The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Tells All

Let's get through the awkward interviews so we can jump to the finale. Head down. Power through!

Apparently Harrison has to whistle and snap at the ladies like they're dogs in order to get them to stop berating Michelle. Awesome.
The setting for Brad and Harrison's interview is fantastic. The fire in the background is more romantic than anything I've ever done in my life.
Madison was affectionately called "Fangs" across the country? I can think of about four things wrong with that last sentence.
I'll go on Shawntel's awkward dinner conversation date any time. Or any date with Shawntel ... awkward or otherwise.
Craziest parties ever: Bachelor reunions. I almost believe you, Chris.
Did I just see Vienna flirt with Guard and Protect Your Heart?
Roslyn. Good times. If she's hooking up with the help, imagine how many peeps she's hooking up with at these parties.
Vienna: "I get along with the guys really well." Isn't that girl code for "females tend to hate me?" Also I can think of one guy she did not get along with well at all.
Ali and Roberto are still together. Color me surprised.
I like that Ashley H dyed her face the same color as her hair.
Who is this giant necklaced girl defending Michelle?
Wow, these girls have imagined and rehearsed what they're saying in this moment for a long long time.
Harrison enjoys cat fights.
Fangs' time off has treated her well. She's looking foxy or fangy or ... something.
Wait. Melissa is from Florida? Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhocking. Vienna must be proud.
Melissa and Rachel are both insane, but I don't see how anyone considers Melissa to be the instigator in this cat fight.
Rachel pulls out the blow-hardiest of blow-hard moves ... using the word sorry while not actually apologizing for anything. As in ... "Of course I'm sorry ... sorry I let Melissa's pizza breath affect me. Sorry I got kicked off the show because of Melissa. And sorry I didn't punch her in the face on my way out."
Michelle's crying before she even sits down.
"I was there for the right reasons" and "I left my daughter at home" count is at 3 and 3 already.
Jackie's one small eye, one big eye face has to be how she lands all the guys.
Right reasons count is up to 4. Where was her daughter during the show again? I can't remember.
And we're tied 4-4. She left her daughter at home! Reasons!
Michelle: "I can't even breathe." Audience: applause break. "Maybe if we clap, she'll start breathing."
Would these girls be ripping into Emily about leaving her daughter (at home I would imagine, but I can't say for sure) if she were here?
I forgot that Ashley S was the kicked in the heart/stomach/face girl. Still sounds painful. And difficult to execute.
Harrison's best interview killer question of the night so far: "Do you think you deserve to be happy?" Chris, the interview kiiiiiiller!!
And Harrison ups the ante with Ashley H: "Do you think YOU ruined this relationship?" Chris, the interview kiiiiiiiiiller!!
Ashley says "brunettes have more fun." What is the deal with proving how much fun you have and then crediting your hair color for said fun? Are you having fun? Good. Let's leave it at that and be happy.
Big Swayze gets a standing O from the crowd. Weird.
Thanks to their sponsorship of abc.com, I will never buy a Dr. Scholl's product ever. Advertising sometimes has the opposite effect they're going for.
Blooper reel. Good times. All these contestants are actually real people. Who knew?