Monday, January 24, 2011

The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 2

2 episodes in one night. I'm on a Brad Bender. A Swayze Streak. A Harrison Happenstance. Shoulda stopped at 2? I agree. I'm open to other better alliteration injected synonyms for streak.
  • I think Harrison was wearing acid washed jeans. Or maybe his jeans' parents were acid washed jeans.
  • This is the look of a girl that isn't going on the one on one date ... and a possible murderer-to-be. Ashley on Ashley crime is becoming a real problem in this country.
  • I like that Brad felt the need to point out "we're at a carnival" after turning on the lights. Until then, I was pretty certain it was a library.
  • In addition to learning a lot about himself in the last 3 years, Brad also learned a lot about not wearing horrible suits and ties. That's real growth right there, ladies.
  • I'm excited to watch Hot Mom slowly melt down over the course of 3 or 4 episodes. It'll be like Natalie Portman in Black Swan. Except without all the violent nail clipping scenes.
  • "One thing you should know about me is that I can't have a conversation without tilting my head to one side." -Ashley
  • Tonight on The Bachelor: the most dramatic, crescendo-filled ferris wheel kiss ever.
  • Alli's title is "Apparel Merchant"? That means she works at Forever 21 or Hot Topic, right?
  • Melissa has already mentioned quitting her job twice on this episode alone. Her eventual demise might be on the level of Hillary.
  • Wow, Hot Mom, your 30th birthday kinda sucked compared to mine.
  • Thank God for the cat sound effects when the girls were slapping each other. Otherwise I would have had no idea these 2 ladies were in a cat fight.
  • I kind of like Britt. "I'm a big ol' prude - ehahaha."
  • So Michelle stomps off and Brad says "If there's a problem, I'm going to address it. Check out the hook while my DJ assesses it." Or at least he said the first part.
  • Meltdown #1: The Melissa Chronicles has begun. "You're acting like a 21-year-old!!" "I am seriously a 32-year-old talking to a 21-year-old right now!"
  • Aaaaaand Meltdown #2: Hot Mom Hot Mess has also begun.
  • Jackie actually kinda makes me feel like I'm talking to a 21 year old ... or a 13 year old. Seriously she's still in Junior High, right?
  • Oh no. The Hollywood Bowl. What sad sap of a performer is going to awkwardly perform for them? I hope it's Bieber ... or Miley Cyrus ... for Jackie's sake. Kids these days.
  • Ugh, it's Train ... and not the cool Train from the One and a Half days. Would it kill them to play Sweet Rain?
  • "The first night, let's face it. It was a little awkward." Big Swayze speaks the truth, people.
  • I think Melissa and Raichel need to bone and get this over with. And maybe get into a hot wax fight after ... or during.
  • Wait a minute. Horrible Shoes is still in the running? Come on, Brad.
  • Seriously how are both Melissa and Raichel crying? You can't both be the victim, right?
  • Speaking of victims, Ali and Roberto! Someone take a picture of Roberto before he starts sweating. And get a snap of Ali before she changes into something yellow!
  • Congratulations to Sarah for getting a rose on the 2nd episode while somehow simultaneously making her first appearance of the season!
  • I don't know why, but I'm pulling for Raichel. Team Man-scaper!
  • PS I think Chantel N. is a real dark horse for going far this season.
  • Horrible Shoes makes it to episode 3? Come ON, Brad!
  • Yay, Britt! Boo, Raichel and Melissa! Just like paper beats rock, prude beats drama.
  • Melissa, if you say "target" one more time, I'm going to make you talk to a 21 year-old.
Next week, more fun with movie making! And something short of fun with music making. Save us, Seal! And my one-way ticket to Hell gets triple-stamped as Emily tells us more about her husband. Awesome.

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