The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 1

Well, better late than never, right? I don't know how I kept myself away from my favorite bachelor ever for this long ... there must be something in the air up here in Aspen.

Y'all know that Brad = Big Swayze, right? Just making sure.

Onto the ep ...

• Let's get our recap on! How did Harrison avoid hyperbole when mentioning the end of Swayze's last season? "One of the most controversial finales in Bachelor history?" One of them? We're off to a rocky start, Chris.
• Swayze has lost some weight, yeah? Not as Big Swayze? Slightly Smaller Swayze? Three Quarter Swayze?
• We're one break in and I've had enough of Brad with his shirt off to last me all season.
• So far so good, Brad. Your first choice is a dentist that spends her time talking to statues in the park. Status of Ben Franklin no less.
• AND she likes to have fun. Shocking!
• Chantal O? More like Shakey O. Heyoooooooooo! (Rhymes with shakey o.)
• So wait ... Madison is a real vampire? How is this not a bigger story?
• Emily's husband was a race car driver named Ricky? C'mon now. Don't make me say it.
• As if Brad and Harrison's interview wasn't already awkward enough, here come Jenni (aka the over laugher) and DeAnna (Nugs, Jesse. Blow it up.)
• Chris' interview skills remain top notch: "DeAnna, what was the worst part about that final episode of The Bachelor?" The man sleeps and breathes awkwardness.
• "Walls" count is at 3 ... in this segment alone.
• Listening to DeAnna and Jenni, my support of Brad's double dumping is stronger than it ever was before. Dis. Like.
• Chantal opens the season with an impromptu slap? No way that s was a) real or b) unprovoked by the producers or c) amped up in post.
• Meghan, your shoes are the worst thing I've ever seen. And I know the definition of hyperbole. And I'm a guy.
• Ugh, I dislike the vampire more than Meghan's shoes ... maybe.
• I can already barely watch Big Swayze and his insane nervous sandwich ... and then Jackie requests a pinky swear. And Brad grants her request.
• When what's-her-name rolled down the window and "beckoned" Brad over, I wondered how no other girl had done that before. Then I realized how lame it is.
• Is it possible J (the birthday girl) is a normal, cool, non-weird, non-nervous chick?
• Keltie's teeth weird me out. And she's on the season with the vampire.
• Strapless dress adjustment count during Brad's opening speech: 3.
• Brad ends his speech with the phrase "Collective Toast." Aren't they playing night 2 at Coachella?
• If this "have you changed" montage is any indication, I'm not surprised that the first bachelor/bachelorette nights typically approach sunrise before they're done. Brad hasn't said "walls" in long time though so he's got that going for him.
• Ashley S drops about 1.5 "like's" per sentence.
• "2 weird things about me. 1) I'm a 'man-scaper' and 2) there's an 'i' in my name." -Raichel
• 
• Jackie, no. No singing, Jackie. No. Not. Nil. No.
• Another thing I can't believe hasn't happened in the previous 14 seasons ... the "Can I steal you?" show down. Well played, Alli, Renee and that other girl.
• "It's better to be home alone than to be home and wish you were alone." I think Emily just said something actually a little profound. No way she learned that from Ricky Bobby.
• This is why they re-cast Brad: "the girl has fangs."
• Chris just rang the wine glass buzzer. Not looking good for my girl, J.
• I think Michelle aka Hot Mom aka "I'm a woman, not a little girl" is going a long way on this show.
• "The girl has fangs" and a rose ... and just bit Swayze. I'm confused more than anything.
• The man-scaper, Brad? Really?
• Keltie gets a rose too? Brad has a thing for weird teeth - both vampire and normal human.
• "Brad. Ladies. The majority of you have admitted to watching the show and Brad's already been on the damn show before. It's never been more apparent that you all know what I'm about to say ... so really what's the point?"
• Shakey O gets the final rose. Lesson learned: slapping pays, ladies!!
• Oh, J. I knew so little of you. Not even an exit interview. May you live on in normal, non-weirdness in my mind.

The best 3 words in television ... "this season on." The first season ever with no helicopter rides!! Just kidding. I counted at least 3. PS my prediction about Hot Mom is looking good ... black eye and all. And it looks like we learn that vampires don't actually cry tears of blood. Finally the truth! And Seal! Seal caps off "the most controversial season of The Bachelor ever." We're back, baby.