! She's crazy! (That's how you use an ellipsis, people.)
• Chantal's pets' names are: Jinxy, Bailey and Boca. Boca means mouth. I don't know what to read from that.
• Meeting a woman's father ... also huge. Huge is back. Huge is huge.
• Chantal: "It's really huge to go to [my parents' house] today." Going to houses is huge. I'm learning so much.
• Oh yeah, Ando with the research again. Check out Chantal's dad's biz here.
• If The Bachelor is any indication, I have NOT spent enough time sitting outside with a blanket wrapped around me.
• I just realized that Brad asked Mr. O'Brien if he thinks Chantal is ready to settle down. He does know she was previously married, right?
• Props to Chantal's mom for at least trying to get her forehead to move.
• 
• Brad wakes up in Maine and says to himself, "Wool socks. Check. Flannel. Check. Leather jacket. Check. What's missing? Fingerless gloves. Yes. I need me some fingerless gloves for my visit to Maine."
• Little bit of a contrast between Chantal's family's house and Ashley's family's house. For starters, Ashley's family's house doesn't have 2 giant marble staircases in the foyer.
• Is it weird that I noticed Ashley's sister's teeth before her tattoos? Ashley is a dentist for Pete's sake. This is like a fireman's brother not having smoke detectors. Or a mechanic's brother that hasn't had his oil changed in 6,000 miles. Or a tattoo artist's sister not having any tattoos. Oh. Maybe it sorta makes sense.
  
• So far home town dates are a great success. Michelle must be pissed. I actually kinda miss hearing her negative take on all the other girls.
• Time to get morbid with Shawntel's date. So far the date is very echoey. And casket filled.
  
• Hard for me to deny that I wouldn't be a little weirded out too.
• No date really gets cookin' until someone says "aneurysm hook." ... And we're off!
• I'm confused by the hair colors of the Newton daughters. Is it possible to have natural brunettes and blonds in the same fam?
• There are 2 kinds of houses on this earth. Those with bird cages. And those without.
• 
• We're 30 seconds into Emily's date and I'm pretty sure it's going to be fair to name this date "Shy Time."
• 10 more minutes have passed ... Shy ... Time. Maybe you should have shaved the beard, Brad.
• Some dates involve aneurysm hooks, others involve games of Candylands. Just depends on the day.
• Weird play from Brad here. Make your move, man. Or call your shrink. Or both.
  
• Emily. So likeable. I get the feeling Brad is gonna blow it with her in the end though.
• I appreciate the Vaseline lens they put on the recaps of all the home town dates. Helps me understand that these are flashbacks.
• Harrison. I just don't know what to say about this outfit.
• 
• Also I appreciate the color coordination and blinking coordination of the ladies.
• 
• First rose goes to Ashley. He liked those fries with gravy I guess.
• Holy crap, Chris. Leave us alone! You were just here! Let us miss you a little.
  
• Wow. Shawntel, I'm moving to Chico and I'll lay down on your embalming table any time. Please be gentle with the aneurysm hook. It's my first time.
• Brad, you just sent home Shawntel while Ashley and Chantal remain upstairs. You're aware of this, yes?

Well, another bad decision in the books. We'll see what Brad's able to screw up in South Africa next week!

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 7

Time to play some catch up. What exotic location are they in this week? Oh yeah. Anguilla (pronunciation optional). Get it on!

• Anguilla loves steel drums. Or it's pronounced stayl drums? Stee-ahll drums? Seriously someone figure out how to say Anguilla.
• Holy shit! 4 dates! This is crazy town!
• Can we take Britt on a sandwich date? Or 4? Cuz that girl needs to eat. Did this just happen? Or did it take me this long to notice her Skeletor body?
• Helicopter. Oh joy. Excitement. Thrills. For real, at this point, Brad going on a helicopter should received the same emotional reaction as when he runs out of toothpaste. Or buys cereal at the grocery store. Or moves his left arm. Who really cares.
• Outside of the helicopter ride, Brad and Emily's date involved sitting in one spot on the beach for hours? I guess that's true love?
• Oh, change of venue. Good. Otherwise this date really would have sucked as far as Bachelor dates go. They all have helicopter rides so that's a moot point. No shopping spree? No repelling? Emily should be pissed.
• Word of the day ... is "huge." This adjective can be applied to ... 1 on 1 dates, meeting families, meeting Emily's daughter, Michelle's ego and Britt's appetite. Well maybe not the last one.
• Brad drops the rose guarantee on Emily during the date. Is this a Bachelor first? Where's Harrison when you need him?
• Onto Shawntel's date ... somehow Farmer's Markets make Shawntel "trip out a little bit." Embalming dead bodies on the other hand ... no problem.
• Shawntel's evening date features near-matching purple shirt and dress. I'm gonna say not into it.
• Props to Ando for a sneak peek of Shawntel's family and family business. Apparently Shawntel cut bangs at one point. Bangs are huge. What? Huge doesn't apply here? Damn. I thought I was onto something.
• "We are about to have a concert by none other than Bankie Banx," says Brad. My response: "Huh." If I could cue Bald Bryan's "WHO!?" drop, I'd do so now.
  
• "Probably the most famous singer in Anguilla ... if not the entire Caribbean." Whatever you say, Swayze.
  
• Are the other people at his party paid extras? Where did they all come from?
• I agree with Ando ... Shawntel's super giant tattoo makes for nice symmetry with Brad's super giant tattoo.
• No place to graciously fit this in ... Shawntel's sister did not cut bangs ... and is blond ... and thinks posing on top of bars is huge.
• Onto Britt's date ... swimming out to a yacht sounds like a good time. No, wait. A huge time. Yeah. Swimming out to yachts is huge.
• Michelle says she couldn't even see Brad and Britt being friends on Facebook. Can we just have her host the show at this point? She gets all the confessional time as it is.
• Is this a muscle or a bone? I think Britt might be some sort of anatomical case study.
• 
• Let's just say ... Britt is not getting the rose guarantee during this date.
• Uh oh. They're playing the somber guitar tune during dinner ... usually reserved for the rose ceremony aftermath.
  
• Oh it's awkward. Brad's honesty is insane. The dude is honest ... and huge. Am I using it right yet?
• "I think it's time to say goodbye. Now let me guide you off the yacht to the rejection boat." Bszzzhhbbbbbbbbbbbbb. (That was my attempt to type out the sound of a outboard motor boat. Trust me it played in my head.)
• Ashley says "I think from here on out, there's going to be a lot of heartbreak." From here on out? Have you or have you not been on the show thus far?
• Hey Ashley, it's 2am. And you're indoors. There's really no need to shield your eyes from the sun.
• 
• In case you missed it on the news stands, here's the end result of the shoot.
• Did they booze Ashley up? Cuz she seems ... uninhibited.
• I believe all Michelle convos go like this. Good times / flirty times -> discussion of some serious flaws in the idea of Brad and Michelle as a couple -> Michelle agrees with the flaws -> Michelle somehow twists the flaws into a positive that Brad totally buys into.
• You know what I like about Ashley most? Her confidence. Her confidence is huge. Still not right? C'mon now!
• Chantal's confidence is also huge.
• Michelle, Emily and Shawntel have this thing locked up. They've maintained their cool all season. How can Brad possibly pick Chantal or Ashley after all this mess? Imagine Brad picking Ashley or Chantal. And then he spends all his days convincing Ashley and Chantal that he actually likes them. No way. That's not the Swayze I know.
• I wouldn't mind talking to Brad's shrink after this disaster of a date. What's the time difference in Anguilla?
• Barefoot cocktail party ... cancelled! Please tell me he sends Chantal home. Please, Brad. Don't make me beg.
• Chantal opened the season by slapping you ... and by my count has spent the rest of the season crying. Real catch, that Chantal.
  
• I can't believe I'm rooting for Michelle.
• Holy crap, the unofficial host of The Bachelor is out. I think the lesson we can all take away here is ... when given the opp to take your top off in a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue photo shoot ... in Anguilla ... while also filming The Bachelor ... you should probably do it. That opportunity is huge.
• I kid I kid!
• Let's hear it for the shortest farewell word count in Bachelor history.

Next episode: let's get creepy in the mortuary! What else could you ask for?

Top 10 Best Shortest Songs of All Time

As I was listening to "King of The Rodeo" by Kings of Leon for the 434th time (literally), I found myself loving the song even more because it's only 2:26 long. They didn't bother taking the song's greatness and bleeding it out for 4:30. Put down the brilliance of the song and then end the song when it's over.

So I ran some numbers and was amazed at home many good short songs there are on my iTunes library.

• 3 stars or better under 3:00 - 334 songs
• 3 stars or better under 2:45 - 208 songs
• 3 stars or better under 2:30 - 131 songs
• 4 stars or better under 2:30 - 32 songs

Wow. Apparently KoL isn't the only band tuned into the short song theory (although they represent a pretty hefty portion of the list).

So let's hand pick the 10 best (limiting the choices to songs on my library and limiting selections to one song per artist).

1. King of The Rodeo - Kings of Leon - 2:26
2. See Through Head - The Hives - 2:22
3. Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland, Illinois - Sufjan Stevens - 2:09
4. Communion Cups and Someone's Coat - Iron & Wine - 2:03
5. Never Going Back Again - Fleetwood Mac - 2:14
6. Don't Panic - Coldplay - 2:17
7. Jesus On The Radio - Guster - 2:17
8. Ain't No Sunshine - Bill Withers - 2:05
9. Explosivo - Tenacious D - 1:55
10. Tie between My N****z - DMX - 1:05 and B.I.G. Interlude - Notorious B.I.G. - 0:48

Honorable mentions:

• Double Rainbow Song - The Gregory Brothers - 1:31
• Standard Lines - Dashboard Confessional - 2:27
• Lovestain - Jose Gonzalez - 2:17
• Loretta Lee Jones - Langhorne Slim - 2:23
• Hurry Up Let's Go - Shout Out Louds - 2:19
• Rip It Up - Razorlight - 2:25
• Summer Candy - Ben Rector - 2:19
• Nitro (Youth Energy) - The Offspring - 2:27
• Blood and Treasure - Bear Hands
• Natalie's Rap - The Lonely Island - 2:27
• I'm A Cucumber - Brak - 0:21

What'd I miss?

Composed at a bar: The Quintissential 90s Rock Band List

This list was composed by Dan, Zach, Luke and Jill at a bar. And is subject to your judgment.

Live
Pearl Jam
Tool
Nirvana
STP
Sound garden
Bush
NIN
Filter
Rage
Alice in chains
Smashing pumpkins
Green Day
Weezer
Foo Fighters
Marilyn Manson

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 6

Well another week has passed and I've all but forgotten where we are in the season, who's left on the show, etc. Harrison, help me out! Crap. Tivo malfunction during the first 5 minutes of the show. Guess I'll have to fill in the blanks with guesswork. They've all moved from their ridiculously luxurious place in Vegas to a ridiculously luxurious location somewhere else. Hot Mom is still angry at everything in the world except Brad. And Brad has transitioned from hoodies to vests to something else. How'd I do?

• Chantal seems to have landed herself a date.
• There are really still a lot of girls left on this show. Let's get to cutting, Brad. You're slipping.
• Oh boy. A helicopter ride. I can barely contain my excitement. Yay. Wee. Woo. Boring. Lame. Barf.
• Hot Mom just called someone ELSE egotistical ... and Emily NAILED the non-verbal reaction to said comment. Emily scores points even when she's not talking!
• Deep thoughts pre-zip-lining: "I wonder if the rain makes you go faster." Don't hurt your brain too early on the date, Brad.
  
• Chantal knows that Brad himself did not actually set up the picnic himself, right?
• Here's what I've learned today: Brad is unable to discern when it is raining or not. He's asked "IS it raining?" at least twice on this date alone.
• Also Chantal's blue top thingy to white button-up shirt outfit change ... was a downgrade, Brad. You're wrong, sir.
• Confessional time with Hot Mom reveals ... she is a make up wizard, but the wizard took the day off.
• Chantal says "this is by far the best rose." No shit, Chantal. Are you sure the rose on episode 1 or episode 2 wasn't better?
• Group date time! Do you think Brad double checked with the producers to ask if any of the ladies had husbands that died while repelling? After the last group date, I sure would have.
• Michelle actually has a legitimate point. They made a pact and that pact is now broken. Chances this has any effect whatsoever on Michelle's desire to possess Brad's soul: 0.0%
• My top 2 ladies are the 2 that go first and have a great time doing it. I'm proud of Shawntel and Britt ... and me ... for liking them.
• Bathing suit time causes Michelle to swear ... and do it in such a way that I have no idea what she said. I mean I have some idea, but she really could have telegraphed her swear better if she wanted us to know what she said.
• You know how you can be assured you're about to say something bitchy? By saying "I don't say this to be a bitch ... at all." Well played, Michelle.
• Oh boy. Time for some great TV: the bug freak out segment ... which they actually made awesome by transitioning it into Brad and Michelle's OoOT. That was pretty legitimately great. Someone get that editor a raise.
• BTW, OoOT means one on one time. And BTW means by the way.
• Time for Alli's boobs' date -- er, I mean Alli's date. Wow, Alli.
• Did Brad ride up with horses AND mini-horses? Did Rob Dyrdeck co-produce this episode?
• So ... Brad and Alli are NOT getting married during the 59th minute of the 6th episode of the season!? I'm sick of your wordplay, trickery and lies, Brad! You said altar! Altar!
• The Sports Gal says they weren't showing the girls' ages earlier in the season ... but they certainly are now. And Alli is 24 ... a fact which I don't think is helping her case with Brad at this exact moment.
• The no-rose OoOD. Oh it's awkward. It's awkward, it's awkward. Let's distract ourselves by figuring out what OoOD stands for. Crap I already know cuz I made it up.
• And just when it couldn't get any more awkward, Brad sends her off with "bye, okay?"
• Kudos to Michelle for not walking out of the house to watch the cab driver take Alli's suitcase away. Once he took the suitcase at all, I think we all knew what was going to happen.
• Yes! The Denver local news is just as bad as the Tucson local news! "At 10, how allergies can prevent certain kinds of cancer."
• So Michelle shows up at Swayze's room after Alli's date ... kinda like Rated Injured showed up at Ali's bachelorette house. Why haven't these rogue meet ups occurred more often?
• Risky play here, Michelle. Consciously talking shit about other ladies has not fared well for the shit talkers in the history of The Bachelor.
• Chantal's "Jane" outfit ... not working. Not at all. No.
  
• Brad brilliantly follows up "it is what it is" by saying "it just is what it is." I might need to update my previous post. And force Brad to read it at gun point.
• Sign a conversation is going very badly: when each sentence begins by saying the other person's name. Michelle, you sat there and listed out the women that were going to stay and were going to leave. Brad, you asked me to. Michelle, you've had better make up days. Brad, I'm going to force myself to cry now so it seems like I have a soul.Utah , get me two! (C'mon, it's been a while ... and it totally plays cuz she's actually from Utah! Bang.)
• Shawntel's "super hot" outfit ... working. Well. Yes.
• Shawntel's quiet game ... working even better. I'm legitimately smitten right now ... with both of them.
• Ooooooo except that kiss was a little gross ... BUT we have a full recovery with Brad's silent celebratory fist pump. Please tell me I'm not alone here in Smiletown. Smile. Town.
  
• Chantal, I appreciate your sleuthing skills, but you already have a rose. How about you just sit back and enjoy your evening of trying to look like a cheetah in Costa Rica.
• Let me paraphrase Harrion's pre-rose ceremony prep talk ... "it's going to suck even worse than normal for the one girl here that ends up going home tonight. Good luck, Ashley."
• Well I (and Harrison) got that one wrong. Ashley gets the first rose. Britt, dive for a rose now. Just take one!
• Woo hoo! Britt stays alive ... which means Jackie is gonzo.
• We all know Michelle gets the rose from last week's previews. How dumb do the producers think we are? Don't answer that.
• Jackie surprises everyone with an amazingly graceful exit. Huh. Tears and pity party kept to a minimum. Wild.

Next week we find out how to pronounce Anguilla ... cuz Brad sure doesn't know. Bradley doesn't know.

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 5

In the words of Bill O'Reilly ... F it. We'll do it live! We'll do it LIVE! Tonight features Brad's worst Oprah impression, the most awkward and insensitive date in Bachelor history (that's me saying that, not Harrison) and more freak outs from pretty much everyone involved. Freak out!

• Things you learn while watching live - schools are closed in Denver. All of them. But that doesn't stop ABC from scrolling every school name in existence across the ticker. Seems like this data would be pretty well convyed via a website.
• "The dreaded 2-on-1 date" ... how great is it that they advertise the date as horrible. Guaranteed.
• Your first destination on this journey ... is a town roughly 5 hours away by car that I bet you've all visited on your own. Please freak out like they're sending you to Dubai.
• I'm amazed they could craft all these shots of Aria and City Center in Vegas without featuring any of the cranes and construction that is entirely on hold all around their casino.
• Hey look, everyone. It's Marissa. She like sports! And she's still on the show. Crazy on both counts, right?
• As if "... end tonight with a bang" wasn't forward enough, I hope Shawntel N's card said "Let's 'N' tonight with a bang." Nothing pairs better than puns AND sexual innuendo.
• Brad has traded in his hoodie for a vest. Count me not into it.
• Shawntel describes her shopping spree as "little kids in a candy shop ... or adults in a mall ... yeah, that's probably more accurate."
• Brad's "this is yours" routine really could have been better.
• Kudos to the producers ... show and tell after the shopping spree ... I'm surprised no one has been thrown through one of those giant plate glass windows.
• Brad is "fascinated" with embalming. Really, Brad? Really?
• So many quotes from this date: "Where would this leakage occur?" "Think of all our orifices." "I'm gonna have to meet Peaches."
• Oh I get it. They N'ded the night with a bang ... cuz fireworks make sounds. Good one, ABC.
• It's time for some serious Ashley on Ashley violence via the 2-on-1 date, but first let's get awkward.
• I take it back. Let's not get awkward. This is too horrible to even comment on.
• Holy crap, Emily is the greatest female ever (next to my mom and sister of course). She prefaced her story about her husband's death with "I don't want you to think I'm ungrateful."
• And then she drives the car! And likes it! How does Brad not take her to the final 2 after this?
• Even Michelle has put her hate away for this one. Maybe she does have a soul.
• Oh boy. Alli just stamped her ticket to H-E-double-hockey-sticks with 4 words: "We all have problems."
• This date is about ... feelings. Unfunny feelings.
• Oh wait, Michelle put her sole away, bashed the other girls and made the move on Brad. We're back.
• Did anyone else notice the Ashleys perfectly matched their steps coming out of their room? What the H. Distinguish yourselves, ladies! Distinguish yourselves!
• Brad is going to make Ashley perform again? First Seal and now performing in Vegas. She's the one girl where non-date days are more fun than date days.
• I think Ashley just said "perfact." BTW I've stopped trying to differentiate them ... since they have too.
• Now that they're on wires, I'm suddenly wishing Michelle was on this date.
• I know what would calm these ladies' nerves before they perform in front of 2,000 people and then potentially get sent home: dinner!
• And the loser is ... Ashley. Awww, that makes Ashley the winner! Congratulations and sorry, Ashley.
• Ashley: "I feel like I just got punched in the stomach ... and the heart." I think I saw that move in Enter The Dragon.
• Today's therapy take-away: Brad's therapist has a wired land line phone! Was there a bigger message I should have received?
• Living in a Subway-free town, I feel like these $5 foot long Subway commercials are punching me in the face ... and the heart.
• Now Chantel is bitching about Emily's alone time ... do these girls not understand the situation? Imagine if Shawntel was a widow whose husband died at a mall. Do you think they'd get it then? Too far? Fine, I'm sorry. There's just not a ton to work with on this ep.
• Hey, Britt! I miss you. Hi, Britt. Hey there.
• So wait ... does Michelle think these other girls are right for Brad? Or no? She's very wishy washy.
• Can a lady help me out with these new commercials for Beyaz ... is this that other product I remember called Yaz? And now it's decided to be ... yaz? Beyaz? Is it like when a caterpillar turns into a butterfly? Except with birth control?
• Do you think Brad still reads all of Marissa's little notes even after not giving her a rose? Do you think each note has a fun fact about sports? Marissa likes sports!
• And the other person that didn't get a rose was someone named Lisa. Lisa ... you won't be missed. Woops -- will ... will be missed! What'd I say, won't? Wow.
• The walk out of the gigantic hotel room, down the hallway, into the elevator, down the elevator, through the casino, into the lobby and into the parking area is probably a lot longer than the walk out of the Malibu house ... just a guess.

Next week: somewhere to actually get excited about - Costa Rica! It means rich coast in English. It also means Michelle's giant boobs in Polish and awkward looking cliff dive in Mandarin. And apparently Michelle gets to hang out with her own kind in a later episode: sharks! (See cuz she's mean ... and can't get cancer.) Until next week.

Luke's Top Albums of 2010

Podcasts continually play a larger part in my listening life (only 1,107 songs auditioned in 2010 vs. 1,712 in 2009), but my tune time this year yielded some great biz. If you missed out on my 2009 picks, click here.

Albums I Missed From 2009

Ghostland Observatory - Papparazzi Lighting. I caught these guys in concert a few weeks ago and that was the final push I needed to really appreciate this album. I like last.fm's description of them: "They are not a band, but an agreement between two friends to create something that not only heals their beat-driven hearts, but pleases their rock ‘n roll souls."

Pretty Lights - Filling Up The Skies, Vol. 2. This DJ out of Denver is really popular among snowboarders and skiers around Aspen and rightfully so. Just check out "Finally Moving Remix" and I think you'll get it. Or better yet go shred Aspen Mountain on a snowboard while listening to this and you'll really get it.

Ra Ra Riot - The Rhumb Line. Nothing too deep to say here other than this is a compilation of very catch tunes. My fav is "Each Year."

With that, let's get to the meat of 2010 ordered into tiers of Untouchables, Must Haves, and Gold Plated Diapers

2010 Untouchables

If you don't have these albums, you're only hurting yourself. You're basically kicking yourself in the shin continuously until you own and listen to these albums.

The Tallest Man on Earth - Everything He's Ever Put Out. That's not the name of an album, but really you should just go get everything that the man known as Kristian Matsson has put out. Some have compared him to Bob Dylan, but I don't think that's fair to TMoE at all after Dylan's Grammy performance. Oh and if you get a chance to see him live, it's a must see show. There are no options.

Kings of Leon - Come Around Sundown. My favorite band of the last 5 years puts out an album every 2 years it seems ... which contributes heavily to my ongoing like for the KoL. Some have ripped this album for being "stadium rock" and not as hard as their previous albums. Whatever the mood or the genre is ... here's my take. If KoL albums were mountain ranges, this album is a nice 10,000 foot plateau as opposed to a series of 14,000 foot jagged peaks. The whole album is great.

Local Natives - Gorilla Manor. This LA band likes to sing "oh woah" a lot ... and it plays every time. Take the first track for instance ... As I said in a tweet earlier this year ... "The first 40 seconds of every song wishes it was as good as this one."

Must Haves

Get these too. Let's stop fooling around.

Bear Hands - Golden EP. I saw these guys open for We Were Promised Jetpacks and, wow, these 4 dudes from Brooklyn lay it down. Fun fact: their lead singer hangs out stage right while their bass player (who doesn't do vocals) gets the front and center spot. It plays.

Ben Rector - Into The Morning. Another discovery via opener. Ben opened for Mr. Dave Barnes and wouldn't ya know it he has some great singer/songwriter tunes. And he's hilarious. Here's video evidence captured via my Flip cam.

Dave Barnes - What We Want, What We Get. Yaaaaaaay Barnes is back. Easily one of my favorite singer/songwriters of the last decade - his previous album kinda/sorta missed the mark with me ... but not this one. "Barnes killed it tonight."

Mayer Hawthorne - A Strange Arrangement. The third "opener" on the list. I caught this guy open for John Mayer over NYE in Vegas and enjoyed myself a lot, but not nearly as much as when I saw them later at the Mile High Music Festival. He's a white guy that pretty much writes Motown songs ... and I welcome all of them.

Tokyo Police Club - Champ. This album opens strong with 2 songs that start with the word "Favourite" and they even work in a 3rd unnecessary "ou" word with "Colour" on track 2. Rock. Indie. I'm not quite sure how to categorize these guys outside of really good.

Gold Plated Diapers

The best of the rest.

Frightened Rabbit - The Winter of Mixed Drinks. Can you believe the list went this long without having a Scottish (correction) band? Well the wait's over. FR is back with another set of hits ... not as hitty as their previous album, but hitty nonetheless.

Mumford & Sons - Sign No More. I initially thought this guy's voice sounded exactly like that of Mr. Dave Matthews ... and then I realized "hey, no matter who this guy sounds like, there is some great music being played behind/by him." And then the whole world realized the same thing ... well maybe not the Dave Matthews part.

The Silver Seas - High Society and Chateau Revenge! Mr. Dave Barnes (previously mentioned in this blog) turned me onto these cats and these are 2 albums of catchy/poppy tunes. To answer the question posed in one of their best songs "What's The Drawback?" None. There is no drawback.

Sleigh Bells - Treats. This band is pretty far off my usual genre radar, but something about super bassy beats mixed with girls singing about whether or not they forgot their sunglasses works.

Spoon - Transference. Maybe the most indie predictable album on this list, but I can't leave it off. Slowly complicated building progressions of Who Makes Your Money and I Saw The Light need to be heard.

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 4

Let's slide this catch up session into home.

• Someone should ask Dr. Drew how one would get a black eye in the middle of the night. Someone make a note for later.
• As Ando pointed out earlier ... there are two words to describe Harrison's opening appearance tonight: cardigan fail.
• Chantal at the start of their date: "I'm getting picked up on a helicopter! How cool is that!?" F You, Chantal. You can go straight to hell til you die.
• Congratulations, producers on finding the ugliest, most lifeless plot of ocean in existence.
• 
• How is that none of Chantal's over abundance of blush has rubbed off on Brad's beige hoodie?
• Back at the homestead, Michelle is developing an Ali/Vienna complex with Chantal. The "I don't see how he can like me if he also likes her" complex makes very little sense in my tiny male brain.
• Finally a sneak peek into what actually goes on at Loveline. If you want a *real* peek, this is a wonderful video.
• Can't believe Mike is getting no love on this segment. Mike wore a pink tie and looked super serious throughout!
• 
• I'm giggling thinking of the typical Loveline calls that probably sandwiched all these heartfelt words from Brad that the girls drooled all over.
• This just in. Brad loves hoodies.
• Britt makes her move. She played The Bachelor like you're supposed to play Survivor. Fly low under the radar as long as possible ... and then pounce. She's sly.
• Look out, Michelle. Brad's here for your date. And he's wearing a hoodie.
• I bet Michelle wakes up every day and does this routine, but says something else: "Now, this whole house ... sucks. I can do anything annoying. I hate my housemates. I hate everything. I hate my Chantal. I hate my black eye. I hate talking about everyone other than me. I like my hair. I like my hair cuts. I hate this whole ... HOUSSSSSE! My whole house ... sucks. I can do anything annoying. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah."
• I'm a little excited to watch Michelle squirm during her repelling date.
• A Point Break quote comes to mind: "Some guys snort for it, other guys shoot a vein ... all you gotta do is jump."
• So the "babe" barrier has been broken thanks to adrenaline and a whole lotta rope. Great.
• PS I think that was Michelle and Brad's first kiss. Where are the fireworks, Michelle? Where are they!?!?
• Today's "bingo" session -- er, therapy session reveals the following: get it on!!! Gotta get it on. No choice but to get it on. Mandate: get it on.
• This is the worst cocktail party ever. I've spent the majority of it trying to remember the Twitter handles Patton Oswalt was raving about on Simmons' podcast. The gist I'm getting is that ladies are having a tough time feeling special and unique? Probably has to do with 10 of you trying to date the same dude.
• Uh oh. The bad ties are creeping back. On the bright side: no hoodie!
• 
• It must be a special kind of torture to share a first name on this show. "Ashleyyyyyyyyyy S." "Oh! So close!"
• Ashley H gets the rose instead of Horrible Shoes, Stacey and that Lindsay chick. Freak outs can pay off, ladies.

Next week, we rehash a lame segment from last season: forcefully putting people in live theatre! And we rehash a segment from this episode: excessive crying! Can't wait.

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 3

It's worth mentioning that the primary advertiser if you watch The Bachelor on ABC.com is Dr. Scholl's Custom Fit Orthotic Inserts. Are there a lot of guys and gals with flat feet that LOVE manufactured love and psychology-experiment-driven drama? Marketing continues to amaze me.

• Tonight on The Bachelor - more movie making fun. How jealous is Jake Pavelka right now?
• Also worth mentioning that Ando has been doing his research and makes a decent case for Hot Mom being a plant.
• Don't miss Hot Mom's blockbuster movie out soon! Featuring the worst tag line ever: "With Love, There Are Always Second Chances." Also in the running were "With Cheeseburgers, There Are Always Second Chances" and "With Death, There Are Always Second Chances."
• And REALLY don't miss her Twitter picture.
• 
• Ashley gets the first date this week and the honor of trying to look comfortable in the convertible whilst her hair flies absolutely everywhere.
• What's great about having to not only sing on the most pressure-filled date of your life is that you have to do it IN FRONT of a bunch of random MUSIC ENGINEERS and the song they chose for you is insanely difficult to sing ... AND they're going to bring in the actual singer to rub it in your face later.
• AND they both have shit for rhythm.
• Fun fact about Seal: he loves Aspen and visits often. I look forward to murdering Kiss From a Rose for him at Karaoke some day soon.
• Another fun fact: Ashley was ten when Kiss From a Rose came out. Ten! Ten years OLD!
• Date card says "Love Hurts." I'm guessing you're going to be taking turns kicking each other in the crotch. Or laying on beds of nails. Or maybe it was just a dumb cliche that the producers continue feel compelled to use and has nothing to do with pain at all.
• Group date time. The fun thing about episode 3 is you still swear this is your first time seeing some of these ladies. Sarah P ... did they sneak you into the show just for this scene?
• "Steven Ho: Action Director" ... I'm using that title at the next random party I'm at.
• Also, the fake camera cross hairs and timing clock are adding NOTHING to these scenes. What's even better is I guarantee that had to put this crap back in in post.
• 
• Someone please shut Hot Mom up. We get it. You don't like group dates. Stop explaining it in ridiculously stupid and timely ways.
• Did they just do a SECOND confessional where Michelle described fireworks during her and Swayze's first kiss? F this show. And Hot Mom.
• Chantal O's daddy confession paired with Ashley's ... was there a question on The Bachelor app that explicitly asked "How long has it been since you've seen your real father?" and they only accepted answers that were 5 years or greater?
• The make out session after the daddy confession is a strong move ... by Brad and Chantel both.
• Speaking of confessionals, it's time for Emily to send me straight to hell. Honestly I'm surprised I'm still typing right now.
• Okay really strike me down now. This is the saddest story ever. I need to go listen to "I Can't Make You Love Me If You Don't" to cheer up.
• Shawntel the dark horse is my new girl. I'm pulling for you, young lady.
• If I were to name someone Chantal, I think I'd go with ... Shantall? Chauwntehlle? Schwaun'taull? I think every girl in the country could be named Psh'e'ntoh'll and we could never have a repeat spelling.
• Holy crap, there's a typo in their shitty fake movie poster.
• 
• Time for Emily's date and the first thing Brad does is put her on a plane. Maybe I'll have a partner on my way to my eternity of burning.
• Actually that was the second thing Brad did. The first and third things he did were mess up Emily's hair thoroughly via two convertible rides. He hates well sculpted hair.
• Meanwhile, Vampire is having a bad day. But hey at least her skin isn't smoking while sitting out by the pool. It's also not shining like diamonds. Lesson learned: Twilight and True Blood are full of s.
• Wow Emily is down to earth and likeable. Really wow. Super crazy wow.
• And the other girls really are right about her likeness.
• My take away from Brad's shrink session: "Bingo." Wise words, sir. Wise words.
• More insanely wise words ... this time from Brad: "I'm gonna use tonight's cocktail party ... to talk to these ladies." You know what Brad is? He's an innovator.
• Chantal wears way too much make up. Not to be confused with Shawntel ... who is still my dark horse and has perfected the art of make up ... relatively.
• My dislike for Michelle has been upgraded to ... severe.
• I don't remember any convos like Vampire's and Ashley H's in previous seasons ... where both parties basically agree to not give/receive roses later. Bizarre.
• Hey Britt! Look at you. Your face made it onto this episode! Awesome.
• Hmmm, the rose ceremony is starting and there are 2 breaks left. Prepare for drama.
• And go. Vampire takes her exit. Back to modeling and odd dental choices I guess?
• Now ABC.com is showing commercials for The Bachelor ... during The Bachelor. Maybe they read my snark about the Dr. Scholl's ads?
• PS it seems pretty damn likely that Brad's possible final hug of the show is with Emily ... based on the fact that she's the only Barbie-haired girl left.
• Someone named Lindsey just got a rose. I love episode 3.
• Horrible Shoes again! Big Swayze is killing me.

Next episode, Dr. Drew and my boy Psycho Mike in the hizzzzzy! So stoked. And Ashley H attempts her best stalker Hot Mom routine. Jiggins.

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 2

2 episodes in one night. I'm on a Brad Bender. A Swayze Streak. A Harrison Happenstance. Shoulda stopped at 2? I agree. I'm open to other better alliteration injected synonyms for streak.

• I think Harrison was wearing acid washed jeans. Or maybe his jeans' parents were acid washed jeans.
• This is the look of a girl that isn't going on the one on one date ... and a possible murderer-to-be. Ashley on Ashley crime is becoming a real problem in this country.
• 
• I like that Brad felt the need to point out "we're at a carnival" after turning on the lights. Until then, I was pretty certain it was a library.
• In addition to learning a lot about himself in the last 3 years, Brad also learned a lot about not wearing horrible suits and ties. That's real growth right there, ladies.
• I'm excited to watch Hot Mom slowly melt down over the course of 3 or 4 episodes. It'll be like Natalie Portman in Black Swan. Except without all the violent nail clipping scenes.
• "One thing you should know about me is that I can't have a conversation without tilting my head to one side." -Ashley
• 
• Tonight on The Bachelor: the most dramatic, crescendo-filled ferris wheel kiss ever.
• Alli's title is "Apparel Merchant"? That means she works at Forever 21 or Hot Topic, right?
• Melissa has already mentioned quitting her job twice on this episode alone. Her eventual demise might be on the level of Hillary.
• Wow, Hot Mom, your 30th birthday kinda sucked compared to mine.
• Thank God for the cat sound effects when the girls were slapping each other. Otherwise I would have had no idea these 2 ladies were in a cat fight.
• I kind of like Britt. "I'm a big ol' prude - ehahaha."
• So Michelle stomps off and Brad says "If there's a problem, I'm going to address it. Check out the hook while my DJ assesses it." Or at least he said the first part.
• Meltdown #1: The Melissa Chronicles has begun. "You're acting like a 21-year-old!!" "I am seriously a 32-year-old talking to a 21-year-old right now!"
• Aaaaaand Meltdown #2: Hot Mom Hot Mess has also begun.
• 
• Jackie actually kinda makes me feel like I'm talking to a 21 year old ... or a 13 year old. Seriously she's still in Junior High, right?
• Oh no. The Hollywood Bowl. What sad sap of a performer is going to awkwardly perform for them? I hope it's Bieber ... or Miley Cyrus ... for Jackie's sake. Kids these days.
• Ugh, it's Train ... and not the cool Train from the One and a Half days. Would it kill them to play Sweet Rain?
• "The first night, let's face it. It was a little awkward." Big Swayze speaks the truth, people.
• I think Melissa and Raichel need to bone and get this over with. And maybe get into a hot wax fight after ... or during.
• Wait a minute. Horrible Shoes is still in the running? Come on, Brad.
• Seriously how are both Melissa and Raichel crying? You can't both be the victim, right?
• Speaking of victims, Ali and Roberto! Someone take a picture of Roberto before he starts sweating. And get a snap of Ali before she changes into something yellow!
• Congratulations to Sarah for getting a rose on the 2nd episode while somehow simultaneously making her first appearance of the season!
• I don't know why, but I'm pulling for Raichel. Team Man-scaper!
• PS I think Chantel N. is a real dark horse for going far this season.
• Horrible Shoes makes it to episode 3? Come ON, Brad!
• Yay, Britt! Boo, Raichel and Melissa! Just like paper beats rock, prude beats drama.
• Melissa, if you say "target" one more time, I'm going to make you talk to a 21 year-old.

Next week, more fun with movie making! And something short of fun with music making. Save us, Seal! And my one-way ticket to Hell gets triple-stamped as Emily tells us more about her husband. Awesome.