The Bachelor Diaries: Big Swayze Returns! Episode 3

It's worth mentioning that the primary advertiser if you watch The Bachelor on ABC.com is Dr. Scholl's Custom Fit Orthotic Inserts. Are there a lot of guys and gals with flat feet that LOVE manufactured love and psychology-experiment-driven drama? Marketing continues to amaze me.

Tonight on The Bachelor - more movie making fun. How jealous is Jake Pavelka right now?
Also worth mentioning that Ando has been doing his research and makes a decent case for Hot Mom being a plant.
Don't miss Hot Mom's blockbuster movie out soon! Featuring the worst tag line ever: "With Love, There Are Always Second Chances." Also in the running were "With Cheeseburgers, There Are Always Second Chances" and "With Death, There Are Always Second Chances."
And REALLY don't miss her Twitter picture.
Ashley gets the first date this week and the honor of trying to look comfortable in the convertible whilst her hair flies absolutely everywhere.
What's great about having to not only sing on the most pressure-filled date of your life is that you have to do it IN FRONT of a bunch of random MUSIC ENGINEERS and the song they chose for you is insanely difficult to sing ... AND they're going to bring in the actual singer to rub it in your face later.
AND they both have shit for rhythm.
Fun fact about Seal: he loves Aspen and visits often. I look forward to murdering Kiss From a Rose for him at Karaoke some day soon.
Another fun fact: Ashley was ten when Kiss From a Rose came out. Ten! Ten years OLD!
Date card says "Love Hurts." I'm guessing you're going to be taking turns kicking each other in the crotch. Or laying on beds of nails. Or maybe it was just a dumb cliche that the producers continue feel compelled to use and has nothing to do with pain at all.
Group date time. The fun thing about episode 3 is you still swear this is your first time seeing some of these ladies. Sarah P ... did they sneak you into the show just for this scene?
"Steven Ho: Action Director" ... I'm using that title at the next random party I'm at.
Also, the fake camera cross hairs and timing clock are adding NOTHING to these scenes. What's even better is I guarantee that had to put this crap back in in post.
Someone please shut Hot Mom up. We get it. You don't like group dates. Stop explaining it in ridiculously stupid and timely ways.
Did they just do a SECOND confessional where Michelle described fireworks during her and Swayze's first kiss? F this show. And Hot Mom.
Chantal O's daddy confession paired with Ashley's ... was there a question on The Bachelor app that explicitly asked "How long has it been since you've seen your real father?" and they only accepted answers that were 5 years or greater?
The make out session after the daddy confession is a strong move ... by Brad and Chantel both.
Speaking of confessionals, it's time for Emily to send me straight to hell. Honestly I'm surprised I'm still typing right now.
Okay really strike me down now. This is the saddest story ever. I need to go listen to "I Can't Make You Love Me If You Don't" to cheer up.
Shawntel the dark horse is my new girl. I'm pulling for you, young lady.
If I were to name someone Chantal, I think I'd go with ... Shantall? Chauwntehlle? Schwaun'taull? I think every girl in the country could be named Psh'e'ntoh'll and we could never have a repeat spelling.
Holy crap, there's a typo in their shitty fake movie poster.
Time for Emily's date and the first thing Brad does is put her on a plane. Maybe I'll have a partner on my way to my eternity of burning.
Actually that was the second thing Brad did. The first and third things he did were mess up Emily's hair thoroughly via two convertible rides. He hates well sculpted hair.
Meanwhile, Vampire is having a bad day. But hey at least her skin isn't smoking while sitting out by the pool. It's also not shining like diamonds. Lesson learned: Twilight and True Blood are full of s.
Wow Emily is down to earth and likeable. Really wow. Super crazy wow.
And the other girls really are right about her likeness.
My take away from Brad's shrink session: "Bingo." Wise words, sir. Wise words.
More insanely wise words ... this time from Brad: "I'm gonna use tonight's cocktail party ... to talk to these ladies." You know what Brad is? He's an innovator.
Chantal wears way too much make up. Not to be confused with Shawntel ... who is still my dark horse and has perfected the art of make up ... relatively.
My dislike for Michelle has been upgraded to ... severe.
I don't remember any convos like Vampire's and Ashley H's in previous seasons ... where both parties basically agree to not give/receive roses later. Bizarre.
Hey Britt! Look at you. Your face made it onto this episode! Awesome.
Hmmm, the rose ceremony is starting and there are 2 breaks left. Prepare for drama.
And go. Vampire takes her exit. Back to modeling and odd dental choices I guess?
Now ABC.com is showing commercials for The Bachelor ... during The Bachelor. Maybe they read my snark about the Dr. Scholl's ads?
PS it seems pretty damn likely that Brad's possible final hug of the show is with Emily ... based on the fact that she's the only Barbie-haired girl left.
Someone named Lindsey just got a rose. I love episode 3.
Horrible Shoes again! Big Swayze is killing me.