Monday, March 7, 2011

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 9

Nine? Nine episodes? I feel we've come so ... what's the opposite of far? Well once again I'm playing catch up and let's see if I can jog my memory. The girl I loved and the girl I loved to hate both got the boot leaving ... the girl I seriously dislike, the girl who is probably too good for Brad and ... someone else.
  • South Africa! Yowwwwwww! Partaaayyyyyyyy! Has anyone ever said that before?
  • Apparently the big cliff hanger this week will be "can I talk to you for a sec?" uttered during the rose ceremony. Hold onto your hats, everybody! There's going to be talking.
  • Brad travels with two roller suitcases AND a duffel bag ... which he simply carries with one hand or the other. Get a strap or a backpack or something, dude.
  • Chantel recap ... cry, cry, barf. Barf, barf, hug. Hug, cry, barf.
  • Ashley recap ... fun, fun, mess. Awkward, awkward, cry. Mess, insecure, awkward.
  • Emily recap ... wonderful, awesome, awesome. Nice, normal, nice. Weirded, out, Brad.
  • Safari time, Chantel. Sorry, though. No helicopter this time. I'll understand if you cry. Or barf.
  • Brad in a safari hat / tevas and Chantel in her jean shorts / cons. Perfect couple.
  • Chantel just quoted Boston and I don't think she meant to and/or noticed. "Love is more than a feeling. I close my eyes and I drift awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy!" Okay maybe she only quoted the first part.
  • Oh yeah! Overnight dates! The first euphemism for sex today courtesy of Chantel: "... and hoping that he's gonna want me to hang out a little later tonight than the normal dinner."
  • Why does Chris get dragged into all these overnight date cards?
  • So so so many cliches that I hate coming from these two: "It is what it is." "Your word is your word." "What happens in the fantasy suite stays in the fantasy suite." "Barf barf barf barf."
  • These two are gonna bone in this tree house? They really might be in love.
  • Yay, Emily! Welcome to the non-barf segment of this episode.
  • He was in the tree house last night? Man, Brad, you are a dog. Or a hyena ... or some other Africa-appropriate animal.
  • Still can't believe Emily is 24. Twenty four!
  • All these elephants remind me ... If we're ever hanging out, be sure to ask me about my cousin Jake's time with some elephants in Thailand. The story involves elephant soccer and elephant painting. How's that for a tease?
  • Dinner time. Emily. So likeable. So attractive. But seriously I would never be able to hang out with her and think she's younger than me. However, I would be able to not totally lose my cool around her ... unlike Brad. What happened to Big Swayze?
  • Does Harrison actually hand write these fantasy suite cards? If so, how bizarre.
  • The first fantasy suite denial in Bachelor history? Almost. But Emily is able to say "no boning" in an amazingly classy way. I expected nothing less from her.
  • You know else loves jean shorts? Ashley. Hers are shorter though ... and rippy-er.
  • If helicopters scare you this badly, I think there's about a billion other reality shows you should try out for before you try The Bachelor. Wipeout. Survivor. Fear Factor.
  • Brad says "This is beautiful. It is by all definitions 'God's Window.'" How many definitions for God's Window are there, Brad?
  • Dinner time. Brad's in on flannel friday.
  • Has anyone else noticed that Ashley does this a lot?
  • I can't tell you how many great dates I've been on where I did this:
  • Not looking good, Ash.
  • Chris said "welcome to the amazing country of South Africa" on all three cards. I'm starting to question that he wrote these himself.
  • I really could have handled more euphemisms for sex tonight. Like 10 more ... instead of just the 1 I got from Chantel.
  • So there's a decent chance that Chantel was the only girl that gave it up. Swayze is really off his game.
  • Huge is back. This week was a huge week apparently.
  • Harrison and Brad rebound greatly this week ... suit wise. Well done, both.
  • "Evening" seems to be very bright in South Africa. It's like the opposite of Alaska ... except it's the same ... cuz it's on the other hemisphere.
  • Emily looks wonderful as always and is patenting the double crossed hands stance. Stop copying her, Chantel!
  • Talk time with Ashley. Is he considering Ashley over Chantel? Or is he bypassing the rose ceremony entirely? Brad hates rules!
  • Rose ceremony be damned! You should have answered those questions, Ashley. Can't quite figure out what "those questions" were/are because Brad refuses to ask them, but still big mistake not answering them, Ash.
  • Good call, Brad. You totally stole Chris' last rose thunder with the early dismissal of Ashley. Brad hates rules!
  • And the most awkward toast of the season is actually handled pretty well by Swayze. Well played, Brad.
Next week, we get to meet Brad's family in their home to--no, wait. Scratch that. We get to meet Brad's family in Cape Town. It'll be just like home, I'm sure. Scratch THAT even. Women tall all next week. Especially Michelle, I'm sure.

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